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So, you think I should start doing things like that again and not worry about him rejecting me?
I need help getting past these feelings. I guess I've lost all confidence in myself. Yes you should. And you need some IC or something to help you get past these feelings and get back some confidence in yourself. Nothing is more unattractive than an emotional wreck with no self-esteem. Confidence is sexy. Think to yourself I am quite a catch, and he will want to come back to me. If he doesn't, that's his loss, not yours. If that is the case you will find someone better. Believe in yourself in_pain. You are the strong one in this relationship, not him. You are the one fighting for your family. I have a ****** of a lot of respect for what you are doing because I am doing the same thing as well, and it is HARD! It takes a strong person to put ourselves through what we have to go through. It would be a ****** of a lot easier to just give up and move on. Be we are STRONGER than that. That is confidence and that is sexy. I'll keep praying for you. Keep us posted on your story. - Jim
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No more cringing or worrying. You have taken a strong stand to protect your family and should be looking at yourself like a heroine - like Wonder Woman!
Let HIM sweat now. Let HIM enjoy the looks and the whispers at work. Do not protect him from this and do not think of apologizing for them. These are all natural consequences of his extremely poorly chosen actions. Let those things cause their discomfort and do their work, which was exactly the intent. Let them help you. And most of all, let HIM worry about them.
Mulan
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Thank you for responding Jim and Mulan. I really need help getting past all of this. I almost feel like I'm living with a stranger. I don't know how to act or what to do. I never had to deal with wondering where I stand with him before. I've been with him for 16 years and this is uncharted territory.
He made another comment this morning about not working where he is now and finding another job somewhere else. The fact that everyone in the office knows is really bothering him.
My exposure didn't go as I've planned either. The memo that I wanted everyone to see at work never went out. I guess my friend wasn't comfortable doing that. So, I'll have to do it myself. I have to do it some night when he is sleeping. I'll have to take his keys to the office and go and distribute it myself. I'll be so scared! But, I want it to go out. My exposure didn't happen all at the same time like it's recommended. I hope that's okay.
I took your advice and I just e-mailed and asked him if he wanted to go to a movie on Saturday night or take our son to the mall to get his picture taken with Santa and do some Christmas shopping. We'll see how that goes. I'm nervous, which is so silly.
It's such a strange feeling to not know what actions to take.
BS (Me) - 31
WH - 31
DS - 2 in January
Found Out About Affair - 10/6/06
Married - 10/10/98
Been Together Since - 10/27/90
H won't have NC with OW
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LISTEN TO ARK!!!
Do EXACTLY as she says for PLAN A SUCCESS!!!
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Have you seen the post below? It is one of my ark^^ favorites. I wrote this to familymatters about plan a this am...and then I read sindy post on plan a...so I"m threadjacking myself...
putting out there some of my musings of plan a..
FIRST thing is that I strongly strongly believe that before you even begin plan A...that you make a time limit for it...with plans to go to Plan B...
that for plan b to be effective you must have a good plan a...and for plan a to be effective and have the stamina to hang in there and give so unconditionally you must have a time frame in mind for plan b.....
Plan A is ALL about the assumption that the WS is still in the affair or in contact...
this is your map to navigating those treacherous waters...
it also is your big moment to diffuse all the excuses WS are prone to use to justify their behavior and choices....
and more you can diffuse their blame...
the bs is "always depressed"
the bs "always wants to talk about relationships"
the bs "is controlling"
the bs "yells all the time"
etc....
the more you remove those things...and the more you remove yourself from any powerstruggles of insanse things...
he said she said..
etc...
the more your disengage from arguements..again the more they have look at their own actions and choices....
here's what I told familymatters..One of the biggest mistakes that people make in plan A is that they begin to meet their spouses needs....and still hold on to great expectations of reward and reinforcement from their spouse....
plan a is ALL about learning to give and do for a bit with NO expectation of ANYTHING in return...
the giving of self and gifts with no strings attached....
I have quoted the silly add campaign for some perfume in the 70's here before...but I think it fits....
It went like this ...
"if you want to get someones attention...
whisper."..
plan a is like a whisper of behaviors and actions...
plan a should not be huge demonstrative expressions of love and romance...
WS are incapable of accepting those things...
part of that is that their actions at the time of continuing an affair are NOT loving and lovable...
and they KNOW it..
sometimes they know it better than their BS...who still want to use words like love to them...
so they get resentful
or shut down
or depressed..
or it solidifies their belief that they are so "bad" or so far gone...it feeds into their excuse and defense of unworthiness...
plan a is about filling the home with love and light in other ways...
it about an upbeat environment without the deep doom cloud hanging overhead..
it is about a home filled with children's activities and joy when applicable and it is about inviting and drawing the wS into those times and activities....
and even when they refuse to come in to the joy...the joy goes on without them...
BS that do a good plan a...say they feel like their WS didn't notice..or only was receptive now and then...and then their involvement and particpation increased...
WS that were handed a good plan a...say they watched and noticed EVERYTHING...EVERYTHING....even when the bS thought they didn't notice a thing....
WS are in great turmoil...and human nature is in conflict to take ALWAYS the path of the least resistance.....
the path of least resistance...is withdrawal and wallowing in self loathing and pity..
the path of least resistance is the OP..for they can not judge and force the WS to see their own actions...because they are as guilty as the other....
so plan A'rs.....need to stop ALL relationship talk..
all talk of love...
you do things that are subtle...
like put a CD in that the WS likes...and just enjoy if yourself...and if they enjoy it also...so be it..
even better yet when it is a blast from the past CD...one that speaks of a history...without blatant insistance that the wS remember this or that....
just history...
the person in plan A...needs to be upbeat and charming...they need to see that the BS is capable of fun and joy...because if all they ever see is a BS lost in the pain..then it will solidify their belief that the pain the WS has caused will never go away...and no one can stand to see the pain they have inflicted day after day...(unless psychotic or sadistic)
the person in plan a needs to engage family and friends in fun activites always always always inviting the wS to join in...
they need to see that things can and could be normal again....
plan a can be leaving a love note...but more impressive a joke...
buy an old farside book and make copies of the really really funny ones....
or the old calvin and hobbs.......
and leave those posted about...
WS seek false joy and laughter....
bring them back to real laughter.....
plan a'rs need to learn to babble back to the insanity that Ws say..and give the babble no leverage or "to die for importance"....
plan a'rs need a time limit of doing plan a with a concrete plan when to go to plan b..
the better the plan b..the better the reality of the consequances of plan b...
make plans to things the wS likes to do..
baseball games..
movies
etc..
and when they dont' want to go..
still go and do them..
be up up up up beat...
draw them to you and your home like a moth to a flame...
work on yourself
find an outside interest that gives you some relief ..
expect nothing nothing nothing from the Ws within a limited time period and free yourself in to the ability to give and do for your spouse better than you ever had....
WS are not used to getting thing with no strings attached....
it will confuse and baffle them...but when they try to use the old "your pressuring me excuse"..it will fall on their empty ears..cause they know that has not been the case..
take them a coffee expresso piled high with whip cream...at work or bring it home to them...and leave it for them..
don't badger them to thank you
don't badger them to tell you how much they liked it..
lay it at their feet and walk away whistling...
find the joy in the act of giving and doing and not in the receptiveness....
hard hard hard hard it is......
but set the time frame and go for it....
anyone can do anything for six weeks..
(except ATKINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! )
and pray for Gods Grace to enter your heart and home...
pray for serenity...
make you house the home where you and the kids and WS would want to be....
become strong...
become confident
become engaging and charming...
realize that YOU the BS are not lovable or desirable..based on your spouses giving or taking of love...
that you stand alone in this world..
lovabe and desirable...inspite of your spouses...
that's why plan A is all about each and every encounter and glimpse in to you and your home life being as engaging and attractive.....
plan a is all about doing what you can to end an affair....
plan a is built on the presumption that they are in contact...
that's why your contact needs to be better and with more value and depth....
this does not mean that you don't set boundaries on what you will tolerate in your life..
you will not "babysit" the kids so she can go with the OP...
you don't condone any contact..
but you don't powerstruggle it either...
if you think your spouse is going to go out with op don't make it easy for them..don't watch the kids...make plans first...and leave him or her with the kids...etc
hope this helps some..
ark
[ July 06, 2004, 11:16 AM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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And here's another great ark^^ post for you to digest: If you are in plan A...
you should feel very empowered...
to look your WS in the eye...and keep strong eye contact the ENTIRE time you are speaking...
to speak in a soft, calm, clear voice....
lean towards
hold their hand
while you tell them
"you should know dear spouse...
you should know that each tiny second of pleasure that you obtain in talking to or being around the OP...
that each fleeting good moment visits upon me and others in your world that love you... magnified in to the thousands...
feelings of great
pain,
confusion,
and
sadness...
that I could never wish upon you or anyone...
that your contact has that effect on many many people...
and I really just needed to take a moment and make sure we are clear on that issue."
Walk away
slowly
without grand gestures
tears
speak the truth of your pain in a tone and clear language that leaves no room for rebuttal or powerstruggle..
speak it so the record stands...
not for a response of denial, blame
expect NO response
prepare for NO response
THANK GOD when you get no response...
let it hang there
let them ruminate
let them stew...
say it lovingly even...
in plan A speak your pain without accusation and blame..
but speak it clearly and concisely...
it is the truth
and
reality
the WS runs from.....
offer it small calm clear doses...
and they will be less likely to retaliate from the bitter taste of the truth...when offered in small small innoculous
doses
plant the seed
ARK^^
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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i_p~ Ark is giving you some great advice here....listen to it. My sitch was a little different in that while my H was in the A., I had NO idea ~ I mean NONE. I didn't know about this website or Plan A either, but that's what I was doing, and I didn't even know it. In some ways it was easier not knowing what the he** was going on, and in other ways it sucked big time ~ he was a TOTAL Fogged out alien to the worst degree and I was freaking out ~ couldn't understand why he was acting like such a freak. But I Plan A'd him anyways...planned a lot of fun stuff together, just tried to keep us busy, was extra nice, didn't ask him to help me with ANYTHING (and that's hard when you have 4 kids!!!), just tried to be happy and fun to be with (now, BECAUSE I didn't know what was going on, I did LB a lot ~ got mad at him and told him to "snap out of it", bugged him about what the he** is wrong with you, that kind of stuff. Didn't help, but since I didn't know about the A., I was kind of out of my mind).... I know it's harde ~ just start slowly. Good idea asking him to do something with you this weekend...keep that up. Here is a post that I made to karen1 about some more practical stuff regarding Plan A. Hope it helps, it worked for me... Hey karen ~
Just trying to sort of catch up on your sitch...and since I could only really skim (going out of town today and I have lots to do!!!), I wanna at least try to help you out with the Plan A'ing part of this...
Ok, let's see: I'm not gonna sugarcoat it for ya, it's gonna be hard, and for now you're gonna have to forget about getting any of YOUR needs met. Sucks, I know, but just the way it is ~ for now! I know you said you've been doing this for 14 months and you're just burned out, but unfortunately for you, if he was still in contact, you were spinning your wheels.
Ok, you said that he cannot list what his ENs are: TOTALLY typical right now, while he's still in the Fog and going through withdrawal. JUST recently (like 2 weeks ago or so) did my H's fog finally totally lift (these are his words!). I had been asking/begging him to do the EN Q for months now ~ he'd promise, even started it a few times, but could never manage to pull through.
But since his fog has lifted, he was finally able to do it!!! He even told me that the reason he couldn't do it before (when he was in the Fog) was because he really didn't know....he was so fogged out, he didn't know what he wanted or needed. I think that's kind of important to know...
First off, things you avoid at ALL COSTS (for right now, anyways ~ not forever); talking about the affair (gulp;I know! yep, AVOID IT ~ nothing good is gonna come out of it right now anyways, it's just gonna keep that "wall" between you). Don't "bug" or "ask" him for ANYTHING ~ help around the house, help with the baby, nothing. Just do it; he will probably notice soon enough that you are doing everything yourself and no longer (if you ever did) asking him for help. Just let him breathe for a bit. I did this and before I knew it, he was offering his help...it was MUCH better this way. And of course NO AO or DJ ~ keep everything "light" and surfacy.
Ok, as far as I can tell, it seems that MOST men really need Admiration and Acceptance ~ it's a place to start, anyways. When he comes home from work, or the two of you are just hanging out, give him total and complete Undivided Attention. Act and BE sincerely interested in whatever he's telling you ~ get him to talk about his day, and TELL HIM ABOUT YOURS. Keep the conversation light; focus on funny or interesting things.
Recreational Companionship is often a big one for men as well: so while my H was in the Fog, I did ALL of the suggesting, planning and executing for our RC ~ with no help from him. Sure, he'd go along with it, but it was all up to me to make it happen. That's ok, I did it anyways...so, start wracking your brain for fun stuff the two of you can do together (get a babysitter for the baby ~ don't have him with you). Just do stuff that's fun for both of you, even if it's only going out to lunch or dinner and having a few drinks afterwards ~ whatever. Just MAKE A PLAN, and tell him what you're doing.
OK ~ then, go back and think about how you were with him when you were dating: we all change a lot during marriage and get a little "lazy" (BSs and FWSs alike) ~ how did you treat him then? DO THAT AGAIN!! I KNOW it's hard, and you're getting burned out. I did it for 6 months after dday, and for 4 months before that, while he was in the A, so believe me, I understand burn out. Coulda been worse, I know, but it was plenty for me.
In my subconscious, I believe what I was thinking was "Ok, MF, you've gotta suck it up here. You've gotta be BETTER than OW ~ you have to show him HOW MUCH BETTER YOU ARE THAN (trampy) OW." I started this before I even knew about this website or Plan A...it was just instictive to want to show him what a HUGE freaking mistake he made, because I'm really not that bad. I would, screw up sometimes and blow it, totally...but then I'd pick myself back up and start again.
The big bonus was that I actually liked myself better that way too. I remember thinking, after coming to this board and everyone telling me that I needed to focus on myself and changing ME right now, "Forget it! Sheesh, HE's the one who had the A., and I LIKED who I was"....but in all honestly I had picked up some annoying habits and ATTITUDES that weren't that fun ~ for either of us. It was kinda hard to see at the time, but now, after making some of those changes, I really like who I am a lot better NOW (yuck, who wants to admit that their H's affair made them a better person?!?!?!) ~ and more fun. I've lightened up a LOT. I was like you ~ a work horse, constantly keeping up on the house, kids, and even homeschooling!...which never left a lot of time to just "hang out" with my H ~ so I've lowered my standards some in regards to housework and "work" in general, and we are able to do a lot more "fun" stuff this way.
I can't tell you how much better this is ~ for BOTH of us. THIS is what life is about ~ being with and having fun with family and friends. I never thought I had time for that before, there was always so much "to do". Life is WAY more fun now (not that things are all perfect in regards to healing from the A or anything ~ not at ALL. We still have a long ways to go). But at least my priorities are straightened out ~ even though I THOUGHT they were ok before.
So, I think that's it, for now anyways....I'll recap the basics for you, ok?
1.) Avoid talking about "heavy" subjects, first and foremost, the A.
2.)Give him plenty of UA ~ be interested in what he's telling you; allow him to open up to you. Don't be "scary" to talk to. Let him know you are safe to share with.
3.)Start making "dates" for the 2 of you ~ as OFTEN as you can. You can't do it too much right now. Remind him that you are fun to be with.
4.) Start treating him like you did when you were dating.
5.) Oh, and I forgot: get cute:). When you were first dating, you probably would never have let him see you even a little bit unkempt ~ do that again, plus it'll just make YOU feel better!!!
Ok, I think that's it, for now anyways...
Hope this helps you! I KNOW it's hard, believe me. But you can do it!!!
~MF Keep it up, i_p, I know it's hard...keep coming back here for encouragement, we'll help you through...'k? ~MF
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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This caught my eye: Tonight he said that he was probably going to go back home and hang out with his brother after the Christmas party. Does he mean your home and not his brothers place? (Doesn't have a chance of meeting up with OW after the party with using "hanging out at brothers" for an excuse)
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. - Robert McCloskey
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ummmm
plan A is ALL ABOUT doing and saying with the total EXPECTATION of rejection...
you remove yourself from the expectation of any response..
expecting response is the act of giving and doing with strings attached...
Plan A is about giving and doing with NO strings attached....
your husband is expressing twice now his fear and concern and sadness about what others think...
People at work or judge or ostracize the person ie (sinner) ie EACH OF US IS ONE for whom the bell tolls etc etc etc..
and offer him no hope...for change or reconcilliation he will do what each of would choose to do...
avoid
self reject
self loath
become overwhelmed and believe that the damage wrought it unfixable....
then why not just withdrawal....
how are you going to help NOT enable your husband to come back to being an honest person who can once again lay their head down on a pillow and truly rest in the Grace of God...
what's your plan stan?
ARK
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Okay, I wanted my post this morning to be all about Plan A, but things have changed. I do want to thank Mimi for providing me those posts from Ark (Ark thank you for indirectly helping on that). I also want to thank MarriedForever for the post and all the help you have given me along the way so far. Ragamuffin: I'm sorry for the confusion. When I said back home, I meant back to our home town. Our home town (and his brother's house) is about 1 hour and 10 minutes away from our home. Ark thank you for your reply as well. I appreciate your help in this. I will post more about Plan A and some more questions I have at a later time, hopefully. I need help on what happened this morning!
Well, let me start with last night first. Last night was a REALLY hard night for me. I went to the grocery store with my son and decided to drive by his office. His car was gone, but the OW's was still in the parking lot. I drove home; he wasn't home. So, I went back and sat at a nearby parking lot. I feared they were together. Sure enough, his car pulled up alongside hers and she got out. Do you have any idea how hard it was to see them together and see her skanky @ss getting out of my husband's car? I'm sure some of you do. I was crushed, angry and heartbroken. I sat there for a little bit to compose myself and then I headed home. When I got home, my husband acted completely normal. I couldn't even look him in the face. I wanted to spit on him and then beat him up. I wanted to go and do much worse to her. How in the world do you execute Plan A when something like that happens or you feel that way???? I'm sure I did some Love Busting. I kind of avoided him all night. I stayed out in the kitchen and cleaned while he watched football. As the night went on, it was a little easier to face him, but I was still so hurt and angry. We did watch TV together after my son fell asleep and then he went to bed. Because of what I witnessed, I made the decision to go into his office and pass out the memos.
Around 4:00 this morning, I took his office keys and handed out a ton of memos. I laid them on everyone's chair and hung them throughout the office. When I stopped by the OW's desk, she had some pictures up on her cubicle wall. A lot of them were of him and her and some other people, but she also had one up of just him and her!!!!!! Can you believe the nerve. I ripped down all of her pictures!!!!
This morning my H was REALLY mad. The OW texted him first thing this morning and told him about her pictures being ripped down and I'm sure about the memos. I was laying on the couch with my son when he approached me. My son was still sleeping. He had his cell phone in his hand and was texting.
He said, "so, did you talk to OW's parents?"
I said, "yes"
He said, "why would you do that?"
I said, "because I'm doing everything in my power to save our marriage"
He said, "well, I told you before when people (some friends) first found out that it was only bringing me and the OW closer, so how do you think this would help?"
I said, "I just did what I thought was right to help our marriage"
I don't remember what he said exactly in response to that. I don't know that he said anything.
He said that his boss had a talk with him a couple of days ago and he said that he could get fired for this. Then, he said, "you better start looking for a F*$%&$ing job"
So I guess his boss did do something about it. The exposure e-mail to him did do something.
He also said, "who do you have working for you?" then, he told me about the pictures at her desk being ripped down. He didn't mention the memo.
I said, "why did she have pictures at her desk of the two of you"
He said, "she had pictures of them with other people and just random pictures at her desk"
I didn't say anything the rest of the time.
He said he was going to blow up today there and he was probably going to get fired for what he had to say, so he said again for me to start looking for a F^%^^%%ing job.
He also said something about looking for an apartment (so he is planning on moving out now) or going to live with his mom or something.
Before he left, he said "you disgust me"
Oh, during his rant, he also asked me about talking to his mom and his aunt. I told him that I did. He was not at all happy.
What if he's not like a typical WS? What if he is different? What if my actions did turn him away for good? I feel like I made a HUGE mistake. I knew I was going to feel this way. I certainly don't look better than the OW now!!!!!! She looks better to him than ever now! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!
He may not have even gone to the Christmas party today. He wasn't really looking forward to going anyway because he said that no one wanted to be around him. What if he's spending the day with her? My actions could have thrown him right in her arms!!!!!!!!!!
I am devastated. What am I going to do if I lost him!!!!!! I need help!
BS (Me) - 31
WH - 31
DS - 2 in January
Found Out About Affair - 10/6/06
Married - 10/10/98
Been Together Since - 10/27/90
H won't have NC with OW
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He is following the WS script to a T.
You have to calm down- you have done nothing wrong.
Look at this way: Would you rather him continue to live with you and keep screwing her - live with you and keep having an adulturous relationship?
Or would you rather do EVERYTHING you can do to break them up and win him back?
Now, you have done an awesome job on exposure.
Let's now focus some more on the other part of plan a- winning him back.
Re-read all of the plan a posts on this thread. Read the thread on this page that Ark started about plan a.
hang in there- you have done an awesoms job on exposure. You have done nothing wrong- any consequence of the exposure is directly related to HIS poor choices.
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calm down as much as possible.
your WH is a jerk and he is projecting his feelings on to you. Exposure is necessary and it is predictable that it will infuriate the WS. There are some things you did that could have been handled differently... but for now, there is nothing you can do about them. Do not allow your WH to make you feel bad for standing up for your M.... for your family. He is the one acting like a complete piece of [email]cr@p[/email] right now... not you.
He is trying to threaten you into not exposing... do not fall for his threats. If he wants to leave... then let him go. He knows where you will be... at home with your family. His lies and evil ways will catch up to him. Perhaps since you are concerned with the pain surrounding Plan A... it will be time for you to consider going to Plan B with him.
And you asked what are you going to do if you lost him.... you will survive and be happy... that's what you will do. But that is putting the cart before the horse. Deep breath.... calm thoughts.... call a friend....take a walk....try and relax....pray.
Be well.
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First - calm down. Your actions have done exactly what they were intended to do - bust up the affair and throw a monkey wrench into their sick fantasy.
You know how you can be sure you did all that? BECAUSE HE'S FURIOUS.
No, he's NOT any different from any other WS. Didn't we all warn you that he would explode and threaten you and tell you it's over once you exposed him? He is talking right out of the script.
Now, DON'T you let him intimidate you and make YOU feel guilty. That's exactly what he wants. If you start simpering and cowering and apologizing, you are only affirming that their affair is right and good and none of your business and you should not have interfered with their happiness.
Is that what you want?
I didn't think so!
Look - you've got major backbone to do what you did. Good on you for ripping down those pictures. I hope you spit on them and ripped them to bits and left them on her desk. That does not sound to me like a woman who would cower and back down just because her husband doesn't like being exposed for the lying cheating sod that he is.
OF COURSE he's going to explode and threaten you. Virtually all of them do. It is a ploy to try to make YOU feel guilty so HE doesn't have to. Don't you dare let him do this to you!
Let him leave. Let him go to her. Let him threaten to file for divorce. HE'S JUST TRYING TO MAKE YOU BACK DOWN AND FEEL BAD SO HE CAN FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIMSELF. DON'T DO THIS!
No matter what he says, just look him right in the eye and say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." And keep posting here for more support.
You did the right thing. AND IT WORKED!!! If it hadn't, he would have just laughed it off. But you hit them both right where it hurt the most.
BULL'S-EYE!
Mulan
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Thanks moveforward and mkeverydaycnt.
I hope you are right that this is normal behavior. I'm so scared that he's different than others. He NEVER liked me talking to friends or family about any problems that we had. He's not like that at all. If I do something horrible, he never tells anyone. He always keeps things to himself; he doesn't talk to anyone about anything. So, he has never understood why I need to talk to people when I have issues (about anything). I hope he can get past the anger because right now he's probably with her. I "disgust" him and she makes him happy. THAT MAKES ME SO SCARED, SAD, AND SICK!!
I did think of something else I wanted to include on my post originally. I know someone told me before that I can't educate him about affairs, so don't even try. I feel like I need to reach out to him today, either through e-mail or a text message. I feel like I need to tell him why I did what I did.
When or if he comes home tomorrow, what do I say to him? Should I try and talk to him? How do I act? I am literally freaking out right now! I really need help!!!
Before he left this morning, he did lean over and give our son a kiss and said "I'll see you tomorrow buddy" He sounded like he was starting to cry when he said it. His voice sounded shaky.
How do I get him to not be disgusted by me! Funny, shouldn't I be the one disgusted by him!!!!!!!!! How do I get him to not be so angry anymore? How do you get them to calm down after that and want to even be in the same room with you?
HELP!
BS (Me) - 31
WH - 31
DS - 2 in January
Found Out About Affair - 10/6/06
Married - 10/10/98
Been Together Since - 10/27/90
H won't have NC with OW
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Thank you Mulan:
I just hope he comes back to me. I should have ripped up the pictures and put them on her desk. I just put them in my coat pocket. I wanted to get out of there as fast as possible. I can always rip them up and put them on her desk at a later time just as a reminder. She is such a skank. I hate her.
I just don't know how to proceed from here. I don't know how to handle this.
BS (Me) - 31
WH - 31
DS - 2 in January
Found Out About Affair - 10/6/06
Married - 10/10/98
Been Together Since - 10/27/90
H won't have NC with OW
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How do I get him to not be disgusted by me! Funny, shouldn't I be the one disgusted by him!!!!!!!!! Yes, you should. So why are you worrying about what he thinks? All crooks think the cops are disgusting. How do I get him to not be so angry anymore? You don't. You let that be HIS problem. How do you get them to calm down after that and want to even be in the same room with you? Again - you don't. HE should be wondering why YOU would want to be in the same room with HIM. And you should be acting accordingly, whether you actually feel that way or not. He is angry because he is finally suffering from some consequences of the affair. Up until now, he was quite happy to let YOU suffer all the consequences and he is furious because it's suddenly been dumped back on him. If you want your exposure to have its full effect, then DON'T YOU DARE protect him from suffering its effects. Not one bit. The pain and discomfort and humilation he's feeling right now are exactly what he needs. If he insists on throwing it back at you, then you just pack up the kids and go somewhere else for a while. The point of all this is to Let Him Suffer. At this point, pain and consequences are the only things that will get through to him. Just think of it as really tough medicine, like chemotherapy. Don't you dare interfere with the medicine. Let it work as long as necessary. Mulan
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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don't try and educate him right now. that will come later.
I would suggest that you make a call to the Harley's today for some guidance... in the meantime....
find some things to help you calm down...exercise, walk... a bath...
as far as how you should act... read up on Plan A. But DO NOT be a doormat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, it is his behavior that is disgusting... not yours... you are trying to be the hero for your family. YOU are eating the [email]cr@p[/email] sandwich he has fed you a=nd you are doing it for your M and for your family. YOU should be proud of yourself.
Stop taking his reactions on yourself. He owns them... just like he owns his cheating. It is not up to you to fix that for him.
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Stop taking his reactions on yourself. He owns them... just like he owns his cheating. It is not up to you to fix that for him. YES!!! Mulan
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Any attempt to educate him will merely feed his rationalizations and justifications.
You: "I exposed to save our marriage and end the affair...here's how it works....."
Him: "So you are playing games. It's flat out manipulation and trying to control me. Our lives are NOT other peoples business"
Don't bother. Let exposure work. Keep them guessing. They may come together temporarily but it's no longer secretly bonding in bliss...it's clutching in chaos. May the love busters commence.
You did REAL good. Get some sleep. No matter what...YOU WILL MAKE IT.
Mr. Wondering
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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I_P, ""What if he's not like a typical WS? What if he is different?"" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> As my govenor would say "Dahts ah gute won". COME ON In_Pain, SNAP OUT OF IT!! Stop your cringing and worrying. You did NOTHING wrong. Your WH is sooo totally in the wrong and YOU disgust HIM!??! This would be too funny, if it wasn't so sad. We here in th halls of MB are very proud of you, how you kept your cool as he berated you. Stay very strong! You are AWESOME <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> krk
CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
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