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but that oc is a blessing and a gift to him.

I'm in the same boat as your H, AD.

While I'd druther that the adultry never happened, the OCs have made my life better by just BEING. Their wonder and joy in the world has opened my eyes to wonders and joys, JUST like my other children did when they were the ages the OCs are now.

I would be hard pressed to chose...NO adultry would mean no OCs, and that would be a huge loss to our family.

But then, I wouldn't know of the loss would I?

(sigh)

Quote
From what I have seen in life, his W will pay a heavy toll for her decisions, and the payment will last the rest of her life.

She will. I've seen it first hand. It is a hard path that she CHOSE, and once chosing set the ripples outward from her that will touch EVERYONE she touches.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'd much rather be the betrayed than the betrayer. Because once the betrayer realizes the damage they have done (if they do), the enormity of what they've set in motion is terrifying.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

Recovered!
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Perhaps the whole experience has brought AD to her husband in a way that did not exist before and he finds wonderful although very painful as well.

Yes. Exactly. For me, I mean.

Walking and chosing the right path is seldom the easiest and quickest route....but OMGosh! The view is AMAZING and thought provoking and profound.



I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

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MyRev,

I guess I don't agree with this statement
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I would think that self-deception would play a huge role in self-preservation and/or sanity maintenance for the BH.

It seems to me the only self-deception would be to think it cannot work out, when it could. Or that it could work out when it could not.

I think that if someone like RB, or Pops or anyone else who wades into this with their eyes open must look at the data and decide "Am I kidding myself, I cannot handle this" or "Am I kidding myself, I cannot walk away from this because I have a family and I indeed do still love this spouse who has betrayed me."

I don't think there is much delusion/deception going on at all. I think your and your W see things pretty clearly and have made decisions based on the "data" not delusion. In fact, I would guess that right now your marriage is more free of delusion/self-deception than it might have been before. You and your W are very honest with one another. You hide little.

My guess this is also true of RB and his W now. What is their to hide??? All of the laundry is hanging on the line flapping in the breeze.

Would anyone prefer a different situation?? Yes, I think so. But, is anyone really deluding themselves, especially while in recovery? I doubt it. Most of the time everyone is questioning themselves, and examining themselves and their spouse very carefully.

Just thoughts. Got to get to work.

God Bless,

JL

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Don't know much about Pops. I will say however that there are some...I am sure not all...BH's on this site that are raising OC that I think are sincerely delusional about their situation. Again...please hear me...this is not about Pops (I don't know his situation other than he is raising an OC and that what I have read of his posts seem pretty together).


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JL,

As you know, I value your perspective, but in this situation, I just can't agree with you.

I understand where you're coming from, but its just so far outside of my personal thought processes, that I just can't believe it when someone tries to make chicken salad out of chicken [censored] like we've seen on this thread in the past 24 hours.

It just doesn't ring true to MY ears.

From my perspective, I just don't see how a man could ever embrace an OC situation, and put on a "happy face" without a serious amount of self-deception to maintain his sanity.

Now, I can see how a man could review his options and come to the conclusion that for a multitude of reasons he would decide that he sees a better future with his WW, than without her, but to try to spin the OC into a positive is just so far outside of my understanding, as to be unbelieveable.

Possibly that shows more about my inadequacy than the BH's in question ... I don't know, but I just can't buy what many here are trying to sell regarding this subject.

True, FogFree and I are doing very well in our open and honest communications ... probably better than before, although its not a huge improvement as we had a very good M pre-A, but the fact remains that while I see a bright future for us, there will always be a reminder for me in the back of my head of what we lost and will NEVER be able to recover ... hence I have to acquire a taste for this particular flavor of [censored]. Others will have to acquire a taste for different or multiple flavors, but there will ALWAYS be a bad after taste lingering in their mouths.

Some situations are simply worse than others, and I would think that an OC would be one of, if not THE, worst a BH would have to face. Given how much difficulty I'm having in dealing with a relatively minor situation, (although TODAY in particular is not good and I'm dreading waking up tomorrow like the plague) I truly can't comprehend making some the statements we've seen recently on this thread WITHOUT an incredible amount of self-deception involved.

They may have "Faked it until they Made it" as we see advised here quite frenquently, but NO ONE signs up for this on our wedding day, so you simply have to find a way to rationalize what you have chosen to do, and if that also includes raising a living breathing TRIGGER, then the rationalization has to ratchet up to a completely different level of self-deception.

Possibly you have a way to address this that will make sense to me ... you've done it before ... but I've given this quite a bit of thought and feel content with my assessment on this issue.

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Nobody is trying to sell you anything, MyRev.

Some of us are just trying to say, what you find so unbelievable, IS our reality.

You don't have to buy it or believe it, but just because you don't, doesn't make it untrue.



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MyRev,

It's cool. You don't have to agree with me. That is the point really. It something I have learned here. (No that you don't have to agree with me wink ), but that perspective is a huge factor in human relationships and what one may see as simply unacceptable, can be seen by another as acceptable. In fact, it rarely is linear.

For example, while engaged my fiance cheated on me. It was unacceptable to me and we became "disengaged". I saw her one more time in my life. From what I have learned here, if my W cheated on me, I would give it a chance, whereas before I would not even entertain the idea.

I think the OC is actually a rather natural part of an A, as A's are usually PA and we all know how nature works. Could I handle it??? To be honest I am not sure. Would I prefer to remain ignorant of my capabilities? You bet.

But, if I were thinking of worse case scenario's for me, it would be to find out one of my kids was not mine many years later. I would still love the child after all I reared this child, but the years of deception I doubt I could handle. In RB's case he doesn't have that issue.

And really that is the point, we all have our buttons, we all have "no fly" zones, we all have things that would test us so severely that we are "sure" we could not handle them.

I have come to realize after years here that my "no fly" zones are smaller than I thought. I would give it a try in situations I would have told you with certainty I would not have years ago. HOWEVER, I also know, that my tolerance for a WS messing around and not working on recovery, is really much smaller now. KNowing what I know now, I would see and understand things far better than I used to, especially when I was your age. wink .

I would bet that AD's H, RB, Pops, and the rest would be/are much harder to deceive now, and would be gone if their spouses did not put in the necessary effort to address their marriage.

That is really all I am saying. We don't know what we can handle until forced to decide. But, once in that situation, we all really do understand what we can handle and not.

I agree with you, that OC along with A (Duh, they come together) is almost a worst case scenario. For me it would be discoverying years later that a child I reared, loved, protected, and financed was not mine would be a worse case scenario, especially if the W KNEW this was the case from the beginning. I would still love the child, kids are lovable, but history would be destroyed as would any trust in WS.

WE all pick our own poison. At least to me it seems that way.

God Bless,

JL

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Originally Posted by Just Learning
I agree with you, that OC along with A (Duh, they come together) is almost a worst case scenario. For me it would be discoverying years later that a child I reared, loved, protected, and financed was not mine would be a worse case scenario, especially if the W KNEW this was the case from the beginning. I would still love the child, kids are lovable, but history would be destroyed as would any trust in WS.

JL,

We're cool ... just a discussion about perspectives, and once again you gave me another angle from which to view the issue, as I agree with your example being "WORSE" than what I described.

I have a further question I'm pondering ... let me consider it a bit and then possibly I'll start a new thread to get your thoughts.

Thank You.

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JL

I am glad I never had to face what RB has on his plate. I do not know how I could handle it. Do I make my children pay the price of having their home and family broken because I refuse to recover. That's the only thing I see keeping RB around.

It greatly saddens me to see him have to go through this. It hurts reading about his plight.


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Dealan-de,

A slight TJ here, but I want to convey my admiration for you. You are without a doubt one of the most thoughtful, mature. loving posters here. I believe everything you say about your relationship with your OCs.

I believe it because I know that GOD can change hearts. I know that HE can turn the bad to good. I know that he can HEAL the broken heart. Not just patch it up so that it isn't falling apart, but actually heal it. In HIS time, in HIS way. I know too that it is impossible to explain this.

My H did not have an OC, so I at least don't have to deal with that. His was just an ordinary, garden-variety, heart-breaking affair.

I want so badly to forgive him, but my heart is sooooo afraid that he will hurt me again, one way or another.

YOUR postings absolutely FILL me with hope. With the hope that God can change BOTH of our hearts. I see that he has healed YOU and your family and that it is REAL, not just a grudging acceptance of what you can not change. I know that this is what RB is looking for and I am sure your posts give him the hope that he will have it too.

It hurts my heart that so many posters see this only one way. Either RB breaks up his family OOOORR he sucks up his hurt and betrayal and lives only half a life. I see another option, that RB AND his wife are allowing God to work a forgiveness miracle in their lives. I wish I could see down the road 10 years and see the blessings that have come from this once horrific situation.(Actually, I think that YOU, Pops, and Autumn Day have given us a hint of that possible picture.)

Thank you for your compassion and wisdom Dealan. You bless me.

TJ over.

Blessings,
WH2LE

Last edited by Wknghrd2LoveEasy; 07/15/08 05:24 PM.

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MyRev,

You said:

Quote
They may have "Faked it until they Made it" as we see advised here quite frenquently, but NO ONE signs up for this on our wedding day, so you simply have to find a way to rationalize what you have chosen to do, and if that also includes raising a living breathing TRIGGER, then the rationalization has to ratchet up to a completely different level of self-deception.


I am here to let you know that as with AD's DH, my DH has lovingly and knowingly raised my OC and been blessed to have her, and has said so on many occasions! Was it easy, is it easy? No, but HE chose to raise her with me. I was even willing to give her up for adoption, which my DH chose not to do. I put the decision completely in his hands. What he wished, I was willing to do in order to save our M. We have had our ups and downs, even now, but that's what a M is all about. NOTHING in this world is perfect. My DH is NOT deceiving himself. I often bounce things off him from posters here, especially when it comes to accepting the OC. We haven't had a discussion lately about it, but last time we did, he had no regrets on his decision.

As with everything else in life, unless you are or have lived it, you can't possibly know how you would react, or what you would feel.

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Now, I can see how a man could review his options and come to the conclusion that for a multitude of reasons he would decide that he sees a better future with his WW, than without her, but to try to spin the OC into a positive is just so far outside of my understanding, as to be unbelieveable.


At the time of the decision, the OC isn't a positive, it's what you make of it as time goes by. The OC can be a positive, just NOT the way the OC came to be. Just as the COM and BS are the innocents in all this, so is the OC. It's how you decide to deal with the OC that can make it into a positive experience. We were NOT in a full recovery when OC was born, but I CAN tell you that it did help bond us further after she was born in how my H saw her as another victim to my actions. Now, 7+ years later, she is OURS, not MY oc, but OUR DD. I am one of the FWW who have not told and never will tell the xom about OC, since he was very violent and threatened harm(noted in the police report and his discharge) to my H.

Each couple needs to do what they are capable of doing in order to save their M. Since EVERYONE is different in this world, so is the way everyone deals with situations such as ours. I'm not sure if you can search my H's posts, but if you look back at my original posts, and read any by Sailorman59, you will see what we went through around 8 years ago. Some of the posts may seem familuar to what you are reading from RB.



Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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The Road,

You said
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JL

I am glad I never had to face what RB has on his plate. I do not know how I could handle it.



Me too!


Quote
Do I make my children pay the price of having their home and family broken because I refuse to recover. That's the only thing I see keeping RB around.

Well, see here is where we differ abit. I sense RB has a deep love of his W, deeper than he realized and much deeper than she realized. Yes, the older children are a priority to think about, but I don't think one gets through what RB is going through unless there is deep love. If she shows him her love of him, then I think they have a good chance. Here is where Harley's concept of a love bank is really tested. If it is empty on either of their parts, I think this deal is over. Oddly, I don't think either account is empty.

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It greatly saddens me to see him have to go through this. It hurts reading about his plight.

Me too! But more important I think RB would say "Me too!" as well.

You know TheRoad, one of the most amazing aspects of this site, is you see how truly amazing people can be in some of the most painful situations. In over 9 years here, I never cease to be amazed. Perhaps that is why I hang around.

God Bless,

JL

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tigger

"I was even willing to give her up for adoption, which my DH chose not to do. I put the decision completely in his hands. What he wished, I was willing to do"

This was noble and generous offer to your BH on your part to give up your child. Especially if their are COM to consider and not just the OC.

But!

How can a BH, if he loves his wife force her to give up her child? How can he break her heart, and later the OC's heart when the OC learns that his stepdad forced his mom to get rid of him.

Even if the child learns who his mom is when he is 18 and reconnects with her and then has a close relationship as if they were never separated. OC still has to be sad and have regrets for the lost 18 years.

What happens, and in your case I do not know, if the OC in no way resembles the BH. Even maybe mixed race?

There is never really a choice for the BH.
It's not accepting the OC. The OC is innocent.

It's the price a BH has to pay to preserve his family.
In life you have to pay for everything.

When a WW gets pregnent by the OM, she made herself extremely expensive.

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Wow, so many posts. I don’t know quiet where to start but here goes. From there I’m sitting, I can see a lot of truth in most of the posts of the past few days. Many offer divergent views, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t some truth in all of them.

First, I will be the first to say that my situation SUCKS. I wouldn’t wish all of this on my worst enemy. But, that doesn’t mean that all hope is lost. MyRev suggested that it required a certain amount of deluding yourself to go through recovery and that you had to acquire a taste for the unpleasant. Well, I don’t think I am deluding myself. I fully understand my situation and the difficulties that I face. I am going into this with both eyes open. In fact, I probably have a better understanding of my wife and our marriage than I ever have in the past 21 years. However, it still requires you to digest some unpleasantness and I am doing that by choice. I feel sure that it will decrease in time as it has certainly decreased a lot since d-day and there are times when my diet is actually quiet pleasant these days.

Next, my comment in my last post that “what more could a husband ask for” was actually meant tongue in cheek. As a BS, our realities change forever after our spouses have affairs. Given the reality of my current circumstances, I really couldn’t ask for any more from my wife than what she has been freely doing for the past 6-8 weeks. However, all of us BS’s know that we can never have that ideal marriage again where there is never any infidelity.

Finally, I am not trying to recover my marriage for the sake of my children. I am doing it because I still love my wife and I can see the potential for my life to be much better and more fulfilling with her in it than with her gone. I also see her actively participating in recovery and doing her part to right her wrong to the extent that she can. I think we do more harm than good when we stay married just because of the children. I believe that most people who stay married “for the kids sake” are really doing it for their own selfish reasons. My kids are learning about adult relationships my watching me and their mother. If we are together just to keep the family intact for them and not because we truly love and cherish each other, then we are poisoning their view of relationships and setting them up for difficulties in their own marriages.

It’s been enlightening for me to read many of the other posts on this forum. I am beginning to see that there is no one size fits all pattern for recovery. There are certain core principles that can be applied and this site lays out a great plan for recovery, but each situation requires its own modified application of the principles. We are all different people and our wayward spouses are all individuals as well and while most of the initial work of recovery falls on us, the BS, there is only so far that we can go if our WS does not get on board. I am one of the “lucky” ones in that my wife got on board fairly quickly and has demonstrated total commitment ever since then. The more I read, the more I am becoming convinced that if the WS does not get on board and commit to recovery fairly quickly that the chances for recovery diminish quickly with each passing day.

Thanks again to all of you that have posted. I may not agree with all of the points of view, but I am learning a lot by thinking about the points you raise. I have always been one of those people who would rather have a conversation with someone with those with opposing views to my own. I find that I learn so much by listening to their views. Some times they change my mind and sometimes they help me cement my own beliefs. Thanks also to all of you that keep encouraging me. This is a long, difficult road and it really helps to know that you aren’t walking alone.


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ok that's it. i am done taking mini vaca's. done working out of town for a couple of days. everytime i do one of those i have to spend 2 hours reading and catching up here. crazy

any way if you can bare with me i will try and address some of the issues mentioned in the last day or so. hopefully i will not be to wordy.

1st maybe it was me that said rb is lucky to have his w. and i firmly believe so.

sure i would wish an A and oc on no marriage. but what we are looking at here is how people deal with major inadversity. what is your true inner spirit.

rb is lucky that his w gets it. she seems truly repentent, truly willing remorseful, and honestly willing to do whatever she has to to repair (as best she can) their marriage.

example.... i was talking to fh (fullhouse, my w) the other day about where we are. she said to me something that set me aback. after 7+ years she said that "if i had listened to her complaints, she would have never had the A." after all this time she still has confusion separating the state of our marriage with her choices.

another thing that rb's w gets is the depth of the pain she caused him. again last week i was talking with my neighbor and out of the blue he says " you know your w and kids will NEVER kow what you did to keep your family together". rb's w already sees this. that is a huge plus in my book.

as much as i love my w i am amazed and on occasion envious at the efforts other ww's make that mine did not. and i think my w was extrodinary.

is our marriage perfect? as tigger said "no way". is it whole and will it endure forever. who knows but from where i am sitting this morning i believe my days will end before it ends.

believe me rb's w has not gotten any free tickets here. she will be paying for her mistake for the rest of her life. sure maybe she won't go into deep depression and try to end it all.

but i have seen it in my w's eyes and her actions. i see it when we are in public and there are people that know our sit. i see the shame in her eyes. i see it when she says she doesn't feel like attending some events because of the way she percieves people look at her. i see it when i am swimming with grace in our blow up pool and and she is happy yet realizing how this all came to be. i see it when (and rb may not have to deal with this)(i can go into that subject later if should raise it's ugly head for him) she gets so down when oc is off for her visitation.

trust me rb's w will do her pentence. without any help from anyone.

some say rb is not lucky because he wouldn't want his son to go thru any of this. well duh ! ! but there are many things that we feel lucky to have experineced. being in the military although NO ONE wants there sons (or daughters) to go into battle. amny of the things i have done that i feel lucky to have experienced and lived thru but do not want my kids taking those same risks and i certainly wouldn't do them again.


sure if there was no A there would be no oc. but that doesn't mean rb's marriage would last forever. what about the no oc A that goes on for 5 - 10 years. maybe rb could have fould out about that one when he was nearing 60. then where would his family be. oc aside, rb and his w seem headed for a much better marriage and relationship post A. was it teh right thing? NO but the cards are on the table now and they BOTH seem to be willing to work thru this.

lucky in my book.

yeah there are all the cliches......making lemonade out of lemons.......getting the pits out of your bowl of cherrys.......playing the cards life dealt you....etc, etc.

but it boils down to where you want to live your life. in the past, furure or now. i say live it for now with plans for a good future. do you want to live in the negative or make something positive out of bad situations? the housing market is taking a dump nationwide. does a guy losing his house quit and live on the streets or try and find a solution?

wrnghrd2loveeasy said something about a miracle. well the miricle in my life was grace. i have learned so much about who I am, what i can tolerate, handle, forgive, where my true loyalties lie, how i handle anger, my compassion, prejedices, bias's, not to pass judgement or jump to conclusions, understanding, self worth (where it truly comes from), how to stand tall when the world seems to be crashing around you, how to face adversities, what true love is, how to be straight forward and honest in a respectful way and where my breaking point is or where i think it is (i haven't been broken yet).

the miricle is that no matter what we are faced with forgiveness is still in our hearts.

so you have to ask yourself that are you the type of person that will hate forever. prosecute and cut off the hand of the pauper that steals an apple. OR can you look deeper into the situation and maybe find the reason and help correct it and forgive.

do i love grace? unconditionaly. do i wish the A never happened? undeniably. would i give grace up for anything? not on my life.
i have given thought to what would happen in the event fh and i should ever D. one thing i would fight for is visitation with grace. just as hard as for any of our com's. you see grace isn't fh's or our oc. she is our child.

rb is on a rollercoaster and if his is anywhere close to the one i rode he is still climbing to the summit. should he worry about the drop off. i say no. just be aware that it is coming.

NOW is the time for him and his w to work on there realationship. build the blocks and put braces in place that will get them through the storm. and it seems they are heading in that direction.

what is sad in my eyes is that he comes here with a positive and he gets people telling him he is eating garbage. not that anyone doesn't give him his props for his chioces. and not that the conversation isn't a valid one. just that he really doesn't need to hear that here.

did i eat nasty stuff. probably some. but i like to think that once i realized where I wanted to go I took control and started serving rather then eating.

trytoohard i will comment on your question in another post.

RB i am very glad you and your w had such a good, open soul searching weekend. it must feel like a huge breath of fresh air to be able to trust each other in that sense. you are doing great and like i said before are lucky to have the w you do.


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I have this picture in my mind of a woman who turned 40, out in the working world with all the temptations and goings on that are obvious to anyone with an eye. I see a woman whose kids are grown, whose husband is busy with his own deal and who is wondering if what she has is all there is.

I see a woman who drifted down the steps to an affair, something that is sooooo easy to do. I see a woman who got caught up in the euphoria of infatuation chemicals, got careless and got caught.

I see a woman who got a reality shock kinda like being thrown in Lake Superior in the dead of winter. I see a woman whose husband showed honor and integrity and humanity all in a bundle.

I see a woman whose future looks at the consequences of what she has done and who now needs her family more than at any other time in her life. I see a woman where reality has shot euphoria in the head and exposed it for the fraud it was. I see a woman who woke up from the brutal mugging she inflicted on herself and who is looking at the scars of consequences that will follow her the rest of her days.

My thought on this is:

"We don't always like how we got to be who we are, but there is no reset button in life. You can't change the past and the future is not here yet, so all you can do is manage the present with the best choices you can make, which hopefully are better than some of the ones you have made in the past.

"To know who you can truly trust without question is a gift beyond price."

I would like to have the opportunity, which will never happen, to tell your wife exactly that. All I can do is think it since the price for your wife being here might be too high.

Larry


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Originally Posted by TheRoad
tigger

"I was even willing to give her up for adoption, which my DH chose not to do. I put the decision completely in his hands. What he wished, I was willing to do"

This was noble and generous offer to your BH on your part to give up your child. Especially if their are COM to consider and not just the OC.

But!

How can a BH, if he loves his wife force her to give up her child? How can he break her heart, and later the OC's heart when the OC learns that his stepdad forced his mom to get rid of him.

Even if the child learns who his mom is when he is 18 and reconnects with her and then has a close relationship as if they were never separated. OC still has to be sad and have regrets for the lost 18 years.


What happens, and in your case I do not know, if the OC in no way resembles the BH. Even maybe mixed race?

There is never really a choice for the BH.
It's not accepting the OC. The OC is innocent.

It's the price a BH has to pay to preserve his family.
In life you have to pay for everything.

When a WW gets pregnent by the OM, she made herself extremely expensive.

First of all, he would not have been forcing me to do it. I was willing to do ANYTHING to save my M, which I screwed up all on my own. Second, we are living your example of being reunited with a child given up for adoption! If there are any regrets, they are FAR out weighed by the joy of being in each other's lives again.

There is a choice for the BH. He can stay or leave. And, for the OC not resembling BH, well, she doesn't look like our other children, even has a major eye issue that's already required surgery that the others didn't have. I believe that I've had a harder time dealing with what others, such as you, have called a visual reminder or trigger than my BH has had. That from his own mouth! Our Abbi is a blessing and joy every day, and it just gets better every day as well.

YOU make the decision whether to be happy or not. Whether to let something continually bother you or not. To forgive or not. I don't know if you are a Christian, or read the Bible, but I am going to suggest Ephesians 4:31 & 32. Being unforgiving and holding on to your anger just causes more problems than you can imagine. Unforgiveness only causes bitterness. Have you ever seen a happy bitter person?


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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Originally Posted by _Larry_
I have this picture in my mind of a woman who turned 40, out in the working world with all the temptations and goings on that are obvious to anyone with an eye. I see a woman whose kids are grown, whose husband is busy with his own deal and who is wondering if what she has is all there is.

I see a woman who drifted down the steps to an affair, something that is sooooo easy to do. I see a woman who got caught up in the euphoria of infatuation chemicals, got careless and got caught.

I see a woman who got a reality shock kinda like being thrown in Lake Superior in the dead of winter. I see a woman whose husband showed honor and integrity and humanity all in a bundle.

I see a woman whose future looks at the consequences of what she has done and who now needs her family more than at any other time in her life. I see a woman where reality has shot euphoria in the head and exposed it for the fraud it was. I see a woman who woke up from the brutal mugging she inflicted on herself and who is looking at the scars of consequences that will follow her the rest of her days.

My thought on this is:

"We don't always like how we got to be who we are, but there is no reset button in life. You can't change the past and the future is not here yet, so all you can do is manage the present with the best choices you can make, which hopefully are better than some of the ones you have made in the past.

"To know who you can truly trust without question is a gift beyond price."

I would like to have the opportunity, which will never happen, to tell your wife exactly that. All I can do is think it since the price for your wife being here might be too high.

Larry

Great post Larry!


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Larry, that was a BEAUTIFUL post.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

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As usual, Larry has hit the nail on the head. In fact, he could have saved me a fortune on IC for my wife since that’s basically where they arrived after a number of weeks. She’s done great job of constantly reminding me that these are not excuses for what she has done, but they have helped her reconcile in her own mind how she could cross not only boundaries in our marriage but also her own moral boundaries.



BH(me)-44
WW - 43
DD20
DS17
DD13
d-day 4/18/08
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