If you want to change the topic, go to the first post on this thread and change the subject...that way folks who can help you will see your title and come by.

You can change your title as many times as you like.

~ Marsh

These affairs ALWAYS end. So it is mostly hanging in there and staying in Plan A, and avoiding fights.

Plan A needs to last 3 months. So concentrate on that.

What did your WH complain about BEFORE the A?

Thanks, I'll try that!

Hi IP,

Good to know you are aware NOT to bring your husband here. Its the MB golden rule of thumb as this place is your safe haven and support place.

Also, you should not try to educate your husband as long as he is cheating. Harley advises against it.

Well, that's good news, I guess. I just don't feel that lucky. I'll be a part of the small percentage that they will stay together.

My husband mainly complained about not enough time in the bedroom, not enough intimacy. He's right. I didn't give him enough attention - in or out of the bedroom. I took him for granted. I should have been nicer to him. I knew we had troubles, but I thought we had a strong relationship. I thought we were so strong that we could get through anything. He would try to talk to me, but I didn't see how serious our problems were. I didn't know our relationship was in trouble.

That's one reason he doesn't know if he wants to try. He feels like he did try. He said he's tried for 6 years and he's exhausted with trying. He doesn't know if he wants to try again.

I feel differently about that. I didn't know the whole story. I wasn't on the same page as him. I didn't really know the root of the problem and I didn't know it was this serious.

He is a wimp if he thinks he tried enough. When mine babbled the same, I told him if that's the best he can do, then he ought to leave because I don't want to live with a wimp.

LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

IP...

Read this link Pepperband's Carrot & Stick of Plan A

Mrs. W

So, what did he do?

I have one more thing to add about not meeting my husbands needs. I just read a thread from JulieW in the General Questions II called "I cannot satisfy my husband" and it seriously sounded like me!! I didn't know other people had the same problem as me. You know, it's so weird. I want him more now than ever - sexually, physically, emotionally...I miss him so much. I guess the saying holds true = "you don't know what you've got until it's gone". I would do anything to have my husband want me like he used to. Anything....

But, that was a big problem in my relationship. My sex drive was always so low. That's played a huge role in him having an affair. It may be causing the problems now too. Maybe he's afraid to work on our marriage because he doesn't want to have that type of relationship again. He said we lived like friends before, so this isn't so hard for him now. Plus, he said it's actually better because I'm acting like a better person. Also, maybe sex with the OW was so much better, so that is causing him to possibly want her instead of me. We never really had PASSION in our marriage. Maybe he found this passion with her.

Another thing that makes this affair so horrible is that my husband and I are high school sweethearts. We started dating at age 15. We waited until we got married to have sex (8 years) and we were both virgins. He was my one and only and I was his, until this OW. It's hard for me to even call her a woman. So, now I have to deal with the fact that I'm no longer his one and only.

I feel like nothing is just ours anymore. It hurts so bad. I can't believe he did this to me.

I don't know what to do. I can't stand this hurt anymore. I feel so alone. I want my husband back; I miss him so much. I miss the way he used to look at me. I miss our talks. I miss sleeping with him. I miss laying in bed with him. I miss everything. I want my old life back. I can't go on. I feel so helpless. I don't want to live anymore. It hurts too much. I love him to much and I think I'm going to lose him. I know I can't handle it.

How do I convince him that things will be SO different if he just give me a chance? Especially since he won't even touch me now.

HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!!!

Try and concentrate on the plan. Others will guide you and help you. It is so easy to be overwhelmed by your feelings. You are a much better deal than she is. He has a lot to lose and it will not be long before he realises this.She hasnt a great deal to offer in the future other than trouble.

I REALLY hope you're right. When I asked him how many times it happened, he said he didn't know. It happened too many times to count, basically. I found out in October and it was going on since June. So, they were having a lot of sex and I don't know if I can get passed that. Our sex life was never that frequent. And it was my fault. All of this is my fault. I'm so afraid I'm not going to get him back.

IP...

Doing something will help you to feel better...Let's work the plan...Get started on exposure...When are you going to call OW's parents?

Mrs. W

Mrs. W.

I was going to call the OW parents today or tomorrow. I want to do it, but something keeps stopping me. I'm so fearful.

I know everyone keeps saying to EXPOSE on this site and it does make sense. I'm having trouble trusting that. Maybe because I don't trust anything anymore. I just keep thinking about what happened everytime someone new did find out about the affair. Everytime they were exposed, it seemed to bring them closer. He feels sorry for her and he runs to her. He feels responsible for the affair because he told me that he "brought her into this". I quickly nipped that in the bud!!! I told him that she had her own mind and she was responsible for her own actions. She knew what she was doing was wrong from day 1 and she willingly did it. It's not like he forced her. He seems so worried about her feelings and her getting hurt. What about me? What about the hurt I feel? Why doesn't that matter to him? Is that normal?

One thing that keeps coming back to me is...he knew that I knew about the affair on Oct 10th. He told me he would work on the marriage. On Oct 21st, it was Homecoming for our college. The OW went to the same college as us, but years later. She's 6 years younger than us. The OW is also in the same sorority as me - how ironic! She betrayed me om a sisterhood level too. Anyway, our sorority was having a 15 year anniversary reunion that weekend that I planned. She had the nerve to come! Anyway, my best friend (in her drunken state) told many people there (my sorority sisters) about the affair. Several of the sisters went up to the OW and said some things to her. She, of course, told my husband what was going on and he got furious and was going to leave me there to go talk to her. I begged and pleaded with him to go talk to me. He talked to me until about midnight (for about an hour or so) and then he went to her apartment to talk to her and see how she was doing. He didn't get home until 5:00 am. I was up crying all night. That was the night he also told me that he didn't know if he wanted to work on the marriage anymore and he told me to forget everything he said prior to that. He said he didn't feel that way anymore and that he probably didn't want to be married to me at all.

From that night on, he started hanging out with her more. They started traveling for work together, he started going over to her apartment again to havg out, etc...That exposure really did seem to bring them closer.

So, what do I do?????

It is very common for the adulterers to "appear" to come together after exposure.

Consider it

"Clinging in Chaos" versus "bonding in bliss"

Having read on these boards for a couple years now I can safely guarantee you that EXPOSURE is the beginning of the end. That "end" may not BE marital recovery..Can't guarantee that...but what is going to happen is going to happen. God's will...will be done whatever that may be. But by being a strong woman and fighting this good fight with all you've got ... YOU will come out of this stronger and with your integrity intact. Besides a STRONG woman is more attractive to the wayward husband and hence more likely to win when the wayward inevitably begins to consider their options.

Remember...If he leaves...it's better than what you've got today. Doing nothing is just no longer acceptable TO YOU.

You have nothing to fear but fear itself.

Mr. Wondering

Expose the affair. That is what you do. Yours is an example of why you can't do a little bit at a time. It was just enough to tick them off, but not enough to cause any real, lasting damage. You brought a pee shooter to a gun fight and were quickly extinguished. As you can see, they quickly recovered.

This time, make up a list of key targets, such as employer, her parents, his parents, close friends and call them all in the same day. This will give you the maximum impact and they won't be able to quickly recover the damage.

Look at it like this and you will understand the power of exposure: Affairees are like crack addicts. Imagine bringing a crowd of ppl into the crack house to witness the affairees smoke crack. It is no fun to smoke crack in front of an audience. It ruins the high and makes them feel sleazy.

Same thing with an affair. It may not end the affair immediately, but it will begin the ruination of the fantasy, which is ruinous to the affair.

So, get to work, InPain, and start doing a REAL Plan A, which includes exposure.

Hey In_Pain,
I just re-read all of your posts here.

You need to come up with a firm plan of action. Here are my suggestions:

Exposure:
Office Supervisor with copy sent to HR department.
Re-expose to his mother. I know she is weird but, you need all the help you can get.
Expose to his siblings and thier spouses.
Call her parents.

I would send the email out tonight and have everyone's number ready to call on Sunday when you know he will be with her.
Write an email to your soriority national office.

When he tells you he is going to her house to hang out, what is your response? Without Love Busting you need to make it clear that action is unacceptable to you.

You said you are making positive changes. What other changes need to be made?

I have a date at the gym this morning. Recreational companionship, ya know? I'll try to check back with you later on today.

moveforward:

I think I'm doing pretty well on the positive personal changes. I am a much more relaxed, more pleasant person to be around. And he knows that.

The biggest change that needs to be made is the "no affection" problem. He are living like friends or room mates and I hate it. We don't hug, kiss, nothing.

I need help with that. He's not interested anymore. So not like him.

I have an important question for everyone out there and would love feedback.

Did any of you experience your spouse not wanting to get dressed in front of you. It seems like my husband leaves the room when I am dressing and he doesn't dress in front of me much anymore. He used to walk around nude with no trouble. Now, for example, this morning his quickly took his pants on and slipped his boxers on without even standing upright. It just seems like he doesn't want to be naked around me anymore. If that's the case, how am I supposed to have sex with him, or get him to have it with me I should say? I don't know what to do. I don't know how to reach him anymore. I'm scared to death!!!

Has this happened to anyone else? If so, how did you make changes?

Please help!!

In Pain, change the topic of your post on the main page to something like- husband refusing sex or something such--
hang in there

My husband is so distant. He talks to me like we're friends, but he seems very disinterested when I try and talk to him about something. He is so disconnected.

He doesn't seem to even want to dress in front of me or be in the room when I dress.

He left early this weekend from my mother-in-law's. He left around 2:15 on Saturday. I'm sure he went to be with the OW. I'm sure he's with her today too. I don't even know if he spent the night there because I'm in a different town.

I cried all night last night and I have a feeling I'll be doing the same today.

He just seems like he has no interest in me.

What do I do with the rage I feel for the OW? I had thoughts of killing her last night and then killing myself. I would like to think I wouldn't do something like that, but I am hurting so much.

Help me, please. I have nowhere to turn.