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lovin i agree sstart your own thread.. you will hear some negative things for sure and some spiteful ones also. i would suggest you just respond to the ones that help you and try and ignore any that are just looking to condem you.

wishing you luck


me-59 ww-55
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luvin.

Please note there is a special forum that applies to those in your situation. It does NOT get as much traffic as GQ, so if you really can't read and reject the negative, you might try there.

I do encourage you to post your own thread and ask your questions. While some here do judge someone harshly, others do not, all depending on the situation. Mostly 2X4s are called for in context.

Try it.

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Luvin,

Well, I have been in your shoes, just a slightly different color and size. The forum mentioned is on this site, called the Pregnancy/Child forum. I am 8 years post D-day(well, in July) and have been through a lot. I am willing to share and help as much as I can. Your position is a very difficult one, but it is survivable. So as not to take any more from RB's thread, why not start one on the P/C board. I'll look for it there.


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me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
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Thank you but no thanks. I had a simple question for RB that I did not feel comfortable asking here and you all tell me to start my own thread? And what is starting my own thread, based on a question I had for RB, going to do?

Had I wanted to start my own thread and share my story, I certainly would have. I only and briefly explained why I was hesitant to ask the question here because you all pretty much asked why I wouldn't.

RB, good luck with your situation. I admire the steps you have taken so far and will follow your story throughout the months. I'm sorry to have interupted this thread.

K~


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Luvin - I don't blame you for not wanting to start your own thread. But please realize that if you ever want to, there is help and support here. And welcome to MB.

A lot of us have posted here for a long time and "know" each other. Sometimes it is difficult for a newbie. Hope you will continue reading and posting here.

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Originally Posted by luvinmygirl
Yet he is not, in my opinion, at a point where he feels like he can address the issues without taking great offense to a part in which he played in the affair.

First of all, start your own thread.

Secondly, unless he was involved in a menage a trois with you and OM, he didn't play any part in the affair. He may have not been meeting your ENs, but that in no way justifies your actions. My advice to you would be to drop what he's been doing wrong, court him back to the marriage, and then work on building a better relationship where both your needs are met. Talking about what he did wrong will only keep you divorced, I guarantee, so I would drop it if I were you. The affair is ALL YOUR FAULT. Bringing up what he has done wrong is irrelevant to your mistakes.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
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Originally Posted by luvinmygirl
Thank you but no thanks. I had a simple question for RB that I did not feel comfortable asking here and you all tell me to start my own thread? And what is starting my own thread, based on a question I had for RB, going to do?


It would get your question out there for other's who have been in your position to answer. Prime example, I have an OC from an A that happened 8 years ago. Hence my statement of "in your shoes but different color and size".



Had I wanted to start my own thread and share my story, I certainly would have. I only and briefly explained why I was hesitant to ask the question here because you all pretty much asked why I wouldn't.


I know how it feels to not know how I would be accepted, especially in a situation such as yours. It never hurts to ask a question, especially on a forum such as this. If you pose that question in such a way as to remain anonymous then you have nothing really to fear. You can't be helped if you don't ask for that help.

RB, good luck with your situation. I admire the steps you have taken so far and will follow your story throughout the months. I'm sorry to have interupted this thread.


I don't think you've interupted anything, but really wish that you would post your own story so that others(and I'm not the only one) who have been in your shoes and are further down the road of recovery can help you figure out how we might be able to help.

K~

I really wish you would post your own story and ask as many questions as you need to. I like to think that my situation happened for me to be able to help others who find themselves in similar situations. But, I will also understand if you choose to remain silent.


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Wow, so many new questions from over the weekend. I’ll try to answer as many as possible and I’m sorry if I miss any.

First, as far as OM being a serial cheater, I received this info from his wife. My wife heard about it shortly after d-day from a friend at her former employer. I followed up with OMW and confirmed the info. After I exposed this affair to her, she started digging, and all of the skeletons started falling out of the closet. There is no may my wife would ever allow a man like this to parent her child. Adoption would be hard enough for her with the child going to a good home.

Next, the idea of adoption is one that she’s willing to discuss, but I’m not sure that she will ever come to the point of actually placing this child. We know a lot about adoption, because we have really good friends who have adopted 2 children. Both of their adoptions are considered open adoptions where they have met the birth parents and maintain some level of communication. In fact, they have been meeting the birthparents of their oldest daughter once a year for the past 12 years and their son’s birthparents 2x a year for the past 7 years. They rave about how great this has been for their children. The amount of openness is determined by the adoptive parents with the consent of the birth parents. At this point, this type of arrangement is about the only way my wife could accept placing this child. My gut tells me that in the end she won’t be able to do this and that we will end up parenting this child.

Luvin, I would be glad to answer any questions you have for me. But, I would prefer you just post your question and ignore anyone who wants to hammer you. I am uncomfortable with contact outside of the message board for several reasons. First, I would not post if my wife were not comfortable with it. She supports me posting and having an outlet to express my struggles as long as it is anonymous. Second, for years I have maintained a personal rule to not engage in any form of one-on-one communications about personal matters with persons of the opposite sex and that includes emails, text messages, phone calls, and private conversations. It’s just something that I committed to about 20 years ago after attending one of the old Promise Keepers conferences. It protects me from even the appearance of impropriety. But, I promise to answer your question as honestly as possible if you will post it.

Finally, by getting OM to sign away his parental rights, we can insure that any future contact with this child will be on our terms. In this state, if he signs away his rights, he never has any legal rights to visitation or custody. This is the same process that is used for adoptions where the birth parents give up any future rights to the child. That would open the door to allow me to adopt the child and have all the legal rights of being his/her father. We’ve talked about it a little bit, and agree that we would approach it much like an adoption. We would be honest with the child about his/her biological father and allow some form of contact in the future that is agreeable to both us, the OM, and the child. Is it worth giving up the child support to be able to control any future contact and have it be on our terms? Given the amount of money involved, I tend to think it is.


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Originally Posted by luvinmygirl
My situation is a bit different because now I am officially divorced (very very hasty decision on BOTH our parts) and very much want reconcilliation with my ex. He on the other hand cannot get past the hurt, anger, confusion, etc., which I can understand. Yet he is not, in my opinion, at a point where he feels like he can address the issues without taking great offense to a part in which he played in the affair.

Luvin:

I hate to break it to you, but this quote speaks volumes of your mentality.

Your H had NO PART in your affair. He may have made mistakes as a husband, but the decision to have an affair was entirely yours.

You have other kids with your H?

If you don't, then let the man live in peace as he gets over your betrayal.

RB is in a situation where he's attempting to keep together a marriage with a history and 3 other children involved. He's attempting to make the best of a bad situation. Right now it's an attempt and the outcome is unknown.

Sorry about the 2x4, but saying your ex had a part in your affair is wrong. You made that decision and are now wanting to get this man back in your life after betraying him in the worst way possible and you want him to accept the idea of raising another man's child.

I sure hope you're not going to try to stick him with the child support once this baby is born. Your mistake. Your consequences.

You can't comprehend the enormity of the betrayal that comes with infidelity until you've been on the receiving end of it. One way to heal is to apologize with no "but".

In other words, don't say things like, "I'm sorry I did what I did, but...."

There is no "but". And you owe him the apology regardless of his willingness to return to you.


Last edited by pomdbd3; 06/09/08 09:23 AM. Reason: To apologize for the threadjack.

D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06

DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)

She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.

Never going to happen.

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Hello:
If this child is adopted out (many wonderful people out there would give anything to have him/her- my brother waited YEARS) or if you raise him/her:

The only advice I can say is:
It is right to let the child know the biological father. If you keep him/her or adopt him/her.

If you plan on keepinh the child- do not list yourself as the father:
First, it is illegal to knowingly falsify a legal document, including a birth certificate. This is a biological history/heredity issue that belongs to the child- sorry if that is upsetting.

Secondly, look into the laws of your state. You may raise the child, but if your marriage does not work out (not to jinx you) you do not deserve to pay child support for 18 years on another mans baby.
That is HIS 18 year club-- not yours. Depending on the state- you may have to pay anyway.

I also agree that the biological father should pay child support. All DNA parents should do this.

My uncle had his first wife run off TWICE. Came back "with child" twice- he took her back, twice - she ran off and divorced him a few years later- he paid child support for my cousins Timmy and Tammy until they were both 18.

Only good news is
He still considers them his kids. She lives with him as an adult. But what her DNA dad got away with was disgusting.




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Just to 2nd that, the only reason I think that my wife and I have made as much progress as we have is that within a few weeks of d-day, she was able to take the “but” out of the apology. I can’t tell you how many times on the 1st month she apologized and included that “but.” I continually reminded her that while I would take responsibility for my part in the condition of our marriage, that I would not take any responsibility for her affair. When she finally apologized and told me that it was ALL her fault and that no matter what was going on in our marriage that it still didn’t excuse what she had done, I finally knew that she “got it.” Since then, she has done everything I have asked of her and more to aid in our recovery. That is the sole reason that I am even able to entertain the idea of recovering our marriage to possibly include parenting the OC.

Quick Update.

We had a really good weekend. The camping trip w/ DS16 went great. We didn’t catch many fish, but we had a great time together and some really good, open discussions. He still has a lot of resentment towards his mother, but he has made so much progress in the past 6 weeks. It made me proud to hear how he has processed his anger and is slowly getting beyond it. It also gave me a chance to answer a lot of his questions about how I have been handling things and why I have done things the way I have.

Then, Saturday night, my wife and I enjoyed an incredible dinner and a play. We even had coffee(decaf) after the show and sat in the park talking before we went home. It was nice to have an evening together and avoid all of the relationship talk for a few hours. We have a lot of issues to deal with, both individually and together, in the next few months. But, I think it is very important to not let this dominate every facet of our lives. Being a runner, I understand the importance of pacing. I can run a mile in about 7 ½ minutes, but I can only maintain that pace for a few miles. When I’m running a marathon, I have to slow down the pace to about 8 ½ minutes per mile if I want to finish. I have to keep reminding myself that my wife and I are running a marathon and not a 5k.


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Barbie,

I agree with you that the biological father should be listed on the birth certificate. In our state, the OM could not relinquish his parental rights until after the child is born and he is listed as the father on the birth certificate. Also, at some point, this child deserves to know who his/her biological father is so lying about that to them is only asking for problems down the road.



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RB,

Thanks for sharing and teaching some of us.

On rare occasions, the one that has come here to get support from this forum has actually given to the forum more than we can possibly help.

You seem to have your act together while working through this chaos brought into your life.

There is no way to know how many (registered / lurkers) people you have assisted.


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Originally Posted by Runnerboy65
Barbie,

I agree with you that the biological father should be listed on the birth certificate. In our state, the OM could not relinquish his parental rights until after the child is born and he is listed as the father on the birth certificate. Also, at some point, this child deserves to know who his/her biological father is so lying about that to them is only asking for problems down the road.

I only know a very few things about my biological father. I know his name from the birth certificate. I know my mother was very, very young when she had me; pregnant at 16, gave birth at 17. I was told that he died of double pneumonia and my mother received a social security check until I was 18. She has always refused to discuss him in any way, form or fashion and I resented it and still do. I have had no success in tracing who he was. I was told two more things; one is that he rode motorcycles (exciting for teenage female) and that he had a brother who moved to Texas.

That's it. Not a shred more. I would love to find out more, especially about his brother and any issues with family genetic predisposition to health issues. But I am unlikely to find that peace of mind. I am not looking to love the man, just to find out who he was.

For whatever it is worth.

Larry

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Update:

It’s been a rough couple of days around here. Nothing particular happened, I have just been triggered by a number of things. I also found myself a little worn down by the battle. I haven’t posted because I just wanted to put it all out of my mind for a while. That’s the reason they have halftime in football and basketball games. It gives you time to regroup and recharge for the remainder of the game. For me, I just immersed myself in my work and tried not to think about my situation too much. It has helped some and I’m almost ready to jump back in with both feet. I tend to do better when I keep myself busy and I’ve just had too much time to think this week w/ DD11 at the beach with her best friend’s family and DS16 working a lot of hours at his summer job in the evenings.

The good thing is that my wife has picked up on my feelings and given me some space. She told me over breakfast yesterday that she couldn’t imagine how hard all of this was on me, but that she appreciated my commitment to her, our marriage, and our family. She also said that she would give me as much “me” time as I needed but that she was there when I wanted to talk about anything. It’s nice to see that she is at a place where she is strong enough to bear her share of the recovery work. I’m guessing this is just part of the up and down ride of recovery.

We have a family vacation planned for next week and I hope that a week of just having fun together and as little relationship talk as possible will help all of us recharge our batteries a bit. A week on a ship soaking up the sun and drinking boat drinks(as Jimmy Buffet calls them) should go a long way to curing what ails me.


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Originally Posted by Runnerboy65
I tend to do better when I keep myself busy and I’ve just had too much time to think this week w/ DD11 at the beach with her best friend’s family and DS16 working a lot of hours at his summer job in the evenings.

Are you so worn out you forgot how old your daughter is? grin


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
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I don't know if that was a typo or wishful thinking. She will actually be 13 in a few weeks going on 18 in her mind.


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rb i wish i had the magic words or potion to take all the pumps out of this road. but i don't. i can tell you this that you are doing extremely well from this side of the screen.

i know at this time it may seem hard to see but you are very lucky to have the w that you do. the words from your own finger tips are

""""""""""""""""""The good thing is that my wife has picked up on my feelings and given me some space. She told me over breakfast yesterday that she couldn’t imagine how hard all of this was on me, but that she appreciated my commitment to her, our marriage, and our family. She also said that she would give me as much “me” time as I needed but that she was there when I wanted to talk about anything. It’s nice to see that she is at a place where she is strong enough to bear her share of the recovery work.

there are many w's, mine included, that have/had a hard time separating the responsibility for their actions from the h's responsibility for the state of their marriages.

your w seems to have gotten the picture and that my friend is a HUGE asset in the recovery of your marriage.

Just curious if you care to share, if not no big deal. what part of the country do you call home? east, midwest, west, west coast? i am in the so cal area. it sounds like you have some great access to areas for family outings.

Last edited by pops; 06/12/08 01:57 PM.

me-59 ww-55
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""""""""""""""""I don't know if that was a typo or wishful thinking. She will actually be 13 in a few weeks going on 18 in her mind.


Oh Lordy i have found new sympathy for you. our #3 dd is 13 also and i can tell you having lived thru it twice already that on July 27th in the summer between elementary school (6th grade) and middle school (7th grade) at exactly 2 am in the morning they change from your sweet innocent little princess to the kid from haydes with 3 ' horns growing out of their heads by sun up.

and A-T-T-I-T-U-U-U-D-E crazy

Last edited by pops; 06/12/08 02:07 PM.

me-59 ww-55
married 1979 - together since 1974
6 kids together 15,19,21,23,29,30
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d-day (confession day) memorial day 2001
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Pops,
I guess it's a matter of perspective, but in comparison to most of the WW's on this board I am indeed fortunate for the way mine has accepted responsibility for her affair and committed to recovery. In fact, I worry at times that she beats herself up too much. After all, the end goal is for both of us to recover and I want the wife I've been with since college back, not a wife thats been destroyed by guilt.

I guess these little difficult periods just serve to remind me that recovery is a long term process.

As to my location, I live on the east coast and I am indeed fortunate to live where I live. We are just a few hours from the coast and numerous beaches. we are also a 1 1/2 - 2 hour direct flight away from anywhere in florida which makes cruises fairly attractive and affordable. We were also fortunate that we were able to buy a lakefront lot and build a house on it 15 years ago before the residential real estate market went crazy. So, just staying at home can be a vacation for me because I love the lake.


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