Thanks everyone for the input.
I have had friends who have been controlled by abuse. Yes, she did call the police, they put him in a mental ward for the night & sent him home the next day. No, Texas police do not get involved in domestic situations. Case in point, we lost a local constable who was shot due to a domestic situation just a few miles down the road from my WH's work. He died instantly. Even with a restraining order, they have to do something harmful before police intervene & then most of the time you're already dead.
Oh yeah... and your H is lucky he's still alive too. Her H could have gone on a shooting rampage. You'd think it would scare him into wanting to stay away from situations like this.
Yepper, since we had to move out of our house for a week after he died because he'd talked to a hit man & the hit man came to the funeral. I know this only because he was best friends with the security guards at the plant & the one who went to my WH's boss was with her W/BH when it was discussed in November. He was scared for about 2 weeks. And still thinks that they will come after him on the anniversary of his death. Personally, that would make me stay away from her because who knows who will be with him if it does happen.
I agree, it's no justification for them to continue an A. He was unstable, she knew it. She holds more accountability than him, but your H does own some of it.
Some of my knowledge comes from his friends & law enforcement in his town. He was well known for his abuse & instability, according to the officer who investigated the hit man thing. He talked to neighbors, friends, law officers, etc. before telling us that we probably had nothing to worry about. He said that since it had been investigated & it was public knowledge, no hit man in his right mind would show up & take a chance on getting caught. But we are still cautious.
I'm not saying my WH is completely guilt free. But knowing the past sitch with this man, I don't think he was the TOTAL cause of it, like he thinks. She actually taunted her H with info about the A, their sexual escapades, etc. Her H told me about this when he harrassed me on the phone. She would throw it in his face worse than mine ever did. Mine only said things when I asked. I think she wanted him to do it because that night, she was in a bar partying with friends. Witnesses at the scene said their youngest son (the one with law trouble) walked up to the body & said "I sure am glad his a$$ paid my lawyer fees before he pulled this sh*t." Talk about family love!! He is buried in a cemetary on my WH's route to work, right by the highway, so my WH sees it every day, 2X a day. I think she planned that & I think she is playing on his guilt now.
I know he shares guilt because of the A. But I also know that NC had been going on for a little longer than a month when this happened. It broke after this happened. So her decision to not go back was her own. Once my WH contacted her again, she has waited on him ever since.
So I think it's high time my WH quit playing in the pity pool, pick his a$$ up & start putting his & our life back together. IMHO, continued contact with her, even though they don't see each other, will only keep the guilt alive. He will never be able to heal & neither will she. I know what is the right thing to do. Now he needs to know it.
Maybe no one can understand his feelings about this. I know I've tried. And I've been affected by this, too. I think if he establishes NC & stays away, no one in her family or any of her W/BH friends will have any reason to come after my WH. JMO, but that's how I feel. And I can't move on either while I'm still reminded about it all the time.
He's convinced no one else has ever been in this sitch.
I wish I could get everyone's input on here & answer it. As I mentioned above, most of my info comes from law enforcement & family friends. People who had witnessed it first hand. The security guard who told us about the hit man was scared to death when he saw him at the funeral. He called the plant as soon as he left the cemetary. So he felt there was a valid reason that it was a possibility. It was investigated by a Texas Ranger. I know how crazy he was just from phone calls to me. He knew where we lived. He would call me & tell me that he drove by & he knew my WH was not home. He had vehicle descriptions & license plate numbers, our home & cell phone numbers. One night he had me so upset in the car, I almost ran off the road & I told him that if I did because of him, I would find him & come down on him like the wrath of God & to never call me again. Once he even called his cell phone & it showed our home number. Only thing I can think of is he was at the house & called from the phone box outside on the dark side of the house. It would have been so easy.
Yes, she threatened to commit suicide & she has all her H's guns. I sent her a message & offered her my 9 mil if she needed any help, told her I would load it with new bullets. I told her that way she would be out of my life forever. I know, bad thing I done, but I felt better after I unloaded on her. Since then, I've told her that no law in Heaven or on Earth gives her the right to take what belongs to someone else. She has supposedly decided that my WH is stringing her along & moving on with her life. Hope so.
I know from the same sources, that he not only mentally abused her but physically also. She was afraid to leave & I know how that is from friends who have been through the same thing. I truly do sometimes believe she wanted him to do it so she wouldn't have to deal with him after a divorce. She wasn't too upset about it, even though it happened in front of her face. I wouldn't be able to leave my house if a complete stranger committed suicide in front of me. My WH has been more traumatized than she has.
Yes, he's guilty of the A. But someone who has threatened suicide for years is the only one responsible for the choice to actually go through with it. I don't think the A pushed him over the edge. I think her filing for divorce did & that's a decision she made all on her own. She suddenly got a backbone & he didn't like it. My WH had told her he was going home to try to work things out with me. Yes, he was a WS. Same sources have given info about the OW for him & the STD his W got from the A. He kept going back to this OW & she had caught them together again just before the A with my WH started. I sometimes feel she was using my WH to get back at her WH. Not a good thing.
Keep the posts coming. I will let him read them when I get home tonight.