You had an opportunity there. As Owl said, you will have to learn to listen and not fire back.

Does that mean you have to agree with her? Hardly! If she comes out with some hard fog-babble, you dont have to just agree with her. You can, at the end of her statement, tell her that you dont agree...and then go back to your mantra of your marriage is still salvagable, that it is in the best interests of the kids and both of you, blah, blah, blah.

As long as yo uarent in Plan B, then you will need to engage your wife. By allowing her to talk, yo ucan guide her along the path. Eventually, most WSs begin to hear themselves as they talk...and realize how utterly stupid they have been!

Owl and Mortarman, I hear you. I'll think more about what you're saying. It just doesn't 'feel' right. It feels way too much like being a door mat at this point. She and the other man are way too involved. I've worked very hard to end the affair, but it just gets worse; there's no waffle. I still don't have a solid Plan B in the works yet either.

After our little talk last night, my wife ran to my daughter and told her everything. It was so inappropriate and so manipulative. I didn't find out until later today when my daughter confronted me. I did send my wife an email and here is what it said:

If you wish to carry on a conversation with me, then do not begin the conversation with insults directed at me. I will get up and walk away as I did yesterday, especially when the children are in the other room. Further, I do not wish to negotiate with you on the divorce; and such discussions should never be with the children nearby as they were yesterday. I would prefer to wait until we are in mediation with attorneys to discuss the divorce.

You have been deliberately trying to create a confrontation between yourself and me in front of the children. I can only assume your reason for doing this is with malice toward me. If you have something to discuss with me, you might consider writing me an email message instead of engaging in a hostile conversation with children nearby. I can not think of a single conversation with you since March 26 in which you did not belittle, humilate, or insult me. So, when I get up and leave the room when you begin such a conversation with an insult as you did yesterday, you now know why I will not participate.

Again, I strongly recommend to you that you seek psychiatric counseling. Dr. ******** MD psychiatrist, one of your best friends, has talked to you several times about getting help. As you know, I am seeing a psychiatrist. My doctor has assisted me in coping with your adulterous behavior; in dealing with your hostility toward me; in understanding the divorce's effects on the children; and in responding to the children's outbursts and anger. You should consider whether you would benefit from such counseling.

Overall, I agree with your email. Sending her that message is fine.

BUT...don't stoop to her use of adjectives.

The term "adulterous behavior". Well, I would agree with you, it IS adulterous. But if you're trying to get her to stop using the hostile adjectives, you need to do the same. What you're saying is "right"...but like I said, you wanna be "right" or wanna be married?

Start THINKING about what you're saying...what message you're sending with every word, with every action.

Giving it some "thought"...you'll see that she'll respond to that one phrase out of your entire email. It gives her a "chink" to focus on, rather than focusing on the actual message that you wanted her to get. If you want her to stop using hostile messages, you need to do the same thing.

Ending the conversation when/if she goes hostile is great. The conversation from yesterday hadn't gotten that far yet...you (smartly) headed it off before then. BUT...don't engage in that same behavior.

I'm sure others will tell you that using that phrase was totally valid and there was nothing wrong with it. I agree it was accurate...but in this circumstance, you deliberately threw it in there at the end of the conversation to barb her. KNOCK IT OFF

Behave with her like you want her to behave to you.

From HER perspective, your words and actions HAVE been hostile. You're angry with what she's doing, how she's hurting you. She SEES and FEELS that anger. And she's taking that as hostility aimed at HER, not just aimed at her actions.

THINK...THEN TALK.

Otherwise, just pay your lawyer to do his job and push to get that divorce sooner. Your call.

Owl, I completely agree with your post 100%; when it seems to fit what I've seen elsewhere on these MB threads. BUT, everyone talks about their wife, or wayward spouse, vascilating at least once in a while. My wife has never, NEVER, vascilated. Get this: we are still living together! Month FIVE! WHY? Why doesn't she move out? The other man is in his own house just a mile away. He's alone. I want her to move out. It kills me that she goes and f**ks him and comes home. It kills me that she says he's her soul mate and never EVER gives me anything but abuse, and she comes home.

I know I'm love busting, but it's the truth. I am coping with her adulterous behavior. It's gross, it's incredibly disrespectful, and it's violent; I feel like I'm being abused.

Update, wife tried to take our problems to a new level. She tried to fake physical abuse. It was the second time she put on an act. The first time she ran to the kids when I was talking to her about a boundary. The second time she loudly screamed, cried, clutched her chest, and then fell down. My son came running asking what happened? Calmly, I said, 'nothing happened, this is all a big show for you, your mother is emotionally disturbed.' She has no problem pulling in the kids whenever she is able. It didn't go too far, but she definitely declared nuclear war on me.

The divorce slowly plods ahead. We continue to live together in the same house. I try not to love bust, but I have no love for her anymore and I loathe the example she is setting for the children. Her influence on the children makes me more angry than anything else. It's also the cause of all altercations between us.

HWW

You need to protect yourself and carry around a digital recorder and document her faked abuse to protect yourself and to use this against her in court. This could be very damaging when custody is on the line.

Do what Jim suggests. They are at Radio Shack and will save your butt. Also, set up video camera and get one of her acts on tape and nothing she says will be believable.

I am new to MB and read your story. My heart goes out to you. I hope things are going well. Keep your head held high knowing that you are handling yourself with dignity and will always be someone your children will be able to look up to, even when it feels like the hardest thing you've ever had to do. Your children are young and regardless of their actions right now, they know in their heart you are doing what is best for them. Their mother will let them down. That is what liars do. She is feeding her need for attention.
Keep up the good work and I pray for your continued strength everyday. Good luck

Update,

Mediation has started. The wife and I are attending our first mediation session with all the players: mediator, two attorneys, she and myself. We each over the last two weeks have had sessions with the mediator by ourselves accompanied by our attorneys. The tension in our home is extremely high. Last Sunday, I had to leave when she began blowing in my face with her face only an inch away. Plan A died a long time ago. We are pushing strongly the removal of my wife from the home and she is fighting in fiercly. Despite this, she continues to see the other man. I do not love her. The best I can say is that I do not hate her, but she is evil.

Next time light matches and make her blow them out.

Mediation will likely be a waste of time. Don't get your hopes up...no matter the outcome. They will merely attempt to split the difference and get you guys to settle.

Best of luck,

Mr. Wondering

Update . . .

Well, my wife did it. She put me in jail about two weeks ago. Not only did she lie to the police, she also self-inflicted injuries to herself. So, in Michigan you're guilty until proven innocent. I'm in plan b now; HA! Two of my three children are completely alienated from me. I've taken a polygraph and passed, so I'm waiting on my vast legal team comprised of four attorneys now to counter-attack. My wife is insane.

What county are you in???

Washtenaw. I'm told it's 'open season' on men here. That came from a police officer, a probation correctional officer and my defense attorney.

Don't worry, she's just digging her own grave. You'll come out on top.

Can you file a police report against her...

For extortion or false prosecution

You may have to file it civily and you may have to await being cleared of the charges but aggressively defending yourself is important to allay any misconceptions your divorce/custody judge may have.

Innocent men FIGHT injustice. You wouldn't be the first guy that this has happened to. Judges can see through this crap if you pursue your defense vigorously. Only caution you not to appear abusive in your defense or you may yet be perceived as an abusive and controlling man that got away with one (presuming you beat the rap).

Unfortunately...I don't know any prosecutors in Washtenaw County. I will contact my cousin out there and see who he knows.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - It's not that it's "open season" on men. It's that judges are reticent towards making a mistake and letting an abusive man go and abuse further. One bad case...where an abusive husband gets out and kills his wife will RUIN their legal and judicial careers. They are cautious. Not man haters.

Mr. W.

Hi. I'm hoping we can turn the tables on her. We're going to make our case with the polygraph information to the prosecutor. It'll be up to her. You would hope the prosecutor would have no sympathy for women who game the system for their own advantage. I know this, my divorce judge is definitely disgusted with my wife's behavior and he's the chief circuit court judge for Washtenaw County.

Trust me, once you've defended yourself and cleared your name, this will completely BACKFIRE on your WW. There doesn't need to be a jury vote unanimously that she fabricated the abuse for the divorce case. All you need is one level-headed judge to see through your WW's behavior and hit her where it hurts. I know you must be going through he11 right now, but this will be a net positive in the long run. BTW, what happened to that voice activated digital recorder we told you to invest in for just these occasions?

Jim,

Man, I hope your right, but I'm into my seventh month of this sh*t, and it's miserable. The divorce judge (a male) saw through it, but the criminal judge (a female) did not; and the criminal court trumps the divorce judge, for now.

Oh, and I did get a digital recorder. I've used it, but I've underestimated the visciousness of the 'wife'. She's just plain evil. She's beyond human, and alien no longer explains her.

For the other man is say; here you go buddy. Have fun!

This is what you need to keep telling yourself. This will come back to bite her in the long run. I guess you are no longer interested in reconcilation anymore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't know how you ever reconcile from where I'm at. I just don't see how that's ever possible. I spent two days sleeping on a concrete floor listening to a disturbed man scream at the top off his lungs for the duration, when I was in jail.

She's evil beyond comparison, and her visciousness is unimaginable.