I've been married to my husband for almost 8 months now. Not a long time. I'm already starting up again with cheating. I haven't had sex with anyone outside of my marriage, but other things have happened. I want it to stop and I need some advice. Please help.

You need to stop and stop now. Find a counselor you can go to and get some help. If necessary find a safe, trusted friend that can hold you accountable. Whatever you do don't continue in your actions unless you want to face a lot of hurt and guilt.

Thank you for the advice. I know that I need help. In fact, I've known for awhile. I guess I've been trying to get an understanding of why I do and think the things I do. I don't understand and wish I could. Everything I ever wanted and needed is in my husband and I want to be with him forever. I cannot continue like this. It isn't fair to him and it isn't right with God. Yet knowing these things, I don't stop. Why? I just want to know why. ):

One more question...how do I go through counseling without my husband finding out? He's going to wonder why I'm seeing a counselor.

and he should know exactly why you are going to counseling for a number of reasons.
- to hold you accountable to someone
- to show your h that you can be honest
- to show your h you want to make the marriage better

Don't hide that you are going to a counselor. Tell him you need to go to a counselor to deal with some emotional issues and they are too much for you to discuss with him until you have been through some counseling. That right now you are not sure how to even talk about what is going on until you can sort it out with a counselor. I think it's a fair and honest statement and that is all he needs to know for now.

At some point in counseling you will probably want to discuss with him your problem. I know right now that seems taboo, but it's something you will eventually want to do. It's only fair to him and it will lift a burden off of you.

Does that help any?

Thank you so much for your responses. I really don't want my husband to know why I'm going to counseling because I don't feel that it is his problem, but mine alone. He is not the reason this is happening (as it has happened in many past relationships). So thank you, and I have scheduled myself an appointment with a marriage counselor. The appointment is not until July 5th so I'll have to hang out here for awhile until then.

Is there anything I can do to keep my mind off of bad things and to avoid certain behavior? Are there affirmations I can say to myself? I've been telling myself that it's an "addiction" and to "walk away" and that's saved me in some situations. I have prayed, but maybe not hard enough. I'm so desperate to stop this.

Thank you again. I'm so glad I found this place. At first I thought I wouldn't be welcome as the "bad guy." I really hate who I am sometimes. This isn't me and it isn't who I want to be. So I have to change. <===I think I will make that my signature. (=

I really don't want my husband to know why I'm going to counseling
So only eight months after the marriage begins, it's okay to keep things from your spouse?
No one ever said this (or marriage in general) would be easy. But keeping things from your spouse (ESPECIALLY stuff like this) is almost a 100% guarantee your marriage will fail at some point.

because I don't feel that it is his problem, but mine alone
Of course it is his problem for two big reasons:
- you are his wife and his problems are yours & vice-versa.
- you are doing this to him

Is there anything I can do to keep my mind off of bad things and to avoid certain behavior?
Yes. The biggest way to keep your mind off it is to tell your husband. Let him help you.

I've been telling myself that it's an "addiction" and to "walk away" and that's saved me in some situations. I have prayed, but maybe not hard enough. I'm so desperate to stop this.
But as you have demonstrated, even marriage is not enough to save you from your behaviors, especially if you are not willing to trust your husband.

Now I'm not suggesting you simply blurt it out to him. Talk with your counselor and ask the best way to approach your h about it.
And if your marriage counselor even suggest he does not need to know, you need to get another counselor.

Thank you Chris. We do have a good marriage. He trusts me and I trust him. But he trusts me more than he should I guess. The thought of talking to him about this makes me sick to my stomach. He would surely leave me and I absolutely CANNOT risk that. My husband has no tolerance for cheating whatsoever and would never understand. I can do this myself. Telling him is not worth the risk. If I tell him, there will be a 100% chance of my marriage failing.

The thought of talking to him about this makes me sick to my stomach.
But how did you feel when you were doing it?
When you wrote, "sex' did you mean only intercourse did not happen but there have been other sexual things? (we don't need a description)

He would surely leave me and I absolutely CANNOT risk that.
Famous last words spoken by far too many.
Which is why I suggest you talk with a counselor about the best way to approach it with him.

If I tell him, there will be a 100% chance of my marriage failing.
So you don't really trust your husband? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I say very doubtful the marriage would fail, especially if you fess up now, before it gets worse.
Yes, it will be a bump in the road but better than a train wreck...

How about if I said I had 40 affairs because I couldn't stop and my wife is still with me. It's all because I went to get help and was serious about working on my problem. I am sure if your husband knows you are serious about getting to the bottom of your problem he will understand. It is why I said tell him you are going to counseling and then go from them as to what will happen next.

But how did you feel when you were doing it?
When you wrote, "sex' did you mean only intercourse did not happen but there have been other sexual things?

How did I feel while I was with someone else? Special. Afterwards? Disgusted. As to the second question, sex is intercourse to me. I have not had sex with anyone outside of my marriage.

Which is why I suggest you talk with a counselor about the best way to approach it with him.

Will do.

So you don't really trust your husband? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I trust my husband completely and I know him very well. I trust him with everything except this.


I will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to make this marriage last forever. It will not fail.

I would say that your wife is an extremely strong, compassionate and forgiving woman. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I definitely had a sexual addiction that got triggered by a high level of anxiety during a set of family problems. And once it got set into motion I couldn't stop. And when it all came crashing down I knew I needed help and took 100% responsibility for my problem and went and got the help I needed. While I wanted my wife to stay, I needed to fix me first and that was most important to our relationship. She saw how determined I was, and how I accepted responsibility for what I had done and while she was hurt, devastated, wounded and any other word you can think of to throw in there, she realized I had a problem I was willing to work on my problem and remain accountable.

Art, how did you know your wife wasn't going to leave you when you told her?

You all are so kind to help me. I will definitely take all your advice in.

You don't know. I went to counseling for a while before I disclosed everything to my wife. She knew there was probably an affair I was going to tell her about, but she had no idea of the magnitude of the problem. She had thought maybe I was having an emotional affair, I was chatting online, all those kinds of things and then I hit her with 40 affairs, 18 of them physical, pornography, visits to strip clubs, etc, etc.... So I sat there scared half to death, very humble, just wondering what was going to happen.

Having a counselor there helps because then he reassures the spouse you are progressing, you have a hold of the problem, that divorce is not the best option, that there are no guarantees in life and future marriages may be no better.

Now one other thing the counselor told me, at least over 80% of spouses remain married after disclosure of an affair in counseling. That gave me high hopes too.

But the real question is, do you want to live life as a lie or life honestly?

The latter, of course. At this point (before counseling), there is no way that I can be honest about this. I will wait to hear what the counselor tells me. Until then...I will keep praying. It is my birthday tomorrow and so I'm going out tonight. I will try my best to stay strong and not get into trouble.

1 day behavior free

You know more than likely you some emotional needs you are trying to meet and that's why it's good to talk to a counselor. I found I had issues from the past that affected me emotionally. And once I realized how they impacted me I could deal with them. Plus I realized anxiety was a big trigger for me. I dealt with my anxiety by looking for women who would talk with my about my problems and then I would find the best time to talk was after the intimate times. Hence the sex addiction, really had nothing to do with sex, it was just the hurdle I had to jump to get to where I really wanted to be.

I kind of have a feeling that I know what this is about, but I'm not sure. It's something that I haven't wanted to deal with in past counseling. I have had issues with anxiety, depression, alcoholism, some drugs, and most recently anorexia. I'm currently recovering from anorexia that stemmed from my childhood. My dad and I weren't very close. He was an extremely depressed alcoholic with extreme mood swings that scared me. My sisters and I were verbally and emotionally abused. I, the middle child, was very sensitive to everything. I wanted so bad to be close to my dad but I was scared of him.

We did the whole counseling thing and nothing seemed to come out of it. A few months later I was inpatient for my anorexia. Released after a month, things went further and further down. I got extremely depressed (suicidal), got drunk 7 nights a week, did cocaine whenever it was available, and starved myself more and more.

Then I met my husband...the man I've waited for my entire life. It was an amazing feeling and kind of scarey. Our feelings for each other were quickly revealed and we moved in together after about a month. We continued living together for a year until we got married last October, after I had a brief "fling" with another man. I know why I married my husband but I also know why I was in a hurry. It was because I didn't want to have feelings for this other man. I wanted to stop the repeating pattern of cheating. I knew all along that my husband was the one for me (since the day we met). I did not make a mistake marrying him. My mistake was marrying partly for the reason to fix this. It obviously did not work.

So that's my story in a nutshell. I

I'm not an expert, but I have listened to enough people with similar problems that I can give you some insight about yourself.

First, there isn't anyone who doesn't want to be close to their dad. I grew up without, yet I would have loved to have had a dad in my life. You had a dad with problems who didn't know how to show love in the right way and unfortunately you grew up not knowing how to respond in the right way. Children in those situations are hurt emotionally and it carries forward into adulthood unless they stop to work through the issues. It's a good time to get counseling and you can tell your husband this is what you are going for to deal with these past hurts and it will make you a better wife.

Next, if you dad was an alcoholic and you have dealt with alcohol and drugs that means you may be prone to addictive behavior. Anorexia, drugs, alcohol, affairs can be forms of an addiction.

You are searching to recover the love you didn't get as a child, the only problem is you didn't learn what that love should look like and so you will never find it. Except it's probably there at home and you just can't see it for all the past hurts that are covering it up.

And when you said you married partly for the reason to fix this.....welcome to the club, most people with the same problem says the same thing. They have hopes a marriage will solve the problem, but it doesn't. You have to work on solving the problem with some counseling. And you can do it. I did.....hey and I feel better than I have in years.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I know. I know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

The good part is you do know he cares about you. I also noticed you said you are from a Christian faith and so there is someone else who cares about you too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Is there anything I can do between now and my counseling appointment (July 5) to keep me out of trouble?

secret:

You should get yourself a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley and available from the home page (though I found it pretty easily in a local bookstore). At this stage, it's probably better for your H 2 find you reading THAT than "Surviving An Affair", though that book deals with infidelity - including the kind you're involved in - in much greater detail.

HNHN is a good outline form with a broader focus on building a healthy marriage.

I agree with Chris, if your counselor does NOT advocate telling your H about your problems, you should immediately find another counselor. Consider marriage coaching by one of the Harleys (again, you can find them on the home page). They are costly, but they do phone counseling, and are very efficient at it. In the long haul, they're a bargain when you consider the alternatives - slogging through this alone, possibly being miserable for an extended period of time, possibly divorced.

I sincerely hope your definition of "sex" isn't similar 2 our former president's definition. In any case, any kind of romantic physical contact with someone other than your H is inappropriate, whether you define it as "sexual" or not.

best,
-ol' 2long

I just don't understand why my husband needs to know. He will surely leave me. I have a better chance at keeping this marriage together if I keep my mouth shut.


For the record, I have not had any type of sex with any person outside of my marriage. Things have happened that have almost led up to sex (I don't want to go into specifics) but it has never happened....yet. That is why I am here. I have come too close. I am afraid to even go outside my home anymore. Though I have not had any type of sex outside my marriage, I still consider what I have done cheating.

You ARE going out with your husband, correct?
You are NOT going out with girlfriends to places where you know and possibly have in the past gotten into "trouble", correct?

Hi Secret.

You say you've suffered from Anorexia, as well as a host of other addicitons. . .

Are you totally free from it?

I've been on that road, too, Hon, and it sucks. 13 years of sucks, LOL, though I have not had a bout with Bulimia in 10 at least. Anorexia, and the need to be "good enough" is an incredibly strong pull for some people (me included) and I am ashamed to admit I still struggle with it to a point where I am either way thin, or overweight in my efforts. Where are you in your Recovery from your Eating Disorder?

Although I was fortunate to not have many of the other addicitons accompanying my Ana, in group therapy I learned that for most people other addicitions was standard fare. Alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex (in the form of affairs or one night stands), compulsive spending, etc are all pretty common. Seems like Affairs are still your weakness. Have you conquered the others you were plagued with?

I am inclined to agree with TRA here and say that your situation is somewhat different from most Affair scenerios here, in that your affair is not necessarily a symptom of something else going on in your marriage (needs not being met, etc) but unresolved issues on your part. Does this sound right, and make sense?

As for affirmations and such to help "keep you straight" before your appt. . . I don't know of any MB ones. Most of the affirmations I recall were for addiciton situations (and which you too are probably familiar with, if you were hospitalized with Ana and fed the typical 12-step stuff I was), which isn't as common as you'd think on this board. But I will give you a personal one of mine, that I meditate on and helps me thru the day when my Demons are nipping & biting. . .


[color:"purple"] I believe that I am always divinely guided,
I believe that I will always take the right turn in the road,
I believe that God will make a way where there [b]is no way.[/color][/b]


I don't recall where I had heard that but it has helped me on more than a few occassions.


You can do this, Secret. Hold tight and check in with us when you are feeling weak. . . we can keep you accountable!


StillLovingHim

Things to keep you out of trouble:

Avoid places where you know you have previously been tempted.

Don't allow yourself to be in situations alone with men.

Try to understand what feelings drive you to seeking out someone and when those feelings are present call a friend to call about the feelings.

Have a backup plan for those moments of weakness, like calling a friend, calling the husband, something that will keep you accountable.

Pray about your problems and ask for peace about them.




Those are some that you can start with.

Here is a web resource you can take a look at. It's a web site http://www.celebraterecovery.com which is a Christian based addiction program hosted at churched for various additions, not just a single one. It might be something worth looking at. It includes food additions, drug addictions, etc.....

My husband doesn't drink and has no interest in going to the bars. I have no girlfriends. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I have gained 10 pounds since my lowest and am nearing my healthy weight. I still take diet pills and watch what I eat. But for the most part, I think I'm pretty far in recovery considering where I've been.


Yes that does make sense...a lot of sense. Thank you.


I will write these down. Thank you so much. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

When you call a "friend" for help, it needs to be a female friend.

Wow. Thank you so much. I think I'm going to print off this entire thread. I need as much help as I can get. I think I will go some place different tonight. And if temptation strikes, I will leave. I will.

Unfortunately, I have no friends.

Can I ask why do you feel that you have no friends?

I've never really be a "friends" kind of person. I've always been a very independent person in that regard. My only friend is my husband, and he is my BEST friend.

So I made some progress today....I burned that guy's phone number. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hello,

Clearly you love your husband although I find it strange that you don't plan to spend the evening of your birthday with your husband. Maybe the next time you have the urge to do something bad maybe you should ask yourself the following:
How would I feel if my husband was doing to me what I am doing to him? Your husband loves and respects you and made a commitment to you and married you. Why would you wish to disrespect and humiliate a man and a husband who loves you so much? Again how would you feel if your husband was doing these things to you? Please think about these questions when you feel weak. Do you wish your husband to leave the marriage and find someone else? If you do then continue what you are doing and it will surely happen. The choice is yours. I wish you luck.

I am going out tonight and spending tomorrow (my birthday) with my husband. I know what I've done is wrong and I'm trying to fix it. Do I want my husband to hurt? Do I want to humiliate and disrespect him? Most of all, do I want to breach the vow I made to God? ABSOLUTELY NOT. I am here and have made an appointment with a counselor because I care. Because I love him so much. Because he doesn't deserve this.

Hey, I'm proud of you for burning the number! I use to have emails with numbers that I would delete, restore, delete, restore...you get the picture.

I needed to see your answer on friends because I suspected you would say what you did. It tends to be a common answer when people are dealing with this type of issue.

I know what you're thinking...and you're probably right. I can get away with more when I don't have any friends. So true. How ugly I am.

"I know what you're thinking...and you're probably right. I can get away with more when I don't have any friends. So true. How ugly I am."

No, no, no.......it's not that, a sexual addiction, or a relationship addiction, or a love addition, whatever yours might be is an intimacy disorder. And with an intimacy disorder it would mean you might never really create real relationships with people that develop into long term friendships. So instead you find yourself as someone who feels independent and can be by themselves.

True, as well.

See, I can talk about myself all day long. It's how I know all these things.

You are all very insightful. I thank you so much for your kindness and advice. I am going to beat this once and for all.

I found this story, which talks about a womans struggle, I thought you might find it interesting.


Sexual Addiction: A Woman's View

Author Anonymous
Reprinted from Pastoral Psychology, Vol. 39, No. 4, 1991

Ten years ago my life appeared to be perfect. I had graduated with honors from a prestigious divinity school. I had responsibilities and respect in my denomination and in the churches that I served. My family was proud. I had married the right man. I was impeccably dressed. I had done all the right things.

It was baffling to me that soon I was feeling dread and resistance for my work. Each day was harder to face than the one before. The better things looked the more troubled I became. I worked more and more for the church and I felt more and more a fraud every day. In return for my devotion to the church, I had looked for my needs to be met. My needs were not met. No one noticed or cared or came to me. In my loneliness and fear, I began to live a double life.

There was this perfect life where I was professional and everyone’s little darling. The side that pleased parents and married the son they never had. The side that had never rocked the boat. The side that appeared mature beyond her years.

The other life was lived in secrecy and shame. I vowed each day to face my husband and work and fulfill my duties. By 10:30 most mornings I had spoken to my “mentor” by phone and agreed to “just lunch.” I would return many hours later feeling ashamed and desperate. Often we would engage in sexual activity. Many weeks we spent 40 to 50 hours together. I thrived on the intensity and the attention. I felt bad and dirty, yet I told a therapist, “This man is why I get up every day.”

One side of my life is built on the dreams of other people. The other is filled with shame and deceit. I was living a double life, but it was all a lie. I felt emotionally homeless and eternally exhausted. Every part of my life suffered. No one seemed to notice and in two years I received a promotion.

Let me say something here about my addiction. This is not about right and wrong – this is not about moral breakdown. I never once approved of my behavior. This is about life and death. The only way I could live another day was to be in an inappropriate sexual relationship. Long before I was sexually addicted, I had learned to care for the needs and wants of others, but never my own. The only way I new to live with this perfect life was to have my needs met in a hidden and shameful way. My addiction was destructive to my health and my marriage and to my career. My addiction gave me many dreadful days. It also kept my heart beating until I found recovery.

There came a time when the price of this double life became too high. I had too many responsibilities, too much guilt and loneliness, I couldn’t go on. I wanted out. Out of my job and my marriage. I wanted out of this other relationship. I wanted my own life. But, you see, addicted people cannot make good decisions about how to get what they need and want. I did get all I wanted by having an affair with a man in my church. While this method proved to be very efficient, only an addicted person could reason that this is a good way out of a painful life.

This affair quickly became public. Because the relationship was mutual, I did not feel responsible. I was never confronted with breaking the sacred boundary between a priest and a lay person. I was simply asked to take a leave of absence from the ministry and all this was swept under the rug. There was the usual gossip and speculation, but for three years I heard nothing from my church or any of my clergy friends. Basically the message was: go fix this. I continued the affair for almost a year because it was all I had left. My marriage and family and church were gone. Their silence was a way of punishing me for my wrong. But mainly they just didn’t know what to do or say. When, like I did, a professional violates the sacred boundary, he or she is in deep personal crisis. When a priest risks family and life’s work and financial security for a sexual encounter, it is a cry for help. Hand-slapping, moralizing, and ignoring may seem to be in order. They are in essence like correcting the grammar on your teenager’s suicide note. Listen to the desperation that is behind the action.

After several years I returned to the ministry. Before this could happen, I was interviewed by a committee of peers. Near the end of the hour it was I who brought up the relationship I had had with the man in my church. I knew that no one would mention the affair. I also strongly felt that this committee would have seen me as evasive and dishonest for what they could not bring themselves to say. I am sure that I would not have been allowed back into the parish if I had not opened the door for the incident to be explored. My open acknowledgement of the affair seemed to satisfy them. No questions were asked. Of course it has never been the same. This is not healed or forgotten. Not even time can heal that which is kept from the light of day. I often see disapproval in the eyes of my community. Sometimes it is really there – sometimes it is my own unfinished guilt.

Long after I returned to my parish work, my life still did not work. I lived like a victim – guilty and deserving of punishment. I had painful relationships and little success. I was not getting on with my life. In a stormy effort to get a family member into 12-step recovery, I found that for myself. Recovery has done for me what time and religion and therapy could not do. I have begun to heal and have hope for the future. For the first time in many years I have a life.

Recovery has helped me to see that the roots of sexual addiction are in early childhood experiences. Long before my mother sat me down to talk about the “facts of life” I had already formed my view of sex. At a very young age I got the strong message that sex is not OK – sex is bad – you must not do this or you will be punished. I grew up believing that if I were not a sexual person I would be good. To me sex was the only sin. Twice in my life I made attempts not to be sexual anymore. The first time was during a period of anorexia. At 90 pounds I looked more like a ten year old child than a 19 year old woman. Part of anorexia was an attempt to return to a time before I looked and felt like a woman. The second attempt, ironically, was when I married. My husband was more a brother than a lover and we had never been sexually intimate. I knew that sex would not be part of our marriage. I believed that sexuality was a choice, that I could decide to turn it on or off. I did not see sexuality as a God-given part of me. Everything about my sexuality was immoderate. Like that fear-filled child, I still believed that sex would bring on shame and punishment. Now I know that sexuality is a given – I only decide how and when that will be expressed. Looking back to early experiences is not about assigning blame. It is not about justifying any behavior. This is about looking back at parental attitudes and behaviors and making new decisions about my reaction. As a recovering adult I can choose not to accept my parents’ fear and shame about sex. I can decide that sexuality is a good and meaningful part of life. I am no longer trapped by my dysfunctional family life. I no longer see inappropriate sexual relationships as an answer. Nor do I see pleasing and caring for others as my first responsibility.

One of the greatest gifts of my recovery is a more healthy spirituality. For years I feared trusting God because I did not want to give up my true self. Trusting God might mean that I had to give up my addiction and have to live with nothing. Soon after beginning recovery I realized that trusting God and being my truest best self were the same thing. Every day I want more and more to be the precious, unique, creative person God made me to be. No parents to please, no people to impress, no image to maintain. I trust that ultimately being true to myself will also be the best thing for the people I love. I have let go of years of pain and guilt and responsibilities that were not my own. Through friends in recovery I have gained the courage to take care of my needs and wants in healthy ways. I am no longer in constant distress over my life’s direction. My higher Power once turned the sea into dry land so that some frightened people might find safety – a way was made for them. My God is making a way for me to get where I need to be. When painful times come, I am learning to ask, “What is the lesson – what could I learn from being in this mess?” I no longer see pain as my punishment, but as a necessary teacher.

In the years before my recovery I hurt a lot of people that I cared about. I have many amends to make. The greatest amend I owe is to myself. No one received more abuse, criticism, neglect, or punishment than my precious inner self. Being an ordained minister gave me a license to practice my codependent lifestyle. I had always been rewarded and respected for neglecting myself and for pleasing others. I now find a new level of respect and love from my recovering friends and from my other friends and family. As I have let go of old hurts and dependencies I have been gifted with new friends, and two very precious friendships have been restored to me.

Being a recovering person is my top priority and my greatest asset for being in ministry. My life was unmanageable for many reasons, and in many ways. Recovery has given me many unexpected gifts and strengths. I finally have begun to heal from the guilt and shame of my behavior, just when I had resigned myself to living with that the rest of my life. Through the Serenity Prayer I have discovered that one thing I cannot change is my past. It is done. What I can change is my attitude about my past, and the way that affects my future. I can see my story as a light to others who have lost their way. An important part of my own recovery is to say to others, “This is where I found Hope and a new life.”

I am in tears. This article really struck a chord.


Exactly.



Yes.


Yes.


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I didn't mean to make you cry. I just wanted you to know others had struggled with the same issues and they have mangaged to overcome them. I got that particular article off of a website called http://www.faithfulandtrueministries.com/

Mark Laaser who runs Faithful and True ministries was a pastor who has a sexual addiction. He has dedicated his life to helping men and women overcoming this problem. And I just happen to be one of the men that one of the counselors he trained reached.

Art...you have helped me immensely already in the short time I have been to this site. Thank you a thousand times.

You see the quote at the top taken from the story you read. My life looked good, and perfect to some from the outside, and even looked good to my wife at times, but I was a mess on the inside. But now I would like to think I can use my life, my story, and help others. It is an important part of my recovery and it's where I find hope.

And you know what, I want you to find that same hope and I know you can. The right counseling, a willingness to open up and just step back through time and let those emotions be healed.

I was told this once, you can't go back and change all the hurts of the past. But Christ is beyond time and can go back in the past to heal those old wounds. Tell Him you want to leave those hurts and pains with Him at the cross and the next time you are reminded of them, think of Him at the cross and remember those pains and hurts are there with Him.

*smiles*

You are an angel.

Yeah, but I use to be a devil.

If I don't get a chance to post a message tomorrow, Happy Birthday. I hope all your wishes come true.

God bless you and I'll keep you in my prayers.

Thank you.

Hi secret... I am not a qualified person. Hell just 1 week ago I got officially diagnosed as a sex addict. Since then I realized how big this really is. I had for about 1 month and a half thought of this as a posibility, but even then, I though, well if anything, at least I will go to a few meetings and then be cured. I really want to be cured of this, but it takes work, time, and a lot of learning. You have to learn a lot about yourself. A LOT THAT YOU HAVE KEPT SECRET FROM EVERYONE, AND SOMETIMES EVEN FROM YOURSELF. I dont know what that might be, but if you are even 1% like me, everything that brings me the shame is related to my addiction. And that shame thrives in the secrecy, because it isolates you and causes you to feel ashamed and therefore you feel the urge to get involved in the things "that you deserve", which happen to bring you shame later on. Is a vicious circle.

I have read in 1 week so much that I feel my emotions change sometimes 2x a day in regards to my situation. I am very depressed with all the problem in itself, and add to that all the problems I caused to the one I love. And all the ones I will cause once I open up the extent of this. So I am very afraid and nervous. But I am going to hang on,. close my eyes and curse at the storm until its over. Talk to your counselor... seek a sexual addicts anonymous group in your area, they have great literature. Last week the one near me was bragging about their new book about sex addiction. When the group started reading from the book, not even past the second paragraph in the PREFACE (not even chapter 1 darnit), I was almost down on my knees. That was me right there... When we all shared our thoughts about what we read, I learned, everyone there was the SAME... just their addictions of choice were different, but they had the same problems. They also had the same goal. And the path to recovery is similar. You are not alone.

I am not sure of your problems and what triggers you, but I read this book (online free) called "He danced alone". Is sexual addiction thru the eyes of the addict. Is very explicit (he spared no details about his problem), but then, the way you see yourself (and I myself) is probably not sugar coated. You will think that the book is a mess of rambling... but no, is the mess of a life who didnt knew it had a problem until he said no more... those "ramblings" were exactly his life... the only life he knew because he got sucked in by it. I havent finished reading it, but I will tonight.

Hang in there.
Wish you well.

"shame thrives in the secrecy"

I'll agree with coldwater on this statement made above. An addictive cycle is kept in it's cycle partly due to the shame and emotions that are felt. When we keep these a secret it just builds up shame within us and helps the addictive cycle to repeat.

Speaking of shame, there is two ways to look at shame. Shame can with make you feel that you are bad, horrible person, or you can learn from it realize it's the actions that are bad and you just can't go back to the places where you repeat actions.

My birthday went well. Nothing bad happened. I went out by myself on Thursday night. There was some temptation but I resisted. My husband took me to a museum on my birthday. We had a good time. We spent the rest of the weekend together.

Tell me the details of the temptation and the feelings that went with it. I would like to know about how you are tempted and what you are feeling at the time. Sometimes that is important in understanding how to deal with those temptations.

And I'm glad you had a happy birthday.

My temptation is easy. I'm attracted to anything that is attractive. I flirt, seduce, play, etc. When I "lose" the game, I feel inadequate and like a complete failure. When I "win", I feel superior, powerful and special. I feed off of any attention I can get.

I'll explain the addition cycle then I'll tell you why I asked. It goes like this,

It always starts with some unmet emotion as the underlying cause of the addition, so that is the base.

Then you have the cycle.

1. Trigger
2. Ritual
3. Act of addiction
4. Remorse
Then back to the trigger

The trigger is always something that sets the addiction in cycle, which for you sounds like seeing someone who is attractive. So the hard part is avoiding anyone attractive, the you can't sprint the trigger.

The next part is the ritual, which is where the person starts heading towards the addicting. For you that would be the seduction, the play, etc. In the ritual phase it becomes very difficult to stop the addiction process unless something interrupts it. Left alone the addiction would complete.

The act of addiction is acting out, or doing what the addict is after. In other words they get what they want.

Then they feel remorse or guilt over what they did, which then redrives those base emotions resetting them again for the next trigger that comes along.

So, what you have to do is stand guard over your feelings, that is the best place to guard against the addiction. The second place is watch out for triggers and know what they are and avoid them or at least safe guard against them. That is your second best place to keep away from an addiction.

By the time you are in the ritual or the acting out....it's tough to pull.

I did get into the "ritual" phase. Luckily, the guy was gay. Whew. When I go out I mostly keep to gay bars because there is not a lot of temptation there. I mean, there is some temptation, but the chances of something happening is unlikely because, well, they're all gay.

It would be very hard to stop the "attractiveness" trigger because there are so many attractive men. Do I need to wear a blindfold when I go out? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ok, explore the thought then why attractive men. I know that sounds like a simple question, but why attractive men? What is it about them that makes them a trigger for you? I'm guessing they are the only one's you try to seduce and play? Is it a game of conquest? A challenge? Does it make you feel powerful? What are your feelings?

It is a challenge and it does make me feel powerful. That is exactly it.

So, you know how counselors work, the next thing they ask is why are you looking for that feeling? Obviously that feeling of having power over men is significant. Being able to make the conquest and win it says something to you.

Do you have any clue?

Yes, I do. I have a feeling. It is the same reason I was hospitalized with anorexia and still continue to struggle. It is my dad. The thing is, I have been through counseling for years trying to get through this issue and nothing has ever been resolved. We even had family counseling with my mom and dad. Nothing will ever satisfy this void. The attention and love I never got from my dad I look for in other people. I thrive on it. I know. I've always known.

I saw this child who was scared of her father and didn't know how to control him during those moments when she was afraid of him. So in your addictions you have control of you. In your addiction you seek control of others and to have power over them.

Think about these things, you father had problems just like you have problems. He was unable to fully cope with life and therefore was unable to fully give to you the things he needed to give. Had he been a full and healthy person, maybe he could have given you what you needed, but he wasn't. So what do you, you either hold on to the bad memories or realize he did the best he probably could and let go.

Next thing to think about, you said you are trying to fill a void. You can't fill it, but since you said you are of a Christian faith I will say Christ can. I had to relearn that Christ can meet my every need. I knew it, but somewhere I forgot it. Actually, I ignored it because I was angry at life. Christ can take that void where you felt unloved and fill it with all the love you will ever need. There is no one who loves you more than He does. He died for you, He watches over you, He comforts you, and He grieves with you. He knows your pain.

So the father you wanted, he couldn't help how he was. You can ask God to help you understand his problems and find understanding and forgiveness for them. And then allow God to be the Father to you that you needed. And let Christ fill those voids and share your pain. It is what He is there for.

I'm praying that God will take away your pain and help you through all of this. And that He will fill your void with the love of His son.

I know you will overcome all of this and become a strong testimony to others.....

I've prayed for so long but nothing seems to get any better. My dad has gotten better. He at least talks to me like I'm a human being now. He tries to hug me, but it makes me feel awkward and ill. Here are a few poems I wrote a while back.

WHORE

She’ll live a hundred lives
before ever knowing the truth.
She’ll kiss a thousand lips
to silence this haunting hurt
and fulfill insatiable hunger.
She’ll rape your days.
Bleed your dreams.
Then say a prayer
...just ‘cause daddy wasn’t there.
The birthmark you see is really a scar.
Blame him for the whore you are.

PICTURE OF A GIRL

all I ever wanted
was to be near you
to hug you without
feeling diseased
to show you how I feel
you’ll never know
how much I need to
unscrew these rusty bolts
untie this knot and let loose
all I ever wanted
was to be more than this
picture of a girl
who looks kind of like you

Those are sad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You know, God has a purpose for your life and everything is in His time. I'm sure He has brought you to this point in time for understanding and healing. And if your dad is doing better, it may even be a time for each of you to understand one another.

I have forgiven my dad. I do not blame him anymore. But I can't let go.

There is a book called "The Great Divorce" by C.S. Lewis. In the book there is a story I pulled out for you and here is the excerpt:

One of the passengers, an oily man who has decided to leave and is headed back to the bus. Sitting on his shoulder is a little red lizard, twitching its tail like a whip and whispering things in his ear. The man turns his head to the reptile and snarls, "Shut up, I tell you!"

Just then one of Heaven's radiant angels sees the man. "Off so soon?" he calls.

"Well, yes," says the man. "I'd stay, you know, if it weren't for him," indicating the lizard. "I told him he'd have to be quiet if he came. His kind of stuff won't do here. But he won't stop. So I'll just have to go home."

"Would you like me to make him quiet?" asks the angel.

"Of course I would", says the man.

"Then I will kill him," says the angel, stepping forward.

The man panics at the thought of permanently losing the lizard and the sweet fantasies the creature whispers in his ear. But he is tired of carrying him around. He dithers back and forth between the two choices. Solemnly, the angel reminds him he cannot kill the lizard without his consent. And yes, it will be painful for the man; the angel refuses to soften the truth. Finally, in anguish, the man gives his consent, then screams in agony as the angel's burning hands close around the lizard and crush it.

"Ow! That's done for me," gasps the man, reeling back.

But then, gradually but unmistakably, the man begins to be transformed. Bright and strong he grows, into the shape of an immense man, not much smaller than the angel. And even more surprisingly, something is happening to the lizard, too. He grows, rippling with swells of flesh and muscle, until standing beside the man is a great white stallion with mane and tail of gold.

The new man turns from the horse, flings himself at the feet of the Burning One, and embraces them. When he rises, his face shines with tears. Then in joyous haste the young man leaps upon the horse's back. Turning in his seat he waves a farewell. And then they are off across the green plain, and soon among the foothills of the mountains. Like a star, they wind up, scaling what seem to be impossible steeps, till near the dim brow of the landscape, they vanish, bright themselves, into the rose brightness of that everlasting morning.

.........................

There is a deep meaning in that story for you if you think about it for a while.

Art, you have been such a great help. Thank you so much!

Your welcome........

Just know you will be in my prayers and your burdens will be with me.

Damn it! I did it again. )=

I'm guessing that means you slipped?

Yeah...online and AT WORK!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I could have gotten into so much trouble. I felt so guilty coming home. I feel so dirty.

Ok, the guilt would mean you are in the shame part of the addiction cycle. What the shame does is drives those core needs and pushes on them so you start heading back towards a trigger phase.

So two things you can do with shame. 1) You can let shame make you feel like a bad, rotten person. Or 2) you can realize your actions are bad, but you are a good, worthwhile person and let the shame remind you of things not to do. I think you should pick option 2.

You are a good person, worthwhile, someone to be cherished. someone who is of value, someone who is loved. It's your actions that are wrong and you can stop them.

You were right about the ritual phase and not being able to turn back.


I don't believe that. I used to be a good person. I went to church every Sunday. I only drank alcohol twice a month. I cared more about other people than I did about myself. I am an ugly, selfish, nasty, deceitful error of God.

Well considering God is perfect and cannot make errors. Matthew 5:48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. Oh, and he is wan't you to be perfect as well, so that means he never intented for you to have all those bad characteristics you mentioned. So that just means they are a result of sin that was released into the world and not something God did. The sin is ugly, nasty, deceitful, not you.

You know, people think God is like their earthly fathers, but He is nothing like them. He is more loving, more caring, more generous, more nurturing, more forgiving....more than anything we can imagine. It also says in Matthew that you are valuable to Him. And something of such great value is not so easily discarded.

Believe in yourself, I do.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I feel unforgiveable.

So, I'll ask you the question that was asked me. As a Christian we believe if we ask God to forgive us that He is holy and just and will forgive us of all unrightousness and that is without a doubt. So, do you think you are better than God? To say you are unforgivable means you think you have a better opinion than God Himself about your failures or do you just totally doubt God and He is a liar?

You have to pick one or none and if the answer is none, then you have already been forgiven.

I'm not a very good Christian. I shouldn't even call myself that but it's what I believe. I don't live up to it. I believe it and preach it, but I turn my back. I'm a hypocrite. God is so ashamed. I'm His biggest disgrace. True that He may have forgiven me, but I never will. I haven't forgiven myself for a lot of things. It's all inside collapsing. I drown in guilt every day.

I never wanted to hurt anyone. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt anyone. But I have. And I do. And I'll do it again and again and again. And it tears me up. It kills me a thousand times. I am so full of heavy nothing.

Sometimes I think the reason I was born was to hate life. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

What is a good Christian? Christianity is not based on the things you do or don't do, but on the faith you have in Christ. So there really is no good or bad Christian. To God we are all his children and equal in His eyes. He is not ashamed of you. He feels no disgrace because of you. He loves you no matter what.

To not forgive yourself is self serving to a great extreame. It says, look at me, I deserve to be miserable, I deserve to be unhappy, I deserve to be unloved, I deserve, to be a failure.

Do you really think you deserve those things? I think you are telling youself a horribly lie if you do.

And hey, I care or I wouldn't be asking the questions and trying to help you think about it.........

I know you care, Art. And I really do appreciate. I'm sorry for getting so upset. I'm just having a really bad day. <3

I gave my testimony to a group of men at church this morning. By the end of it I was crying as I recalled the things I had done and the grace I have been given both by my wife and God. The men I was talking were thankful for me sharing my experiences with them and some of them said it touched them that I was so open and honest. One man said it helped him realize he needed to make sure he got the same help I got.

Secret I hope you have a better and a nice weekend with your husband. Let God bless you and give you grace in your life. Just know I care and want the best for you in your life.

I did really good last night. I went out for a couple of drinks and while driving home I had a really strong desire to go to my ex's apartment. Approaching the intersection, I was screaming and crying. I didn't know which way to go. Turning left to my ex's or right to go home. I knew the right way, but I wanted to take the wrong. I then asked God to turn the wheel for me. I went right. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Still there was the urge to turn around, but I made it home. Success!!

2 Corinthians 10
3 For though we live in the world we are not carrying on a worldly war, 4 for the weapons of our warfare are not worldly but have divine power to destroy strongholds. 5 We destroy arguments and every proud obstacle to the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.

Hey, great success!! The verses above say we are to take thoughts captive that we might obey Christ and that is exactly what you did. You took the thought captive and you prayed about it. I'm proud of you for making the RIGHT choice.

Yay for me!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> That was tough though. Very tough. The temptation was incredible.

I know, those times can be very tough. When I first started going through my recovery it was as though my mind we being constantly attacked. I was continuously wanting to return to the things I had done before, but each time I told God it was wrong and to help me and turn me in the right direction.

Your success was great!!! Remember it and each time a thought pops into your head share it with God and let him know you are struggling. You might be doing it a good bit at first, but then it gets easier. Now I rarely have those thoughts entering into my mind. God has helped me sweep out my mind and clean it up.

Hey, don't forget, you are special in God's eyes, someone cherished, someone valuable, someone loved, someone He wants close. And you are that in other people's eyes too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Do you think I really need counseling? Maybe I can do this on my own.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You are asking the wrong person. Put yourself in front of a mirror and look at the person in front of you and ask that question and hopefully the person answering will be honest with you.

My appointment is Tuesday evening so I have the long weekend to decide what to do. We'll see how my behavior is this weekend. Wish me luck!! And thank you again!

I have been reading this discussion and I love all that you have offered new cheater. The recent article by Michele Scheinkman is an important review of various perspectives on infidelity. It reminded me that honesty can sometimes backfire.

I asked you to be honest with yourself about counseling. I'm not sure if I didn't place an unrealist burden on you. For years I would look at the counseling sections in the yellow pages, but never could get the courage up to call and make an appointment. I looked back at how I was challenging you earlier and encouraging you to see a counselor. Obviously I believe that is the right thing for you to do. I believe you need to confront some issues head on and be able to get to the point where you can be able to share with your husband your deepest and most intimate feelings. Until you can do that you will never be free of the burdens that hangs onto you. Part of this problem you face is an intimacy issue. It's a fear of getting close and opening up genuinly. It's easier to flip from person to person, because then we never have to be real. And if we never have deep, close person friends, we never have to be real.

So, I encourage you to keep your appointment. Follow through and work on your problem and I will keep encouraging and let someone who is professional guide you with the hard work that has to be done.

As always, I know you can do it. There are others here I know will join in and give there support as well.

Just in case you have been watching for posts today I have been keeping you in my prayers. I hope whatever choices you have made they are the best ones for you and I encourage you to continue making those choices that best benefit you and your life.