You have every right to be done with this marriage. That is a choice you can make and no one here will fault you for it.

We will help you through, either way....trying to restore your marriage or divorce and moving on.





I know you feel hurt deeply by your church. They are a bunch of humans who make mistakes, who have their own baggage, and who fall short...just like the rest of us.

I look back on my life and wonder how many times I was clueless to someone else's suffering. I was certainly clueless about infidelity.

I'm sorry they let you down and haven't been the support you needed.

But God WILL provide for all your needs. Sometimes in ways you just wouldn't expect.

Perhaps being here on this board is the support he is providing for you.

Perhaps he is strengthening you and showing you that you CAN make it, even without IRL help.





I think you KNOW that God loves you. I've seen it in your posts over and over.

This is happening because your WH has free will. Satan knocked on a door and your WH didn't realize it was satan. He opened that door and satan got a foothold. That foothold grew until your WH was so enmeshed in his sin he couldn't see truth from lies anymore. He is now driven by his flesh instead of by the Holy Spirit. His selfish, fleshly desire drive him.

BUT if he truly has the Holy Spirit, he will have no rest. There will be an internal battle for his soul that you are completely unaware of. He will enjoy his sin for a season, but it will eventually destroy him. He will not eat, he will not sleep. He will be tormented....until he repents.

While all of this is happening, you are leaning on the Lord to be your husband, your strength and your provider.

There is no guarantee that your WS will ever choose to free himself of is fleshly desires.

BUT, God does tell us that HIS grace is sufficient.

It is time to stop praying for your WS to return home.

It is time for you to pray that God have his way with your WS. Do you see the difference?

It is time to ask God to heal your heart and help you to become the person he desires you to be.

It is time to surrender YOUR will to God and to trust him when he says he has plans to prosper you and not to harm you.

A turning point for me was when I honestly embraced that, when I realized that I had NO IDEA HOW he would prosper me, when I began to open my eyes that God could prosper me greatly even without my husband's return.








Now this is just your own fog babble and you need to stop that.

It will not do you nor your children any good.

We all have moments of doubt, but do not let that consume you and give satan a foothold into YOUR heart. He is knocking on your door right now with whispers of doubt and discouragement. Rebuke him out loud and cast his wicked behind out of your life and your children's lives.

There are times of trials and sufferings in ALL our lives. Some of us bear more than others, but we all suffer. And what does God say about our suffering:

Rejoice in that suffering, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit.

God will do great things THROUGH these trials you face, IF YOU surrender your will to Him without your own personal expectations of HOW God needs to do it.

He is God. He may have blessings in your life you cannot yet fathom.

Our minds are miniscule compared to what God can do.





There are MANY people here on this board who had NO IRL help. This ain't about YOU.

People have their baggage. They struggle with fears. They worry about doing the WRONG thing and sometimes allow that fear to prevent them from doing ANY thing.

Look to God, not to the imperfect people around you.





Now you're just speaking more of BS babble.

I covered this above.

There is NOT ONE BS on this board or on earth who is worthless. We've just been devastated by the one person we thought we could trust above all others.

You have suffered the greatest trauma you probably ever will.

Give yourself a break.





You have every right and reason to give up on your marriage.

BUT

You have NO RIGHT OR REASON to give up on your children or on you!

If you get nothing else out of my post, GET THAT!






How can you consider that the RIGHT THING be give HIM the children??????

You are the only sane parent your children have right now.

I know you are weary, but they need YOU! Not some wacked out, sin-ridden wayward father, let alone the ho he would bring around if you were out of the picture.

Are you really willing to turn your children over to the homewrecker who is attempting to destroy their lives????

Find your MamaBear and battle for your children.

This isn't just about their earthly life. This is about satan working to destroy ALL OF YOU. If he takes your WH out through fleshly lust and takes you out through discouragement and hopelessness, he's got your children easily. Who's going to fight for their souls, if not you?



Your story is not over yet.

Let it be written that your life glorified God through trials and sufferings.

Let it be written that you fought for the souls of your children....AND WON!

They need you.

Even when you feel incompetent...they need you.

Even when you feel like you've failed...they need you.

All they need from you is to.....not quit on them.


SunflowerSmile/sexymamabear

Yeah! What SS said. Excellant post SunflowerSmile! I have spent much time praying for KLB since I read her post last night. I'm so glad she has such wonderful support here.

God's Blessings,

Say

Prayers going up for you and your family. And a special prayer to rebuke Satan. He is attacking this family with zeal.

Good Morning-
I am still alive and looking at the green side of the grass, I can't say that there is any feeling or anything, I feel nothing, just numb and empty.
I was doing okay yesterday and then a friend called to tell me her husband bumped into my husband and they talked. She told me he is smoking again, and when asked about me and the kids all he said is we're not talking right now. Friend said he looked like he had crawled out from under a rock. I just can't deal with it all anymore! I am so lonely and afraid and I quit school today because I can't concentrate or even think straight to attempt something that costs that much money!
I am currently staying with my parents, they were afraid to leave me alone after yesterday, not that I would do anything stupid, just that I have been so distraught since my anniversary they don't know what to do, so they resort to hollering at me and telling me that he was never going to be like my dad! Oh yeah that helps, they also basically told me they never liked or approved of him, but I chose him and he put food on the table a roof over our heads and provided, but other than that he was nothing.
I don't even want to go on a 9 hour car trip with them and stay with them for the next 11 days, but I have nothing and no one else. I don't know what to do or how to provide for my children I have no church I have a few friends, but EVERYONE is telling me that he is NEVER going to come back. I know that they are probably right, but I wanted so badly to believe that God could or would change him for the children. I never wanted them to live a life without their dad, I thought that if I withheld them due to his selfishness and lack of interest that it would help him to miss them and realize what he had given up, but I guess not, I don't want to break Plan B, but no one else seems willing to talk straight or reality with him! It has been a month since he has seen or talked with his children!!! My family feels that I am holding on to a pipedream and that even if he did come back that he would do what he wanted and I would sooner rather than later end up right back where I am not because of me but because he doesn't care about anyone or anything but himself. I guess I am starting to think that maybe he is lost and gone, and that frightens me because I don't want to be alone, he was my best friend and he threw me away like a piece of trash. I can't help but think that I am trash! My parents are furious at that, and tell me that this is all my fault that I allowed him to take my self worth from me, but honestly I never had it to begin with and what little I had was what he helped me to find and then yes, in the end he destroyed that too with his lies and betrayal and adultery.
SO, here I am not knowing where to go or what to do? I know that answers don't come in a heartbeat, but I have been sitting here for 3 months trying to get up everyday and find the strength to just make it back to bed again. I can't even find joy with my children. Everything is so tiring and overwhelming. I don't even know if God is with me. Maybe my faith was never real, it isn't like I hear his voice or know what I am supposed to do. Maybe I am just a poser too like my husband was? I don't think I am, I genuinely want to know and seek God, but maybe he doesnt want me? Oh well, there are no answers, and I must tend to the children. I don't know where to go or what to do, I know I will eventually be okay, but how do I get to eventually when all I want was in yesterdays?????

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR PRAYERS, I am so lost... I am trying SS I am trying, I just want someone to hug me and tell me that I will be okay. I know that you all are, but I am so lonely....

I know that Satan wants me and I don't want to give in, but I don't know how to go one either. It hurts so bad!!!!!! I want to feel again anything but numb or a mess! I want to give my children the life of happiness, love and security that they deserve, but I don't know how! I have no skills. What do I do for a job to provide for them, I have no car, no help with childcare, and I am so scared. I just wanted to be a mommy and stay home till they went to school, but the school district we are in is horrible, but it is where we are, so I know that they must go back there in the fall.

WHY!!!!!!!!!

kl,

Everything you just said

I went through.

And my husband never even left me for the OW.


You are feeling normal feelings in this extraordinarily difficult time.

I felt rejected. - normal. Your husband has been having an affair. It is normal to feel "less than" at this time in your life. It does NOT make it true that youARE "less than". Just because you feel something does not make the feeling into reality. (Look at your WH for proof of that - just because he is in a fantasy that he feels is true, does not make it true!)

I felt lost and confused. - normal. This doesn't make it easier, but to know that this is a normal reaction to such a huge earthquake in your life, that you aren't losing your mind, should make you feel a bit calmer.

I felt numb. Right at about your timeline, I felt numb. I think my mind and body were worn out from all the emotions, all the gut-wrenching, crying, worry, thinking, working, and all the rest. I think this is just your body's way of trying to stop things for a bit, to take a rest. You just "numb out", in order to take a break.

I felt disconnected. I sometimes looked at people and thought, "I don't think they have any idea what I am going through. They do not connect with me, and I don't connect to them." People around me had no idea what I wanted (I'm not so sure I did either).

Your family's reaction? Normal. They are doing what they believe is the thing they need to do to defend you, to stand up against his behavior, and to rescue you. They think that they need to get him away from you, to protect you. What might be good is to just let them know that you just need their love, and that you don't want them to say negative things about him right now - that it isn't helping you heal or make smart decisions. That you need love and support, but not negative shots at him. Tell them that any talk about him or his behavior for now is off limits - that it only makes things worse, and you are in Plan B, and explain what that means. It will at least put them in your camp for that. Tell them that even if they don't support your decision, they need to respect it for your health and emotional well-being.

I was on a rollercoaster. Sometimes, that rollercoaster started out in the morning fine, but two hours later went up or down. There seemed no predicting it. What I can promise you is that this rollercoaster tends to spread out, that the hills flatten out, the valleys are not as deep, and the twists and turns become much more predictable and you learn to go with them much better. I promise.

I was angry. D a m n skippy.

I cried.

I spent too much time thinking about it, but there seemed to be no way around doing that. The affair occupied the very front part of my thoughts, and there was no eliminating it. The best thing I did was to learn and read about it, so that I came to understand that what I was feeling was NORMAL - and so that I could learn what to expect NEXT. Because there is a fairly predictable pattern of recovering, depending on the process you are going through.

I felt alone. But I learned I wasn't alone. The folks here are here night and day. When nobody seems to be around, well, that isn't quite true. The lurkers are reading, and you can always go back through many many many pages of posts and read story after story - and learn so much about how this affair business plays out.

Sunflower told you that she felt much like you do. That is true. Her story of recovery is very inspiring. Her husband left, and it looked like it was completely over. A done deal. Then, it all turned around. There are so many stories like that on the boards.

I guess I just want to tell you that your feelings are normal, and that it is okay to be angry, hurt, devastated, and to cry. It is also okay to have the moments of laughter - it isn't betraying or ignoring the problems to have those moments, you aren't forgetting about the problems if you have good moments. Sometimes I would forget to do that, or I thought that if I took the time to have a good moment that I was somehow "not working on the problem". It is important to take time for good things throughout this process - or you can lose yourself in it.

We are praying for you. And while you may be having a crisis of faith in God, HE NEVER WAVERS IN HIS FAITH IN YOU. He will wait for you, always. He knows you are there, and has His hand out, holding yours, forever. Just as you always watch over your children, He watches over His.

SB

SB-
I know that you are right and I know that what you are telling me is the truth, I just need to believe! Most of the time I do and I have faith and hope and am doing good, but then those times hit like yesterday and I am so low that I just can't even breathe!

Well, the other bit of news is that NC has been broken. The attorney said I had to in good conscience do the right thing and notify my husband that we were going out of town. I did that this morning after I posted to you all. Call was wonderful we talked a lot and I know that I shouldn't have, but we did and we opened up to one another and shared and I told him what the OW's daughter said to me and he was upset because she told him when he talked to her that it was me that got nasty and she just responded and gave back!
He wants to see the children and I before we go, and I asked him some very direct questions and said that I wanted him to think about them before he saw us: What are you going to do to be a better man/father for them? What are you willing to sacrifice for your children and their well being emotionally and otherwise, What are you willing to do to correct and change what he has done to hurt all of us? He said they were excellent questions and the last one that I asked him was: Will it make more difference to these questions for you to see your children now in your selfishness when you say YOU want to or to wait till we get back and you have really had time to think about what you are willing and going to do? He asked me to call him back tonight and he would let me know.
He apologized for the support problem he said that he had to get some of the bills on his end caught up and that is why he paid me out of the line of credit.
So much was said, he doesn't know who to talk to because everyone thinks that he is a jerk and an idiot, and that everyone doesn't understand. I said I really do understand and want to understand, but that will require some sacrifices on his behalf in order to get that. I also told him I found a marriage retreat (which I have) for us to go and get help and try to heal ourselves and our marriage. I reiterated that I was right here standing strong for him and us and that I know that this was going to be a very long and difficult journey, but that I have already been taking a hard, too hard at times, look at my mistakes and how I didn't meet his emotional needs and pushed him away and made his adultery easier. He said he had a laundry list if I wanted it of all the things that I had done wrong, and I said that I would graciously take them and look at how I could grow in those areas, if he would also be willing to sit down and really look at the list and think about his actions and how I reacted and then write a list of the positive/good things that I did for him. I explained to him that I could also choose to see the negative and bad things that he has done only, but I choose to see the good things and focus on those in order to save myself and our children from believing a lie. All of us make mistakes and do things that annoy the other, but the choice is ours whether we talk about them or allow them to let Satan get a foothold into us and clearly H chose to let Satan get him. I also told him it made me very sad to see that he had chosen to give me back his Bible, and he gasped and said I have been looking for that and didn't know what happened to it, I didn't mean to give it back and don't know how it got in there. He seemed genuine, but he is still in his sin, so I don't know how much genuine there really is!
Please pray for us, the kids want him to choose to wait, but if he wants to see them today before we leave then I will honor that because I want him to trust me and not think that I am using them as a pawn, which I genuinely am not! Where does this put me I guess I really have to finish the plan B letter but since he clearly doesn't understand because of no exposure to MB and their principles, is that where I need to go, I think that he needs to understand that I will not allow him to suck off of us and her emotionally, but in telling him No Contact he takes that literally and gets angry and doesn't contact the children either. He said that he has thought about and wanted to send notes and letters/emails, but he doesn't know what the rules are and doesn't want to do the wrong thing or upset me/them. So, where do I go from here?

Please finish your Plan B letter and post it here, then give it to him.

I really think it is a mistake to try to reason with a WS. He will just justify in his mind that his adultery is okay.

Go on a little vacation and get some perspective. I will continue praying for you and your family, and if it is okay, will ask prayers from my women's bible study group.

He said today that there is no way to justify his actions, he just knows that he doesn't love me anymore, and he is in another relationship and realizes that it is wrong but it is where he is.

I don't want to reason with him. I just want some sanity and peace. I am leaving tomorrow evening for North Carolina with my parents and children. Husband said that was okay for us to go. I am not really looking forward to it, after the "intervention" session last night. I know that they love me and don't want to see me hurting like this but I am so love me through it don't holler at me and make me feel worse about myself. They started hollering and so I started hollering and it was ugly, they made some valid points, but then they also just blamed and said it was my fault that they don't respect my husband- that I would complain and then they would tell me what they thought. True in some instances, but on other occassions my mom would say that my husband would never be like my dad (loving, attentive, involved, active parent) I recognize that due to the environment that my husband grew up in that was not the model of love that he knows, but that doesn't mean that he is a bad man or that he doesn't love his children. Yes, he is selfish and selfcentered, aren't we all if we really take a good hard look, but H's problem was that as his sin and guilt grew so did the selfishness. I can't blame my family or my husband for their feelings, but they are all wrong. It isn't about H or me it is about the children and doing the right thing for them. So, I am going on this "vacation" with them and I know that it will NOT be the break that I need or want, but I will be getting away from here and all the memories and chances of running into "them"

As soon as I get on the road tomorrow and have a wifi for my laptop I will post my revised Plan B letter, I believe I need somehow to address visitation with the children, but they (kids) don't want to see him while he is still such a mess (physical changes and lies and things)it really frightens them, the baby doesn't care, he doesn't know who he is, so he is fine, but the older two do know and are able but afraid to tell him what and how they feel. Then it makes me look bad, but they are lying to themselves and him if they don't be honest! It is just doing them more damage.

Please- ask your bible study to pray, we need them and appreciate them. I know what you mean about changing my prayer and I have noticed that it had already changed to be Lord, break him and have your way with him. I appreciate all of you and I am sorry for acting like an idiot yesterday. I withdrew from my master's class today, I got an A in the first one, but this second one, I couldn't even concentrate or read the papers. It was the research class for my thesis, I just have too much on my plate and need to focus on the kids and me for now. Job and money and things will come. Time for healing, and to be still, but I really don't know what that means or how to be still?

klb - "everyone" doesn't include me. I am sure that there are a few others on MB who might also exclude themselves from "everyone."

Having said that, I DO know the hopeless feeling and the "Job-like" friends who are reacting and telling you things that upset you.

If you don't think so, would you like me to list the times during my own 6 year recovery where I "felt" ready to "toss in the towel?"

Here's the "secret," such as it is.

Stand ready to be tossed into the fiery furnace or into the lion's den because you choose to believe God above all earthly things. THE primary issue right now is your husban's soul. So let me ask you a direct question. Would you be willing to die if you knew that your death would result in your husband's conviction of his sin and his repentance and return to God?


From your friend's description of your husband, and from what your husband said to you, the fantasy is crumbling and he is feeling "trapped" by his choice and sees no way out of it. Soon the OW will tire of that and the affair will end.



P.S. whereabout's in NC are you going to be vacationing?


God bless.

That's why they call it the rollercoaster. This is the safest place to be when you're at the low points of that lovely ride. You'll be okay. I'm sure you will. God is in control.

Family and friends don't want you to be hurt more. They have a way of making you feel awful though. When my ex ran off with the OW, suddenly my friends and family all started telling me how they didn't know how I put up with him as long as I did. Well, it didn't comfort me at ALL. It just made me feel worse about things.

Try to enjoy your time away. Relax and regroup. I will ask my bible study group to start praying for you. They were the ones who prayed for me when I couldn't pray for myself.

The fantasy might be crumbling, but I need advice BADLY. WH came to see kids before we leave tomorrow and kids confronted him and told them how they feel and started crying and left and went into the house. WH and I talked and it got ugly I asked what sacrifices and pain he is feeling for his actions and for "providing" for his children. I said you are barely getting us by month to month and yet you complain when we see you out buying cigarettes and sodas and candies! He said what he does with what is left is his business, and I said it is our business too, there are a lot of bills and debts that we/you created that need to be taken care of, he said that I should send them his way they can all get in line. He got angrier saying that he is 2 mos behind on truck payment and 3 mos behind on 2 credit cards and 2 no credit no interest credit lines that are due this month and on and on, and I said yeah so I have it too and we now due to your lies have 8,000ish in medical bills. He said and let me guess I am responsible for that too. I said yes you were the policy holder. Great he said and I asked what he was going to do about his relationship with his kids and if he was just going to leave like that walk out on them again. He said he hasn't been there for them for a very long time, that I have said that before and I said no, I said that you had become erratic in your attention and neglectful with your promises. He said whatever I am never coming back and it is clear they want nothing to do with me so have the papers drawn up they're yours. I am done I am never coming back to you, I have never loved you and I don't love you now. I tried to stop him and he shoved me and started talking nasty and I hit him and he kicked me and then the fight began. He got in the car and as he was driving away I reminded him that he did this and he is getting the fruits of his actions. He said whatever I hate you! I said I don't I am disappointed in the man you have become. Then he drove away.

I called him and left a message saying that it didn't have to end like this and that I will have the papers started that he asked for.

What now? I am okay physically I think, I am bruised and hurting, but more than anything I am sad for him. To think that this is the despicable thing that he has become. Please pray for me I notified the lawyer of what happened, so I will probably hear from him tomorrow. I am staying with my parents, so I am not alone, but I am concerned about the house!

{{{{{{{{KLB}}}}}}}}

I have not had the chance to catch up on what is going entirely, but you are getting absolutely the best advice around.

Honey, listen to them get. They know what they are talking about. You need to take care of yourself and leave the WW to G-d. G-d is hurting over this more than you could ever.

Your FAITH is so STRONG. Your TRUST is there.

I remember, so deeply the need to do something, to get him to react to something, to figure it out. But KLB, this isn't your battle anymore. It's between G-d and your WH. You have to step out of it.

Take care of yourself financially, and listen to the vets on here. They know what they are talking about. They have come before us. They have fought the battle and understand what is going on. We can't, our emotions are too raw.

Do you know the Serenity Prayer?
G-d grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.

You will be ok KLB. I NEVER believed it, but it happens.. Just take care of yourself.

You need to write your Plan B letter. You are making the mistake of thinking that he is a reasonable person. He isn't - he is an addict. He will abandon his kids, abandon you, sell his mother, whatever it takes to keep his drug.

You need to have no contact. Your talk with him was full of disrespectful judgements and angry outbursts. And I DON'T BLAME YOU. But stop it now and have no contact. Send your letter and let your attorney handle things.

ForeverHers,
Charlotte or more specifically Concord. I will have my laptop,so I will be checking in periodically. I withdrew from my masters class. I finished the first one with an A, but then all the chaos started swallowing me, so I decided that I need to concentrate on me and the kids for now and try to figure out what I really want to be when I grow up instead of just frantically and desperately trying to find a way to provide for the kids, God will provide, he will show me the way, I need to learn how to be still and as for the letting go, Well, tonight sealed the deal, I am done, I will pray for God to have his way with WH but I am done, NC permanently NC! I hate the man/thing that he has become he is drinking and smoking and has that vile OW and her teenage foulmouthed daughter, and ENORMOUS debt that is starting to break him. Pour it on God Pour it on! I don't mean that in a vindictive way, I just love my husband as he was and want to see him get his life together!
I must go get some ice and tylenol, I am hurting and need to get some sleep, we are leaving tomorrow evening and will stay the night in Harrisonburg, VA and then on to Charlotte in the am on Friday we are hoping to arrive before noon.
Thank you for loving and caring even when I don't! Thank you for your prayers and direction. Any wisdom on a book that I could be studying for now to help me fix me? I tried his needs her needs and all i did was cry. Not ready for that yet, need something focused more on me. I just finished reading Job, still don't really get it, but so totally can relate to his plight and to his friends "help" I have been reading a chapter a day of Proverbs, and reading through the Psalms. I found a fiction book to read on the trip called The Long Road Home, it is by Tommy Tenney and is a retelling of the book of Ruth. So far it is good. What can I be doing to help me find who I am, what I love, what brings me happiness (I know my joy is from the Lord, I may misplace it from time to time, but it is always there) Can you reccomend a bible study online or something or can you challenge us with a study on Godly marriage and holding steady in the storm?

Wow, that was a bad scene. I remember going through a similiar scene with my husband. It ended with him screaming red faced, I don't love you, I've never loved you!!

Believer is right. Get into Plan B ASAP. You need to end all contact with this monster. He IS a monster right now, not the man you married. Leave him to himself. NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL GET THROUGH TO HIM RIGHT NOW.

See the lawyer, get your ducks in row. He is self-destructing and you need to get out of the way. If you need to file to get support and visitation lined up and to protect your remaining assets go ahead and do that. You can always stop the lawsuit down the road as long as he doesn't countersue.

Plan B, Plan B, Plan B. Go very very dark and continue your prayers. I see an unraveling happening.

((((KLB))))

Hi KLB,

I'm glad you are alright after all you have been through tonight. I am so sorry for what is happening in your life. I was so worried about you last night.

Try to pick up a copy of Beth Moore's "Get Out of That Pit" for your time away. I think you will find comfort in it. I pray for you always and will look forward to hearing from you while you are away. Relax and have fun.

God's Blessings,

Say

KLB,

This may feel like a 2X4 so prepare yourself.

You have got to stop all this drama!

Pick your plan and WORK IT. Since you are not yet in Plan B, you should be Plan Aing. You Plan A right up until the MOMENT you deliver your Plan B letter.

You are floundering without any plan and making things worse. Look up the thread on this board about Plan C (Plan Confusion). That is where you are right now, and you've got to get out of it if you want any sanity and peace.

The whole point of Plan A is to leave a positive taste with the wayward when you move into Plan B. Do you think your last interaction with WH will leave a positive taste?

I don't think so either.

The problem is, you tried to jump into Plan B without having your ducks in a row. I advised you a while back to get things READY for Plan B, but to keep Plan Aing until then. But you went and told him "no contact" before you were ready.

You have sabotaged the little bit of Plan A you had going, and you are ruining your credibility for Plan B because you don't have yourself truly ready for it.

You've got to take a step back and calm down.

You are allowing your emotions to control your actions. That has to stop. You've got to get into a plan and then stick with that plan.



Coming here to vent is good. That's how you get your emotions under control for the next encounter with WS.

No more bouncing around between plans.

Marriage Builders will give you the best chance at recovering your marriage. But you have got to work the plans.

So, go on this vacation with your family. Tell them there is to be no talk about WS/affair/divorce. Tell them you need a mental break from it all.

Then DON'T talk to them about it. Talk here. Vent here. People IRL are never going to "get it". They haven't lived it and MB is totally counter-intuitive (the Plans don't SEEM like the right thing to do at first glance).

Take this break. Prepare your Plan B letter. FIND AN INTERMEDIARY. Secure your finances. Set up a visitation schedule (if he chooses to miss the planned visitation, that's his issue, not yours).

Then when ALL of that is ready, deliver your letter and then STAY COMPLETELY DARK.

The fantasy is no where near crumbling and you need to come to terms with that. Your WS is cake eating and is no where near ready to come home or to go on a retreat or

Stop trying to reason with your WH.

Stop trying to educate your WH.

As long as he is involved in an active affair, you CANNOT reason with him. You cannot explain him into sanity.

You are making yourself look desperate and THAT is NOT good.

Calm down. Simply smile and nod at his fog babble. Everything he speaks right now is babble. You cannot break through the fog until his affair is OVER and he has gone through withdrawal.

Your interaction with your WS was full of love busters. You are giving him every reason NOT to come home. You are making OW look very attractive while you LB him and appear desperate to get him back.

He has this interaction with you and then runs to OW. STOP HELPING HER.


Here's what you need to do right now.

1. ANY interaction you have with WS until you deliver Plan B letter should consist of pleasantries. DO NOT discuss your marriage or the affair. Smile and be pleasant. Act like you are dealing with an acquaintance NO MATTER WHAT he says or does. Do not let him see you cry ever again during any of this. Do not beg, plead, reason, or educate him. Do not listen to any fog babble.

2. Go on vacaction and DO NOT talk with family about your marriage or the affair. Tell them you need a mental break. Then STICK TO IT. Refuse to discuss it if they bring it up; and DO NOT bring it up yourself.

3. Prepare Plan B letter and post it here. DO NOT deliver it until you get the OK from the people here.

4. Consult a lawyer and secure your finances.

5. Write up a visitation schedule to attach to your Plan B letter. This schedule should include a drop off/pick up that keeps YOU dark. You can even include daily phone calls at schedule times.

6. Find an intermediary and get them here to read about Plan B.


7. If you cannot stay calm when you are interacting with him, then excuse yourself politely and get away from him...all the while smiling.

It's time to suck it up and get control of yourself. Your children are depending on you to be the grown up.

You CAN do this. But you must set your mind to following the plans.

OK?