I recall reading that VERY DOBSON PASSAGE over and over again for STRENGTH and UNDERSTANDING..

And when I made that turn it most DEFINITELY BLEW MY H'S MIND....I can clearly recall that look on his face...

It was a REAL TURNING POINT in our situation....

That's when I began saying: "I DON'T WANT YOU UNTIL YOU WANT ME..YOU'RE FREE TO GO"...

I was filled with UTTER PAIN on the inside but on the outer exterior I was able to REMAIN CALM.....

Looking back now, that is when I began WINNING THE BATTLE...

Oh Mimi, I know all of our stories are so similar but you always say just what I'm thinking or your story always sounds so much like mine.

how ya doing?

in pain, Marsh, mimi and InAD ~

Ditto, ditto, ditto for me and the Dobson passage ~ I've used this approach twice now with my H (once when we were dating and broke up for a year (guess, I shoulda taken advantage of that and run for the hills then, huh?!?!?! ~ hahahaha), and then again now, in this big old mess.

Worked like a charm both times ~ but the coolest part for ME has been that IT WAS AND IS HOW I REALLY FEEL!!!!! And that is a such a great feeling ~ it's like something in my mind finally clicked and I realized ~ geez, this is not about ME ~ I know what I want, and what I expect. If FWH wants to start acting like a husband and a father, and putting as much into this M that I am, then...great!!

And if not ~ oh well. I'll be moving on my way, and I'll find someone who DOES cherish me and M the same way I do.

Way to go, in pain!!!

~MF

Thank you Marsh!

I need people to cheer me on at this point. I'm feeling so down and unsure of myself and of my marriage. I'm so terrified.

Thank you for sharing the article with me. I know I'm not ready for something that drastic. I'm not sure where I stand, actually....

I know, just take from it what you're ready for and leave the rest.

How about an update?

What's been going on?


~ Marsh

Okay, here's an update...

My WH left Sunday night to go away for work. I decdided to go to my best friend's house in MD; I live in PA. My husband will be home tonight and my son and I will also go home tonight.

My WH did call our house on Monday night to see what size clothes our son wears. He said he might get to do some shopping in his free time. We talked for about 15 minutes. I told him my plans to go to my friend's house and then I told him to call me on his cell phone. He seemed pretty upbeat when we talked.

Well, that was the last time I heard from him. I'm really upset, down and depressed right now. I'm so scared that he is so far gone. I feel like I lost him. It's so sad, but I am dreading going home. I don't want to go back to my life. I can't believe this is happening to me. I can't believe how sad I am. I hate my life.

I'm sorry, I need some help.

Did anyone else experience this type of resistance from their WS, but was still able to fix the marriage?

Please help!

Also, when would be a good time to ask him to do the Emotional Needs Questionaire? He still may be angry from the exposure.

Thanks in advance...

in_pain - Assuming you know he's physically all right and not in a hospital or something -

If your WH is angry with you, and we know he is, what would be the best way for your him to punish you and upset you right now?

And what would he like very much for you to do in response to that?

Think about it.
Mulan

He's pissed off at you for exposure, so he's giving you the silent treatment to punish you. This is typical WS behavior. You need to stand tall and keep up the good work.

Ok, today is a good day for you to stand tall, square those shoulders, and do one heck of a Plan A. Have the house tidy, you and the baby looking awesome, a nice dinner cooked, etc.

Talk to him. Touch his hand. Make him aware of you.

You can do this!

You have done awesome on Plan A on the exposure part, now is the time to put some of the carrot of plan A into effect.

You can do it!

I know you are wondering, "how in the heck am I going to do this?"..keep up what you have been doing so far. You've held up wonderfully..considering what you are going through... I agree with the others regarding the need for a STRONG Plan A now.

You asked if others have experienced this...

It was a LONG HARD AND WINDING ROAD for me..

I sounded much, much like you when I would come to the forum...

AND NOW...

My H and I are very happily recovered for 3 years...

After D-Day, he began leaving on Friday to spend the entire weekend with the other woman...

Like you, I felt that I had "lost him"...

His style was to call on Sunday and ask... "Is it alright to come HOME?"..like Mulan is suggesting..wanting me to blow up at him in order to justify to himself the need to stay gone another day..sometimes he actually wouldn't return until Monday...YUCK...

In my PLAN A, I was able to remain CALM, staying steadfast in my conviction to him that I wanted to "work on our marriage". I did let him know that I was "unhappy" with his choice to treat me that way..but I did not whine or plead with him and did not lovebust by yelling and screaming like I wanted to do...I did all that while he was gone...in the midst of all my CLEANING....

Check with someone to verify he is still alive and not in jail. After that go find something to keep you occupied. If you need something t/d, you can come over my house and help me work on my side yard. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I am sure there are better things for you t/d.

Don't try to teach a WS anything. They are not capable of learning. Save that for your H.

L.

are you around?

let us know how you are, ok?

Bump...hoping to hear from you.

Mimi: how in the world did you survive this? How did you put up with this? How long did he go to the OW's for the weekend? I wish I had your strength. What made him come back to you? I would love to hear your story. I'm feeling at the end of my rope. I feel VERY defeated right now.

I did hear from my husband on Thursday. He called my cell phone and left me a message and he also sent me an e-mail earlier that day around noon. Here's his e-mail - nothing special:

"Not sure if you are checking e-mail, but I wanted to let you know that my phone is dead. I'm not sure if you went to _____________(friend's house) or if you are there now, but my phone pretty much died last night and then I forgot to e-mail earlier. I didn't have a chance to call Tuesday. I was at the King of Prussia mall for 2 1/2 hours - that place is huge. Unfortunately I didn't really find what I was looking for but I got a few things for him. Probably more expensive than I should have paid, but oh well. I didn't get to the motel in Millersburg until 10:30 Tues night. And oh by the way, this is the place that doesn't have phones in the room!! Anyway, let me know where you are and what your plans are. I'll be stopping back in the office tonight when I get back and I'm not sure when I'll be home for good. I may stop home, change, unload my car and then stop in the office."


So, he did explain why he didn't call me, but I guess if he really wanted to he would have. I'm just trying to be hopeful.

I stayed at my friend's house Thursday night and I got home Friday night. He was still at work when I got home. He seemed fine with me that night.

We get along fine. I guess we're friends. But, that's not what I want. I have enough friends. I want my husband.

I am having a really bad night. My WH told me he was going into the office tonight. I think he left around 6:30. My gut told me not to believe him. I went to the grocery store with my son and then I drove by his office. His car was not there; I just knew it wasn't going to be. I drove to the OW's apartment and his car was there. I just left the parking lot and cried all the way home.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't share my husband anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired of crying.

A friend of mine keeps telling me I need to get aggressive and I need to get a backbone and she is right. I don't know how to do that. I don't know what I'm afraid of. She keeps telling me that I need to stand up for myself and stop being a doormat and I agree with her 100%. But, I don't know how to change myself. When it's not in your nature or part of your personality, it's hard to change. How did all of you get up the nerve to stand up for yourself? I should have tried to get into her apartment (you have to be buzzed in) and told both of them off, but instead I drove home crying. I should have called him on his cell phone and told him to come home, but I didn't.

I feel like he's slipping further and further away each day and I don't know what to do.

Can anyone give me any help? Any advice on how to get tough? It's absolutely killing me knowing that he is over there with her.

I'm at a loss.........

I'm sorry this has happened to you. It probably won't make you feel any better to know that he is following the typical WS script, but he is. He's no different from any other WS - from any other addict.

How long have you been in Plan A?
Mulan

It actually does make me feel better that he is a typical WS, I guess.

It's hard to say how long I've been in Plan A actually. I found out my marriage was in trouble in May. I started making personal changes in May and June. I realized that I had made a lot of mistakes and I was learning from them. I was really working hard to save my marriage. However, I didn't know about this site yet, so I didn't really know I was in Plan A. During this time, I also did a lot of crying, begging, pleading, etc...I did everything he wanted. I didn't expose, etc...I really didn't follow Plan A because I didn't know what it was. I was making personal changes though and my WH did notice them. He just said it didn't really make a difference (probably because he still has contact with OW).

I started exposing the Sunday after Thanksgiving and I haven't begged, cried or pleaded in a while. So, I really don't know when I started Plan A. It was either the end of May or the end of November? I feel like I've been living this nightmare forever.

What are your thoughts?

not that it makes your situation any better...but i'm living proof that it certainly can be much worse

there may be nmany strong people here...but there are also many people who are lost, scared, and broken hearted just like you