Hello! In review, my husband told me last week to move on, it's completely over, etc. So, since that time I have not called him or mentioned much about us when we exchange the kids. He won't talk about the A. It's continuing but I don't know the extent of it or how attached he is. I was friendly over the weekend but when he called tonight and stopped by I was business friendly and did not encourage conversation. I wished him a good night and he left. I don't know whether to do A or B. He is much more interested in conversation since I have stopped calling him. How do you think I should act?
Thanks.

Can't Sleep~
My heart goes out to you!<p>This was in a reply to a thread I started about how to meet WS's EN while "detaching" from them...It was so good I printed it out. Hope you can get some help from this. If you're still having contact, then really you can't be in Plan B. But since he seems to be missing you already (by stopping the phone calls) it might be something to think about. These suggestions are for doing Plan A, but no matter what you call it--I think these things would get the attention of the WS!<p>I can't take credit for it; I'm just passing it on.
~amazingrace
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I LuvNprotect ME
Member
Member # 16498
posted April 22, 2002 11:30 AM
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I got this off http://www.divorcebusting.com. I hope this helps. DivorceBusting suggests doing a 180.<p>1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get
busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,
etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start
the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have
had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you
are going to move on with your life, with or without
your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull
back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more
important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show
your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him
someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which
may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes
their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really
saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you
want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &
focus on all the other parts of your life that are not
in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any
words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you
are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with
your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than
50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in
absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad
you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

AmazingGrace:
Thanks for list. They make sense. I am going to do it. It's hard to wonder if we'll ever get back together when my family says, "Get on with it. We're sorry it happened. We liked him but now is your chance to find someone that better challenges you. Do it. If you married him because he was safe, he no longer is. Look what he did." It's true..there are people that I may be better suited for but I also think, in hindsight, I didn't take responsibility for any of my needs and I was pretty miserable to live with. I love him and I wanted my kids to grow-up with thier Dad. I wish H would talk about the A. He just says he doesn't love her, hasn't slept with her (they have had several sleepovers-I don't believe this), and that the A isn't the reason that we "split-up" etc. H is either with male housemate, the OW, or our kids. He will never have time to be alone, think and reason whether we could ever make it. It feels so hopeless.
What is 2SIL at the end of your signature?
Any comments anyone?
Thanks.

can't sleep - Gracie's/I LuvNprotect ME's list from Divorce Busters is a good primer for how to act here in the early stages. See also WAT's Quick Start Guidelines on the Just Found Out forum.<p>The only thing missing from the list is what to do next - the main part of Plan A. Read up on Plan A some more around this site. Start identifying the things you were doing wrong that contributed to the favorable environment that allowed his affair to occur.<p>Very importantly, do not place any stock in what he says about the A not being the reason for why you split up. The A is the ONLY reason you split up - but it's not the reason for the prexisting problems in your marriage.<p>Right now, until you get educated by this site, the best action is "do nothing" towards him and do everything to distract yourself and to do the opposite of what your instincts tell you - all the 180 things in the list.<p>Also, if your name has meaning, see a doc about antidepressants.

WAT-
Thanks. I have started on antidepress. I will read more on plan A. My H isn't going to realize anything that he's done--the why's, etc--because he won't ever think about it or read anything. Is it possible to reconcile with someone who thinks so black and white? He said the thing about the affair not causing the separation out of the blue. We weren't talking about our relationship at the time. I think he believes it.
It's so discouraging. I can't compete with a younger, attactive, childless, single coworker who loves to golf and has a healthy income. I don't understand what she gets from this-married man with three kids and little money in a few months. I guess attention.
From your signature, it seems your divorce is final this month. I am sorry. Do you continue to work on the principles here?
Thanks for your reply.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by can't sleep:
[QB]My H isn't going to realize anything that he's done--the why's, etc--because he won't ever think about it or read anything. Is it possible to reconcile with someone who thinks so black and white? He said the thing about the affair not causing the separation out of the blue. I think he believes it.[QB]<hr></blockquote><p>"Is it possible to reconcile with someone who thinks so black and white?" <p>Yes, and no.<p>It is possible and very likely to attempt reconciliation with him - just not now.<p>The very best advice I can offer you is to think of your H right now as an alien abductee. His brains are scrambled. He may believe he's "in love", but he's actually out of his mind, out of reality. Please accept this and do not think of yourself as in a competition with this duffer who has a HUGE handicap.<p>The meds will take a while to work. As with EVERYTHING else in your challenge - be patient.<p>As for me, I believe the principles here are for life, not just for trying to restore marriages after infidelity. Just tonight, I recognized the parallels between Plan A and the youth sports coaching seminar I attended at my son's school.<p>WAT

WAT-
Yes, I will accept your advice about my H being an alien at this point. Thanks for making me smile with the golf analogy. I am going to learn more about Plan A --sounds like the ticket to alot of good things.
Signing off for the night-
Can't Sleep

HUGS to you can't sleep...<p>You have received some EXCELLENT advice... from your prior posts it sounds as if you still have some good communication w/ your H... that being the case, I would recommend plan A... for now...<p>build up yourself and that lovebank while you can and as long as you feel like you can...<p>When you start to feel that you are being drained... can't do it anymore... then consider plan B... but that (like in divorcebusting) is a last resort... and it is a timing thing... so that you are NOT completely out of love w/ your H.<p>So again, build up yourself... and yes, move on... as you read Lotsva's story, you will note that she moved on... kept living... read a ton of books... worked on herself... that's the best thing that you can do... strengthen and learn to really love you.<p>Hugs,
Cali

Can't sleep~
The '2SIL' at the end of my signature means: 2 sons-in-law.<p>It is very hard for our families to understand why we want to believe for our marriages to be restored. They hate to see us get hurt; it's much easier to tell someone else to do something very difficult (like get a divorce); and the way of the world is to throw away the marriage when it gets messy or hard and start over with someone else. <p>Our daughters are very unhappy with my MB message board participation. They know about their father's A (he talks a lot when he drinks about things he shouldn't talk about in front of the family) and they are VERY adamant about what they think I should do about it! They want me to move on and find someone who would treat me much better. They are very angry at their father, and have directed their anger at me as well, for putting up with his disrespectful behavior toward me.<p>I don't argue with our daughters or try to explain my point of view anymore. I just listen when they give me their opinions. I know they speak out of love for me. <p>WAT gives very good advice. The alien abductee example is a very good one. The WS involved in an A makes no sense whatsoever! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The hardest part by far for me has been having patience during this whole thing. <p>I'm the kind of person that wants to do something NOW--FIX IT, DISCUSS IT, FIND IT, DOOOOO IT-- NOW!! You see where I'm coming from. If I get thru one whole day without LB my H I feel as if I've conquered the world! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>God Bless~
amazingrace

Yes, for today I'll be patient. Patience is not my best virture-in fact, it's not one. But I'll be developing it. H is out-of-town at company annual meeting tonight (with her too as she is coworker). I hate it. I think of them together with the people that H and I were friends with. H stopped wearing his ring 2 weeks ago (so did I)so I am sure there will be some questions. But for today..patience.
Thanks.