Sis, go off the defense. There is nothing that you need to say about this. If the kids wanna hang out with the IL's kids, ask one of the IL's to come and get them and have them back by such and such a time. The boys are related to this family, and should be allowed to hang out.

YOU don't have to go, or see them or talk to them. As long as the boys are not KEPT from anything that they want or even NEED right now.

People don't look beyond themselves most times to see what damage may be done to someone else by their decisions. The IL's probably don't really know what you are suffering right now; how can they? Just set up the boundaries and ENFORCE upon breach. Otherwise, just say no, simply, no malice.

MAYBE you are stronger than you think???? Jesus girl you are unbelievable. I read your story every day and TRULY are in awe and admiration of your strength. You have absolutely no reason to ever doubt yourself in that department.

Don't be afraid. You know we are here to hold your hand.

I can feel myself getting anxious again now that the crickets have fled the scene. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I've heard some great advice; let me clarify a few things and then respond.

I was NOT thinking pre-emptively--no!! Just in RESPONSE to a call from SIL..."hi, since the kids are out doing XYZ, how about if I stop by and we can catch up?" I do not want to be rude. I don't want to blow her off. I would like to be honest with her about why I don't really want to have a conversation. It will hurt me too much.

That's where I was coming from. A "no, thank you" seems abrupt. ??? Am I rationalizing?? Maybe "no, I appreciate you calling, but I don't think it's a good idea for me right now?"

Luckily, WH has the boys this weekend (how they are all going to fit in that house I have no idea), so the likelihood of any "request" for me to host the kids is practically nil.

So I'm thinking that something along the lines of "no, I appreciate you calling, but I don't think it's a good idea for me right now" is the best...??

True. Not preachy. Maintains a boundary. Respectful of the intent of the gesture.

See, this is too much drama. I'd like to resolve this and end the discussion...not to be bossy or anything.

ETA: and since WH has the kids this weekend, and I am willing to work with him on the issue of Mem Day itself, there will be no issue with me impeding any cousin time.

The IL's? No, they are not thinking that you are hurting.
WH's does a constant sales pitch on how **OK** everyone is doing. I wouldn't be surprised if he planted the idea that you're moving on and seeing someone.
Cuz it takes the heat off of him....

ahhh...

if SIL calls -- just be busy.

"gosh, so sorry, all booked up! hope you have fun while you're here!"

In this message, you are telling a woman why you do not wish to have a relationship with her by divulging your innermost thoughts

Can you see the problem here?

If you do not want a relationship with a person ... say only what needs to be said, when it is necessary, with as few intimate details as possible.

The message as you wrote it .... invites her INTO your head/heart.

no no no

Hope this helps.

and maybe a little hopeful manipulation that maybe she'll see the error of her ways and give WH the bashing he deserves?????

I like that one...very vague....yet respectful

Pep, it does help.

Composing that helped ME, though, to understand my own boundary and the WHY of it.

So, if you TAKE AWAY the fact that it will EVER be stated to anyone...is it a correct boundary?? I'm trying to understand a boundary in itself...for MYSELF. Not to state to someone else...but for ME.

So does that boundary pass muster?

(FWIW...I have enjoyed having an SIL relationship with her in the past, but given the circumstances, I don't think it is strong enough to withstand the heat.)

Yup, "I'm sorry, but I'm pretty busy this weekend, but thanks for asking.." something like that. No emotional statments. Just sorry can't make it's.

kinda like writing the letter, getting it all out, but never sending it?

Very healthy to do.

Gets it all out without putting it all out there!

If you needed permission to NOT see SIL, consider it granted (by YOU!)

Plan B beauty = not having to explain yourself to infidel or his family

silence speaks loudly

Okay. Case closed. Anxiety averted. Thoughts processed.

Mission accomplished.

I don't need to explain myself...and I can decline without being rude or abrupt. My silence (or in this case, scarcity of words, and of myself for that matter) will speak for itself.

NOW...off to plant some containers and mow the front. Boys will be returned home at 8:30. Three hours of hands in the dirt. Sounds good.

I want the crickets to come back. The birds chirpping are nice, too.

You know what, Sis? Ya did good!! You wrote it to "get it out there" and you processed your own boundary and reasons for you. Then you came here and discovered you don't need to give a REASON, you can just say, "Gee, I'm sorry! I'm not able to do that! Hope you have a nice visit" and carry on with your day and your life.

I am SOOOOO proud of you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> GOOD JOB!!!!

Hey--wanna join Rin in having a "LilSis" Night? She's been feeling a little tired, run down, overwhelmed with it all...so I suggested she take some time just for herself to do something SHE enjoys. You wanna do that too? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Your mama bee,



CJ

Hi back Sis!

Good job as always. You came here and had us critique something your inner voice was telling you not to send. But a part of you wanted to. Else, you would have just sent it. And its understandable and very normal for where you're at in this.

I continue to be in admiration of your open-mindedness in hearing what isn't easy to hear or moreover, agree with. Its just amazing to me after all you've been thru.

Jo

My pastor spoke of this at church this weekend. He just returned from Africa (his homeland) and he spoke of the jungles there where the trees grow 200-300 feet in the air and their tops are so massive that they cover everything underneath. It seemed impossible that any sun or rain could penetrate through the thick covering.

Yet... there are small tree sapling growing everywhere near the ground. His revelation about this was that even when we’re surrounded by the seemingly impossible darkness, and we feel so small and worthless, God can still reach us, nourish us and we can grow into strong towering trees, despite our surroundings or our circumstances.

Heck you don't even have to answer! I don't know what it is... but we are trained that when a phone rings or someone knocks we MUST answer... (remembering all the movie scenes where people trip all over themselves to get to the phone or the door... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

I have learned as I've gotten older <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> that nope, I don't have to answer anything if I don't feel like it.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LilSis,

Look at you grow! Like the wisteria tree you planted!
Do not worry about what all your IL's think, do what is right for you. Worrying about what everyone thinks of "your silence" is letting Miss P out of the cage. Who cares what they think, plan B is for you!
If the boys want to see their cousins, let them see them. You can be "wallpaper" just the same.
Make some interim plans for yourself, watch old movies, reread a great book, then look forward to having your boys home. Happy to see them, happy to be their mom. Ask no questions, except "Did you have a good time?"

I admire you, you have so much to offer!

PGA

Wow! Thanks, everyone! I do feel better. Not long ago I would have spent DAYS agonizing over this. Today--today!--I put it out there as something I will probably have to deal with in the near future, dealt with it, got the advice that I needed, and went on with my day!

My front yard is mowed (at angles!), the impatiens are planted around the mailbox, the two large containers are planted in the back, and I have a list of the additional items I will need to finish up the flower boxes up on the front porch. I've also determined the patches in the yard that need to be re-sodded.

The boys should be home any minute. I'm going to make myself scarce. With the car in the driveway, there's no question that I'm home.

Tomorrow night is the concert; mom is coming so we can enjoy the afternoon, have dinner, and then go to the concert. I'll deal with all of that as it comes, but I feel much more confident knowing my mom will be there to run interference if needed.

I'll make plans with her for the weekend...my sister is off and it is her birthday, so maybe the three of us can go out for a celebration.

Hands in the dirt and the birds chirpping.

Life is good.

AT ANGLES!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> We're not worthy!!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />