Ok, I'm going to try to be brief. I need help understanding myself.<p>H came over last night. He was there when I got home from Yoga, I was immediately asked why I was so late, he's been waiting since 6pm. Well, dah, I've been doing this class for ages and the times haven't changed!<p>Anyway, he said, I'm going in 10 minutes. I gave him a hug, etc and tried to get him to stay. He got angry. I was mad, I dropped him at the railway station and said goodbye. I said I'd see him when I could, when I wasn't busy. I drove to the shops, not straight home.<p>He rang me later, "had I finished in the shower", etc, I said I wasn't in the shower I was "out", that's why I didn't answer the phone. Conversation ensued about where I was, but I cut that short. <p>We started to talk. I told him that I had been feeling like the relationship was over, that him not coming to see me was telling me it was over. He told me that his head was clearing (the fogs clearing?) and that there were still feelings there for me. He said that I was scaring him being so agressive sexually (which is amazing since I was always accused of being too conservative and there was never enough-now I'm the scary one!). I said that I would back off, but that there are parts of me that I've "discovered" and that aren't going away now I've found them.<p>He also said I was trying to control him. Granted, I did try to make him stay, but I desperately wanted to see him. I've learnt by reading 5 love languages, that my primary love language is quality time- altough I'm aware at the moment, that could be a result of what's happening in my life. I reflected his feeling that I controlled him and asked if he could point out exactly what I did to make him feel that way as I didn't know what I did to make him feel that way. I asked him to keep an open mind, that the past is the past and maybe he is expecting me to act that way. I told him right now I have no desire to control him.<p>He said that in 6 months he'd be back, that the feelings for me are coming back. I asked him if he had thought about what would happen if in 6 months he didn't want to come back. He said no.<p>OK, now to me. I'm confused. I love this man, no doubt he is the one, but I'm scared. Last week he told me that he'd come to see me "work permitting". Its not good enough for me. I don't want to be a "time permitting" wife. I want to be number 1 in his life-this is very important to me. I can see his father in him, work is number one because it pays the bills. Yes, that's true, but what about life? God, I don't want to end up like his parents, or mine for that matter-never doing anything or going anywhere. I'd like to take all the good stuff I see in marriages and make that mine.<p>Next, I'm guilty, I tried to control my husband over the years. Actually, I was unaware of it up until the time he started staying out late, or not coming home at all (Hello-Affair). So, I let go. I realised, fairly early in this disaster that I had no control and let go. Its been hard, but I believe I've done pretty well. Thing is, demanding to know why I was not home early from yoga or where I was when I didn't answer the phone, or why hasn't my sister been to see my mother or I'll come and see you "work permitting" to me, is controlling. If I'm guilty of being a control freak, then so is he. Thing is I can see it, he can't. He acts like he is entitled to act this way. I am not going back to this. I will not live like this anymore! I'm an adult, an individual and independent - I don't want to answer to anyone, not now, not in six months, or 6 years. I want to be two adults in a relationship that supports and fosters each other. <p>Respect. That's what I want. Respect for who I am, for my free spirit. For all the weird things I do and try. I don't want my spirit crushed again, don't want to be patronised or mocked for being who I am. That's why I wasn't happy in my marriage. I was pushed into the conservative mould, into being what my mother wanted, what he thought I should be. He fell in love with 'me' the girl who likes to have fun, but she disappeared slowly over the years fitting into the mould everyone else wanted. <p>This is it for now. If anyone can help me to sort this out in my mind, help. I keep looking around me and thinking life could be better. There are nice men around-it could be different, but would it really. How long before it ends up like this again - two year? after all the romantic stuff is gone, your left with the reality again. I'm scared to let go, to say "goodbye" to him and the old relationship, but I'm scared to have him back. I'm scared.<p>[ April 22, 2002: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</p>

seahorse:<p>"'m confused. I love this man, no doubt he is the one, but I'm scared. Last week he told me that he'd come to see me "work permitting". Its not good enough for me. I don't want to be a "time permitting" wife. I want to be number 1 in his life-this is very important to me. I can see his father in him, work is number one because it pays the bills. Yes, that's true, but what about life?"<p>No, it isn't true, or he's got his priorities all wrong. Wrong for a good, respectful relationship with another human being, that is. His priorities (or so I learned, when I was still a Christian) should be:
1) his relationship with God.
2) his relationship with YOU.
3) his relationship with his family (kids, if you have them).
4) his JOB. <p>Jobs can be replaced more readily than spouses, or at least that's the way it's SUPPOSED to be. And jobs usually evolve during the course of a M, particularlly a long-term M. <p>Seahorse, how long has he been "gone" now? A couple weeks? Is he still involved with OW? Did he leave on his own volition, for his own "reasons" or because you asked him to? (Plan B?). If you're in a Plan B, for whatever reason, I would insist he NOT call you or visit you at all, for a period of time of your choosing. It sounds like you're doing well on your own, and you should insist on the respect that YOU need before you have him come back into your life. <p>Hope this helps.

OK, Liz - I'm not sure what to tell you in trying to figure yourself out, but I think I know what's going on with him.<p>He's noticed your budding independence. He's noticed your Plan A.<p>My recommendation: keep doing what you're doing - becoming a better, more confident Liz.<p>He may get full-on foggy again in a minute - don't go out of your way and kiss his feet. be the Liz you've been, caring for your family and keeping your priorities right.<p>The fog may be clearing, but it could also be some short term friction with OW.<p>Keep going Liz, you're doing terrific!<p>Dave

Hi Seahorse:
IMHO your WS is realizing you too could have an affair. Have needs and yes, he wants to control and manipulate you. You need to tell him when and if he can see you. I think he should not be able to see you at all until he gets rid of OW. I love the fact that you are getting on fine without him. That can be scary for someone who was so full of himself that he thought you would fall apart without him. You are doing great! Just my opinion. wu

Hi and thank you.<p>2long, he moved out when he returned from his holiday. I'm not plan Bing but have kept contact to a minimum (mostly email), only responding briefly (and sometimes the next day). I don't know if this is working, or not. Although, WAT seems to think its going well. Thanks Dave, its good to finally be on track, even though sometimes it dosen't feel like that, but I guess, no one promised plan A would be easy.<p>wucus, thank you too. I think he is a little worried about me going off with someone, he does try to sound this out every now and then.<p>So my plan A seems to be on track, but I'm still confused about me. I want to change to improve our relationship and myself and I'm willing to learn, there's no doubt about that.