Thanks SL. I will look at it this way. I've not sent an e-mail or letter yet. Just needed some time to get my head on straight (if that is at all possible).

MedC - your post is duly noted. I am going to take my vacation and put all of this out of my head for a few days. When I get back, I plan on contacting a lawyer.

I have taken enough of his Cr**p.

And I don't plan on giving him a check for the car. I will not support his single lifestyle!!!

DS just came home....be back later!

Kimberly,

I truly understand your struggle right now, as it is still pretty fresh for me. I have to say, I didn't hesitate for a moment to contact a lawyer and protect my assets. I got the ball rolling on that in '06.


Yes, indeedy. I hear you. So, try to remember this thought when you are weepy over the loss of your familiar situation. STand strong against your WH's Bullcrap. Protect yourself and your son from his bullcrap. Remember that he's got MORE bullcrap where that came from.

stay as dark as possible. accept no help from him. don't help him with finances, unless you are legally bound.

Take care of you. You matter a great deal. Look inward to see how you can become a better version of yourself.

Kim - just stopping in on a fly-by tonight. Still focusing on work and taking care of my family...

You've been in my thoughts. Dear one - please brace yourself for a reality check here.

As much as I hate to think it, I believe your husband was so desperate to get the refi out of you, he pretended reconciliation with no intention of following through on the Plan B conditions.

I think this was deliberate to get the money out of the house, PERIOD.

I hate to think this of any human being, but the facts are there and he got what he came for, so to speak, and then he got caught - which was inevitable because he didn't care to hide it as much anymore. The money was the only reason he came home.

He thinks he can come along and milk you for every dime and you'll just sucker right back into compliance.

Do you have a plan to stop him from bleeding you this way? Repo the car, sell it and any other asset to pay back the home equity loan he got out of you. It's time to fight back on this one!

You owe it to that little boy you are raising!

Hi Kim,
Sorry I havent been stopping by much, i have just caught up on your thread.
I agree with the poster who said re-evaluate you line you have drawn, have you read the raising the bar thread?
Your H sounds like he has no idea of what the real world is like.

{{{{{{{KIM}}}}}}}}

Hi SL, KA & LIL -

Thanks for checking in & for your advice & support. I will keep pushing forward in getting through this.

I am beginning to truly believe that WH came home just to get some financial things in order. He sure was a good actor though to begin with then if that was the case. I am going to try not to think on it too much though as it just drives me crazy and makes me angry.

I had a rough night last night. Ended up in the emergency room after slicing my finger on DS' snowcone machine. The blades are hidden & I thought I was reaching into an area that was safe. NOT. It was a stupid mistake and I ended up with 5 stitches after spending 4 1/2 hours at the ER. In my haste to leave my house to get there, I locked myself out of my house. So, I had to call my neighbor to see if they had a ladder so I could climb back in my house. I told her what happened & she & her H could see I was out of sorts b/c of the sliced finger. Thankfully, she offered for DS to stay with her H & son while she drove me to the ER. Then she came back at 2 AM to pick me up! What a blessing that was.

Question: WH is out of town at his class reunion. I think he told DS that he would call him & they could hook up on this game site on my computer & WH's laptop. WH called a little while ago, I didn't answer & WH didn't leave a message. I didn't tell DS who was calling.*which I feel bad for hiding that from him** Should I allow DS to answer my cell phone? I don't have a home phone.

When DS is with me, I consider that to be our time. I don't want to be bothered with WH calling while DS is with me......So this is one other thing that needs be addressed in a letter (separation letter) to WH.

Thoughts??

I do think that either parent should be able to talk to the children as long as they are not using that as an excuse to cause the other parent grief.

Options I have seen work:
1. text message saying please have child call me
2. set time for phone call everyday (I have a friend who does this, he knows it is his ex calling to say goodnight to DS so he ust hands the phone over to DS without him talking to ex)
3. get the kid a cheap pay as you go phone. I bought one for $15 and put $20 worth of minutes on it. The minutes expire after a while if you don't use them, though.

For me, ex hates it if I call the kids, I rarely do, but if I need to ask a question, I send text asking them to call.

Sorry about your finger, I have one of those sno-cone things, also. I can imagine how that hurt.

(((((((((((KIM)))))))))))) My friend, I am so sorry for what you are going through. God Bless the kindness of your neighbors.

i agree with Jean about letting your son speak to your H whenever he calls. I would give him open access that way.

Ah, those pesky parts of Plan B that have to be ironed out.

Well, when my son was younger, his dad called at around the same time each day to talk to DS, usually in the evening, around 8PM.

YOur son is a little older, so that may not be as effective, as he may want to talk to his dad at odd times, or dad may want to speak to him at odd times, since there is more to talk about with an older child. I like Jean's idea of a TM from dad requesting DS to phone him, or, if son is in the vicinity of the phone, hand it to him.

I dunno, kick it around; you'll figure out your own method.

Basically, I find it important to ensure you have done all you can to have the child/ren be accessible to their parent, outside of visitation. As a parent, I want all avenues of communication open for the other parent. What they do with that accessibility is completely up to them. In my case, Zombie(PWC) does not call on non-visitation days anymore, but if he did want to, I would make sure to have the phone charged and accesible.

Hope you have a good weekend!

(((KIM))

Your WH and mine are from the same pod. Scary. Mine faked recovery because he needed someone to take care of the house and all of our business, which I do very well at and he does not. I know how used you feel. Dark Plan B girlfriend....

Just checking in with you. oh, maybe this is vacation week. If so, I hope you and DS are having a great time!

Hi --

Leaving for vacation on Sunday -- Have just been spending more time with DS and dealing with yet MORE car trouble....I've been hunting on line for a new car.

I have a car rental for the trip so no worries about no AC or the car breaking down.

I believe I have figured out who the OW might be & where WH is staying. I have called her & she was shocked to hear from me. Mel helped me with what I should say -- short & just a Hi, this is BS. WH has told me a little about you & I just wanted to know what he has told you about me, his wife, and his son. She said she had to go to a meeting that WH had told her a little about me. but she had to go....

anyway, WH I haven't sent word to WH that I'd like him to stop e-mailing. When I do, I want to address $$ and schedule. I've just had so much other stuff to deal with this week.

WH has offered me his car 2x more and offered to watch the dog while we are gone. via e-mail. Plus sent me something for DS via e-mail.

More later.

Left message for supposed OW last night on her cell(still not 100% sure this is her #, but in WH's handwriting it has her initials & "cell" next to it) Also has her "work" # but when I called it, it sounded like a home #. Just gave her my # so when she had time to talk, we could finish her conversation.

I know WH is there. I was able to do a People Search on Yahoo, so I know where she lives. WH's car was there this afternoon.

How many times is too many to call & leave her a message? I just want to know from her what her relationship is with WH. I want to also know why WH moved out from there (in her words) in the first place. He seeemed to have the need to move out of there "all of a sudden."

I am going to call once more & leave a message with my phone #. Just in case the cell # was wrong. I don't know how old those #'s are.

More & more I think of WH as a stranger. I think of him as an enemy. It makes me quite sad to have these feelings. He has been my family for so long....and I hate letting that go. It hurts.

I think of fights that my sisters & I or my brother & I have had over the years (not too many really, but there have been some "good" ones). We always forgive each other & continue to love each other regardless. We forgive and forget. We stick together.

It is just unfathomable for me to understand still how WH could do what he did. I just don't get it. I could never do what he did. If a WS could only understand the pain it causes, the sorrow and feel what a BS feels....

Good detective work. I am sorry you had to see it.

The problem here is not the same as having a fight with your sister. You didn't have a fight with your H. Your H has been leading a secret second life for a very long time. A destructive, secret life.

Kim, I have always wondered if you EVER really knew him. This is not the same as a WS meeting and falling in love with an OP. Your H has a swinger lifestyle. Is it possible you just did not know it all this time? I know you have a very hard time seeing the BAD in people and tend to WANT to see only the good. That is a nice trait, except when it is taken to an extreme which leaves you vulnerable and unprotected.

He also is very selfish and has no empathy. You have said before that if he just could "understand" your pain it might be different. I don't agree. I think your pain only has meaning to someone who has EMPATHY. Your H has no empathy, Kim. He has been playing cat and mouse with you ever since I have known you. He seems to enjoy it.

Right now, I wonder if I ever really knew him too. We were so happy together when we got married. I don't know what to think anymore. I wonder if there really is such a thing as love sometimes.


I do know that I will eventually get over this. I need to make some new friends and start doing the things that I enjoy.
I am looking forward to my vacation tomorrow.

I left a message on OW home #. No response. I guess she is going to ignore my calls. I really feel like creating some conflict with them.

I'd also like to mail WH's mom a note, just telling her what has happened. I'd do it in a calm way, she has always been very nice to me.

Hope you all have a wonderful week. Many of you will be in my prayers!

WH called after I left a message today. Said that supposed OW mentioned that I called her & that she never called me back b/c she wasn't sure what I wanted to talk to her about. that she couldn't talk b/c she had to go to a meeting. WH said he wasn't sure either why I called her. but I could call & talk to him. then he told me to have a safe trip and to be careful. And ended it with "I love you."

Hmmmm. He's lives in a weird world. That's all i've got to say about that. He's a little off if you know what I mean!

Maybe I'll meet another single mom at the beach!!

You got that one right! Wow, he does beat to his own drummer.

I hope you and DS have a wonderful, wonderful vacation.

Hi Jean -

Had a very nice vacation! Relaxing, weather was good....waves were a bit rough, last day were riptide warnings so didn't get to play in the ocean that much.

Lots of families... husbands & wives. I tried not to let it bother me that I was there without an H. I did pretty darn good.

DS got a bad case of swimmers ear. On antibiotics - one ear was bothering him before we left and yesterday on the way home it was bothering him much more. Took him to the doc and they put him on antibiotics and ear drops.

Having WH pick up more of his stuff. Put a few more things in the garage for him & left a note stating that I would need to sell the Jeep soon. Unfortunately, it is in his name so I'll have to work that out.

I don't even bother with putting WH's name on the note and didn't sign it. I'm still go through mixed emotions - from feeling sorry for myself to anger to relief that I don't have to deal with seeing that man in this house.

It was nice being on vacation & not having to deal with agreeing on what we were going to do, where we were going to eat dinner, etc.

Well, I guess it's time to start that serious search for a D lawyer. And I need a car too....

I like to think of it (finding an attorney, LSA, splitting assets, closing accounts, etc.) as protecting my family from further harm. That is the purpose.

I hope your search goes well, Kimberly.

I'm happy for you, that you got to take that vacation. The sound of the ocean waves always make me feel soothed.

Oh, and your DS should be feeling right as rain again soon. Those drops work pretty quickly, in most cases.

Hi SL - Yep, the sounds of the ocean were exactly what I needed!

I have a couple of Lawyers that I will be calling in the next day or two. I'll meet with a few before I make a choice. I have started looking at the process in a way that I approach things at work. Maybe I can remove the emotional aspects of it somehow.

WH doesn't make that much money. When the wife makes more, does that have any reflection on the judge's decision with how much the H as to pay?

Also, WH doesn't have overnights with DS. Mainly b/c when the first A happened, he was working nights so DS couldn't stay overnight. Plus, WH would never tell me where he was staying. And, WH still hasn't told me. I figured that out on my own.

I don't know what is in DS's mind. Does he wish he had more time with his Dad? Does he feel abandoned? Is it my job to instigate more time between the two of them? I don't think it is, but I also want DS to have a Dad.

And, do I have the right to say he can't have overnights while WH is living with some woman? Even after the D??

I don't know what WH will try to ask for. Right now, WH picks up DS at the neighbors for two hours, twice a week. He gets DS every Sunday for about 5 1/2 hours.

I can't stand the thought of having DS gone every other weekend.....

What should I expect?

On another note, I got my stitches out last week. The Dr./Nurse who removed them was a man, about my age (maybe younger), but I was actually attracted to him!! That hasn't happened to me in years probably. It at least felt good to know that I have not written off the opposite sex.

DS is better - is still complaining some, but also says he feels better. He can at least hear out of that ear now!

OH. And DS said that someone stole WH's laptop. Right out of "his house." I had to work to keep a grin from sliding across my face. I just said "Oh. Well, that's too bad."

Inside I'm thinking "Hm. Well, that's what you get!"

He bought the laptop just before I found out about his second A, while I was putting my $$ together for our nice family vacation.

Your best bet is to speak to a lawyer and try to get this current schedule written up in a legal separation agreement. This sets the precedent for divorce and is USUALLY carried over. If you don't want visitation beyond what it is now, state this to your lawyer and state why, non-emotionally. Be sure that it's about your son's welfare, and not about your emotional response. Make sure you discuss physical AND legal custody.

Basically, I was told to go for everything that I wanted in the divorce, and then hash it out from there. You can always compromise down, but if you don't ask for something, no one is going to offer it up.

It is not your responsibilty to foster the relationship between father and son; it is your WH's responsibility. YOu can't MAKE him be a father.

It's okay to talk to your child about how he feels right now. I generally let my son lead that conversation. Sometimes my son will tell me he's finished talking about something, so I say, "Okay" and move the conversation on to something less stressful.

It's good to hear that your son is doing better. Those ear aches can be killer.