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I understand and agree to a point Acey. But only coming back here to complain is pretty self serving IMO. Roll your sleeves up and help!

Hey BK,

Who are you talking about? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

L.

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Ace,

Yes, I saw them. I hope to have time to respond this coming weekend. I am really overwhelmed by them. I'm hoping that K will dig out his response from "Why women leave.." where he details his story. It is most impressive.

God Bless,

JL

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Wow! Peppermint!! I was just thinking the other day about how the board had been blessed over the years with *two* wise "Pep"s...

W and I celebrate 19 yrs next month!

FH -
Very good and thoughtful analysis. I really don't think there are fatal problems here, just some alignment problems that a good osteo can fix. IMHO, egos seem to be the biggest problem. It sure looks like there are a few who rely on this board to prop up their feelings of self-worth at the expense of others. As K just said:
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And I don't remember fogged-WS's getting tossed quite so readily as I see these days.
Run one of these out of town and you get to put another notch on your holster!

Something else in his response caught my attention:
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We had lots of very thoughtful posters who weren't necessary on board with all the MB materials, but who were respectful and thoughtful and added tremendously to the community
There have been recent posters here who were attacked mercilessly over "non-adherence", whatever their reasons. Again, I think this is ego-driven.

But, whatever, at some point, those I refer to will finally have their EN for admiration sated and will settle down and help in the fruitful way I know they can.

Ace -
You keep imploring "the ancients" to post. Most of the material is still on the board, in the archives. Maybe you should grab a couple of others and form a committee to research those archives to see if there's anything relevant to today.

I went back and found a couple of my old posts for you to read.


Diagnoses and labels by BS(long post)


Post-recovery musings - Plans A and B


K, NB, SS, Orchid, peppermint, Jo, Nerly, FH, S&C, Susan, JL, good to see some familiar names. Best wishes to all.

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THANK YOU JL and Heartpain.....so glad you're still checking in....and JL I look forward to your weekend reponse...wish I had Married's email addy so I could alert her.

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Ace -
You keep imploring "the ancients" to post. Most of the material is still on the board, in the archives. Maybe you should grab a couple of others and form a committee to research those archives to see if there's anything relevant to today.

Thank you for encouragement, HP and that's a great idea! Maybe after the holidays when RIF gets back we can form a midnight posse to delve into the "ancient archives" and unearth some of those golden nuggets. I say 'midnight' since RIF is deployed and handles the oft boring nightshifts on two fun threads already mentioned. This could give him something intriguing to do between posts....notice I'm recruiting him while he's not here to abstain!

So much to say and so little time....I'm approaching my first anniversary of registering here and will be hanging around for at least a second year of recovery. It would be great to have you seasoned vets check in with us now and then to see if those posters with 'overactive egos' mentioned have indeed settled with time. I must admit, your allowing me to 'implore' vets to post successes feeds my admiration EN as well but I recognize it and am honored by your acknowledgment.

Again, THANK YOU!

Ace


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
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DeWayne,

Congrats on #19---of course, you always were one step behind me... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

BigKahuna: Are you part of the problem here, or part of the solution? These posts weren't entirely 'complaining' about how the board sucks these days---there were some relatively thoughful commentary on how they have changed (for the worse) over the years. I've always looked at my behavior and participation on this board as a responsibility. Am I compassionate? Can I help BS, WS, OP's etc? What areas do I need to work on? What posts do I need to avoid?? I do this to support the Harleys---in gratitude for all the support they gave me.

You've been registered here a little more than 2 years. Pretty much all of the posters here other than Ace have rolled up there sleeves and participated full time for at least double that. That's a lot of volunteer work to dismiss as a bunch of 'self-serving' whining. How does the tone of your post serve to benefit the board? If you have this kind of tone with me---what kind of tone might you have with a WS who can't stop their addiction to the affair?

We (some of the old timers) are trying to figure out how we can better serve this board. It's not always easy---for example, I am very unlikely to give a poster who has been here several months too much advice---simply because I don't know their history and I don't know what advice they've already been given. But I will be happy to help advise new posters, or give comments regarding MB methodologies. This group of posters are concerned about the general tone and the quality of advice give here---and we will try our best to help. Not for ego's sake (God and my friends know there's no way that could get any larger)---but because we've seen how much help and benefit this site can be to those going through a most difficult time.

In 1997, my wife started an internet affair, that became full blown when we moved to a new location. After months, I discovered it. I went through Plan A with Steve Harley's help. A period of NC failed. I went into Plan B after that. My wife got pregnant by the OM---as JL likes to reference---I found this as an opportunity to save my marriage. It was also an interesting opportunity to converse with God a bit... We successfully reconciled through this period of time, and that child will be 9 years old in a while. (The long version

I have been through most of the things that can happen to a WS. I was able to learn the MB methodologies through all of this stuff---and for me, most of it worked very well. Steve's support was invaluable for me during this time, and I've given back in to this site in this spirit for many years (many of our older posts from the first year got eaten in a server crash). As JL would say, "I have the T-shirt". So have a little patience and compassion for some of us "old timers" who are coming back tsk-tsking... this site has grown tremendously, there's a lot of work to do, and some of us can no longer put in the 40-80 hours/week on the boards that we once did...

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JL:

Good 2 see you come back for a tad.

I posted on your thread that I've lost your email addy. I'd hate 2 lose touch with you if you (or I) should choose not 2 frequent MB's forums.

best,
-ol' 2long

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BigKahuna: Are you part of the problem here, or part of the solution?

One of my favorite geek tee-shirts has a pic2re of a guy sitting at the bottom of an erlenmeyer flask. The caption reads "If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate."

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These posts weren't entirely 'complaining' about how the board sucks these days---there were some relatively thoughful commentary on how they have changed (for the worse) over the years. I've always looked at my behavior and participation on this board as a responsibility. Am I compassionate? Can I help BS, WS, OP's etc? What areas do I need to work on? What posts do I need to avoid?? I do this to support the Harleys---in gratitude for all the support they gave me.

It's a challenge at times, being compassionate in difficult si2ations?

I've found that, though I really still do feel a strong draw 2 participate in the discussions here, I can also feel how the focus on infidelity can tend 2 stall our own recovery. There's a direct correlation between the amount of time I spend here and the quality of the time I spend with my W. That's why I don't post on as many threads as I used 2. Not because I don't care about those peoples' sitches.

-ol' 2long

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There's a direct correlation between the amount of time I spend here and the quality of the time I spend with my W.

Hi 2long,

I don't think I've posted to you, but I appreciate your sentiment. I'm struggling with this now, too. When you get the balance figured out, please start a thread and tell us your secret. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Also, thanks for your post on the other subject above.

Ace


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
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Hi to 2Long, too (or would that be '2'---you know, you always drove me nuts with those numerical posts...)

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

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Ace:

Well, I hope my registration date doesn't frighten you! I still haven't quite figured out the right level of posting. I once thought it ought 2 be zero, and that I was just addicted. But now I think that, while I may indeed be addicted, I'm still learning new stuff that's valuable - like getting along with people who want 2 argue with me for the sake of arguing (my W is an arguer, at least was during her VLTA).

-ol' 2long

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Hi to 2Long, too (or would that be '2'---you know, you always drove me nuts with those numerical posts...)

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I should probably log in as Qfwfq - he spells his 2s!

Whereas, using 2's for "two, to, too, and capital script Q" (hey, that rhymes!), is sort of a genetic imperative for ol' 2long.

I can't help it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

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I can't help it!

Of that, I'm sure... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Clean out your inbox too...

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K:

I've been having a devil of a time sorting out the mailbox full problem with that email address. I'm pretty sure I missed a lot after about Sa2rday, when I got my last known email.

That's why I suggest folks use my hotmail address for now.

-ol' 2long

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Hi all, and Season's Greetings.

2long tiped me off to this reunion.

I and the "love of my life" are doing very well - together over five years now. I acquired my retirement "home on the water" last December and we plan to start cruising the world in spring 09. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

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I acquired my retirement "home on the water" last December and we plan to start cruising the world in spring 09.

Keep the rigged side up... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Unless it's a Sunfish, in which case it's great to take a bath...

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Hey WAT!

Yeah, I know. it was only 15 minutes since I last heard from you... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Folks:

I think I got my email problem sorted out, but I think I lost some of the emails that may have come after the weekend. So, if you think you sent me something, and particularly if you got one of those "mailbox full" messages, please try again.

I'll try 2 set that account up somewhere else that doesn't have such a serious memory limitation, but for now I'm forwarding stuff from that account 2 my hotmail account, then deleting the originals. That's what freed up space...

-ol' 2long

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I'll try 2 set that account up somewhere else that doesn't have such a serious memory limitation, but for now I'm forwarding stuff from that account 2 my hotmail account, then deleting the originals. That's what freed up space...

pssst, 2long...

you can just delete the junk.

I mean seriously, just how popular are you anyway?? I have had that hotmail account of mine for over two years and it has NEVER gotten full.

WAT! Wooohoooo! A water front home, a love of your life, and a sail around the world...wow! Which fairy did you get to zap you with the wishes come true wand? I need her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

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JJ:

I do delete the junk. I also found I had to purge the trash periodically, so I've been good at that.

Believe it or not, that account gets fulled-up with only 80 messages in the in box and about 100 in the sent folder, and nothing in any of the other ones.

-ol' 2long

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Wow, even Peppermint dropped by. If you're still reading, sweet, sweet Peppermint... I've thought of you so very often... Merry Christmas!

I just want to agree with what 2long has said:
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There's a direct correlation between the amount of time I spend here and the quality of the time I spend with my W. That's why I don't post on as many threads as I used 2. Not because I don't care about those peoples' sitches.

You know, for me, between 1999 and 2003/4... I had over 10,000 posts. I was, ahem, quite a "prolific" writer (read: long-winded). I'd changed my name once, tried to log in as my old name another, couldn't and just added a "II" to my old name (which I now use).

I care deeply about people and would pour over the threads, over my responses, and watched very carefully for signs that I was becoming bitter and jaded, going off the system with my advice, and causing harm. What I wasn't watching as carefully as I should (as I spent hours upon hours here), was the potential harm I was causing to my first marriage, which ended in 2000 and then my second (which is my current and final marriage).

My H and I got rid of our internet last year and it has been a GOD SEND. We play games, watch TV, and talk tons. The only time I get online is before/after work or during lunch - from my office computer. It's not that we couldn't get a computer, because we've thought of it several times, but... we don't... because the temptation to read and write(for me, especially) is too great.

In life, the older folks retire (hopefully to full lives of leisure <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) and let the young ones take over. That's how I see the transition here... and old folks are always talking about how things "used to be" aren't they? That's all that's happening here...

I wish the new "guard" strength, patience and wisdom to handle the newbies that come in... and for those who have been around awhile and stay, I wish the same along with a dash of needed energy... and finally, for those who choose to step away... I wish you peace... and know that you will stop by now and then... because everyone knows that you never really leave the Hotel MarriageBuilders.



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Hi Weave - took a sec to realize who you are.

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WAT! Wooohoooo! A water front home...

Ah, er, minor correction: A "home ON the water" - not in front of the water. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

No fairy - just hard work and good planning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

WAT

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