HD, I understand that people on these boards can latch on to things but look over the responses. I don't see one response, for whatever reason, that advises you to uproot your child from his father. And while I understand the desire to do so, I am also in the camp on not relocating. I think in doing so you are setting yourself and your son up for rough times ahead.

From the sounds of it, your son has a great time with his dad. That desire won't go away if you take him away from his dad.

I'm reminded of a quote I seen:

"Although the dispute is symbolized by a 'versus' which signifies two adverse parties at opposite poles of a line, there is in fact a third party whose interests and rights make of the line a triangle. That person, the child who is not an official party to the lawsuit but whose well-being is in the eye of the controversy, has a right to shared parenting when both are equally suited to provide it. Inherent in the express public policy is a recognition of the child's right to equal access and opportunity with both parents, the right to be guided and nurtured by both parents, the right to have major decisions made by the application of both parents' wisdom, judgement and experience. The child does not forfeit these rights when the parents divorce."

--Presiding Judge Dorothy T. Beasley,
Georgia Court of Appeals,
"In the Interest of A.R.B., a Child," July 2, 1993

I here a lot of anger towards your ex and that's fine but we're not talking about your ex, we are talking about what is best for your child. And I think you are going to be hard pressed to find any head doctor who says ripping a child away from either involved parent is a good decision.

So your choices are to:
A: Take it to court, maybe you'll win but in my opinion, in the end you'll lose because more than likely at some point that child will "choose" to go back. He may choose that road through uncontrolable behaviors or whatever.

B: Make a plan for your man to move to Texas. Sounds like he has less than 2 years before he can retire from the Military. As far as being a pastor, I'm quite sure there are plenty of lost sheep in Houston....

PS. Many states like mine have laws and procedures on the books for instances like this. So that it isn't "stipulated" in ur decree isn't really of revelance. More than likely you'd have to give notice of intent to move. If your hubby were to object then he'd have X number of days to respond. Then likely there would be a round of mediation and custody evaluations and possibly another round of mediation followed by court hearings. Depending on availability of evaluators, mediators, & the courts the process can take anywhere from 6 months to 2 years....

hdhouston wrote:

"My ex left me two years ago. We have a six year old son together and I am the custodial parent. My ex get's him on thurs. after school unil Friday a.m., and then every other weekend Friday after school to Monday a.m. I have been dating someone and we are looking to get married. I live in Texas and my boyfriend lives in Wyoming. He has been in the Air Force for 18 years and is also a pastor of a church. My divorce decree says I can only live within contigeous counties of my ex unless he agrees or we go back to court. My ex only pays $350 a month for child support and he doesn't have insurance for himself or our son. I work for a small company that only provides very minimal insurance coverage. My son has had a few health issues and we are just barely scraping by. I feel that marriage to my boyfriend would give my son stability that we currently don't have. What is the likelyhood of my being able to relocate? My boyfriend is very financially stable and would allow me and my son to come back to Texas as frequent as possible. I don't want to come off selfish by me wanting to move so far away, b/c I really want to do what is good for my kid. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks."
____________________________________________________________



The question I have for you is this; do you have family in TX?


My opinion about your situation is; I think it's wrong to depend on another person for stability. You should obtain stability for your son & yourself on your own. Have you ever consider what might happen if you end up in Wyoming and God forbid something happens to your soon-to-be husband? That's why it's good to never depend on someone for the stability of your household.

I think it's wrong to take your son away from his "Dad". Your EX might not be the "Father's Know Best" material, but he is still your son's dad.

I'm sure your son suffered through the divorce ordeal, he suffered the loss of an intact family and possibly more. Why up root him and move him away from his school, his friends? Can you imagine having to move far away, no daily contact with your dad, change of home, change of school, the stress of making new friends in a place that is totally unfamiliar to you? Is that fair to your child?

LostHusband mentioned about the possible time frame if you go through the court system, he's right.

I like the idea of waiting til your boyfriend retires from the AF, but continuing to date and visit him til then, and then him moving to Houston to marry you.

That way your kid gets 2 more years of stability and being in the same home he has had, and also seeing his Dad.

And your boyfriend can adjust to life in Houston. It might be a great adventure for him!

I know it would be hard on him being so far away. I am struggling here...I wouldn't be here for advice if I wasn't torn up inside on what to do. I'm actually in tears right just thinking about the whole thing. A big part of me just feels like my ex should have to move where I move. He is the one who chose to leave. He decided he didn't love me anymore and wanted out. No matter what I do I look like the bad guy here. He left and everyone wondered what I did to make him leave. If I move with my kid I get blamed again. I am trying so hard to be a good mom and I just feel so alone. I'm so tired I don't know what is right anymore.

the headline in the newspaper the following day would read, "Ex Sentenced To Life On Leash"

i'm sure you think ure ex is a dog but that might be a bit too much to expect from a judge to order

you should be happy you at least got primary custody and move on

most betrayed fathers (myself included) would be happy with just that

I am in Texas. My divorce was final Thursday, November 29, 2007. We used my personal attorny as a joint lawyer. Talked to him about an hour ago about this issue. My fear is my ex would like to move to Harris County from Central Texas next summer. We have the same stipulation. It is a standard order in Texas, for the most part. You have to have a modification done and your ex most likely would have to agree. Courts in Texas, from my understanding, do not like changing residence counties. You will need something better than remarriage.

I have appointment with another lawyer this week to prepare for this summer or whenever my ex tries to move. Joint lawyer can't (down side) represent me in future family matters, only jointly. Ex moving will happen over my **** body. Love my son to much to let him move.

you left...and you feel betrayed?!! Do vows on ones wedding day mean nothing to people now days? I don't know why or what caused you to file for divorce, but unless your spouse cheated, abused or hurt you in some valid way, there is no excuse for leaving a spouse. When you stand before God and all your friends and family you make vows to honor, protect, and be there for one another through good and bad. No where does it say, "As long as we have feelings for one another, or until I stop loving her/him." Love is a choice not a feeling.

I'll get off of my soap box now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

yeah, I know its a standard order in Texas. I have heard that the rules can be changed some when someone is in active duty military. I'm not sure.

Right, but YOU aren't active military. You are not bound to the government's whims on where to send you. You are talking about making a choice to marry a military person and intentionally move your child 1000+ miles away from his father. BIG difference!

Just because you CAN move your son away (assuming the courts allow you to) doesn't mean you SHOULD. There's a big difference between doing the right thing legally and doing the right thing morally. IMO, taking the boy away from his father will bring lifelong devastating results.

Why don't you make an appointment with a child psychologist and get their opinion about what that would mean for your son and whether the move would be good for him or not.

houston,

You don't seem to be reading what you wanted to read. What is your plan? It's tough to support your idea when you don't lay out a plan.

I am a big advocate of co-parenting. It's very tough to do cross country. Not impossible, just tough.

The court will probably allow your move IF your XH agrees to it. That's about it. Go talk to your XH.

umm yea, you can get off your soap box now

my wife cheated on me (three times over the course of a seven years) so i know all about the pain...

and you know what? i still wouldn't take my kid away from her because i know my son would never forgive me for doing it to him

My boyfriend and I would like to get engaged in the next 6 months or so and then get married about 6 months after. I would either move to Wyoming a short time before marriage to get settled or depending on how my son is doing with everything, I may even stay in Texas a while longer and make frequent trips back and forth. My boyfriend and I are talking about setting up an account for my son's travel costs so he and I can make the trips back and forth as often as necessary. Upon my boyfriend's retirement from the military, we would revaluate our situation, and go from there.

Question: Have you discussed this with your ex at all? Does he know you are wanting to move to Wyoming? Is he willing to let your son go?

You are obviously going to do whatever you want to do (if the courts and your ex allow it). It will change his life and the relationship with his father FOREVER. I just hope your son forgives you someday.

Wow, lots of Houstonians around here...

First, I get that if your new guy is a great, upstanding man, he can become a good father figure and be a great role model for your son. Kids get raised by other fathers all the time. I will add that the odds of that turning out to be the case are not as great as you might think, in your desire to make it happen.

I would first not recommend you marrying him and moving your son without you and your new guy going through extensive counseling - person, marriage, and family (including your son in it, as he will have a huge stake). I don't want him raising your son without him being highly educated on how to raise a stepson. I don't have statistics, but I would bet money that most people who grow up with serious issues did so in blended families. Most of these families never take the time to get serious (1 or 2 years' worth) counseling to find out how their first marriage got screwed up, what their contribution to the screwup was, and how not to let it happen again.

You haven't mentioned your new guy's past. Is he divorced? If so, you've got two people who were not properly protecting their marriage joining, raising a stepchild and maybe more kids (even more cause for concern for your son), and 80% likely to have the same problems arise in the second marriage.

If he's never been married, I'd be even more worried! My brother has never had a kid, and I wouldn't let my daughter stay with him even overnight if someone paid me a million dollars. He has no clue how to raise a child, and his idea of proper raising is to criticize her, and tell her not to touch anything (he told a 15 year old this!). What is your knowledge of his ability to raise your son? Most abuse cases come about because a woman remarries - for stability or her own need to have a man in her life - and doesn't set boundaries to protect her children, because her second chance at marriage is more important to her.

I'm not saying any of this applies to you. I'm saying it is real life, and you have to look long and hard to see if any of it could.

If I were you, I'd be contacting United Way for help raising my son through activities and programs and counseling, getting counseling myself, paying my way through college, helping me get good medical care, and whatever else you see there that you like. That's what they're there for. I have experience with the United Way here in Houston, and it is wonderful. I would be insisting my new boyfriend attend counseling with me, if he's serious about wanting to marry me. If he refuses, I'd say, 'your loss, nice knowing you.' And I'd be having regular conversations with my son's father about just what goes on in his house when my son is with him, and setting boundaries ("The next time you show him an R-rated movie, you'll see me in court." [United Way will help with that, too])

Hey Houston,

So your boyfriend is less than 2 years from retirement, for giggles we’ll call it 21 months, and you’re talking about getting married in about 13 months. So basically this huge decision hinges upon 8 months. I’m assuming that your boyfriend is as perfectly willing to move as you are. If we’re wrong please let us know. So for that 8 months you’re willing to severely modify the amout of time and consistency of visits that your son gets with his father. Cause let’s face it you can set aside money for visit all you want. Currently the child’s father gets to see his son weekly so if for pretends you could get to tickets for around 500 that would be $26,000 per year in travel. Does that sound doable to you? Obviously not. So how much are you willing to cut it? Will you try to cut it in half and spend $13,000 or in a quarter and spend $6,500? And ask yourself honestly, what impact will cutting those visits have upon your son? Remember your son is the innocent party in all this who’s only desire and right is to love both his parents.

Next on your current time frame you’re looking at moving about this time next year in the middle of school causing more disruption to an already sad situation. So let’s say for pretends that you think about it and decide to wait until after the school year is up to atleast minimize some of the damage. So you delay the move by about 5 months. Now instead of this all being about 8 months, it’s about 3 months. All this drama is over 3 months.

Catperson has some wonderful insight and suggestions. I’d highly recommend you and current BF get some pre-marriage counseling. Second marriages have like a 75% failure rate with the two biggest reasons being financial and children issues, both of which you’ll be facing. And if you’re wanting to attempt to do this right, I’d also suggest getting your son in to see a therapist and openly discussing the situation with the therapist following his/her recommendation. You may discover that there is a way with video visitation and less frequent but longer visits to make this less traumatizing to your child or it may be their opinion that there is no way to work this where it won’t be traumatizing to your son, then you can make an informed decision.

Lastly, contact your attorney and get the facts about how long these cases take in your specific court and what the tendencies are of your specific judge. I tried the whole long distance marriage thing and was even trying to uproot some children from their father. We had heard the cases could take up to two years but were told that it’d be 6 months to 18 months. Well, the two years would be more accurate. Ultimately that 2nd marriage didn’t work out for a variety of reasons and I’m so glad that I didn’t do that to those children. I understand how it’s so easy to get wrapped up in this fairytale that you truly forget about the children even when you think you're consentrating on them.

Hi...

It's a "ghost" (not a troll) from days of Christmas past.

I just "greeted" JL... saw you are still here too....

Just saying "hi".

I figure true friends are always friends... and a person can make friends anew... right where they are today... without having to know.

"hi".

(If I remember right... we were friends... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

Glad to see you are here, too.

God bless.

Lost H,

I don't have any exact time frame of anything and I do not pretend to know what will happen tomorrow. My time frame was only a very broad estimation. I have faith in God, and will always do my best to follow my convictions. I fully agree on counseling as does my boyfriend and would do it as long as needed. My boyfriend was married before and also has a son. He has been divorced now for 10 years. He actually spent many of those years being single and learning what it is to be a husband and a father according to God's word. He recognized his faults and willingly admits being wrong in certain areas. If I have to wait 5 years to marry I will. I am in no hurry, because I am willing to do what is right despite what anyone else thinks. My son is going to suffer to some extent regardless because his dad left. Two is better than one. It's not about depending on another person. God didn't design marriage so that a wife can marry and mooch off of her spouse. The two join and become one flesh. They create stability that can't be made otherwise. Man wasn't created to be alone. That is why I think this would be good for my son. It sucks that his dad isn't there every day, but he made that choice. In fact my boyriend's father divorced when my boyfriend was a kid and his dad moved away. My b/f was upset with his dad for a long time and then as he grew up and understood everything he developed an understanding of it all. Now he is very close with his father and actually has more of a problem with his mom who left his dad. I believe nothing is paved in stone. Everyone is going to react differently and I just have to pray and do what I believe to be the right thing.

houston,

I asked earlier if your BF (H to be?) would ever consider adopting your child, should the childs father relinquish his parental rights.

Otherwise, your BF would not be the child's father. Your BF would not be the legal guardian. Your BF would not be financially responsible for your child's health issues. Your BF, technically, couldn't sign a permission slip for a school field trip.

Should something happen to you, your child would not remain with your BF (new hubby) but would instead be returned to his real father. If the child's father is no where to be found, the child would likely then be handed over to social services for placement in a foster home.

This would be good for your son?


Just don't predetermine that your son will turn out like your BF did. That is a shakey bet at best. Don't be blinded by your own desires to be with your BF and not protect your son in the process.

Should my ex pass away or give up his rights, my future hubby would absolutely adopt my son. There is no question about that. Most likely that will not happen, but even so, he will always treat my son like his own. Kids are taken care of step-parents all the time. That is nothing new.

If something ever happend to me or my ex my son would go to my parents,not foster care! We have that in writing. If I remarry it can be revised. That is an entire different thread.........