Thanks for the spanking everybody! I apologize for letting this get me down.
I had a lengthy conversation with OM�s girlfriend again last night. I told her about the trip her boyfriend was planning. It must be said though, I�m not so sure that this woman might not be a double agent herself. I really don�t care; I told her what I knew. The way I have it figured; if she makes trouble for him it�s just that much better for me.
If she goes forward with her trip I�m going to take my daughter and leave, if I can do it legally. I have to find another lawyer, (since I am an idiot and I�ve never done this before), I set up an appointment with an attorney who could not represent me�. wrong county.
Can anyone advise on this? Can I force her to leave if I can�t?
Thanks again for bringing me back; I feel that even if I can�t save my wife I need this place for support and strength.

TTF
You ARE NOT to leave your home under any circumstances. Mel, please step in here and explain why--

You should ask her to leave and not come back or contact you for any reason. Change the locks, phone #'s, email add., etc.

You do not want to uproot your child from her home because of her mothers' stupidity. How fair is that to your child? Not very.
Call a lawyer (in your county) and find out what you need to do but, like I said, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME.

Don't leave your home. Just expose her plans to everyone and try to prevent her from going. Tell her you will change the locks if she goes. But I think if you TELL EVERYONE what she is planning, she might have second thoughts. Most of all, TELL YOUR CHILD and demand that your WW explain to her what she is planning.

Where will she be meeting the OM? Can you go?

Exactly! Do NOT leave the home. Tell her that if she goes on the trip, do not plan to return home. Get a lawyer to draw up the papers kicking her out, whatever they may be. Have her stuff packed and waiting for her on the curb, with your Plan B letter. Do NOT take your daughter out of your home, and do NOT leave, yourself.

Whatever you do, don't leave though.

Thanks, that�s what I thought.
My daughter knows about the affair, I have explained it to her in a very truthful way. She is a good kid and can�t see yet what this is all about.
My wife gave me a lot of grief about including her in my exposures; she said it made me a very small, cowardly man, to drag her into this. My reply was that she made it all possible with her lies and adultery.
She wants to keep our daughter insulated as much as possible; I do to up to a certain point. I do feel however that she has to know the truth. I just need some advice on how to approach her with this truth. She has to know when/if her mother leaves on the 30th where she is going and who she is going with. I do not want to look or feel like I am using my daughter as a weapon. I know I shouldn�t feel this way. What can I say to her and myself to overcome this?

How old is she?

Of course she does! She wants to hide her crimes from her victim! Don't all adulterers want to do that? What is harming your DD is her adultery, not the truth. She needs the truth about her own life, not lies and spin.

TTF, has your DD been told the full truth? That your wife is having an affair?

Your daughter has a RIGHT to know what her mother is doing TO HER and you need to STOP trying to whitewash it. Whitewashing your W's crimes against you and your DD helps no one and makes the problem worse. This is your DD's life and your wife's affair has a major impact on it. If you do not tell your DD the truth, your WW is free to tell her lies.

What is her plan? To LIE to the DD about where she plans on going? How does that help anything except to make your WW feel good about her crimes? How is that not EVIL to whitewash your wife's horrendous behavior against her own child? C'mon, TTF!

Everyone needs to know that she plans on running off to see the OM on NY eve. Everyone!

If you want this 1 hr mp3 from Dr Laura, email me at ohmelodylane@aol.com

This is a segment that is sloppily and partially transcribed by me that was on the Dr Laura show. I thought Dr. Laura made some EXCELLENT and profound points about the effects of lying to children about adultery. I don't always agree with her views on adultery, but she is right on in this aspect.

Dr. Harley, as many of you know, is a strong advocate of telling the children the TRUTH.

Dr. Laura show [4:25 min into segment - 5-15-08]

Caller: Husband had an affair with good friend for 2 years. Her H ws one of his "buddies."

Dr. Laura: Do you have minor children?

Caller: Yes, we both do

Dr. Laura: They are willing to hurt your kids? Why are they willing to break up the families?

caller: Basically, they said they are not "happy."

Dr L: So that is the explanation for being willing to hurt their kids? They are doing this to be "happy?"

What can I do to possibly help you?

Caller: I need to know what to tell my kids.

Dr. Laura: THE TRUTH. They are breaking up 2 families because they have decided.....

See, I am not of the school where you stand by and do pretend with kids where this is all ok. Because this is NOT OK.

The most important story is that this is NOT OK. sit down with your husband and tell him you are going to explain to our children, in a factual, non hysterical way I am going to explain to the kids the horrible thing you are doing to destroy their family. That you are "not happy" is not sufficient reason to destroy 2 families and I am going to make this clear to them because I want them to grow up understanding this is WRONG.

That is my advice. And i think everybody should be clear this is selfish behavior that is WRONG, vows were made.

Not being "happy" is something you work to turnaround, not something you destroy a family over. If both of these people were to hear this was going to happen they will have second thoughts.

DO not think for a moment you are doing wrong by telling your children this. It is your moral obligation to teach them right from wrong. EVEN when it demonstrates a parent has done wrong. The parent cannot be whitewashed and get away with that - THAT IS WRONG and that does not teach the children

I really hope alot of people hear this. Alot of ppl want to whitewash what they are doing. Kids should know that is your attitude.

But to tell the custodial parent: hey don't make me look bad for my own selfish gain is ABSURD! and is EVIL! We are going to make wrong seem ok. Kids will lose any sense of right and wrong. Kids will be taught that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy." Kids lose any sense of right or wrong. "well, it makes me happy to use drugs" when I am 12 It makes me "happy" to get on my knees and give 4 6th graders oral sex. That is what they teach their kids.

This is what happens when you whitewash wrongdoing to make no body feel bad which is why I get called MEAN. I get called mean because I say the truth. "Its MEAN to say something is right or wrong; its mean to make somebody feel bad!" Its MEAN to say the truth. People get shut down when they get called "judgmental" when they say the truth. The intent is to shut you down. Well, I don't shut up. Kids don't learn important truths when they allow others to shut them down. We don't help our children when we don't say the truth and support them in saying what is right and wrong.

LYING TO KIDS IS SMALL AND COWARDLY. HAVING AN AFFAIR IS SMALL AND COWARDLY. Telling the truth to one's victims is not "small and cowardly.". Your wife is manipulating you so you will help her hide her crime from your child. Don't help her do this, TTF. You are being gaslighted.

Don't lie to your child to whitewash your wife's crimes, TTF. Don't enable her. Tell your wife that if she is going to harm your child like this, then your DD DESERVES TO KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT WHAT SHE IS DOING TO HER.

here

I need to rant on this exposing to the kids deal. Who do these Ws think they are? Are they so messed up that they cannot see the hypocrisy of trying to make the BS the bad guy for telling the kids? I mean , it is absolutely absurd that they cheat on the whole family and then have the temerity to look at you and allege you are damaging the kids by telling the truth. There is something seriously wrong with WSs who do this(and a lot of them do try this crap).
You did the absolute right thing.
I remember finally hearing that my dad was a drunk. For years, this was hush hush, and we kids were confused as hell. We thought all fathers smacked their kids and tore them down verbally.
It was a huge relief to have an explanation for the crazy behavior. Smae with cheating. I imagine kids are confused as hell by their cheating parents behaviors.
My kids were so confused. Here, we had sent them to parochial school and attended church every Sunday. Yet, mom broguht her boyfriend into her house and slept with him every night.
She began barricading her bedroom door, so as not to be disturbed. She told the kids that she needed to do this in case burglars came into the house.
These monstrous liars damage their kids. My middle daughter started going ballistic and insisted that she be allowed to install a video camera in her mom's bedroom to verify that she was not having sex(she was 7 at the time).
There is a special place in hell for people like my XWW.

Sorry for my outburst there, TTF! I am getting frustrated because you have this affair on the ropes and I am concerned you are letting up. That would be a huge mistake at this very critical time. Your W is angry about your interference in her affair and this is a GOOD THING. That is a signal to NOT LET UP. It is not a signal to give up to appease her anger. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger, it cannot survive her ongoing affair.

You are at a very critical time in your battle and if you cannot afford to let up and give the affairees a chance to regroup.

Dr. Willard Harley, clinical psychologist, and founder of Marriage Builders:

Thanks very much everybody, I knew y'all would come through for me.
I am fully committed now to telling my daughter the truth about this trip if WW follows thru with it.
She already knows about the affair, she knows the truth because I told her the truth. I did not let her mother sugarcoat it then and I will not let her leave without knowing that our daughter is going to know the truth about this now.

TTF, I would tell everyone BEFOREHAND so they can use their persuasion to stop her. The sooner you tell everyone the better.

Have you told the OM's GF about his plans to see your wife? HAve you told your FIL? TTF, you need to be doing your best to stop this trip. Let others support you in this effort.

TTF, based on the advice I received here, I agree that telling the children the truth is in their best interest in the long run.

WW's FxH is the custodial parent of their children. He raked me over the coals when I had the temerity to tell them the truth about their mom.

I guess even Exes don't always have their children's best interests at heart.

My daughter sees things more clearly than do I or FxH. She told me her kids love their mother, but do not respect her. That says volumes...

Yes MelodyLane, I have told everyone, with the exception of my daughter. I told the girlfriend when she called me last night.

So what does the GF say about this? Where is your W planning on hooking up with skankboy?

I'm not sure, she picked him up at the airport last time. I assume this is the case again. I am taking her car this weekend also, she will have to find alternate transportation.

TTF--how old is your daughter? Is this the only child and if not, what are the ages of the others? This may help us better direct you...

Do you know what time his flight gets in? Because if you do, maybe you and her father and brother could meet OM at the airport too. That might put a damper on the day.