I'm having trouble with H's friendship with his buddy guy friend - again!!!! Nothing has changed. H still spends a lot of time with him (in fact they're out for a coffee yet again right now).<p>As part of POJAing with my H... this friend should not be part of our life anymore. I do NOT 'enthusiastically agree' with their friendship. His presence in our lives causes me much pain and anguish. Not only did H used to use him as his excuse for meeting up with other women... but this same friend told me off one night by telling me to "F*** off", and also telling me that my father was a "fat F***". TOTALLY DISREPECTFUL to me. There's no argument there.<p>Okay. Next step. I've done the research on MB. And according to the Harley principles, in my H's efforts to show care and respect etc for me, he should be willing to drop this friendship altogether. In its place, H and I should be forming NEW friendships with people that we BOTH like.<p>I know I have to ask H to stop all contact with this buddy guy friend. I know it will hurt him tremendously. It will be just like the withdrawal from an OP. And no matter how I say it, it will be a MEGA LB to him. <p>My problem is: How should I word it to him? I am willing to write it out to him (b/c to be quite honest, I don't trust myself to verbally say things the right way). And what I'm looking for on here is some help with EXACT words, phrases, sentences, etc.<p>I know.. you'd think I could come up with all of this on my own. But it's the usual story - I'm IN this situation... so I don't see it as clearly as the rest of you will.<p>Thanks in advance for any and all replies.<p>Karen

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Topie25:"Not only did H used to use him as his excuse for meeting up with other women... but this same friend told me off one night by telling me to "F*** off", and also telling me that my father was a "fat F***". TOTALLY DISREPECTFUL to me. There's no argument there."</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hi Karen.<p>Tell me, does your H know that his so-called 'friend' (and I use the term very loosely)said these terrible things to you?<p>If he doesn't then he needs to find from you what a [censored] this guy ,posing as his friend, really is.<p>And if he does and sees nothing wrong with this, then your H has to decide what is more important, his scumbag pal or you his W?<p>I look at this kind of behavior as an attack on you. If your H truly loves you he would tell this slimeball to 'f*** off' and never speak to him again. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I pray that God opens your H's eyes as to the snake he calls a 'friend'<p>God bless.<p>Joe

Thanks Joe. Yes, H knows about what was said. He was right there when it was said... last summer sometime (the end of July?). His 'friend' couldn't believe that I was willing to kick H out of the house again, over something he thought was silly. The silly thing for me, was the last straw at that time. I filled in this 'friend' on what H had done during our separation (sleeping around with at LEAST 3 OW), and how H used him as his scapegoat for about a year. Of course, H didn't share the 'whole' story with his friend. SO TYPICAL of a WS!!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

I should also add that I realize that it really isn't entirely the friends' fault in this mess. It was actually H who made me turn on him (by using him as his scapegoat, etc). However, it was the telling off to me that was my final straw towards him. There's no turning back.<p>He did apologize.... but all that was said was, "I'm sorry about my behaviour the other night". Not good enough for me.<p>I'm still desperately (???) looking for suggestions on how to word this to H. Even just little bits and pieces.<p>I'm figuring it will be a lengthy letter. It will include the MB views on the situation (the stuff I found in the articles and letters), and it will obviously state that in order for our M to progress, I need to heal more. And the next step towards that is for you to end all contact with 'friend'. Hmmm... kind of like a plan B letter asking for no more contact with OW. <p>Karen

Karen,
Just a thought, I don't know that you should tell your husband that this friend can no longer be in his life. That will probably just make your husband want to be around the friend that much more. (Immature yes!) I am not the one that is good with words. You need Cali or BR for the actual words. But I would think that it has to be the I message thing and it needs to be a win/win situation for both you and your husband.<p>Just my 2 cents for what it is worth.<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Karen,
Let him know that this friendship makes you feel unsafe. This is not restoring the trust in your M and that is hurting you deeply. <p>Presentation is important here. Watch his reaction. You will see how much his friendship means vs his family. <p>Hugz,
L.

Thanks daybreak and Orchid.<p>I have been talking to H about this for many many months now. I have explained to him how he is not making me feel safe and secure b/c of this friendship (using those exact words too). I have told him that it isn't right for me to ask him to stop this friendship altogether too.... that it should be HIS decision. I have told him that I FEEL as though he is choosing 'friend' over me many of the times, and that I hurt. And I have given him the specific reasons why I don't want him to be around this guy anymore (such as the changes I see in my H after he's spent any length of time with this friend, and of course, b/c of what this friend represents to me... a MAJOR trigger). I have tried not saying anything to my H, in the hopes that he would 'see the light' on his own. However, H just doesn't get it (still!!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>Just coming out and 'demanding' (which I know it is) seems to be the only way to approach this now. Kind of like a plan B, you know?<p>We are honestly stuck. He won't end the friendship on his own. And I can't take the friendship anymore. And I'm afraid that the only way I can see out of this mess is with a little bit of demanding. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] (my rationale is that it's okay to demand that the WS stop having contact with the OP b/c it is affecting our M's. Why isn't it any different with a friendship?).<p>Karen

No demand necessary, just relate the pertinent information:<p>"Each time you choose to spend time with [friend] with the knowledge of the distress it causes me because of x, y, and z, it results in added pain and is a major Love Buster for me that makes huge withdrawals from your account in my Love Bank. The result is that, especially with the other withdrawals you have been making lately (continued internet porn usage), there is danger of me losing any remaining positive feelings for you which, as you must be aware, will negatively affect the status of our R."<p>Short, sweet, and to the point.

Karen....I know your frustration first-hand. My hubby, too, has "friends" (I use the term loosely) who knew of his adultry and withheld the same from me. He claims that his friends are not at fault and that the blame lays entirely upon his shoulders yet I cannot, for the life of me, forgive these buddies who knew about and enabled the affair. The affair has ended (or so he says...will I ever know the truth?) and he still maintains contact with a few of these guys. <p>I am less than comfortable around these folks and feel as though I'm the laughing stock of the neighborhood. My hubby says that this is not true yet there is no closure for me when these guys are around. I want to ask them how the hell they could know about the dishonor that was bestowed upon me and allow the same to continue. Yet, these are friends of his and not my comrades. Needless to say, I feel most uncomfortable around these so called "friends" because I trust them less than I do my wayward husband. <p>It all seems like a conspiracy to me, ya' know?