So we made "love" again.....!!!! - ****! - Marriage Builders® Forums

I'm not very good at this am I - I'm soo sorry for posting here and trying to get out of my Affair - but I simply could not - He just left yes *I let him in once again - I feel like crap. But as most of you have said this is a MB site and my "pain" does not belong here!!!!Sorry for being such a disapointment- I will spare you my posts in the future!Ps. Hmmm - havent spelledchecked - But then again who cares?????Take care out there and build!!!!!! I'm too tired and to desillutioned right now - The moment when we wore in eachothers arms speaking about everything between heaven and earth - I'm just TRYING to GET my mind straight - Geeeeeeeeez - If it was easy.....Nevermind!!!!

HF, Posts like these need to be on: "The Other Woman" , Gloryb or other pages geared toward the cheating spouse. For those of us that have been betrayed and are trying to recover all you do with posts like these are plant seeds of doubt, reinitiate pain or hurt the WS that are truly moving forward out of the fog and back towards their marriages. Please, have some empathy for those of us in your H's shoes...your sex life...your issues with posts like these are not appropriate for a "Marriage Builders"...perhaps when you actively seek tyo build your marriage this will be the right forum. But, while you are actively destroying, do you think that this is really appropriate or kind?

I'm not even going to say what I really have to say because it will be very harsh and very nasty. So I think I will leave it up to someone else on here. Grrrrrr, I have so much to say and started typing some of it anyway and then deleted it. Someone please speak up and say something before I explode!

HumbleFish:I'd suggest that you stop feeling so sorry for yourself---it's not going to help you do what you need to do.I would suggest that you send your OM a "no contact" letter, that you specifically let him know that you will never see or contact him again. No reference to love you shared---business-like at the best, and if you can make it a bit cruel, do it.Next thing. Tell his wife. He needs to be accountable for his behavior, and his wife can help him there. You could do this with a phone call, or by sending a copy of the note.I can't remember if you are married (I thought not). If you are, your next job is to tell your husband---so that he can help you be accountable. If you aren't married, find a girlfriend who will help you stick with the no contact rule.That's the prescription. You and he are "addicts"---and you're each other's fix. You must separate and get through the withdrawal stages before you're going to feel any relief. That timeframe will be weeks (and probably months)---and any contact at all will severely set you back.

HF:In your posts you have helped WS and BS alike see the perspective of the OW.I don't mean the following to be cruel, but it is blunt and honest: lingering here while perpetuating an affair offsets much of the good you have done providing insights. BS's in particular, and even many WS's (me included), find that your lingering fog is counterproductive to the goals stated by this site.We do wish you the best, but I would heartily recommend finding: (a) good professional counseling, or (b) a site more akin and sypathetic to your problems.There are many, many on this site--BS and WS alike--seeking to rebuild marriages (the stated goal of this site). And while the insights of the OP are welcomed, those that continue their self-indulgent behavior eventually wear out their welcome here.Godspeed, STL[This message has been edited by SeenTheLight (edited June 29, 2001).]

STL- you said it a hell of alot nicer then I would have. I knew that there was someone out there that could say it blunt to the point but not nasty. Unlike me.

Humble,I so rarely post to you, but this one struck a chord.I know you want to be told "poor, poor Humble." And, I am truly sorry that you stumbled. But you made a choice and you let him in...."It takes 21 days to make a habit;" the Harleys books say the first 3 weeks in withdrawal are the hardest....Girl, you have to make it through those 3 weeks...You have to strengthen yourself. As K said, it is an addiction...this will keep going on and on and on unless you become strong and quit saying "poor, poor, pitiful me."You keep coming here, so I don't doubt your seriousness, but like any good 'sponsor' we cannot enable your addiction. We cannot feel sorry for you. This is all ON YOU. OWN IT.Cali

HF,I have been here with you since the beginning.I have never berated you or been unkind.I have reached out to you, hugged you, begged you to get some help and listened to you as you went through the withdrawl from the OM.Please accept this in the kindest way I can offer it: You are not married, you are not here to MarriageBuild, and when you post threads like this, you HURT people. Is this what you want?You must realize that sharing about being "in the arms" of the OM is going to cut to the heart of spouses here trying to rebuild, don't you?Please, please, see a therapist about your depression and go to an AA meeting about the drinking.I wish you peace~~ this certainly cannot be peaceful for you.

Humblefish,You are disillusioned? About what? You have no illations about the situation you are in. You are the OW, helping to destroy the marriage and life of your MM’s wife.Your continued behavior, after all the time you have spent talking to us here at MB has not changed your behavior at all. We have suggested to you all of the strong measure you needed to take to end your affair. You refuse to do those and to set and maintain the necessary limits. There are many, many people here who are hurting and seeking help. You are used the energies of the people on this site to their detriment. Again you are using people for your own selfish purpose at their expense.Your post disgusts me. You dare to come here and exclaim the wonder of screwing another woman’s husband. And then you have the audacity to weakly lament your behavior. Your relationship with this man is not love it is addition. Please go get professional help. There is nothing of value you can contribute to this site. And the members of this site are wasting their energies on you.GoodbyeZ ------------------ He loves not who does not show love. ----William Shakespeare

"So we made LOVE again".... no u didn't.....making love isn't lies, secrets and putting someone's life at risk, meaning his W, I PRAY U USE CONDOMS!! IF ONLY 1 THING, I REALLY PRAY U USE CONDOMS! Goodbye HumbleFish[This message has been edited by trying2_4give (edited June 29, 2001).]

God, if only I knew you and that MM I would call his wife MYSELF and tell her what is going on AND copy and paste ALL your posts and send them to her!!!!! If your going to post something like that again...don't bother. You have cried wolf to many times girlfriend and this time it's not going to work. Oh, big ****ing deal you screwed a married man. That's DISGUSTING! You have no respect for yourself, the MM or his wife! How dare you????? And you need to work on your drinking too. Go get some help!!!!!! Your going to need alot! I have some other things to say but I think I have said enough for right now without everyone getting pissed at me saying what I have to say not matter what.[This message has been edited by survivorthruitall2 (edited June 29, 2001).]

Your not here to help you're here to hurt. Well you know what...I wish I could be there when he finally says adios to you and your world crumbles around you. I want to be the first one to laugh in your face and say "HOW DOES IT FEEL?????????" You disgust me! Cry all you want when you read these post. Or laugh all you want, whatever. But who is going to have the last laugh? All of us here on Marriage Builders!Adios!

Humblefish, I just have one question for you. If you and MM are sooooo in love with each other, why has he not left and divorced his wife?? Do you not agree that love has an element of respect about it?? Do you think that this man has any respect for you. You want so badly to think that this is true love and you are meant to be. Sorry the fact is he is using you and you have so little respect for yourself that you allow it to happen. There are a lot of times I have thought about my H affair and feel as though I lost, but your post make me see clearly that indeed I won. I never lost my respect and I KNOW -why because I live it!!! that I am a good person of honesty and integrity. No flowery words or dramtics can replace this. This my dear is why my H is with ME now, why he always loved me, because it is real and true and why no matter what the future holds- as long as I am true to myself I win I win I win. Right now you may feel loss but you might want to really consider what it is you have lost and seem to continue to seek yet never find.Joyful

Joyful:Yes you do win, win, win! Humblefish, however, is--in baseball terms--0 for nothing in the 2001 season.Godspeed, STL

Humblefish's Original Post: [Zorweb reminded me of at least one occasion where HF deleted the words to her original post, much to the confusion of everyone trying to post]I'm not very good at this am I - I'm soo sorry for posting here and trying to get out of my Affair - but I simply could not - He just left yes *I let him in once again - I feel like crap. But as most of you have said this is a MB site and my "pain" does not belong here!!!! Sorry for being such a disapointment- I will spare you my posts in the future!Ps. Hmmm - havent spelledchecked - But then again who cares?????Take care out there and build!!!!!! I'm too tired and to desillutioned right now - The moment when we wore in eachothers arms speaking about everything between heaven and earth - I'm just TRYING to GET my mind straight - Geeeeeeeeez - If it was easy.....Nevermind!!!![End of Insert] [This message has been edited by SeenTheLight (edited June 29, 2001).]

Humblefish; You wrote "I feel like crap". The sympathy level is below sea level at this point. Talk about rubbing salt into fresh wounds. Try to understand our view points. "yes *I let him in once again" should we understand that you are weak or just a gluttin for punishment. Most of the people posting are looking for answers to build and save their marriages, is it too difficult for you to understand that what you are doing is the reason they have even started posting. Don't get me wrong I can understand how difficult it is to say no....but my goodness are you that blind. He had sex with you, not love, he got what he wanted and now he's gone. 'See ya next time baby' Wake up! Even if he does EVER leave his wife and come to you, what makes you think he'll stay with you. Can you trust him? Or better yet, why should he trust you? Just some thoughts

HF,I read your post and at first was not going to respond because I didn't want to come across as too harsh or mean or hurtfull.I can tell that you are in pain but it is time for YOU to end the pain. Nobody else is going to do it for you.End your affair. Not for the MM wife but for YOU.Do you really think this man cares about you??As I've said before he only cares about himself. He wants it all! Yes, you make him feel good, if you didn't he wouldn't be risking his marriage to be with you. But, that is the whole point...he is there only because you make HIM feel good. He isn't there to help you or to make you feel good. If he really cared about you he would end his marraige to be with you and only you or he would allow you to be free to find somebody that will be with you and only you.Free yourself!!!! Don't allow him to come back into your life. Mail him a "no-contact" letter. (Don't hand deliver it - that didn't work last time did it?) Don't answer his phone calls. Don't allow him into your home if you answer the door to find him standing there.If you really want to end the affair you can do it. You just have to DO IT!!!!! Take care of you and find a good friend that can help you through this - somebody you can call when you feel your resolve weakening.Take Care {{{{{{HF}}}}}}}

Excuse me while I throw up. <blech>Okay. HF, Patient Love is right. Everything she said.And yes, these types of posts do hurt us BS's alot. Perhaps if you need help you could just write: I screwed up again, somebody tell me I was wrong and give me a kick in the butt. You get support, we don't feel bad, win/win.<blech>, sorry one more for good measure.

I just wanted to add something.A note to the MBers on this thread.How many of us have rallied behind a WS that has "fallen" numerous times? How many times did people come at my H (Arik) with a 2x4 encouraging him to do the right thing and giving him the support he needed to do it. I realize HF is not a WS, but she is a person who is having a tough time ending an affair just like many WSs out there. Let's try and offer her the same support we would offer those people - the kind of support we have offered those people (my H included)That's it.Just something I, along with some other board members, are thinking.------------------ Love and Prayers Nicole

HF, Why don't you come on over to my home one day when I am feeling the pain and despair over my husband's actions. I extend to you an invitation to witness a betrayed wife in her husband's arms hyperventalating. I suppose the point I am attempting to make is that it is time to think of someone besides yourself. If this man has a 'true' and lasting love for you, he will divorce his wife and marry you and that action my friend, is the right thing to do rather than sneak around behind her back. In your mind you can rationalize my words into a personal attack, but the truth of the matter is that I have been kindness personified in my dealings with my H's OW. You have received a great deal of support on this board. I extend my support to you as well. I also will be praying for your MM's wife. She absolutely positively DESERVES and has the right as a human being to know what her husband is doing to her. Yes to her.... He is betraying her and risking her life every time he has unprotected sex with anyone other than his spouse. The more you have read on this site the more of a connection you should be experiencing with this man's wife. So the longer the affair goes on, I see you as committing a more direct betrayal of this woman. Any one of us BS's on this board who are trying to assist you could be your MM's wife. Take this as an attack if you must or take this as a wake up call.

HumbleFish- Ya know, [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

It's getting to be a tough thing to come and support you here. As you can see, you are getting under a lot of people's skin. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

I truly feel for you. For whatever reason, I sympathize with you totally, though I do not support your choices necessarily. I have been in your shoes, and I have to admit that had my OW and I lived closer to one another, your story would be mine. If what you desire is to end your relationship with this man, for whatever reason...it is YOU who must act. YOU are the one who will be responsible for your fate on this one darlin'. We do not always make the choices that we wish we would have, and some of our choices we will regret for eternity, but choices are just that, choices. If yours is to stop this relationship, than YOU must do it. If your choice is to continue this relationship, than YOU must come to the understanding that broadcasting that choice in this forum is just like a cruel kind of torture to the posters here. Most everyone here has at least some understanding of your present state of mind, from one side or another. Please, decide where YOU want to be, and make that decision stick, and deal with the consequences. Good or bad, it's up to YOU. YOU! Support always, ArikNOW, to the rest of the posters here. Guys, frankly I am kind of saddened to see your responses to this post. I understand fully, your feelings, and your reactions to the harsh memories that this must bring up. Yes, you have all for the most part been big supporters of HF, to the "enth" degree, but you all know, as well as I do, that had this been me, or Firestorm, or Deut, or Seenthelight, or [H], or anyone of the other very long term posters here, you would have shared your displeasure, told us how pi$$ed you were at our falling, then you would have told us to go on, that tomorrow would be a new day, and that you are here to support us. I love you guys for that, you all must know this by now. Because she is not married, because she is an OW, does not make HumbleFish an alien to us. How is it that because of some pain that is brought up, we turn and say "go away, it's just too much to take"? Yes, we want to build marriages, yes we want this MM in her life to be able to fix his...but does that give us the free reign to "stone" this friend? Nope, don't think so. C'mon guys, on this one I am ready to go to battle. We are not people that turn on one another...don't start with this one. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Being a Dissappointed Arik [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

[This message has been edited by Being a better Arik (edited June 29, 2001).]

HumbleFish - I have never written to you before - but I hope you read my 2 cents.You said "I feel like crap", and yes you should. Because you know it is wrong, and you know you should not be doing it. Yes, I am a BW, just like the one you are hurting.Find your own man who will love you for your self. How is the euphoria worth all that you are doing to yourself - you are tearing yourself down. You need to "no contact", and get away from him. Go through your withdrawal, depression, with a therapist.And yes, I agree with everyone else. Leave us be to suffer in our created worlds. If you want help from us, stay away from wrong.Sorry to be so harsh - some would not say it - but you make me mad.

HF:Well, flamed again, huh...are you are a glutton for punishment or is this just a game to you?... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

I understand this from your point of view...I really think you picture yourself in love with this man...my question is how reciprocal that love is on MM's side...you have told him that you want to end it...why can't he respect that decision...Is it because he is so madly in love with you?...well, I'll bet even you don't really believe that...I think you know where this man is coming from and you are trying to fool yourself into believing that there is some possibility that in the end this will work out...so you give in and let him in again. I think it is human nature to think that we are that special person that everyone would give up his life for...but it usually doesn't happen...and he's proven to you that he is not willing to do that...all he is willing to do is be there when he has needs. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Aren't you worth more then this? Where is your self-respect? Don't let this man continue to use you...because in the end he will discard you and move on...if he needs to. Don't wait until he makes the decision...you have the power to end this now...there's no future in this...tell yourself that and do what has to be done.Forget about MB, WS, BS...we all have our crosses to carry...and pain to bare...but we will come out of this with our self-respect intact....WIll YOU?????Faye

Being a better Arik,I agree with you totally. However I guess I am just having trouble with something here. Many of us have spent a lot of time and energy supporting HumbleFish. We have certainly caught some flack from people here for doing so but I believe it is important to support all parties in this terrible triangle. I have learned a lot from HumbleFish’s challenges. They have made me think deeply. She does seem to have a habit of flaming everyone and biting the hand of her support. The problem I have now is that her post was not really remorse full, it seems to be an in your face, “look what I did”, type of post. I guess I do not buy the sprinkling of remorse I see there. Actually I see no remorse only some expression of pain. And I do not believe that the pain expressed is based in guilt or remorse. Over time, I am coming to the conclusion that this site is an entertainment for HumbleFish. That she is playing us to her amusement. I could be wrong. I honestly believe that all of my efforts and those of the other supporters here have done little good. Have you ever dealt with a person with a drug problem? It feels that same way. It feels like enabling. I for one cannot go down that road. It is too painful for me. It’s a bottomless bit that I personally cannot deal with.I am sure that each of the people here who have said that they cannot be supportive of her have a personal pain that made them arrive at that decision. Perhaps there are others on this board, like yourself who feel strong enough to help HumbleFish. But I do not. I am dealing with too much in my life between recovering from my husband’s affairs, raising children whose lives have been torn apart by their parents’ affairs. (SeenTheLights’ XW left him and his children for her OM. My XH left me so he can have his women.) I only have so much to give.Perhaps my reaction to this HumbleFish’s post is a little strong but it is my honest reaction to the tone and content of her post. So I will leave support of HumbleFish to those who have the energy to offer it.Z------------------ He loves not who does not show love. ----William Shakespeare

Humble fish, If you want sympathy it's in the dictionare between sh*t and syffalous (sp?)...get off the pity-pot and start taking responsibility for your own actions and not blaming other people for you being a WEAK person. And if you have a drinking problem look in your local phone book under AA...right in the front pages. Bye. W.I.T.W.

HF, I don’t want to be hurtful here but I’m confused. You say that you have the real thing with your MM. But from reading all your posts tonight, it looks like the pattern is that he drops by unannounced, has sex with you and leaves. To me it looks like he’s using you for sex. How often does he take you out and treat you like a proper lady? That’s not love honey. He primed you at the beginning of your affair and now that he’s paid his dues he feels he has the right to your body any time he wants it. He is using you and you are having trouble admitting it to yourself. Find your self-respect and pride and dump the guy.[This message has been edited by MyLife (edited June 30, 2001).][This message has been edited by MyLife (edited June 30, 2001).]

Some may call it being flamed, I call it hearing the truth. Isn't that what she is coming here for?? Don't some of you WS wish someone had slapped some sense into you before the damage you were doing escalated? I don't see how hearing the truth can be getting flamed. Would you lie to your best friend and tell her everything is going to be OK. So you continue to make the same mistake over and over and over but sweetie it is all OK. Tomorrow is a new day and the past is behind you. The problem is that the past will always be there. The past can drag you down into the gutter or you can take the past and learn and grow and BE. Be a beautiful person from the inside out. HF you have been given tremendous support here, and that support is available to you by wonderful giving people. What do you think is an important aspect in communicating with others? I believe the key element to communication is the ability to view the situation from the perspective of the other person. As you read each of these posts try to keep in mind the perspective of the person who wrote it.HF - It is a brand new day. The first day of the rest of your life. Make the most of it. I have a feeling you may end up depressed after having sex with your MM. If you are depressed, then that is really a good thing. Believe it or not, you are supposed to feel bad after having sex with a MM. Maybe you crave intimacy with another person. We all do. That is human nature and we must embrace that need. I urge you to find another way to achieve that sense of intimacy. It is a terrible feeling to be alone. Go outside today and take a long walk, look out at God's creation and allow yourself to feel the security in that. We can support you, but only you have what it takes to do the right thing. Instead of asking why would a MM keep calling ask why am I answering. What am I getting out of this? How is this benefiting me? What can I do to fulfill this need that I am seeking in a way that won't hurt others? Everyone on this board knows that it is not good for you to be in this relationship. So if we have been harsh please realize that our objective is YOU. We all have seen the bitter reality of life and I believe almost all of us want the best for people in life whoever they are. When you have been to the bottom and clawed your way back to the top, you start to get grey hair! With every grey hair comes wisdom. So HF, what are you going to do with all the 'wisdom' you've received from this board? Imagine yourself as a little old lady sitting on your porch rocking the day away. How will you remember this affair? what would you want to be the defining moments of your life? What do you want your children and your grandchildren to know about you? Start building a new you NOW. It is never too late.

BrokenDreamsX:What do you think she uses the alcohol for?Godspeed, STL

Humblefish,Aren't you getting tired of being used for sex? ...because that's all it is.Have more respect for yourself and do the right thing!

HF, I am glad you post here, because it helps me to try to understand how A's affect all parties. I can see it hurts all who are involved.I have to put in 2 cents... Please end it. MM doesn't have the guts to get off the fence. Do the right thing and push him to the right side. He needs to wake up and go home to his loyal W. Help him wake up.My question to you is how can you keep doing this to a sister? There's a wife that has put in years to her marriage, and wants to make it work. Ifeel like you must think something is wrong with her to have caused her H to seek an A. Of course, she's not perfect, but neither would you be as a W. When you get married, come back and see us in a few years and tell us how easy/hard it is to keep things "wonderful" for your H. I pray that your H will be faithful to you, and that you will never feel the pain as a BS.Thank you for letting me vent a little.

HiDare I show myself in here? - I went out of town for a couple of days (guess I was trying to hide from reality). I just read all your answers to my post and all I can say right now Is that I will not post the way I have anymore. If I do I will try and say something that could ”belong” to the MB site and not about my pain. You are right - I am an OW and I’m not even a WS - so this is not really my place. Had I been the MM you have talked to me differently I believe.I realize that there are so many BS here and perhaps I went too far with my own pain - Yes I know there is a ”gloryweb” - I just never felt at home there. By the way It’s a silly name there is nothing ”glory” about this.Anyway I’ll keep myself in a ”lurking-mood” and try not to inflict more pain then I have. I hope that one day I can say - ”I did it” or I ”got out” or anything similar. It’s harder then you think though. Take care HFPs - Zorweb - I have a lot of respect for you but I have to say that your remark about:”The problem I have now is that her post was not really remorse full, it seems to be an in your face, “look what I did”, type of post. I guess I do not buy the sprinkling of remorse I see there. Actually I see no remorse only some expression of pain. And I do not believe that the pain expressed is based in guilt or remorse. Over time, I am coming to the conclusion that this site is an entertainment for HumbleFish. That she is playing us to her amusement. I could be wrong.”Was WAY out of line!!!!!!!Are you crazy woman??????? - do you really think that I come here for my own made up amusement?????? I’m not here for my entertainment or to play some silly game!!!!! - that remark really hurt!And about ”remorse” - One day I feel it the next day I ignore it simply because it’s to hurtful. I’m not the best person in this world but I do try. You have no idea what it’s like - and if you do - then I appologize but still perhaps we are too different and you are a stronger person then I am. Anyway, hope there are no hard feelings.Ps II - Arik - Thanks!!!!Well I have to add this even thought you will throw bricks at me - It's not all about SEX!!!!! - Geez do you really think that???? - Wake up!!!!!!!!!! - If you are Marriage building then you have to fight this and fight it all the way. If you beleive that It's only about sex then you will have a longer way to go. I'm not saying tha it's the same for everyone but there is a LOT more to an affair then just sex.OK I'll climbe under my stown now.Sorry If I have upset someone again! - It's not my intention!!!!!!

Dear Fish: At first I was appalled by your original post. I thought, "how dare you!" Then I had to ask myself, "Who am I to decide what can, and what cannot be posted?"However, I wholeheartedly agree with the poster who said your post is/was an intentional attempt to bring pain to betrayed spouses and/or amuse yourself.Even the topic "screams" out, "look what WE DID AGAIN!!!!!"If you really wanted help, I believe you would have chosen something more appropriate, such as, "I made a mistake again,"... or "help me, I was weak".Now, granted, I've been wrong before, so if you are serious about your attempt to break contact with MM, I respectfully request that you "tone down" your posts in the future...and consider the emotional state of all parties involved before posting on this forum.Peace, ~Marie --------------------P.S. So sorry for my previously immature, big-mouthed, b!tchy response. I was feeling a bit on edge last night [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

. It's amazing what PMS can do to a normally intelligent, free-spirited woman like myself. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

P.P.S. Thanks, K [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

[This message has been edited by ohmy_marie (edited July 05, 2001).]

My sentiments exactly Marie... Thank you for posting!

{{{Fish}}}:I understand the pain you're in. I understand how hard it is to break an addiction. But you have to break the addiction to this married man.I know it's a great high to be with someone who makes you feel special, but moment passes and you end up feeling worse about yourself.Remember how badly this married man is treating you. You talk of "everything between heaven and earth"...and then he leaves. Is that fair to you?Fish, you've gotten a lot of abuse here on this Marriage Builders site. (Yes, abuse, fellow old-timers. I know you're hurting. I know I hurt. I know the pain I feel when I think of my husband lying with someone like Fish. But ripping Fish's face off isn't going to make my situation any better. Some of you [I'd prefer not to make lists] have given stern, yet thoughtful advice. Others have done nothing but vent at Fish. Enabling isn't the same thing as kindness. I keep hearing how "Christian" this site is, but aren't we supposed to "know you are Christians by your love", to paraphrase a song? <end rant> ) But in addition to the abuse you have also gotten some good advice. You need to move on with your life for you and for yourself alone. Know that out there somewhere is a great man for you. He isn't in another relationship; he doesn't leave your bed for any other person. He isn't going to try to hide the fact that he knows you. That's the person you need to go looking for. Don't settle for Mr. When-It's-Convenient. It's going to be hard because what you have experienced with him has been very special, very unique. But it isn't everything love can be.You deserve to know all that love can be, Fish.You deserve to be loved.You can break this addiction. Brightest blessings to you. I care. --HBC

Isn't there a way they can "ban" her from posting? SHE DOES NOT BELONG HERE. Please, lets NOT acknowlege her disgusting selfish posts. I am sick of her and I would burst her bubble so quick if I knew her.And Marie I agree with everything you said, and I am THE SERVIOUS WS working my A** off to rebuild my marriage. GET HER HUMBLEFISH OUT OF HERE!

struggling27 - I guess my question to you is, "Who died and left you in charge?"...Ignore humblefish's posts if they offend you. If you continue to read them, you are to blame for how they make you feel, not her.

Nice Heartpin. Appreciate that. The point of this is that the site IS called marriage builders, there ARE other sites for that. Someone else back me up here????????????

struggling27:Sorry, no calvary here. In general, although humblefish's posts are "hurtful" to some, you can choose to ignore them. This is a marriagebuilder's site---and one thing we can do to help this marriage is to try to respectfully persuade humblefish to end the affair.Respectful persuasion is a much more reasonable way to go. Besides, you can't whack someone upside the head with a 4x4 over the 'net... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Seriously---if she's upsetting you, don't read the posts.

StrugglingIf you will read throught this thread and the others started based on this one, you will see that your point of view has a lot of support.I for one am torn. If there were any way to convince HF to give up this affair I'd be in here in a minute. But I don't think she's going to do that for a long time. She seems to want to more used and abused some more. She has told us a little about her home life and she herself seems to be an alcoholic. So her threshold for such things is very high. Being needed by anyone sees to have more control over her then it should. HumbleFish, I really wish you would take the advice you have gotten here on how to end your affair and then seek professional help. You need help over and above anything anyone on this site can give you. You are a hurting soul, love yourself first and formost. MyLife

Good Point K and I appreciate your delivery. I guess I just read all of the responses and was frustrated, and a lot of other people said hurtful things, but then I get the nasty post from someone else.Guess I will just keep to lurking since I respond and don't get acknowledged, maybe I am feeling a little insecure. This site has helped me a lot, but I will stop posting so as not to offend.

strugglingNo, no, no. Do not stop posting. We want your input. It is valid. Many of us have to work through our pain here just as you do. This is a good exchange. Just as some feel that people should not jump on HF. They should also no jump on you. Some basic P's and Q's could be learned by all. ML

Thanks ML. Some days are good, and some are not obviously and I just reacted a bit to HF today. I don't wish her any harm, I just wish she could find the support she needs, and this doesn't seem to help her much. BUT, I also need to be the good adult I am and not respond or read posts that make me upset. When I first came in here a few months ago, I was slapped around a bit, but boy did I need it, then I sheepishly came back after not doing all of the things instructed to me to do, but I am here now, stronger than ever and actually feel like I can relate to a lot of people on here. AND I want to help ... and I bruise easy, so I need some tougher skin!! Thanks again. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

struggling:Don't stop posting unless you want to! There's no doubt that if you were trying to convince Humblefish to end the affair, you'd probably need your own counselor just to deal with that frustration.It's highly likely that she'll go away, because I don't see her as someone who's truly trying to wrestle with doing the right thing---she appears to be just looking for some attention. The responses to her posts will dwindle when people get tired of beating their head against the wall---and she'll eventually leave.Don't worry about "Heartpin" (clever---even if it was a typo). DeWayne is probably just concerned that the boards have taken a kind of nasty edge over the last few weeks. A lot of us "oldtimers" see these cycles, and sometimes they just get us down too.

thanks K. like I said, I bruise easy and I have been trying to help others lately after lurking so I am still getting my feet wet (and stomped on every once in a while! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

we are all working towards strength and happiness and I will do all I can to bring that to my marriage and anything I can do to help others. Thanks for coming to my "defense" have a nice night!!

struggling27 - Please accept my apologies for the "tone" of my post. I am at the top of the list of those who don't want you to quit posting. I really do understand your frustration, that's how I feel every time someone gets told to "dump the bum", "would you leave the board...", etc. We have had so many posts over the last year that deal with this issue to no avail.K is right about how I feel about this. Gentle persuasion hasn't been working, so I snapped. Sorry. Didn't know you bruised easily from the tone of your reply. Chastised(only slightly), "Heartpin" P.S. I've been stomped a few times here, too. Ya gotta just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep at it!! How does that old saying go??? "I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." [This message has been edited by Heartpain (edited July 05, 2001).]

Please accept my humble apologies for stirring the pot.I do not want ANYONE to stop posting. I hope that Fish realizes that some of her posts cause pain here and that she learns from the responses she gets. I get the impression that she really doesn't know better. I could be wrong; heavens know I've been wrong before [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

. But this is an addiction, for her as much as for the married man who is seeing her. She needs help--more than this BB can provide, just as we all do. At least she is starting in some fashion to look for it.struggling, I am very sorry to have revived old wounds today. I know that it hurts beyond all measure to be betrayed; I certainly have a lot of experience at it. But pushing Fish away isn't the answer. Sometimes I find I can't talk to anyone without coming across as angry. Those are the days I just avoid responding. I hope that on my "good days" I help. I hope I help more than I hurt; I'm never sure.Blessings, and again my apologies, --HBC

Hi Heartpain [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

and HBC, no worries, today is a new day. I think that sometimes I read this site SO much lately, to keep me moving in the right direction and some things just affect me differently. I wish I had listened to the wise words that everyone here had for me 2.5 months ago. It could have saved H and I a LOT of pain. SO, I do believe that some harsh tones are what is needed at times to help people out of their fog, and to defend the ones who linger in there (the fog) longer than some would like!I hope to gain continued strength through reading this board on a daily basis and giving constructive help when I can relate to a situation.Bottom line is we are all TRYING to move in the right direction, and that is the best part! Heartpain, CONGRATULATIONS on your wonderful post! BEST WISHES to you. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Thanks again for everything ... this has been such a tremendous help to me. -AMM