I am considering moving back into my house. I have not discussed this with my husband yet. I know that I just sent him a good bye letter but the stress of commuting and living between two houses is getting the best of me. If he decides to move out that is fine. I have decided that I need to make things easier for myself. I have not decided what I am going to do about my marriage yet. I am meeting with my spiritual guidance counselor and my attorney this week just to weigh my options.

I spent this weekend praying and fasting and God has not told me anything different. He has not told me to file for divorce. I asked him again to intervene in my situation. I'm not sure what he will reveal to me. I feel more at peace and whatever the outcome, I am ready. My attitude has changed about this situation. I realized that I can't let this get the best of me. It has really taken a toll on me and I had to release it. I have completely turned this over to God.

The WS is babbling and your H is scared for his life. You can see that he isn't being himself.

The A does strange things to our loved ones. Mine told our elders (they came over within 24 hours of d/d), he told them he knew it was wrong (obviously) but that he wasn't sorry for what he was doing and would not stop.


I was shocked and quite upset. The elders who knew H from his teens were equally shocked and disappointed. Yet they knew the pattern and while their objective was to help, they refused to help the WS. They only choose to help H who at that time wasn't around. So in our case, H was disfellowshipped and his return/recovery is still a work in progress.

My point is like yourself, you have to realize that you do not need to give up your life for the WS. Instead move back home and protect what belongs to you and your family. That's right protect it from the WS who is a ragin maniac.

Protect it and if your H chooses to return, he will have a family to return to. If you decide to protect it and have the D, that w/b your choice and no one would fault you for it.

You will continue to see sightings of your H. His actions will confuse himself and others around him.

It is good his family is providing you with support. Work with them and tell them you appreciate their support for you know it is hard to know how to deal with a WS. Let them know about what you have read and if they want to come here and it is ok with you, we can help them also.

Right now I am working with H's family who is providing support to BIL and NOT H's WS sister. So I understand about family's supporting the BS.

I would also let my supporters know that I will listen to their suggestions and then ask them to respect your decisions because you are not able to tell all to all. RE: Not all can handle all info and you shouldn't be telling all to everyone anyway. Even so, they can know enough to provide you with support.

Hope this helps,
L.

I called my husband yesterday to let him know that I was thinking about moving back. We decided to meet tomorrow. He said that if we are going to get a separation or divorce then we need to make a decision. I asked him why he said "if" because I thought that the divorce was what he wanted. He said it was and that we just needed to talk about it. Are there any thoughts on how I should prepare for this meeting?

minwife, the "best" advice I can give you is to prepare yourself with Scripture. Do not argue and fight with your husband, let the clear Word of God speak for God. The FACT that is clear from the Word of God is that unrepentant adulterers WILL NOT be in heaven and are therefore destined for He11 and NOT saved. Prepare to tell him that your primary concern for him is the "condition of his soul" and that you will continue loving him despite anything that he does, but you will not live with someone who is defiantly sinning against God.

Make it clear, in a loving way, that the "line" is WITH God or WITHOUT God for you as the PRIMARY concern and that if it requires you to sacrifice your marriage, you will still stand with God simply because you have no other choice that honors the sacrifice that Jesus Christ made for us.

God bless.

Thanks again for all of your support and prayers. My marriage has come to an end. I met with my husband today and told him that I was standing for my marriage. He said okay if that's what you want to do. I am filing for divorce. He is seeing someone else. He says that it is a different person from the original affair. This person is a member at our church. She also asked me a few months ago if I knew of any men that I could set her up with. I was so naive in trying to help her find a mate when she already had her eyes on my husband.

I am absolutely, positively certain that this is what God wants me to do. This man apparently has never loved me and obviously does not have any respect for me. I deserve so much more than this. He said that he has been praying but his attitude does not reflect that.

I am moving back home until the divorce is final. He will probably move out and that is fine with me but I could never have imagined that someone could be so mean. It hurts to know that there are so many wonderful people who are praying for spouses who don't appreciate them. I admire the people who have the strength to keep standing for months and years for a spouse who could be so cruel. I pray that these wayward spouses will realize the pain that they are causing their spouse. It is so disappointing to know that people walk away from their spouses and children because of their own selfish reasons.

After what God has revealed to me today, I am certain that this is the right decision for me.

Thanks again to all of you!!

You should expose this OW at church and let the church deal with her and WH both from a christian/church "standpoint". Both should get help from the pastor, deacons, etc and if they will not give up their active affair should be asked to leave the church.

You sound so much better than you did when you came here. Regardless of how this ultimately turns out (and it isn't over even though it seems that way) God is going to stand by you and protect you.

(((((minwife)))))

How well I understand the pain and the way you feel. I would venture that all Betrayed Spouses have felt the same way and been tempted to remove the source of the pain from their lives.

However, if you also truly believe what you said in the above quotation, then you must STAND for ALL of God as has been revealed to us in the Scripture.



Here is where I get "righteous anger" and tell you that you are REQUIRED by God to involve the leadership of your church in this matter. Matthew 18:15-20 is NOT a suggestion. It is a command from Jesus to believers. It begins with the one who has been "sinned against," and it progresses to the "full membership of believers" as part of their accountability to each other and to God.

While you have the God granted right to a divorce because of your husband's adultery, I would urge you to "not get ahead of God." As painful as it may feel, WAIT on the Lord, wait for the entire process of Matthew 18:15-20 to work on your husband, wait even beyond that if you believe that your husband is a backslidden believer and never did truly believe in Jesus Christ as his personal Savior and Lord.

You can, and it is consistant with Matthew 18:15-20 and Titus 3:10-11, establish a "Plan B" separation from your husband to both protect yourself and to give God time to either convict him of his sin or reveal him as a "false" believer who NEVER was saved.




Be certain that this IS God speaking to you and not Satan whispering in your ear that "God didn't really mean what He said."

God bless.

I will wait on God. However, my husband is in the process of filing for divorce. He is certain that he does not want to be with me. He is so mean to me and for no reason has so much anger. I am very kind to him and he talks to me like he never knew me. At this point I feel that I am just waiting until the divorce is final. He told me that the marriage is over and he has not changed his mind about how he feels for me. He does not want to be with me anymore and he does not know why I don't understand this. He does not feel any remorse for what he is doing. He feels justified in what he is doing. He thinks this is the best thing for him. He even says that he is praying. He has this book of God's promises that he has been reading every day. Apparently the other woman is helping him to restore his relationship with God. He obviously does not need me for anything.

I have to suffer the pain of seeing the other woman at church on Sundays. No one else is suffering but me. My husband is happy with his life and has moved on. It seems like the longer I stand the more I have to suffer. Does God really want me to suffer like this?

Why does your church allow admitted adulterer to come to church and act like everything is great and right with the world? AND why do you choose to attend a church that would allow this without confrontation?

(((((minwife))))) - The obvious answer is "no." Sometimes God allows things to happen for reasons that are not apparent to us while we are going through them, and sometimes we may never no the "why" until we are with the Lord in heaven. BUT we do know that God is not the author of sin and evil and that we have His promise that He is with us even as we endure the evils that befall us. This is the "attitude" that Job "modeled" for us, in that no matter what happens in our lives God remains the same God who DIED for us while we ourselves were lost in our own sins and totally separated from Him.


You did not really respond my last post to you, so I am going to reiterate some of it because this IS part of God's plan to help you through this time of trial and tribulation in your life.




That "No one else is suffering but me " tells me either the other "brothers and sisters" in your church are unaware of the affair (seems unlikely if both you, your husband AND the OW are attending the same church) or the "culture" of your church is decidedly NOT one that believes in the Scriptures. If it is the latter, then you need to leave that church and find one that does.

In addition, it is OBVIOUS that the leadership of the church, beginning with the Pastor, do NOT believe in the authority of Scripture either, or are so "weak" that they should not be in a position of leadership.

A church leadership DOES NOT ALLOW willful blatant sin against God's commands to go "unanswered" and "tolerated" within the body of believers. FAILURE to confront blantant, willful, sin with God's clear commands is DANGEROUS for both the sinner and the body.

Let me make it perfectly clear. God's COMMAND for "church discipline" is contained in Matthew 18:15-20. As with all of God's command, "ignore them at your own peril."

Revelation speaks about churches and includes warnings to them that they really need to heed, and it sounds as though your church is in need of some warning.

That your husband wants to "reinterpret Scripture" to allow him to sin is "understandable" because Sin and Scripture are incompatible. Those are God's commands, not suggestions. Those are God's rules, and God, not us, is Sovereign. It DOES NOT MATTER if we "like" something that God has said or not, our ONLY responsibility as a believer, saved by the GRACE of God, is to OBEY God's commands.



For a Christian to NOT feel remorse when they are made aware of blatant sin that they are committing against God is indicative that they DO NOT have the Holy Spirit indwelling them. IF they do not have the Holy Spirit, they are NOT saved and ARE a child of SATAN, not a child of God. It IS that "plain and simple."



Justified by whom? Certain NOT justified by God. "Thou shalt NOT commit adultery" is God's "position" on adultery in general and in your husband's actions in particular. So his "justification" is NOT from God. A Christian who is not justified by God is NOT justified. Period.



The mind of man. Here is the "best" thing for him no matter what he "thinks" or "feels."

Jesus replied, [color:"red"]"If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me." [/color] (John 14:23-24, emphasis added)

Someone asked him, "Lord, are only a few people going to be saved?"
He said to them, [color:"red"]"Make every effort to enter through the narrow door, because many, [/b]I tell you[/b], will try to enter and will not be able to. Once the owner of the house gets up and closes the door, you will stand outside knocking and pleading, 'Sir, open the door for us.'
"But he will answer, 'I don't know you or where you come from.'
"Then you will say, 'We ate and drank with you, and you taught in our streets.'
"But he will reply, 'I don't know you or where you come from. Away from me you evildoers!'
"There will be weeping there, and gnashing of teeth, when you see Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and all the prophets in the kingdom of God, but you yourselves thrown out. [/color] (Luke 13:23-28, emphasis added)



That may make him feel better, if he REALLY is praying. But God does not hear the prayers of the wicked. God hears the prayers of the faithful who pray for God's will to be done in their lives, not for God's "blessing" of evil and outright contempt for God's commands and teaching. THEY are deluded and will be found "knocking at the door," thinking that they "earned" a place in heaven by "going through the motions" of what "looks like" a Christian should. The "action, or act, of prayer" may impress other human onlookers, but it does nothing for God. God does NOT need our prayers. We are commanded to pray for our own benefit, not for God's benefit. God looks into our hearts for truth, not the vile twistings that spew from our mouths when we are wrapped up in unrepentent sin.



It's wonderful that he has such a book. But God's promises are ONLY for the faithful, not for the faithful, unless it is God's promise that the unsaved, unrepentant, followers of Satan WILL be in eternal punishment in He11 and WILL NOT be with God in heaven.




Let's get this straight, a woman who is an adultress and actively involved in adultery with your husband is going to try to help someone "restore their relationship with God?" Are you kidding? How insane and ludicrous is that?

The "blind" attempting to lead the "blind!"

Here is how you help some who IS a Christian that has fallen into sin to restore his/her relationship with God...repent of the sin and leave it. This is precisely WHY Jesus gave us Matthew 18:15-20.

As Cain asked God, "Am I my brothers' keeper?" Yes we are, and we cannot turn a blind eye to sin that endangers our brother.

minwife, have you met with the Pastor and the Elders of your church and exposed what is going on with your husband and with this other woman in the church? Have you asked for the leadership to take a stand for God and for the body in upholding church discipline as instructed in Matthew 18?

If not, do it immediately. If there is any response other than "As for us and our house, we will OBEY the Lord," leave and find another church that does not "play" at being followers of Christ.

God bless.

Minwife-

Your thread confuses me sometimes. Its probably me, but it does. My wife had an affair with a minister who did work in the church. Once discovered, I went to the pastor and the wayward minister was put on probation by the higher authorities in the church with a directive to work on the marriage or lose his ministry. Eventually, the church authorities recognized that things were not getting better and they, without warning, de-ordained (if that is the right word) him.

The church leadership made that decision and no one has questioned it other than the de-ordained minister. Obviously, this is not your situation and I do not want to say that what happened in my situation was the only correct action. But, I am still confused by what is happening in your situation and church.

Maduro

minwife - here is something you may want to print out and give to your husband to read as he prepares to pray to God for guidance.


"My son, pay attention to my wisdom, listen well to my words of insight, that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve knowledge.

For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword.

Her feet go down fo death; her steps lead straight to the grave. She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths are crooked, but she knows it not.

Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, lest you give your best strength to others and your years to one who is cruel, lest strangers feast on your wealth and your toil enrich another man's house.

At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh and body are spent. You will say, "How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction! I would not obey my teachers or listen to my instructors. I have come to the brink of utter ruin in the midst of the whole assembly."

Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well.

Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers.

May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer - mayh her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

Why be captivated, my son, by and adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife?

For a man's ways are in full view of the LORD, and he examines all his paths.

The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him; the cords of his sin hold him fast. He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly." (Proverbs 5, emphasis added)

Minwife:

Let me address the "secular" side of what you're suffering.

Your husband is having an affair. Biochemically speaking, an affair triggers very powerful brain chemistry that mimics the high (and low) of drug addiction. Simply put, your husband is acting like an addict. And being married to an addict is no picnic either---it's a rollercoaster. The addict will seem sweet and loving one minute, repentant the next, and then a monster that you don't recognize. In dealing with affairs, you must be aware that it will be an emotional rollercoaster for you, and you do your best if you "act", and not react. Be the thermostat, not a thermometer.

You need to figure your "fight" for this marriage is going to last a while. More than a month. Or two. Probably you should figure on 6-12 months. You need a plan---and Marriagebuilders offers a very good one (and the Harley's are not only terrific behavioral psychologists and marriage counselors, they're devout Christians as well). You have essentially exposed the affair to your husband, your husband's coworkers, and hopefully to his family as well. That's good---it's part of the MB plan. There are other issues that you might want to consider addressing---and I would suggest that you call or email the Harley's for phone counseling (888-639-1639 for appointments, if it's still the same...).

I would certainly suggest that you stay in your home. That you read about Plan A (and B) in Surviving an Affair, and learn about specifics from the phone counseling. I would offer that you should be in a plan A right now---even though your husband isn't responding the way you would like, he needs to see that you are committed to the marriage and a safe haven for him. His affair is likely to end badly (affairs are based on fantasy and rarely survive long after exposure to the light of day). As with any addict, he will crash after his drug of choice has been taken from him. He will lash out at you, and he will be depressed beyond belief in those moments of clarity where he can see what he has done himself. At some point after, he needs to realize what he has done---and he may come back to you if he realizes your steadfast, faithful, non-reactive love for him and your willingness to stand for the marriage under these tremendous pressures.

God loves you very much. He doesn't enjoy your suffering, but he sent his son to us in part to demonstrate to us how to deal with suffering, pain, and injustice. You need to use Jesus's faith and love as a template for your actions right now---you can be loving to your husband without condoning one iota of his behavior. It's a difficult path that you're on now. I believe it will be more difficult for your husband, eventually. You're a victim in this, he's the perpetrator. But you can get through this---this is no different a situation than the millions of affairs before this.

Give the Harley's a call. They will be very helpful. And as a practical piece of advice, I would suggest not educating your husband with scripture right now. Let your church elders do this, but your educating him will come across poorly. He's not ready to hear the word of God.

(((((minwife)))))


Has the pastor been told about this new person? has your husband and this woman been taken before the church? Whether you want to end the church or not, you do have a duty as a Christian to report this!!


Report her.


God does NOT hear prayers from those in rebellion to Him. He does not hear your husband! He can pray all day...but it will do him no good. I will say it again...God will never hear prayers from those in rebellion to Him. He only hears the prayers of those that follow Him and live in obedience.

On is divorce what God wants. Minwife, please listen to me. God does not want you to divorce your husband. He doesnt. God said in Malachi "I hate divorce." All divorces. For all reasons! He is the God of reconciliation, of second chances.

That being said, He does understand where you are at. And He has "allowd" you to divorce if you choose. But I want to tell you something someone told me early on in my situation. He told me that if I was waiting for God to tell me to divorce my wife, I would be waiting a long time. Because God will not tell me to divorce her. It is my choice to do so...not His. He does not choose divorce. And God will never tell you to divorce your husband. He will allow it. You will not be held in violation of His law because of it. But a divorce is NOT His will!

I found that I could have divorced my wife at any time during my mess...and I would have been okay. God would have provided me a new life. But by divorcing, by taking the easier and wider path...I would have also missed out on many blessings that He had for me if I would just trust Him and follow the narrow path. Sure, it has been hard. Extremely hard. I have made it half as far as Hosea did. And I have found many, many blessings that I would never have gotten if I took the easy way out. And...He also rewarded my obedience and suffering with my wife returning.


It is. Please do not give up the prayers here for your husband. And please do not hesitate to to take all of this to the church and ask for church discipline to be enforced. God has a way of dealing with all of this. He outlined it in Scripture. Please make sure you continue to follow what He has said.


I think God may be telling you to separate. That is Biblical! He may be trying to get you out of the way, as He begins to work on your husband. To save you from the pain that he is inflicting upon you. And to save you from the pain of seeing what God is about to lay on your husband. it aint gonna be pretty!

But, again, I do know that God does not want divorces. He allows them, in your case. If you cannot make it, then its okay. But I wouldnt be in a rush to divorce right now, if I were you. Separation and letting the Lord do His work may yield results you never thought of.

But if you rashly head out and divorce, you may miss out on many blessings that you will receive from Him by going thru this valley with Him.

And you also will be helping to save a man who is in a seriously bad position with God. Your husband is in grave danger. God is deadly serious about these things.

Please think about these things, Minwife. I will continue my prayers.

How can she restore his realtionship with God. God is against both of them!! They are having NOTHING to do with God!


No you do not!!! Go to the church leadership and give them the info and make sure they start doing Biblical discipline as outlined in Matthew. If they dont? Then they also will be in violation of Scripture and the Lord will not be pleased with them.[/quote]

No one else is suffering but me. My husband is happy with his life and has moved on. It seems like the longer I stand the more I have to suffer. Does God really want me to suffer like this? [/quote]

He doesnt want you to suffer. But unfortunately, due to your husband's choices, you must. Even if you leave and divorce him, there is suffering. But God promised you that He would take care of you. "Sometimes He calms the storm...sometimes He calms His child in the storm." You have to trust Him, Minwife.

My husband filed for divorce on Feb. 1. This was the most emotional day for both of us. He apologized for everything that he put me through. He said that he feels numb and is having a hard time processing his emotions. He is not happy but hopes that he will be happier as time goes on. He does not understand how I could still want him after everything that he has done to me. I told him that God has allowed me to forgive him. It seems that he is taking this harder than I am. He said that this whole experience has been very difficult for him. He said that he just did not want to work on the marriage. He did not give any other explanation so I left it at that. I have done everything that I can do and sometimes God's answer is "no". So, by April 1 I will be officially divorced. I am looking forward to what God has for me. I do not regret the stand that I took for my marriage. I will walk away knowing that I tried everything to save my marriage.

I suggest you talk to your pastor about the adulteress attending your church. Someone needs to stand up to this sin that is going on right during church services.

Minwife,

In addition to believer's suggestion (they definitely need to be outed at church), I would suggest that you continue to stand for the marriage. This affair is going perfectly according to script---and the bottom line is that if you are willing to forgive and work in recovery, this marriage is more than salvagable.

1. Call the Harleys. They will help you with a plan.

2. Your husband will call the Harley's. That's always part of the plan.

3. Wait it out. Do nothing to assist with the divorce. Your husband is looking for the lowest energy way to deal with this mess of his, and you should "help" him to exert the most energy possible to "earn" his divorce. Not to slither away.

I'll pray for you and your marriage. God bless.

I'm not sure what has happened with my husband and his ministry. I know that he is still on staff but my husband is also very good at downplaying his involvement with the other woman. He has probably told the pastor that it is not as serious as I am making it seem. He probably told the pastor that they are just friends. I have mentioned it to the pastor but I have not heard anything else about it since then. He may be doing something behing the scenes with my husband that I am not aware of. My husband would never tell me that the pastor has talked to him. I have been very low key lately because I don't want to be embarrassed by all of this. The key people have been informed of the situation but I'm not sure what has happened. I know that he still has his job but I'm not sure if he still has his ministry. It is very exhausting to continue to fight this battle. I am trying to focus on healing myself. My husband's mind is made up and now that he has initiated the divorce then there isn't anything else that I can do. I have received the copy of the divorce papers and a waiver that needs to be signed so that I do not have to be served papers. My next step is to sign the papers and have them filed at the courthouse. I will comply. My husband thinks that he wants this and there is nothing else that I can do. I will just have to go along with the process.

What I have realized is that no matter what I do, the end result is going to be the same. If God wants me to be with my husband, he will put us together. If God takes my husband away then he has a better plan for me. I continue to pray for my husband and our marriage. I pray that God's will be done. I know that God knows what is best for both of us.

Listen to K. He is an expert. You will feel much better if you continue standing for your marriage. Do not be embarrassed. God HATES divorce.