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I meant to meantion, the affair was for about a month and a half. They had sex twice and only met in secret 2 times, which was 2 times too many. They did a lot of texting and talking over the phone. It never got to over night trips, or sex in the bed, or secret dinners and etc.. It was just they met in the parking lot of a store for about 30 minutes, that's all the time he could spare and he basically did the do and left.



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Hey, and you believe him about the details of the affair? They probably had sex 100 times if he says it was 2!

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Originally Posted by 26years
You know, I can see all the sides to this. I must admit, I have to take some responsibility. On and off, over the past 26 years I have accused my husband of cheating.

This did not cause your husband to cheat. A caring man would have tried HARDER to protect his marriage knowing your legitimate concerns. You are not "insecure," you have rational and well founded concerns based on the level of risk he was taking.

Your husband cheated because of the POOR BOUNDARIES that you properly recognized and complained about. If you complain about your kids playing in the road and they get hit, is it YOUR FAULT they got hit?

If you feel anxious when your children play in the road, are you "insecure" or are you reacting to a legitimate risk?

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Even the bible says it's better to be on the roof top then in a house with a nagging woman. I blame myself for years of accusations.

A complaint is an irritation in a BAD MARRIAGE and an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage. You apparently had good CAUSE to continually bring up your concerns, given that his risky behavior led to an affair. Don't blame yourself for seeing the REAL AND LEGITIMATE RISK. YOU WERE RIGHT TO BE CONCERNED AND YOUR FEARS WERE RIGHT ON.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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26years, you should go post to Atena, her situation is similiar. Her H tormented her with his loose, risky behavior for years and then BLAMED her for being upset about it. He had TWO affairs that she knows of.

What your husbands are doing is a form of gaslighting, where they drive you CRAZY with risky, disrespectful behavior and then blame YOU when you object. Then they blame you when the RISK is realized, which makes no sense.

It is irrational to assert that complaints about risky behavior CAUSES risky behavior. That is WAYWARD thinking.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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26years, yes, same story as you. Now we are separated and he is free to see OW and many others after her...I am sure.
He made me feel bad for 20 years. He had a wayward mind from the beginning.
blessing


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Catperson, in my opinion, my husband's parents didn't chew him out enough. I think I've chewed him out enough for everyone on this forum. Being half way friends with the OW was the worst thing I could do, but she was easy to talk to and that's what pulled my husband in to her.
I was talking about the OW's parents, not your WH's. If you're trying to separate them, you should be exposing to HER parents as well as his. Have you?

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Yes I believe that it was only 2, only because of the time frame that the affair took place. It was in the month of July and August. Half of the month of July we were out of town. The month of August is a blurr to me, but from September 1st till now, The only place he goes without me is the bathroom. We own our own business and since I found out, I've been on him like white on rice. If he had chance to see her, there was no sex involved. I guess you would have to know our life style to really believe that. Let's just say, after I found out, I turned into a great detective.

I'm not taking ALL the blame for what he done, he is the one that made the wrong decision and destroyed our life. I don't even want my old life back, we are trying to start a new. But, I've told him if he ever calls or sees her, there will be no discussion, it will be a done deal. He has more to lose then I do. He is an well known in our area as well as his family. They have the reputation of a saint. If anyone ever found out about this, oh boy, he would have to leave the entire State.

I hate to say this, but deep down inside, I believe it will come out one day, and I will feel somewhat relieved.

My husband is a good man, I know you all are probably laughing at that statement, but he truly is. He's been a great husband, father, grandfather and father in law. He did make a major, major mistake. However, I can't write him off because of one boo boo. I haven't been a "perfect" wife, earlier in our marriage I made mistakes as well. Nothing excuses adultry.



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Are you going to contact OW's parents and siblings?

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I don't know her parents/family. She is new to the area, as we are too. The only people we've talked to in her family is her husband and they both confirmed that the kids know. Thing is, If I go running around telling all of her family, siblings, friends and coworkers. She'll do the same, and as I said, my husband has more to loose then her. If he looses, then I lose even more and I feel like I've suffered enough. I've told the OW's husband, my parents and my husband's parents. I don't think I need to tell anyone else. I'm not so much as covering him, but I have myself to think about as well. This is way too embarassing as it is. If I rattle her cage, then my life is over as I have known it for the past 26 years. I understand that everyone here thinks that you should basically tell the world, but I can't do that. I'd end up living in my car or someone, all the hard work, blood, sweat and tears into our business. Now if it happens again, I will have an I DON'T CARE ATTITUDE. Doesn't everybody deserve a second chance? I'd like to give him that chance, am I stupid for that? If only you all knew who we were in the community.



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Wow.

So...you are choosing material wealth and going to important parties over a husband who no longer cheats on you?

What makes you think that he will KEEP YOU? If he's that important, he can just dump you and keep replacing you with prettier, younger women. Or, if you keep making it this easy for him, he'll just start moving his women in the house, since you obviously have no objections; you can have a three-way. It'll be great.
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Bet Tiger Wood's wife thought the same thing at first.


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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Originally Posted by 26years
I don't know her parents/family. She is new to the area, as we are too. The only people we've talked to in her family is her husband and they both confirmed that the kids know. Thing is, If I go running around telling all of her family, siblings, friends and coworkers. She'll do the same, and as I said, my husband has more to loose then her. If he looses, then I lose even more and I feel like I've suffered enough. I've told the OW's husband, my parents and my husband's parents. I don't think I need to tell anyone else. I'm not so much as covering him, but I have myself to think about as well. This is way too embarassing as it is. If I rattle her cage, then my life is over as I have known it for the past 26 years. I understand that everyone here thinks that you should basically tell the world, but I can't do that. I'd end up living in my car or someone, all the hard work, blood, sweat and tears into our business. Now if it happens again, I will have an I DON'T CARE ATTITUDE. Doesn't everybody deserve a second chance? I'd like to give him that chance, am I stupid for that? If only you all knew who we were in the community.
Good luck to you 26.
Peace out!

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Good luck to you 26.
Peace out!


That's one of Pep's many ways of saying "You seem to be done listening, so I'm done talking for now."

Exposure is your friend for many, many reasons... chief among them is to get support for YOU from friends and family, and secondarily to put pressure on the affair.

I suspect that, within a few days, you will begin to see why exposure to every possible exposure target that might have an impact on your spouse's decision-making is crucial to ending the affair and moving forward into recovery. But I understand the need to fight that recommendation, because I did, too. It took a long time for both my former wayward wife and I to recognize the many and varied benefits full exposure -- full TRUTH -- to friends and family accomplished.


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Hold up everyone, come on now, I may appear a little naive, but I'm far from it. I'm not going to just settle for being cheated on, no amount of money could take away the hurt and the pain.

I think I read on another post where someone was saying or asking the question about 2nd chances. That's all I'm simply saying is that I believe in 2nd chances. I'm not so doom and gloom, I live with this man every day, I know him better then his parents. True I was shocked when he cheated.

How can I expose the OW to her parents if I don't know them? I am sure with a little investigation, I probably could find them. So the theory is to destroy a life to repair a life? The affair is over, he admitted to it, she admitted to it. He asked for forgiveness, I've forgiven Him. I haven't forgot though. We seem to be doing fine for now at least, why mess that up with tracking down her parents. What are her parents going to do?

So everything that goes "wrong" in your marriage, you're suppose to call up all of your relatives and tell them? I'm in no way fighting the recommendations, I just don't totally agree with them. There is a time and a season for everything. If the time comes wherein I need to track her parents down, then I will.

Honestly I'm exhausted, I'm tired of talking and fussing about this everyday. I want to move on and the only way to do that is to let it go and begin to heal. In no ways am I saying that he is off the hook and that he will be free as a bird to do as he please or come and go as he please. I have things in place to protect my heart. I'm just willing to try it one more time. After 26 years, don't you think it's worth that. Is there anyone on here who has recovered inspite of the affair without telling the whole world?

Because you had an affair does that make you permanently a liar and cheater? Is their no recovery possible for cheaters? So you all haven't done something that deserved a second chance?

I don't want you all to think that my husband is having his cake and eating it too because trust me, he's not. Also keep in mind, this happen last year, last 6 1/2 months ago. I wasn't talking this positive when I first found out, I've grown to this point, I'm not totally delivered yet, but I have had time to think, be resentful and angry in the midst of the tears.

Once the smoke began to clear, I'm starting to reevaluate alot of things. Pepperband, please don't stop commenting, I need all the help I can get. That's why I'm here because I realize I don't know it all and I came here for help.



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I'm a newbie. First post.

I've followed MB for 3 years, unsuccessfully. Divorce will be final next week.

I didn't follow the plan very closely. Looking back, I know I could have blown this affair out of the water if I'd listened.

Listen to the pros. Pay attention to stories like Chai's and Hope's and mine ... when I post it.

The trust in your marriage has already been fractured. You cannot trust your husband.

This is obvious. The minute there is any upheaval in your relationship, he is running off to the OW. Even anger is an opportunity to connect. He has not let go of his attachment to her, and she has not let go of her attachment to him. She left HER husband to run to YOUR husband.

You are teaching them what to expect from YOU. YOU will do anything to keep your marriage intact, even bend your values and allow your husband and OW to violate your boundaries.

Show them that you are serious about your marriage. EXPOSE! EXPOSE to everyone!

Do not allow your husband for a second to believe that you will back down when it comes to your commitment to him and your recovery.

If this is what you want, then fight for it. But sitting back and allowing them to behave this way is only hurting YOU.

Consequences now . . . or consequences later. Some of us are still waiting for the karma bus because we wanted to play "nice".

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Of course you can give him a second chance. I believe in them. I just don't see yet what you two are doing to create an environment in which he won't stray again. Has he taken a polygraph? Has he given you all his passwords? Do you have complete access to his phone bill and computers? Did you install a GPS in his car so you will always know where he is? Do you have equal access to all your bank accounts? Has he written a NC letter that YOU sent? Do you have utter access to him at his work? Are you counseling with the Harleys? Are you attending the next MB weekend? These are the things that would make me feel safe for you.

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Catperson, to answer your questions. No he has not taken a poloygraph. I have his passwords to his email and cell phone. I have complete access to the phone bills and computers. Yes I have a GPS in the car. Yes I have equal access to all of our bank accounts. No he has not written a NC letter, however he has written her a letter as well as told her over the phone it was over. I was sitting there as he talked to her. We own our own business and are together pretty much all day, seriously since the incident, he's seldomly alone. His only privacy is in the bathroom. This does get to him at times but, hey like I told him "take it or leave it". No we are not in counseling and no we will not be able to attend the MB weekend (actually I didn't know anything about that).



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Well, it sounds like you have it under control, then. I'd advise, though, that you also study the other material here about improving your marriage - learn about Love Busters and Emotional Needs and spending time together, things you'll need to strengthen your marriage so that he'll not be as likely to stray again.

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Yes, will do. It is indeed one of the hardest things that I have ever had to deal with. Neither of us have been in this situation before so we made and will probably continue to make mistakes. I really want it to work as does he, but it's hard getting the pictures out of my mind and wondering if he will do it again. I know I can't keep him on lock down forever, at some point he will be left alone. Hopefully by that time I will be able to trust him. The trust was totally shattered and has to be rebuilt. I always say I'm taking it one minute at a time.

Eriek, I will not do "anything" to keep my marriage intact and if they think that, they are sadly mistaken. I will not allow this behavior to continue, if it does, I'm out! I wont even look back. I've made that perfectly clear. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on ME.



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You know, I have been following thios with some interest. I made my wife (girlfriend at the time) go through a polygraph test, checked every email, text, phonecall and anything else you care to mention. I set up false email accounts from the supposed OM so as to try to trip her up, but to no avail. She told the truth from the start and all that I did was get myself so wrapped up in the detail that I forgot the bigger picture.
It is possible that you can almost become too much part of the affair yourself and stop yourself being able to look subjectively at the matter in hand.
My feeling is that if you sit on anyone long enough, they will wriggle, and whilst no one put a gun to your husbands head, I know that my jealousy and basic mistrust pushed my partner to her very limits. That, I am affraid, is when things can go wrong.
If your husband is remorseful and wishes to protect you from some truth to avoid hruting you further, then that may not be acceptable on this site, but is natural.
If you are willing to accept that whatever happened, did, and move forward from that, then do just that. It is possible, trust me. The only way you will do that though is to disnetangle yourself from the whole affair and take a good look at everything surrounding it, not the minute details of what happened in it.
I never said on a past post that you were responsible. You are not. That said, these things do not happen in happy marriages, so you both need to be honest with each other about why it got to this stage. Your husband is exposed to vunerable situations and as such you need to nip that in the bud and he will have to work very hard to win your trust back, but this will work out for you, I have no doubt.
When you wake in the morning, if you feel right in his arms and he does in yours then this has just been a very harsh learning curve and you will get over it if all the steps to ensure that you are both fulfilled in every way are put in place.
Take this as an opportunity to scrutinise the people that you are together and work out how to continue to make your marriage bullet proof.
It sounds ridiculous now, but this could actually be the catalyst to a stronger, happier marriage, with such strength in learning that you end your days together a happy old couple having known, in a smug way, that you won the battle, then the war and went on to conquer the world with this funny thing called love.
I wish you the very best and have a good feeling about your chances. There is love oozing from your postings. That is what matters. Forget all of the nonsense about existing in a marriage for the sake of your vows. Get on in there and rediscover what you nearly lost. It's cathartic !!!
Take care

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