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Also, take the good advice of whoever it was who said to go to a doctor get yourself re-checked. I know someone whose vasectomy "gave out" about the same length of time after the procedure as you are from yours. There were some very tense times between him and his wife before he found out that he was, indeed, the father. The return of male fertility after sterlization is not likely 10 years down the pike, but it is not impossible either. You can eliminate this particular question now, if you choose.

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RB,

This is Tigger, another FWW who had an OC and whose BH is raising the child as ours. In our sitch, we are now 8 years(Holy Cow!!!! That's a long time now!!!!) past D-day. My H also had the big V done when our now 15 yo dd was about 2. So, here's pretty much how we handled it. In the state where we lived at time of conception and birth, it is a law that if any man doesn't file paternity w/in 90 days of possible due date, then said man cannot claim any paternity, UNLESS the H chooses to contest paternity. We, for reasons of safety and repairing our M, never told xom of pregnancy, and to the best of our knowledge, he has never known. Our children don't know, but they may figure it out some day. Do I feel we are lying, well, no, because my DH is and will be the only father and daddy our dear OC ever knows. xom was violent and threatened my H's life on D-day. We also found out a week or 2 after D-day of pregnancy.

I will see if there is any way to look WAY back for our posts when we first began here. My H doesn't post anymore, but his "call name" was sailorman59. You have received much the same advice we did back then. I agree with your list, and the added comment of talk to an attorney or at least find out what the state statues are for your situation. Don't make any final decisions right now, and work on your M. I, having already gone through giving up a child for adoption when I was 18 and H was 17, was willing to do anything, including giving child up for adoption, but am happy now that H didn't feel we could go through that again. It's not an easy decision to make, no matter what the situation was that caused the pregnancy in the first place.

I wish I had more time, but I need to get ready for Wed night church. I will check back soon.


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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Nice posts from FWW w/OC - It's nice to see such admiration for their husbands in the midst of incredibly difficult situation for most men.

Autumn - its a shame your spouse does not post. There may be much to learn from such a man.

RB - I think you are one amazing guy to formulate such a compassionate plan. Your wife is probably in a state of pure self loathing and you took the high road. I cannot even comprehend the pain.


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Hope this link works. This is one of my very first posts way back in 2000.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...;Main=74557&Number=789575#Post789575


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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runnerboy, mind if i call you rb? sorry to read you are in this difficult spot. i was in your exact shoes about 7 years back. i am sure my story is in the archives somewhere if you are interested.

although i have not read every post word for word (it would take me a week and this thread would be 6 pages longer and i would need another week . anyhow you get the picture . i read slooooow.
but i have read enough that i think i have a grasp of the situation. about every other page.

1st let me say to all that even though you are all entitled to your opinions it would be much more helpful if they were expressed in a respectfull manner.

i can see what what both sides of this conversation sre saying and believe me i have felt both opinions ( could never raise another mans child and yes i can make it work)

truth be told i AM RAISING OUR OC. her name is grace and she is a beautiful 6 yo that now i couldn't imagine not being in my life. she has enriched my life more then i can say and taught me things about myself that i never would have discovered without her in it.

that being said there were some very hard and painful things that i had to get past. and i can tell you that i have seen some real s#!t in my days on this earth.

point being it is possible to have a healthy, loving marriage again with this baby in it.

point 2 or 3 or 4 , oh hell let's call it 7. you and your w do not have to make any immediate decisions. there is time. it seems you and her have come to a good start with her agreeing to your terms for reconsiliation.

i don't get to the computer very often but will try and keep up.


me-59 ww-55
married 1979 - together since 1974
6 kids together 15,19,21,23,29,30
my oldest son 37
d-day (confession day) memorial day 2001
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Well I just want to say how sorry I am for what you are going thru. My brother had a child at your age and it is a very hard time for him and his wife due to their age.

I could never keep a child from an affair. First of all the OM should have to pay for the child and I would not want him in my life.

I hate to say this but if you keep the child the worst possible thing that happened to you is that you caught her in the act. What happens to a lot of men is the WW would just not tell you and you would go for years and maybe never find out that your child is not yours. On the other hand at least you know and will at least go into the rest of your life with your eyes open.

I do not believe in abortion either so I want to say I wish you the best in whatever you choose to do. Just know what you are getting into and maybe even see a lawyer so you know your rights and responsibilities. I hope everything works out the best for you. I am sure your head is spinning. I will say a prayer for you.

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RB,

Just a few thoughts. First let me admit to a bias. I have always considered K's story on of the more remarkable on here, because he came to see his W preg. by OM to be an OPPORTUNITY. When I came here over 9 years ago, I could not believe it.

I will also tell you of the top people I respect on this site, AD, Tigger, and Pops are on my short list. What these folks have done from both sides of this situation is remarkable. Add Kimmy to this and you have a whole bunch of solid folks that tell you like it is from both sides of this issue.

It occured to me that the deciding factor is NOT:

1. Your masculinity.

2. Your W's pregnancy.

3. Your children.

4. Your feelings at this point.

My opinion for what it is worth is that the deciding factor is more simple. It is how you view a future with your W. Do you see her being a good W? Do you see her being a good mother? Do you see the possibilities in your relationship with your W, that are positive? What can the two of you decide that might make you a happier man?

yes I know the images are in your head. Yes I know that the odds of this child being yours are small. But, this is really about your future and the future you see with your W.

RB, if you decide to stay, if you decide to rear this new child, your marriage starts anew. You need to realizethis.

If you look at K, Pops, AD, Kimmy, Tigger, the one constant is that their marriage is something they value today. It is really easy to love children, that is their ace-in-the-hole. Their main defense is they are so darned lovable.

So to me it is about you and your W deciding on what your marriage will be like in the future, and the two of you committing to it. Focus on that in your decision making would be my counsel to you, don't focus on the pain, the images, and the deceit.

I will also say for a poster that mentioned that you having a child at your age puts a strain on a marriage. My youngest was born when I was 42. He is almost out of college now. Yes, my W and I missed a few things, but we gained alot, and frankly being more mature made rearing this last one easier in many ways.
So my advice ($0.02) is focus on the marriage of the future.

I think it will make it easier for both you and your w to address this heartbreaking mess.

I hope something I have said is of help to you.

God Bless,

JL

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My grandmother became pregnant with my mom when she was 44 years old. In 1912, that was OLD! Her husband was an unfaithful drunk; her only other child was already a teenager. She did NOT want the baby, and although she didn't believe in abortion, she did everything she could think of to cause a miscarriage. She nearly worked herself to death that summer, hoping for a spontaneous abortion, but none of it worked and my mother was born anyway. She grew up to be a missionary teacher, and lived 89 years old of faithful Christian devotion.

I know the circumstances aren't the same as yours, but I think my point is that even an unwanted, unexpected child can be used by God as a person of immense blessing to family, and to others as well.

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I finally had time last night to sit and read all of the responses to this thread. I want you all to know that I appreciate every response and your willingness to help. Some I agreed with and some I didn’t, but all helped me gain perspective on our situation. I know that we are only just beginning our journey to recovery and that there are many decisions yet to be made. I am sure I will be here often to seek advice and perspective.

I won’t be around much until after the holiday. I have a busy day today wrapping up things in the office so I can enjoy the 4 day weekend. I hope to just have a long relaxing weekend with my family and avoid relationship talk until next week. WW and I talked a little last night and both decided that we needed a few days to focus on the kids and to just enjoy being together as a family. So that’s the plan this weekend. I think we could all use a little distraction.

We are preparing for our annual Memorial Day barbecue so we should be plenty busy. We live on a lake and we always have our families and friends over on Saturday before Memorial Day for a day of eating and fun on the lake. Everyone that has a boat or Jet-Ski brings it and we just have a ball and for some of us we forget how old we are until the muscle pains of Sunday morning remind us. I always take Friday and the whole family pitches in to get everything ready. It looks like it’s going to be a beautiful weekend.

On a sad note, I saw today where one of my favorite Christian artists, Steve Curtis Chapman, lost his 5 year old daughter yesterday when her older brother, driving an SUV, hit her in the family’s driveway. It kind of puts all of my problems in perspective. Things could be so much worse. My prayers go out to the Chapman family.


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rb you are so right

As much as we struggle with our own personal crisis' when you look at the grand picture we are still lucky. an event that took place shortly after my d-day was 9/11. it really helped me put things into perspective.

all our prayers go out to the Chapman family. and to you and your family wishing you a peaceful weekend of laughter and memories.


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Have a good weekend, RB65.

You seem like a VERY intelligent guy. You'll do what's right for you. Don't let anyone blow sunshine up your ___ because they are the one-in-a-million exception to the rule. Don't let a sourpuss like me affect you, either.

Last edited by Krazy71; 05/22/08 08:07 AM.

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It is really easy to love children, that is their ace-in-the-hole. Their main defense is they are so darned lovable.

God makes that way on purpose so you don't kill them for shaving the cat or for playing Ceiling Fan Baseball in the dining room.

That was a wonderful post JL.

AD and Tigger, thank you SO much. You are as much blesssings to your husbands as they are to you.

Runner, have a lovely weekend full of joyous memories.

Last edited by Dealan-de; 05/22/08 08:20 AM. Reason: cos my fingers type faster than my brain is allowed to go.

I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

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runnerboy I am so sorry to find you in this position. Like Autumn Day, Tigger and pops I am years beyond where your sitting now. It's been so long I forgot my ID for this forum and had to create a new one. I am a FWW and I have twin OC. Like you and your wife I didn't believe in abortion. I believed that from a young age that there is always another way. BUT when I found myself in that position I felt there was no other way out. I had 3 COM from the ages of 7-10. How could I be pregnant for 9 months and just give up their baby brother or sister. How could I be a single mother with 4 (didn't know it was twins then) kids, especially having a newborn? So I found myself feeling this was a helpless situation. I called and made an appointment for an abortion. Luckily in my state it is a two part process and there has to be so many days between the appointments. So I went to the first appointment which I barely remember because I cried through most of it. But it was more of an info appointment and taking blood. I made the appointment for the actual procedure. I had my H take the day off work so he could take care of the kids. Luckily in that time my H could see a different way than me and started talking with me about it. I had doubts our marriage could survive this. I had even bigger doubts that he could love someone else's child. Even once we decided to go through with the pregnancy....he seemed removed from the pregnancy. He did go to the ultrasound appointment etc. But it just wasn't like the other pregnancies. So being very pregnant I was scared that we could get through this. Once the twins were actually here I seen with my own eyes how he was more than capable of loving these babies. I've seen it everyday for almost 6 years now. Since I had to have a c-section and was in recovery he took over from the second they came out. I'm not sure how easy it was for him to bond with them...but I do know he put himself out there from the start. He was holding them...even slept with them both on the little couch at the hospital. Like Autumn day said...you just have to be in the presence of my H and the twins for a very short time to realize his love is so genuine and pure for these kids. I would even go as far as saying he is a better parent to them from when our COM were their age. He has more patients, he takes the time out to roll on the floor with them even when he is tired from working all day. I think that goes with being a 2nd go around parent and being older and knowing how these years go by so fast. We were young 20's when we had our COM so now we are older and have grown alot.


I can tell you it also isn't easy for your wife. I know for me it was not easy having my belly start sticking out and everyone around me knowing it wasn't my husbands child. Then having the babies. I wouldn't call it a happy and joyous time for me either.

My COM didn't learn that the twins were not my H until the twins were a couple of years old. By then my oldest a son, he took it the hardest. I think because he knew the whole dynamics of what that really meant. My other two took it alot better being about 10, 12 years old about the time.

I think I am one of the FWW that we seeked CS from MM. Having 3 COM and then having twins (where I had to quit working) we just couldn't make it without my income and bringing two more children into the world. But if you can financially handle the responsibilty I wouldn't go my route. Even with getting CS my H thinks MM got off too easy. He just said that a couple of weeks ago. I wish he would of been able to elaborate on why he thinks that.

Reading your posts I know you will make the best decision for your family.

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Originally Posted by Krazy71
Have a good weekend, RB65.

You seem like a VERY intelligent guy. You'll do what's right for you. Don't let anyone blow sunshine up your ___ because they are the one-in-a-million exception to the rule. Don't let a sourpuss like me affect you, either.

VERY wise counsel ... and worth repeating, again!!!

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I have just had a great early/long lunch, one of the perks of working for yourself. WW just took me to see the new Indiana Jones movie. I know it’s a little cheesy, but I love these movies. It makes me feel like a kid again. It’s not the best of the series, but it’s a fun couple of hours. There were times when I would never think of sneaking away from work to see a movie, but it’s just another way to show WW that she is a priority.

It’s a little hard to go do fun things with her because I know that we still have so many issues to deal with and can only hope that we will be able to repair the damage. I feel like it’s a lie sometimes like maybe I’m building up a false sense of hope for both of us. But, it also takes me back to a time when we were best friends and I do hope that we can get there again. I have to admit, though, that it also makes me a little angry that she was so quick to just throw everything away. When do the emotions quit bouncing all over the place.

It does help me keep going when she acknowledges the damage she has done. When she dropped me off back at the office she reached over and grabbed my hand and told me that she was so sorry for all the hurt she has caused and that she is very grateful that I am even willing to give her a chance to make this right. I told her that she’s off to a good start and that I appreciate her efforts. But, like I told her a couple of days ago, I can’t promise her that this will all work out. I can only promise her that if she does all of the things we’ve talked about that I will give it my all. I really believe that she is trying her best, but even when she does things that I told her I needed to be able to heal, it just doesn’t seem to be enough. Maybe it will get better over time. I guess we’ll see.


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RB,

It's so fresh still.... give yourself kudos for how far you have come in only a month.

Enjoy those small moments. How wonderful that the 2 of you had that time together today.

You will be in our thoughts this weekend.

Take care!


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6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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RB,

"it just doesn’t seem to be enough. Maybe it will get better over time. I guess we’ll see."

Right now, knowing what you have just been through, it is NOT enough, because you are numb and in shock.

It DOES get better...well the pain, anger, loss, and grief become less as the wound heals over time.

It looks like with your attitude, your family's support, and your wife's commitment the healing process will be much faster.

ENJOY your 4 day weekend. (4 days?? wow cool)

kirk


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Thanks for taking the time to post to me. There is a lot of wisdom in your story.

I know that we have basically 2 options. Those being adoption or raising the baby ourselves. While adoption would be the easiest thing for me, I worry about the impact that will have on my other 3 kids. They are much older than yours and will know from the beginning that the baby is not mine. But, I worry about the emotional damage to them of seeing their 1/2 brother or sister given up for adoption. I also worry about what it will do to my wife. I am coming to realize that part of the price of saving my marriage may be that I have to come to terms with raising OC. I still have a lot of soul searching left to decide if I'm up to this challenge and if I will be able to do this w/o lingering resentment for the child or my wife. I know that if this had happened 15 years ago, that it would have been a deal breaker for me. But, at this point I have over 23 yrs of my life invested in this relationship and the overwhelming majority of those years have been good. I know that I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do everything in my power to rebuild this marriage.

It does me a lot of good, to hear about success stories like yours. It has also been good to hear about the stories that don't end so well. I want to go into this with both eyes open.


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It’s a little hard to go do fun things with her because I know that we still have so many issues to deal with and can only hope that we will be able to repair the damage.

Working towards recovery is like eating an elephant.

The only way to do it is one bite at a time.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

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RB:

I suggest you consider ending the marriage. Don't do it now----at this time you have too much to think about. AT this time considering divorce is unthinkable.

However, in 2-3 years all the turmoil will be gone and you will be able to think. I would not adopt the child as this will tie you down and you may not be able to maneuver when the dust settles in 2-3 years.

You are still young and can have a new life.

Don't get me wrong. Saving the marriage as I did is a beautiful thing, but I wonder about the issue of a OM's child reminding you of the affair on a daily basis.



Stanley
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