My wife left me last month and she contacted her first love that she grew up with. She fell back in love with him and moved in with him.

Could anyone please recommend any books or website information that would help me heal my broken heart???

I've been reading how to build a marriage, but right now I need to know how to heal my broken heart.

Thank you!

My wife left me last month and she contacted her first love that she grew up with. She fell back in love with him and moved in with him.

Could anyone please recommend any books or website information that would help me heal my broken heart???

I've been reading how to build a marriage, but right now I need to know how to heal my broken heart.

Thank you!

Welcome User. So sorry you are here, but have found the right place. This is the FIRST AND FOREMOST site you should be on. Pick up Surviving the Affair by Dr. Harley.

Read, read, read as much as you can on this site. Post and ask for help. You will receive MUCH support.

Jer. 29:11

Does the book "Surviving An Affair" have a lot of information about healing a broken heart? To me it seems mostly about reconciling with your spouse.

Time heals a broken heart.

Do you want to save your marriage?

"Time heals a broken heart."

Queenie is correct. But you need to use that time wisely to fully recover. By "wisely" I mean--to understand what happened and to get a plan. A plan for marital and/or personal recovery.

Tell us alittle about yourself.
Length of marriage....kids?
How long was the affair going on?
How did you discover the affair?
Do you want to recover the marrige?

Nerly is asking some really awesome questions. Can you answer them so we can support you..

Did she leave you before meeting with B/f. What did she say was the reason for departure?

Hi User080909

After 1 year, I still have that same question. My heart was destroyed when my husband confessed to a one-night stand. The heartache was unbearable and indescribable but we want to heal our marriage and are working hard at it. The information on this site, the support from members here, the books recommended and many other related books available have helped me tremendously so I no longer suffer constant "heartache" though it does resurface now and again. I am not sure it will ever go away entirely but am hoping. I tend to think this "heartache" is like grieving the death of a loved one. It never goes away, we just learn to live with it.

There is a book you might want to check out by Dr. Paul McKenna & Hugh Wilbourn entitled "How Do You Mend a Broken Heart: Overcome emotional pain at the end of a relationship". I haven't read it yet but plan to even though my husband and I are not ending our relationship. Hope it helps you. Best of luck.

Sure1.

That only comes with time, prayer, and forgiveness. 2 out of 3 of those are probably not possible right now if this is recent. Focus on the prayer.

Put the energy into making yourself a better person. Regardless of the future with her, you'l be better for it.

JCatPeace, thank you.

Great answer Sure1. I am a little over 6 mos. into the same boat as you, but am dealing with an OC from the ONS. SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS! I can definitely say that my heartache has been WORSE than the loss of my father and other close relatives. But, as you stated, I am learning to live with it. Did I mention how bad this sucks?

User, I'm not sure there is a "guidebook" for mending a broken heart. Like the posts above, I think the greatest healer will be time. Hopefully, your WW will want to reconcile and will see the err of her ways thus assisting in the mending of your heart. (If you want to reconcile with WW.)

While SAA is not a book on how to mend a broken heart, it is a manual for how to recover a marriage after infidelity. Since that is where you want to head, it will help.

*moderator error during merge*

User080909

I merged your topic to the SAA forum in order for you to receive the appropriate support.

Sorry for any confusion

Best of Luck.

Thank you all for the replies. I don't want to discuss my relationship in the open. I tried to private message a few people but it says private messaging is disabled. Why is private messaging disabled????

I understand your reluctance. It is very hard to talk about it. I haven't posted much either but the little bit I have has helped. I have read quite a bit and found several situations similar to mine and many have expressed the feelings I am experiencing which helped me realize what I am going through is normal. It all gives me hope that we can recover from this. Some days are quite good and I move forward then some days I fall back. Right now I am just on auto-pilot and I am fervently hoping to feel happiness again... you know that happiness that makes you appreciate everything and everyone around you and makes you feel that life is good? I used to feel like that all the time. Now I am just ambivalent. Guess this isn't one of my better days.

Keep reaching out. Keep trying. I wish you all the best.

Uh, it's a public forum. Not a private chat room.

Everyone here is anonymous behind a pseudo-name. Why is that a barrier to letting us advise you? We can't help if we don't know the facts.

PM's are disabled due to the possiblity of misuse. Posters on the forum are often in a fragile state of mind when they come and may not consider their actions carefully.

Yea, what 'Fred' said...do you think I enjoyed coming here talking about my wife having sex with multiple men in the past, with complete strangers? Well these fine people have been where I am, they have walked in my shoes. They have given me great advise.

You should do the same, IMO.

Since you don't want to talk about your situation on a internet forum, I assume you have not talked to anyone in real life as well..?

You can tell your sitch on here without revealing anything that would tell who you are. I feel comfortable talking about my sitch on here and only reveal vague details with regards to where I live, work, etc. This is the internet and as long as you use precautions with your identity, no one will know who you are. Talking in detail about your sitch will help us help you.

My separated wife is 21 years old and I'm 31 years old. There's a 10 year age gap between us and I'm partly trying to understand her by her age. This is my first marriage, this is her second marriage. We were together for a year and three months, married for four months. She left me a month and a half ago.

My separated wife has fell in love 3 times:
Love #1 - Her first love, she grew up with him. They had the same circle of friends. I believe she met him at age 10 (he's a year or two older than her) and dated him from age 12-16. During that time, he cheated on her a few times (even with her best friend), physically abused her once, and then left her. He damaged her badly. She grew up in Texas and she moved with her parents to Wyoming at age 14. Love #1 moved from Texas to live with her at her parent�s house in Wyoming when she was 15 to 16 years old. How her relationship ended with him was he decided to take a bus back home to Texas and never returned. Love #1 and her would talk over the phone whenever both of their new relationships were going bad (her age from 16-21). She never dated him again because she was badly hurt by him.

Love #2 - She met at age 17 in Wyoming. She married him and had his baby. He became a video game addict and neglected her and their baby. She believed marriage was forever and wanted to make it work. I convinced her otherwise. When she was 19, her marriage was bad. She called her Love #1 on the phone and they spoke about living together and raising their kids. A few months later, she recontacted me and we spoke. She chose to be with me because she was too hurt by what Love #1 did to her in her past.

Love #3 - That's me. I met her, when she was 18, in an online video game. We started speaking over the phone (which lasted a month I think). She had an incredible crush with me. I convinced her to leave her fiance (Love #2) so we could be together. She left him. About a week later, she saw him and decided to be with him again. She completely stopped talking to me. A year went by and she recontacted me, by emails, to be my friend. A week later, we got into an argument, through emails, and she stopped talking to me again. Almost another year goes by and she recontacts me again by email. This time we meet in person, I move in with her in Wyoming and we get married. She labeled me as her new first love. We decide to move to Nevada to live with my parents to help us financially and for a free babysitter. After we moved, both of us became so depressed we forgot who we were. Sometime during the first few months together she told me she still loved Love #1. I told her it was ok and of course it would be hard for her to move on from Love #1 because they grew up together. She agreed. Rarely, she would bring him up in our relationship. She would say how much he hurt her. Well, about 3 times when we got into 3 arguments she said would go back to Love #1 or #2. I told her ok and they would treat her badly because she has a bad temper. Well, our last argument was one of those times. During our last argument, I told her to get her baby because they are going to stay at a hotel tonight and to see how that feels because earlier in our relationship when she told me that, it broke my heart. She had a shocked look and stopped arguing. I stopped arguing too. I thought everything was fine. Her grandmother bought her and her baby a plane ticket to leave in four days to go back to Texas. She packed, we had diner together and I helped her with her things at the airport. During these last few days together, I told her a few times that we should use this time apart to work on ourselves and to better our relationship. She agreed but she said she would need at least a two month break. After she left, the second day I started making changes for the better. She didn�t. Whenever I called her, she said she needed space. So I gave her two more days without talking to her. I called her and she said she was talking with her Love #1 on the phone. I cried and told her to stop talking to him. She told me she was confused, lost, lonely and to give her space. I called her the next day. This time she was telling me a few things she liked about Love #1. I cried and told her to please stop talking to him. She told me that she was tired of everyone telling her what to do and that she needed more space. I sent her a video I made with her favorite happy songs. She really liked it but she said she doesn�t feel anything. I called her the next day. She told me she didn�t love me anymore and she was pissed off. She was angry about everything I did that hurt her. I cried, pleaded for forgiveness and begged her back�she listened and said no. A day or two goes by and I call her to make peace with her. I cried and told her how much I love her and I was sorry. I felt our hearts connect for a few minutes. It was nice. She was busy so I called her that night. She told me she ate a lot, drank alcohol, couldn�t look at herself in the mirror, she felt guilty, and her heart was braking because her baby was losing her father which was me. She told me she would think about everything. I call her the next day and she said she doesn�t love me anymore and she doesn�t feel married to me. I cried and pleaded if she would allow me to get a plane ticket to see right away. She said no because she wouldn�t be strong enough to resist me. For a few days, we exchange short emails about the same thing. Then her and her baby got a plane ticket and moved in with Love #1. A week later, I wrote her an email wanting to be friends and to talk. She replied back via instant messenger and we chatted on there. She basically told me to get lost and never to talk to her again. About three days later, she calls me on the phone asking me to mail her, her W2 form when I get it. By the sound of her voice she hated my guts but she was forced to be polite because she wanted something. I told her I would send it right away. A week later, I send her an email confirming that I mailed her W2 form. I told her what I have been up to, my goals in life, and that I would pay our remaining monthly rent balance until June, if she could take over from there and I sent her a poem of what I liked about her. She didn�t reply back. Another week goes by and I send her another email saying I would payoff the debt we owe, what I have been up to, and I apologized for hurting her and told her she was right: I had a lot to learn about marriage. She replied back and she said thank you, she apologized that she couldn�t make me happy either but we live and learn. She said she is tired of fighting and she wants me to continue with my goals in life. Another week goes by and I write her an email explaining why I said this nasty thing during one of our arguments that hurt her badly. I also told her I understand why she left me and quoted Willard F. Harley Jr in �His Needs Her Needs.� She didn�t reply back. A week later, I wrote her three times, that same day, asking if we could talk about moving on because it would help me a lot, that it bothered me she wasn�t replying back to my emails and if I could call her, and that I can get the point if she isn�t replying back to my emails that she doesn�t want to talk with me so I�ll leave her alone.

I think it�s been two weeks now and we haven�t communicated. It has been a month and a half since she left me. My emotions are a rollercoaster ride. Everyday I get random thoughts of her that hurt my heart. I have dreamt of her almost every night and I when I do, I wakeup hurt. I wonder what she is doing, how she is doing, and how her new relationship is. I wonder if she will ever want to talk with me again; I wonder if she will ever be with me again; I wonder if she will live happily ever after with him.

User,

You might get more people to read this to the end if you break it up into paragraphs 2-3 lines long. I had to give up reading it because it was impossible on my eyes.

Parts of your story do not make sense.

You say at the beginning, "This is my first marriage, this is her second marriage".

You say later on "Love #2 - She met at age 17 in Wyoming. She married him and had his baby. He became a video game addict and neglected her and their baby. She believed marriage was forever and wanted to make it work. I convinced her otherwise. "

Later still, "I convinced her to leave her fiance (Love #2)."

Can you please clarify? Was she married to the child's father?

Love #2 was her fiance at the time when I first met her.
Love #2 are her had a baby, she separated from him to be with me.

This is my first marriage. She married me and made it her second marriage.

Was she legally married to the child's father?

edit

Are you having a laugh, user? You've already posted this identical post, and had replies to it.

bump

Looks like the Karma Bus has arrived on your doorstep.

I wrote:

You replied:

I asked again:

Can you answer my question, please, or is there some reason why you won't?

1. Look at her track record. Excuse me, immaturity is the least of the descriptive words that can be used.
2. You are projecting on her who you want her to be instead of who she is.
3. You are infatuated, which is different from being in love.
4. Age differences.
5. Time and a focus on yourself will help you get over the simply fact that you have been dumped.
6. I know of no way you can get her back. Likely you never really had her. It would appear that you were convenient when she thought she needed someone.
7. Oh, and it would also appear that you were in love with who you thought she was instead of who she really is: immature, self absorbed and flighty.
Larry

I think he is gaming here.

If User080909 can't keep the details of his own story straight how does he expect us to?

Everyone is forgetting the valuable lessen user has learnt.

They cheat with you they will cheat on you.

This is MarriageBuilders, not AffairageBuilders, but for what it's worth:

Maybe it's my traditional upbringing, maybe it's our repressed East Coast mores (LOL) or maybe I've just gotten crotchety since I quit my affair, but do you fully appreciate how messed-up this is? "Sure, c'mon & shack up with my daughter under my roof, it's all good!"

Look, User, it's not your job to rescue her from her bad choices & her parents' bad choices. You've seen the patterns she gets into: She loves, she gets capricious, she strings along her ex-lovers, using them to manipulate her current lover(s), and then she leaves. "Stupid" is knowing this pattern, trying the same thing with her, and expecting it to turn out differently. Her "damsel in distress" act is a crock, and you ought not to be falling for it. Yes, she's got distress in her life, and some of it was inflicted by her upbringing; but she's old enough to be making her own choices, and her current distress is primarily a consequence of those choices. You had no business horning in on her existing relationship(s), so you're getting a little bit of what goes-around, comes-around, sure; but beyond that, it ain't your job to fix her. You never should've tried.

Do what you must to protect your child; but I doubt that'd involve further attempts on your part to salvage this relationship. You're only 31 -- you can still have a family & a life to be proud of. She's a pile of heartache that you don't need.

Personally, if I purchase a broken play toy from Wal-Mart, I take it back for a full refund. From your short description (the man who apparently fell in lurve with her) she has no redeemable qualities. I think a better question to ask yourself is Why the hell would you WANT to reconnect with the woman you describe? (masochism aside, obviously this pattern WILL repeat itself for her in the future, whether with you or another Other Man.) She's defective - get your money back and move on.


This, in your case, is awesome advice.

Affairs are a dirty, disgusting act. You married your affair partner. Man up, deal with the consequences of what you did, wish her well with her probably "not too bad before you came along" relationship and grow up. Then be a man and NEVER contact her FOR ANY REASON again. (You can have somebody else contact her with the divorce papers that you owe her.)

Addendum: (If this is real) Stick to one thread - You get better and more consistent advice.

SugarCane, the answer is yes.

edit

I should of wrote better, but I don't want to get into a lot of detail. I appreciate all the feedback!

Edit

Thread starter asked that his threads be combined.

Sorry for any confusion due to the merge.

I've been avoiding all Love Busters the few times my ex and I communicated because I want the option of her coming back to me to reconcile.

Her and I have flaws. Maybe her more than me lol. I want to give her time to age because I love her.

I am confused. You stated that she was engaged and you talked her out of it, then you confirmed Sugar's question asking if she was legally married to the childs father. Are they different people? I may be missing something, maybe I should go back and read it again.

Anyway, I have a question. You said that there is a 10 yr age, she is 21 and you 31. You said you were together 1 yr 4 months. So that would make her around 20 when you met. You later posted that you met her when she was 18. Not sure why but I am concerned that she may have been younger, or the age gap a little bigger even. I am sorry if this is incorrect but you will get more help with total honesty.

Either way if she was 18 and you 28, in my opinion, this is almost like living on two different planets. There is going to be immaturity on her part although, I hate to say this...you may be a bit immature yourself. Sorry but I guess I am getting that impression from the fact that you met your wife on video games. I don't want to dj you, I just know some grown men w/ bad video game habits...they come across as a bit immature. This may not be the case with you.


Please clarify the ages when you met and if your wife was married previously. I am wondering if you meant that you broke up the marriage, not the engagement.

At 21, she has a lot of growing up to do. If she was married prior to meeting you and already had a child, that is a lot. Just seems that she had a hard life and has been through a lot at a young age. She may be rebelling now, trying to claim the freedom that she didn't have. Thats just a guess...

Do you know if she was ever abused?

"Love #1 moved from Texas to live with her at her parent�s house in Wyoming when she was 15 to 16 years old."


Wow. The more I read, I get the feeling that this woman may need to work on self before her marriage. If she was 15 and living w/ a man (he must have been older to just get up and leave the state on his own) something tells me her home life may have been anything but ideal. She may need some serious therapy before considering this marriage.

Man, she's a person, not a cheese. Some folks don't get better with age.

Sometimes the "cheese" just gets more moldy!

GloveOil, you're hilarious! I like you.

Happy__Lovers, she was physically assaulted once by her Love #1.
Her parents are alcoholics. After work everyday, they drink alcohol. Her home life has been hard. I believe Love #1 became her father when she was growing up.

_Larry_, GloveOil, Skald, Happy__Lovers:

Thank you for your feedback! I have been thinking a lot in a different way because of it. Thank you!

I got an email from my ex today. She wants a divorce, and she wants to know if we can handle it peacefully. I told her I need some time before I talk with her about it. She said ok.

I don't understand. If she's your ex, how come she wants a divorce?

Fred_in_VA, she's my wayward wife. I'm sorry for the confusion.

I have a question for everyone:
Why is it good and/or bad to try to fix someone?

User,

One thing I don't like to read on this board is when the members recommend divorce. This is a marriage building forum, not a divorce forum. We should try to support those who want to save their M as much as possible, unless it is so obvious that it would be near impossible.

User, this is one such case. That is one messed up girl. Granted she has had a broken life, but she is nowhere near ready to commit to one person. She changes from one man to the next like they are video games, playing one game a little bit until she gets a little bored, then ejects it and places the new one in for a while.

Let her go. She is bad news. There is WAY too much baggage. Your chances for recovery are next to nil with this girl. You need to heel your broken heart for a while. Then go outside and meet people in person, not over the internet or on video games. Work on yourself, and then go out and meet someone who wants to be in a committed R with YOU, not your video game character.

I am sorry for your sitch, but you are young with a whole life ahead of you. Just not with this girl.

It's bad because you CANNOT fix someone. You can only fix yourself.

Have you ever tried to teach a pig to sing?

It doesn't work, and it only irritates the pig.