I know I know I know I am NOT a violent person BUT yesterday things got the better of me & my H said he couldn't wait to see the back of me & I honestly didnt mean to do this but I threw the most terrific right hook which landed just under his chin!

The look of suprise & horror on his face said it all really I don't know what came over me, I know I will b heading for a telling off on here but my H has been playing mind games with me for the last 8 months & it just got the better of me i know HUGE LB what can I do??<p>I only have 2 more weeks left here I have been plan a myself but it's very difficult when there is furniture to divide, the excess furniture is going in a sale tommorow then lawyers to see etc etc.<p>H femail "friend" is still in the picture & i think although her H is now living seperatly in the village from her that once i have gone things will become intimate (in fact I am already suspicious that they are)<p>8 long months I have had to live like this & am stuck here until our money is sorted. But he is not at all interested in saving this marriage at all so I guess that I just have to accept that now because once i leave here there will be no contact.<p>I do however have plans to come back after a couple of months as I have been offered a job & have somewhere to live then BUT! I don't want this to be seen as me chasing him what is your opinion on this. I honestly can only see us ending up in the divorce statistics now it seems sooooo hopeless. The other day I left the book surving an affair out for him with a note saying that he was welcome to read it if he wanted to but i would like it back b4 i go & that i found it a great help & that maybe it could help us in our future lives (did i say the wrong thing??) well it did make it to h bedroom but after the first few pages it looks like he threw it on the floor on the opposite side of the bed where he sleeps & there it stayed for 3 days, I picked it up & put it away as when he reads a book if he is going to continue reading it he will have it by his bedside. Am getting to the end of my rope with all this now I really wanted this marriage to work for us we have worked so hard to be together....

"I know I know I know I am NOT a violent person BUT yesterday things got the better of me" <p>I'm not a violent person by nature either... but with the stress of my H's A's, I lost it too. I wasn't able to give him a great knuckle sandwich like you gave your H (he was in the basement, I was upstairs, and couldn't get down the stairs b/c my legs were twice their normal size due to water retention after my emergency c-section). So I threw the baby gate down at him - and almost tossed glass objects before I stopped myself. All we can do is learn from our mistakes here. We can't take them back. Figure out what the exact trigger was if you can, and that will help you avoid 'losing it' again. (My trigger was H on the pc in the basement - he wasn't living here at the time. I FREAKED! B/c it was on the pc where he was always chatting with his new 'girlfriends'. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>"I know I will b heading for a telling off on here but my H has been playing mind games with me for the last 8 months & it just got the better of me i know HUGE LB what can I do??"<p>You're not going to get a 'telling off' unless you don't learn from your mistake. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] You can't do anything but plan A right now, and hope that in time it will reduce the LB's strength (I know, you are time limited right now).<p>"H femail "friend" is still in the picture... once i have gone things will become intimate (in fact I am already suspicious that they are)"<p>There is nothing you can do about that. You cannot control your H's (or anyone else's) actions. You can only control yourself! Be the best person you can be, for YOU. That's all you can do, and that's all you need to do to heal.<p>"he is not at all interested in saving this marriage at all .... we have worked so hard to be together"<p>You may have BOTH worked so hard to be together in the past... but you cannot focus on that right now (unless you are learning what you did wrong, and correcting it). Again, you cannot change his actions right now. You are right, in that he isn't interested in saving the M RIGHT NOW. That doesn't mean he will always feel that way. Your best bet is to plan A your butt off for as long as you can... and let THAT be his last memory of you. Reality with OW will sink in fast when your H can no longer fence sit and won't have you to meet any of his needs.<p>Take care,
Karen

Hi there & thanks for your reply, I guess I just panicked cause I realise time is running out for me & I just was so mad because another relationship is now suffering because of this horse riding someone has put a rumor round town now that my H & the trekking guide are having an A.<p>Her partner overheard this in the pub the other nite & well it's a long story but she looked at me & said oh looks like i just got divorced. Of course her partner was upset & I had actually said something to this effect to my H that I hoped what had happened with us & this OW marriage didn't snowball & affect the guides relationship. Anyway we got into a row because he didn't seem to care how many people he was hurting & I guess that I am sooooo scared because I am trying to plan A but he doesn't see it because he isn't here much. Although the other night he did say to me do you know how easy you are making it for me to walk away from you?? Well that got me confused because the dissagreements we have had are because we have to divide the business stuff & as soon as I mention something he comes out with a very angry YOU ALWAYS WANT MORE!
Now the reason it appears to him that i want
more is because He just had a sign done for the horse business (which i designed, but i wont charge him for that hee hee!) it was a lot of money & we only just got the bill for it (nearly $2,000nz)
He doesnt think he should have to pay me half of what I have had to pay for it (joint business acct) same with the van $6,000 van that had $2,000 worth of paint & advertising photographs etc (this was 6 months ago) what p****s me off is that he knew 2 yrs ago that he didnt love me & instead of telling me he let me help him build up a business that has good potential & I put heaps of work into the business he is only paying me out for the horses, gear etc but these misc things he sees me as LB he went to town yesterday & bought Diesel miles for the trekking van & his truck I just dont know what to do, we had decided that we would sort out the value of stuff before we went to our lawyers because we didnt want them fleecing us but maybe it was a mistake. <p>So anyway this is what it's all mainly been about, plus the fact that I have no where to go but anyway am in the process of sorting that all out & was even offered a job yesterday! Cool eh

sorry just a bit more so as not to confuse things.
He is paying me for half the van but he doesnt think he should b paying me for the advertising logos paint job etc, also next yrs web advertising he has just paid for & the same thing there!
Now if i go straight to my lawyer it will be a huge LB to him but i have to look after my rights.<p>He has gone away today to buy another horse or 2 maybe & will just write a cheque out of the joint account & didn't even ask me if I minded I know he will pay me out for the horse but it just makes me bloody angry I feel so used.

Don't feel alone--I have been there, too.<p>A few months after we had gotten married, we were getting ready for work one morning, and my husband asked me to find something of his. He is an extremely untidy person and I spent from day one of our marriage following him around picking up his mess.<p>I told him that I had picked up the item that he had needed because it was on the floor and I had put it away, I couldn't remember where at the moment. He became angry. I calmly told him that if he wanted to keep better track of his things, he should help clean up after himself. He launched into a barrage of verbal abuse towards me, something that I had never had directed at me before. I had never in my life been called "stupid b**tch," and had the f-word used to describe me, ect. I guess that I should have been used to it already, at that point. But then again, I had had enough. I couldn't take it anymore.<p> When I was a kid, I witnessed my aunt, who was a loving mother, pop my cousin across the face for using a dirty word. Without ever thinking, I did this to my husband. I slapped his face. Not hard, but hard enough to show that I was angry with him. Then I turned around and left the room.<p>He followed me and warned me that I should not feel safe falling asleep that night, and that by all rights, he should be calling the cops to arrest me. He continued with his verbal assault.<p>I was a new bride. I had never in my life been abused, so I had no idea what to think, where to turn. I lost it--I just cried. I went to work crying. I told my friends. I was in the military, I got into trouble for admitting that I had hit my husband, but not much. Someone along the line understood. <p>My husband still addresses the fact that I AM THE ONE who is abusive and tempermental, out of control and can only settle things with my fists. He still goes on and on and on about it. He had never forgiven me for that one little time.<p>If he only knew that his words cut me like a million knives, sometimes I think that I would feel less pain if he just hit me as well.<p>I have never done anything like this again, I am about the least violent person you could ever meet, but to listen to my husband talk, you would think that I am a pro-wrestling star.

Oh hey, that's nothin'... during one of the more heated fights with my ex in the late 80's (first three affairs) I broke the stem off a wine glass and held it to his throat. Doesn't make it right or anything, but I sure do understand the anger behind it. There's NOTHING to compare with being betrayed.

Hey thanks folks! it means a lot just to know that someone is around to listen.
Actually I am usually very against violence but b4 I knew it there was my fist under his chin!
Anyway I just want to be out of this awful situation now as it's wearing me down & making it very hard to work on me.
I may just get some commercial cleaners in here next week after my furniture gets taken out & leave. It's just too much of a strain with the farm being sold, losing the horses i love so much
, losing my beautiful home, my husband & my friends (we have shared friends & it becomes very difficult at times) it's not easy to get described antidepressents over here so thats not an option for me at this time. thanx once again!

Dear Wrungout -
I lurk on your thread a lot, b/c your situation is so similar to mine - H in EA which he claims is "just friends", e-mails, regular meetings with "friend", "friend" lives with long-term BF, but we have not got to the divorce stage - we have 2 beautiful boys (6 and 9) although a week before Easter, I did firmly ask him to leave b/c I couldn't take it anymore and had decided I didn't have to live with it. That's when he started to turn around.<p>I don't usually post to you because it seems like you have found some really good people to support you and I'm not sure I have anything any more constructive to say, especially since we are by no means "out of the woods" - my H has just started IC, but I believe he is still seeing and e-mailing the OW and still justifying his right to have EA's - this is his second in the space of 1 yr.<p>But I just want to reassure you you're not alone - I also punched my H a fantastic right hook, right after I found out about OW2 - it was bad enough going through him falling in love with our best friend's 17-yr old daughter and my finding out the day after I came back to the UK from my brother's funeral - but I thought we'd worked through it - I forgave him, I thought we were recovering our marriage - then my SIL committed suicide - in the weeks which followed, over X-mas, I thought he had really learned the value of a loving wife - in Feb, I found his private e-mail a/c and found out he had been meeting a 22-yr old French grad student down at the pub every Mon night for the last 5 months!<p>After confronting him,
I e-mailed him the next day, telling him that was the straw that broke the camel's back, and asking him to leave me alone while I tried to get a grip on myself - I had made an appt with our parish priest - we are both practicing Catholics and my H works in church music - I told him I couldn't bear the sight of him, or to be in the same room with him and I was extremely depressed and couldn't even begin to handle talking to him, but that I would when I could and I asked him to give me space. I told him I would be home with him when the boys were there and I would fulfill our social engagements, but that's all I was up for right now. Harsh? I was in shock.<p>So that day, I come home, and in the eve, I check OUR e-mails. He comes upstairs and stands behind my chair. I politely say - I'm finished, would you like to use the computer?
He says no he doesn't need to - he says "I don't hack into other people's e-mail accounts!" In a very self-righteous manner. Is that giving me space? <p>I go downstairs, mad - I said "Piss off!" as I left, and went into the kitchen and started ironing, trying to do something useful and get away from him. He follows me downstairs and into the kitchen, says "Go ahead, call me names if that's what makes you feel better - say whatever you want to say!" He goaded me into a fight because that's what he wanted - a fight. I now realize that this behaviour is because he knows what he is doing is wrong and he feels guilty and angry and has to express it - I fell straight into the trap.<p>I reacted - who wouldn't? - and we exchanged more words. He came into the kitchen and stood right behind me - we have a tiny kitchen and he's nearly touching me while this is going on, and he's taunting me about what the priest may have counselled me - to be forgiving - well, he leaned across me to get a spoon out of the drawer, which meant I had to stop ironing and get out of his way.<p>I just snapped - I slammed the iron down on the board next to his arm - I had no intention of burning him - I keep saying, it was like a horse stamping its foot to tell you to back off - just that - well, HE decided in that instant when our eyes locked that I had tried to burn him with the iron. He grabbed me by the back of the neck with his left hand and his right hand closed round my hand on the iron and he wrestled me around the kitchen, trying to get the iron away from me - I COULDN'T let go because his hand was clenched around mine - nor did I want to drop it on my own feet - also, I only have that one iron - I already dropped the other one and I'd only just got this one at X-mas - hell, I wasn't letting go and ruining another one! Finally he got it away from me and he held me off with one hand - <p>Well, I just looked at him and before I knew it, I popped him one, and my reach being longer (my brother and sister used to call me The Gibbon because my arms are so long) - I connected with his right eyebrow - I had a diamond ring on, given to me as a wedding present by his mother, and this cut him over the eye and he started bleeding.<p>Like you, a look of utter shock and horror! And blood! How could you do this to me? He started calling me names - crazy B***h - then our son came downstairs and asked what was happening (6 yrs old) - he turned to our son and said "Look what your mother just did to me!" What a guy!<p>Well, I'm ashamed of myself for losing control - but man, was I provoked! Still - it was me who lost control. So I apologized. I feel fine about apologizing. But lots of my friends have said hit him with the frying pan next time! <p>The important thing is - is that what I want to be? No. Do I want to live like this? No. Is it my problem? No. - My H went through more anger, and still holds this against me, but I hope we will be able to work through this in counselling. If he wants a forgiving wife, he needs to be a forgiving husband. <p>Before Easter, I moved to plan B, and when he finally realized I was serious, he got himself into counselling (which he is very positive about) - he admitted that he was the one with the problem - now that's as far as we've been able to get.<p>Blondie (one of her pet names) goes back to France for good end of May - I'm struggling to keep a grip on myself until then - H has reclaimed his e-mail and mobile phone privacy and has not proved to me, as he promised he would, that he would give her up.
I'm hoping that if I wait until she is gone, that we will have a chance to work things out in MC, but don't expect a lot until then. It's hard. I'm looking for an individual counselor myself - I think I need bereavement counselling, since I haven't had a chance to grieve for my brother or SIL since my marriage problems have engulfed me.<p>I really feel for you - your H is deep in the fog and doesn't look like he's coming out of it - but try not to take the guilt for this on to yourself - just because you did this, it's not a reflection on you as a person, or a sign of anything bad in yourself - its a naturaly reaction to the stress you are under - its just that it gives WS a mallet to beat you with on a silver platter - so try not to do it again - I guess for me, that once was all I needed - I don't need to do it again.<p>I'll pray for you - you sound like a dynamic, exciting and talented person with lots of wonderful knowledge - remember that - plan A is about recovering your confidence in yourself as much as trying to save your marriage. A WS who does not want to admit he is the one with the problem does everything he can to tear apart the BS, because he needs to justify his behaviour - the BS needs to recover her strength, which is hard. You can do it - you are already showing a lot of stamina.<p>Are you sure you are not just screwing yourself on this dividing up the assets without the help of lawyers? I understand the good intention and not wanting to antagonize him - still hoping he will turn around - but maybe you should look over on Divorced/Divorcing for advice on this - or maybe you already have? Sounds like he's getting away with more than he should, and you might kick yourself afterwards.<p>{{{{{Wrung out}}}}} Big hug for you.<p>Odile

Wrungout ~<p>While your anger, rage and pain is understandable and completely justified - I'm going to point out that you CHOSE to allow your rage and anger to control your decisions.<p>Punching your H was a result of choices that you made - there is absolutely no excuse and no justification. You did "mean to do it". No, you didn't premeditate it - but you made choices on the spot that led to your actions.<p>He would have been completely within his rights to have called the police.<p>You are responsible for your actions - you can't blame your H's affair for your behavior, anymore than he can blame his justification to have an affair on your actions.<p>Sorry, you don't get a hug and an its OK from me. You owe your H a huge apology and amends.<p>[ April 28, 2002: Message edited by: BrambleRose ]</p>

Dear Wrungout,
BrambleRose is entitled to her opinion and I don't want to pick a fight - <p>I also agree with her that you are responsible for your actions and have to take responsibility for them.<p>However, having been there, I can say that in my case, I DID take responsibility for my actions - I both apologized at the time, afterwards, and in writing - I even e-mailed the OW to reassure her that although the altercation between my H and me was over her, she was not to blame, I was to blame for losing control. My H also, in his rage shouted at me that the next time he would call the police. <p>However - BrambleRose, my H has also been physically threatening to me throughout my married life, always stopping just short of hitting me - he has thrown things at me, punched holes in the wall, grabbed me by the wrist and manhandled me around over tiny things - like not coming to bed when he went to bed, not wanting to eat lunch when he wanted to, wanting an explanation for a credit card bill, not liking what he was served for dinner (when I was 9 months pregnant), simply not liking the MOOD I am in. I don't have to take this kind of abuse and I don't have to apologize for standing up for myself. His attitude has been embarassingly obvious to other people. I remember my best friend's husband, an Italian, while visiting us for the first time, come down to breakfast before my H was up, look quietly at me and say, "He's not very nice to you, is he?" In short, I am not an abusive person, and if you read Wrungout's posts, I think you will see that she doesn't appear to be either - she is under severe stress, trying to deal with a very difficult situation. As my dad is fond of saying "Nobody are perfect".<p>Sometimes people need to be called on the carpet for their mistakes. Sometimes a little compassion goes a long way. I would also encourage you, Wrungout, to get some serious counselling - it sounds like you are going through a lot of this alone, and your judgement can get severely clouded by stress.<p>You still get a hug from me. <p>BrambleRose - have you ever done something you were deeply ashamed of? How would you feel if you admitted it and someone yelled at you for having the courage to own up?<p>Odile

In a fit of anger after my wife left me had I chose to display that anger and strike her, as a male I have no doubt I would have been legally charged with abuse, not have had any chance to seek custody of my children, most likely had them taken away from even though she chose to abandon me and the five kids for the short term. No matter how much anger I feel at any point, I know presently that I have control of my actions, and up to now have been able to control them. Anger is a horrible thing, because what you do out of it is something you will always regret, or is the reason a partner will use against you when things finally do come to the end. Please try to find another way to vent your feelings, excercise, counselling, friends, or family to talk to. Please do everything in your power to stay away from physical abuse, letting him know how mad, hurt, lonely, betrayed will help somewhat to get these things off your chest. Unfortunately he is like lost others that have affairs, and no matter how much you talk they just don't seem to acknowledge anything you say, and you end up walking away madder then when you arrived, or they respond with a bonehead comment that tips you off the edge. I guess if conversation cannot be civil, and the other person is continuing to make bad choices in their life you may need to find a different way to communicate on the short term through letters, or very brief direct yes/no types of questions.

BrambleRose~<p>Have you ever been in a situation where you acted before you even had time to think about it?<p>I ask that question seriously and when I say "acting before having time to think" that is precisely what I mean. One minute this situation is "this" and within a split second and to the suprise of everyone involved the situation is now "that".<p>I've been in a situation like this before on more than one occasion. Once, when I was younger, I was walking my pit bull. I was teeny tiny and my dog, Spike (stop laughing, my brother named him), jerked his leash out of my hand and barreled across the street straight for another dog. Before I even had time to think the situation through (or even consider the consequences much less anything else) I was running on air to get between my pit bull and this other dog. I could've gotten my throat ripped open or even run over by a car....but I acted before I thought. I reacted before I had time to think. The situation was over before I even realized it. I don't know why my mind went dead but I think it was because I was scared and I had enough adreneline pumping through my brain that it voided all thought, period.<p>The only other situation I can think of that even comes remotely close is the time I thwacked my husband across his face. We lived with my brother and his wife. I was taking a nap. I awoke to hear my husband dogging me up one side and down the other (he thought I was asleep) and using my s-i-l's shoulder to cry on. Most of what he was saying wasn't even true. So, after listening to as much as I could stand, I walked across the hall, looked at him, walked into the bathroom, relieved myself, walked back across the hall and got back in bed. Within 3 seconds he was standing at the foot of the bed verbally on the offensive and boy was he attacking me. He was jumping all over me (you know that old saying, the best defense is a good offense??) and asking me smart-@ss questions in a smart-@[censored] tone. Each time I would try to answer one of his questions, he would keep repeating himself louder....then I would try to answer again, and he would interrupt even louder. So, by the time he got to the 3rd or 4th question and was getting louder and meaner I saw someone grab his arm with one hand, my vision raised up about a foot and I saw another arm with a hand on the end of it way-lay his smart mouth. His head rocked back and he had me by the throat before I realized that I was the one that hit him. <p>Now, I don't expect anyone to take responsibility for my actions other than myself. It would be silly for me to blame him for something I did. I guess the reason this incident stands out in my mind is because there was no thought whatsoever (notice I didn't say "forethought"). I didn't understand what was happening. I didn't realize what was happening nor what was about to happen. It really was like an out of body experience. I'm telling you, I was sitting there one minute trying to answer questions......and let me emphasize that I was NOT getting angry because I was concentrating so hard on answering his questions....and the next instant I had slapped him and he had me by the throat and then it was over. From what I remember, there was no emotion...it was like my switches had been shut off or something.<p>I disagree with this statement........<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I'm going to point out that you CHOSE to allow your rage and anger to control your decisions.<hr></blockquote><p>I didn't choose for my husband to walk into that room, block the doorway where I couldn't leave, stand over me demaning answers he didn't want. I didn't choose to get angry because I wasn't angry (at least not that I could tell) and I didn't choose to slap him (apparently some part of me chose to smack him but not any concious part) It all happened in about a 3 minute time frame (from me leaving the restroom till he realized he had me by the throat and let go). <p>This is going to sound funny but this is exactly how I feel about it. It was like my body had a mind of it's own and my brain was none the wiser.<p>For me to believe that I chose that situation would also lead me to believe that I chose for him to choke me.<p>Oh, don't get me wrong, 9 years later, I can look back and see several different scenarios that would have probably avoided either one of us getting hurt.....but that's 9 years later and after alot of thinking. That wasn't DURING the episode that was on me before I had time to make a thought out choice.<p>Sometimes, there are situations that happen and there isn't time for a choice...while they are happening. These situations are few and far between, but they do happen. I mean, we could go so far as saying that I should have made a choice to not take a nap or made the choice to not let him know I was awake and knew what he was doing and saying, or for that matter, I could have made the choice to not move in with my brother and his wife. But I didn't make those choices because I had no idea anything like this could EVER happen. The situation was on me and over before I realized that I did have a choice. That's just the only way I know to describe it.<p>Hindsight is 20/20.<p>I had never before struck anyone in my life and neither had my husband. I did apologize to him and make amends and he did the same.<p>I guess I'm upset by your statement (and that's okay because that's my "upsetness" to deal with, not yours) because.....well....I think you must've never been in a situation where you reacted (and reacted poorly) before you had time to think about it. Is this so?<p>selket<p>P.S. Thankfully that was a one time thing....you know...my body acting out of accordance with my brain. I don't know what happened but I guess my psyche saw fit that once was enough.

I cannot disaggree that in certain situations everyone has the tendency to lose it. My breaking point would most likley involve someone seriously hurting a loved one, although I held it in through what my wife did to the kids. Everyone has a breaking point, but understanding the consequences of your actions is something that must always come into your mind. Striking my wife would get me a criminal record, loss of my children, potentially cost me my job, and most likely doom any chances of reconciliation with my wife. Out a fit of anger I could lose all that I love, these are the things that keep me from striking out in anger. Although I have also been lucky and not had my wife in my face yelling, screaming, and calling me every name in the book. In that situation control would be much harder. Please don't take it that I am condeming anyones actions, merely letting others that read this know what the consequences of not controlling their anger could be. What has happened has happened, only tommorrow and how you treat that day can lead you down the path to happiness.

I bit my FWH. Just once, but it was pretty hard and scared him badly. I'd just found evidence of ongoing contact, for the fifth or sixth time, within a day of yet another promise that it was over, yet another email from him to her from our home address. Next day we went to work, he got onto his work email and wrote her a message that basically said he did it to get me off his neck, that she was the one, that he loved her and wanted her, thought of her and day and night and longed for her.<p>Nasty person that I am, I hacked his mail and found the message.<p>When we went home, I told him what I'd found and went into the closet to start packing. He pulled me out, wrapped his arms around me, insisted that I was the one, that he loved me, wanted me and was just trying to build her ego by saying what he said, because he felt sorry for her and didn't want to hurt her feelings. Then he tried to kiss me. <p>Well, I'm not proud of it, I bit him in the shoulder, and it happened before I could think. I apologised right away and literally ran away. Out of the house, ran till my legs were shaking too hard to carry me any further, sat down on a wall till I could breathe and then tottered home.<p>That bite shook H to the core. He said that for the first time he realised that my feelings were not just put-on, that I was not trying to manipulate, control and blackmail him, that I was really really hurting. My loss of control opened his eyes fully to my anguish.<p>Shortly after that the EA ended, though it took another 8 months after that to get NO CONTACT and get her out of our lives.<p>I understand what you're saying. I'm not copping out of my responsibility for what I did. I understand now that I must never ever again allow myself to get stoked to that point. I've never been violent before or since. I know now that I must defuse at the lowest possible level, and I'm hypervigilant. <p>If your WH ever says to you again that you're making it so easy for him to walk away, try telling him calmly that you have too much respect for yourself to try hold him against his will.... and then YOU turn and walk away.

selket - yes indeed I've been in situations where I have reacted rather than choosing my actions.<p>What I have come to understand is that I always have a choice. <p>I can not choose other's actions, but I can choose mine. I can choose whether or not I relinquish control over my actions to my emotions.<p>I am absolutely responsible for my behavior 100% of the time.<p>I also want to point out that if Wrungout had been a man confessing to hitting his wife in the heat of discovery, he'd be condemned, not told that it was understandable and that he wasn't responsible.<p>I firmly believe in upholding the same standards for men as well as women when it comes to domestic violence.<p>If Wrungout's husband had decked her - there'd be quite a few, including myself, offering her advice to seek a shelter or abuse hotline for assistance until she could be sure that she was safe.<p>Women shouldn't be allowed any more leeway then men. That's the bottom line. Hitting is hitting.

Thanks for all your input! Well it won't happen again anyway I am just so frustrated & p****d off about this situation. I woke up this mornig crying my eyes out I felt so upset & Distraught about things. I really should maybe go & see our doctor to see if he can give me something to help me thru this but the OW is our district nurse & you have to go thru her to get to the doctor I just feel so hurt about all this but I can't seem to pull myself together, I can hardly see the keyboard now for crying & thats the last thing that I want h to see is me falling appart cause he's in his own little world right now I have just read his needs her needs & surviving an affair & can see how things have come to this stage but i sent h an email explaining that these are very good books & that I left them out for him to read if he would like to but NOTHING they r still sitting in the same place I just thought that it would maybe be helpful to him. Anyway our stuff is being taken away to go in the clearing sale today so am feeling very sad about that. I will get myself some councelling when i leave here as will be spending 6 weeks on my own at my sons house while he is at sea. OK thanx again for all your input if anyone wants to email me directly let me know & I will provide my email address. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Good luck I hope your time away gives you the strength to go on and take care of yourself. The pain caused by this type of situation is one I could not have imagined, I don't even believe losing your loved one to death could bring up the emotions this has. Anytime I see Hollywood, or anyone else glorifying affairs as someone leaving somehting bad for something good, I will remember what myself and alot of others have gone through. The only problem is with time wounds do heal, and we once again learn to watch and accept this as a part of life. Don't harbour any hard feelings for striking him, no doubt he deserved it, and you are apologetic to yourself for what you have done. Look to the future and start to look at what you can do for yourself over the next while.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by BrambleRose:<p>
I also want to point out that if Wrungout had been a man confessing to hitting his wife in the heat of discovery, he'd be condemned, not told that it was understandable and that he wasn't responsible.
.[/QB][/QUOT<p>Point taken, BrambleRose, and I agree with you - hitting is hitting.<p>However - 2 important points you seem to have missed - most of the people who responded to this post, including me, HAVE taken responsibility for their actions and pointed out to Wrungout that she needed to do that as well.<p>Men who hit their partners also need counselling, which will assist them to take responsibility for their actions. Without understanding, there is no movement forward. I personally know of one couple where the husband slapped his wife - this was a one-off in a long marriage and did not end what is a good marriage - this couple do most of the things "right" which Harley suggests on this website. This slap came at a particularly stressful time in both their lives, which did not involve an affair - and they both sought counselling together immediately afterwards. They are a couple who jointly handle their problems. Some couples do. I don't think condemning him or advising her to seek shelter in a battered woman's refuge would have been appropriate. To discuss this, as I have, is not tantamount to my condoning male violence against women - and I am aware that there are plenty of battered husbands out there, believe it or not.<p>I am saying this was an act which occured under extreme stress - that does not excuse her, or me, for that matter, from the responsibility for that action. But it IS OK, in my Bible, to have compassion for people who fail to live up to perfect standards.<p>Odile

HI, I too, have struck out, and not meant to.. but I do know I can control this in the future... and you have said you will too. Please do not beat yourself up over it, that is what I do ,and did. <p>Since my anger is so out of control , or was, or has been a t times... over this A... I have uped my original does of anti d's//- the dr. told me depression increases anger... or feeds it... whatever...<p>Be careful and take care of you. <p>My H also seems to think I am a wrestling champ... with the way he goes on and on about my slaps... he has hurt me far worse emotionally and yes, even physically in response to a slap from me... that was a while back..<p>but I was punihsed physically as a child... quite severely.. because of that... m y kids are not spanked at all.. and I thought I was SO against violence, rationally I am... but when pushed agasint the wall... I bite... or slapped that is.<p>IT brought me a lot of shame and heartache. Forgive yourself, it was a mistake... do make ammends and apologize to him...<p>Perhaps there is still a recoery in the works... be patient... my H is angry but forgiving- he still needs more time... of my outbursts.<p>I am sorry you reached this point... in my case it gave everyone a reason to say... OH LOOK- SEE HONEY iS THE PROBLEM. And yes, I am part of it... but I did not go off lying and having affairs... ? OK? It is very difficult to get through this pain, this is the worst thing that ever happened to me, e ver in my life.<p>Thanks and Hugs to yOu, I know how terrible you feel and that you did not mean it... but do think about how you can start healing you now... to stop it later.. meds, taking care of you.. pampering you... relaxation... stepping back from the punching ring or the high drama our WS's put us through.<p>I know there are so many people who may not of been abused as you or in such an intense situation or had yuour background , etc. Forgive you and work on you... tht is the answer.. but do apologize... you did not mean it, and that is evident from your words. Healing and Peace to you. <p>H

I've really appreciated reading everyone's posts on this subject. Seems like there's nothing I've gone thru that someone on this board hasn't gone thru before or since.<p>I am absolutely the most laid-back and calm person I know...honestly. I'm not easily ruffled, and it takes A LOT to make me mad. Actually, the only times I remember being really angry were directly related to my H's affairs (his lying, really). <p>I coped through both of his A's without any hint of violence. But last June when I found out he was becoming too friendly with a certain badge-bimbo and had been lying to me about it all along (AGAIN!?!), I was SO ANGRY!!!! When I found all her #'s in his cell phone (he forgot it at home), and then found him eating lunch with her....I lost it! I didn't even realize it at the time, but I punched him hard in the stomach -- in front of several witnesses in the cafe parking lot (some of them fellow cops). I didn't even remember doing it until days later, when he mentioned it. It IS possible for anyone to simply lose it! I'm a mature, reasonable, extremely religious woman, but I reached the end of my rope and anger just took over. <p>Not proud of it, but there it is. Our recovery is going great (he hasn't seen/talked to her since July -- nor has he been back to the cafe!), and we can actually laugh about my bar-fight move now. <p>at peace<p>[ April 29, 2002: Message edited by: at peace ]</p>