Member
Reged: 06/20/06
Posts: 265
Loc: Texas Re: Taking responsibility for A on both WS & BS part? [Re: lilmom]
#3204439 - 03/16/07 10:06 AM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply
lilmom, wounded (damaged/broken) is the best way I can describe it.
I'm not sure why but reading today's posts makes me feel like warmed over sh*t today. Sometimes I read through threads and see the vehemence, anger and bitterness aimed at waywards and I hate that I'm in that category. I've taken it all in, knowing I and other waywards deserve every bit of it. Yeah, so I'm "reformed" does that put my back into my prior-A category. No, I'm still a rung or two lower than the rest of the faithful.
I did not start out life as a morally bankrupt person. I didn't get married as a morally bankrupt person. Most of my life, save those few months I was wayward, I had very high moral standards. I might as well have been a psycopathic adulterer from day one for all the good it did me. Because that's how so many will view and define us always.
WW, FWW...whatever, I might as well wear a scarlet letter.
Why does it feel like the sum total of who I am can be defined by the period of time I was a WW. Discounting the years and years prior that I "thought" I was basically a decent person. The worst thing I've ever done is all of what defines me. I hate it. I think, what if people around me knew, they just think I'm so perfect but I'm just a fake!
sorry for the vent...
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FWW - 38 (me) (2 LD EA's, Jan-May '06)
BH - 40 (him)
Dday - May 22, 2006
DD's 11 & 4
M 17 yrs
recovered, grateful, immense respect for my DH
my history:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID= Post Extras:
rockbottom06
Member
Reged: 12/05/06
Posts: 263
Loc: Michigan Re: Taking responsibility for A on both WS & BS part? [Re: MomtoAandZ]
#3204451 - 03/16/07 10:13 AM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply
Quote:
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lilmom, wounded (damaged/broken) is the best way I can describe it.
I'm not sure why but reading today's posts makes me feel like warmed over sh*t today. Sometimes I read through threads and see the vehemence, anger and bitterness aimed at waywards and I hate that I'm in that category. I've taken it all in, knowing I and other waywards deserve every bit of it. Yeah, so I'm "reformed" does that put my back into my prior-A category. No, I'm still a rung or two lower than the rest of the faithful.
I did not start out life as a morally bankrupt person. I didn't get married as a morally bankrupt person. Most of my life, save those few months I was wayward, I had very high moral standards. I might as well have been a psycopathic adulterer from day one for all the good it did me. Because that's how so many will view and define us always.
WW, FWW...whatever, I might as well wear a scarlet letter.
Why does it feel like the sum total of who I am can be defined by the period of time I was a WW. Discounting the years and years prior that I "thought" I was basically a decent person. The worst thing I've ever done is all of what defines me. I hate it. I think, what if people around me knew, they just think I'm so perfect but I'm just a fake!
sorry for the vent...
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I can relate to you MOM. Being a FWH I always feel like I have to defend myself. It's also very tough not to feel like a hypocrite to my FWW.It's rough. (sorry to TJ)
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Me-BS/FWH -41
WW/ BS - 40
D-Day Oct 08 2006
My D-Day Oct 23 1994
2 DDs (5 & 12)
Married 17 yrs
Together 24 yrs
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mkeverydaycnt
Member
Reged: 09/21/05
Posts: 2458
Re: Taking responsibility for A on both WS & BS part? [Re: MomtoAandZ]
#3204458 - 03/16/07 10:25 AM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply
I don't think FWS are a rung lower in any way. Not even one bit. WS... yes... FWS, I have told many here how proud I was of them for the work they have done to fix themselves and their families.
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Have a nice day unless you have made other plans!
Some people kiss with their eyes closed. Too bad they marry the same way.
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MomtoAandZ
Member
Reged: 06/20/06
Posts: 265
Loc: Texas Re: Taking responsibility for A on both WS & BS part? [Re: rockbottom06]
#3204462 - 03/16/07 10:27 AM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply
Quote:
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I can relate to you MOM. Being a FWH I always feel like I have to defend myself. It's also very tough not to feel like a hypocrite to my FWW.It's rough. (sorry to TJ)
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I can certainly understand that. I've often thought about what if my DH had a revenge affair or something like that, or possibly something in his past that I know nothing about. (I'm paranoid that way...). Would I even have the right to be upset about it?
I wouldn't use the word defend though. There's no defense for having an A (I don't think that's what you meant anyway). Some people are just completely amoral from the get go and no matter how perfect their spouse was they would've strayed, sure. But that's not me, I'm guessing not you either. There's no defense, but certainly there are factors that contributed to an environment where I was more vulnerable to making bad choices.
It sucks to have to carry the label forever. Even if it's not an actual scarlet letter on the outside, WE KNOW IT'S THERE. It's on the inside of us, forever.
Apologies to the original poster for going a little OT...
--------------------
FWW - 38 (me) (2 LD EA's, Jan-May '06)
BH - 40 (him)
Dday - May 22, 2006
DD's 11 & 4
M 17 yrs
recovered, grateful, immense respect for my DH
my history:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID= Post Extras:
new_beginningII
Member
Reged: 01/09/06
Posts: 829
Re: Taking responsibility for A on both WS & BS part? [Re: MomtoAandZ]
#3204479 - 03/16/07 10:39 AM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply
Quote:
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I did not start out life as a morally bankrupt person. I didn't get married as a morally bankrupt person. Most of my life, save those few months I was wayward, I had very high moral standards. I might as well have been a psycopathic adulterer from day one for all the good it did me. Because that's how so many will view and define us always.
sorry for the vent...
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You are not alone. (((((((((A-Z))))))))))) Venting is sometimes necessary!
You know what? I arrived here in 1999, as a recently Wayward trying to recover my marriage. I had been a BS in the marriage, in fact, several times, but you know what? It often *feels like* there is NOTHING worse in the world than a woman who has cheated.
A man who cheats is a dog, a cad, or some other "boys will be boys" term... but a woman?... she's a s1ut, a wh0re, a skank... and I have been called all of those things, by my ex and some people on this site... back in the day, I mean. (My infidelity lasted for several months back in early 1999.)
Like you, it does NOT define me.
And also like you, I was an upstanding, moral, loving wife and mother... until I wasn't. And since then I've worked like h3ll to gain back my self-respect and honour. It's been a VERY tough road, because for me, I made a lot of life-changing choices during my withdrawl and subsequent healing...
Anyway, just wanted to chime in... and say... I made the most horrible choice once, back in 1999, and I regret that. But I am not the same person now. I wasn't he same person before. I snapped, I reacted, I have suffered for my choices during that time.
And now, I heal. Another choice.
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The Will to Do, The Soul to Dare ~ Sir Walter Scott
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MomtoAandZ
Member
Reged: 06/20/06
Posts: 265
Loc: Texas Re: Taking responsibility for A on both WS & BS part? [Re: mkeverydaycnt]
#3204485 - 03/16/07 10:42 AM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply
Quote:
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I don't think FWS are a rung lower in any way. Not even one bit. WS... yes... FWS, I have told many here how proud I was of them for the work they have done to fix themselves and their families.
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I wasn't pointing to anyone in particular. Reading the posts today was kind of a "straw that broke the camel's back" in terms of what I have been feeling all along when I read comments about waywards from BS's. I'm certainly not saying any BS doesn't have a right to feel the way they do. We were horrible, we did something truly awful and really, justifiably unforgiveable (we're fortunate that we do get forgiven).
That's what causes me such anguish. That I did that. That's me (the former wayward me) they're talking about. I don't think I'll ever feel "clean" again.
Don't laugh...but, it's not you...it's me.
--------------------
FWW - 38 (me) (2 LD EA's, Jan-May '06)
BH - 40 (him)
Dday - May 22, 2006
DD's 11 & 4
M 17 yrs
recovered, grateful, immense respect for my DH
my history:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=