Hi Jen,
I haven't really chatted with you before, but something you're doing right now really got my attention.
When you said this:
Thank you to everyone who has helped me and who I hope I have helped over the past 2 years but I can't stay. Not because of the 2x4s but because I can never hold my head up again with people I've grown to love.
I guess I've confirmed that we really are pond scum.
You're speaking from a place of shame and humiliation, from a place of feeling horrifically inadequate and powerless. In other words, you feel like complete crap about yourself.
And you're doing things that feed the cycle of feeling like crap.
What are they?
Hurting your own integrity with contact with the OM.
Hurting your integrity some more by not telling your husband.
Hurting your integrity some more by entering the cycle of shame/humiliation/despair/secrecy. It cycles on itself, you know.
So can I suggest to you that you take a moment to really look how you feel in the face? Just for a moment. Ten seconds. Really truly feel how utterly cruddy and awful you feel about yourself right now. Care to name that feeling? Do you have any words strong enough to express it? How does it make you feel, physically? Can you hear the self-talk (those are the ranting-at-yourself words you hear in your head when you're doing something that part of you doesn't like one bit).
Okay, now, don't panic. We're all here sitting with you while you feel that stuff. (Everyone else, no 2x4s for the moment. No matter what you say, the feelings Jen gets to experience are worse. Trust me on this one.)
So Jen. Now, I need your help remembering a few things about yourself.
First off, consider a small child. Maybe not even two years old. A little tiny one. And that little child, you come across in a completely desolate place -- a desert, maybe. You're lost in that place. Scared, alone, afraid you're going to die. You're feeling, in fact, very much like you do now, only worse. And yet, there is this tiny child. A tiny child who is maybe going to die, too, lost and alone and terrified.
And that child starts to cry because she is so completely terrified by the experience of this desolate place, by being completely alone in it, by being ready to die, in not very long, of thirst.
What do you do, Jen? I'm guessing, here. I'm guessing that you take the time to pick up that tiny child, that you take the time to comfort the child, and to share the bit of water you have with you. And I'm guessing you'd do that even if you were almost out of water and didn't know whether you'd ever get more.
I'm guessing that when that child started to whimper and then sob uncontrollably in fear and desolation, that you would comfort that child.
Imagine that.
You'd comfort that child.
Know how it feels when a terrified child finds comfort with you, Jen? Know how it feels when that child's sobs become tears, and then the tears become sniffles and hiccups, and then the hiccups become those big gasping breaths that are the last sign of the passing storm? Know how it feels when that child lays her head on your shoulder, puts an arm around you, rests her entire limp, exhausted weight against you -- and trusts, utterly, that you will protect her?
I bet you know what that feels like, Jen. I bet you -would- protect that child to the very best of your ability.
This is not an analogy Jen. I'm not comparing. I'm working you through a very important exercise. Come along with me, okay?
Hold that child, asleep and quiet and trusting, next to your chest as you walk through the desolation with me a little further.
You love people. I know that you do. Can you see their images? Remember who they are, the details of what they're like?
You are a member of a community. This one, others in real life. You've done fun, useful, productive things with your communities. Remember what they are, remember that you're a member of them.
You have done kind things for people -- you've acted compassionately. Remember the last time you did something like that? A time when on this very board you took the time to answer some newbie's question, responded to someone's pain, offered comfort when someone was desolate and losing hope? Take the timde to think of at least three of them.
You love, I bet, some aspects of nature. Remember some glorious scenes that you've seen in your life? You live in one of the most beautiful countries in the world. You've looked up from your computer at various times in your life -- remember the glory that you've seen?
You have also, I suspect, seen or heard or read or felt manmade things that have moved you to tears. Music or art work or a finely crafted machine or a beautifully decorated home or a wonderfully done garden -- remember what those look like?
You know that there is something larger than you are out there. You might call it God or the Universe or something else, but you know it and have felt complete wonder and awe at experiencing it.
At your core, Jen, these are things that you are. Can you feel that feeling that comes when you think of these things? Can you sense the peace, the wonder, the awe, the love that flows through you when you know them? It's a very important thing, experiencing these emotions.
THESE are the core of who you are. Not the rest of that stuff. THESE are the things that make up who you are.
Sure, you have feelings of inadequacy and shame and powerlessness and unlovableness. Everyone does. Can you have a little compassion for yourself? That's not the same as free rein to continue the things that are hurting you. It -is- giving yourself a little understanding, a little acceptance that you're imperfect.
Don't cycle back to the awful place, now, just because I reminded you about that stuff. Keep focusing on the peace and compassion that you felt when you were thinking about the good stuff.
This is the place where you can find solutions to the problem you face. This is the place where you can, with a clear head and a compassionate heart, understand the actions you need to take.
So, Jen -- tell me. What small things can you do to change the situation, to make it just 5% better? You don't have to solve the whole thing right now. It's taken you a few weeks to get into it, it'll take a while to get out as well.
Just go do that small, tiny thing that can begin to make it better. Something that will change your experience of the situation, something that will make you feel a little more whole and honest and clear, something that repairs your integrity just a little tiny bit.
When you're done, would you come back and tell us about what it was?
[The exercise above is taken from Steven Stosny's work. I've found it to be very, very useful.]
