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Plexle Offline OP
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I can't even mention the stuff he said standing at the door, refusing to take the car key... ILY and take care and I was like..."i have to protect myself from you, my husband'....


BW:34
WH:37
M 4 years, together 8 years
D-day of third EA with a coworker 1/6/10
PlanA 1/7-16/10
PlanB 1/17/10
~starting 16 months of grad school 1/9/10-will require class attendance 9-5 on 2 Saturdays and 2 Sundays every month
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Plexle Offline OP
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they're together...right now...


BW:34
WH:37
M 4 years, together 8 years
D-day of third EA with a coworker 1/6/10
PlanA 1/7-16/10
PlanB 1/17/10
~starting 16 months of grad school 1/9/10-will require class attendance 9-5 on 2 Saturdays and 2 Sundays every month
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I am sorry Plexle. You should be very proud of yourself though, sticking to your word. I wish I would have done the same thing 3 years ago.

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OMG Plexle, should you be reading what they are saying? Can you have it forwarded to a friend for safekeeping? {{{{Plexle}}}}


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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Plexle Offline OP
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i'm scared shes going to 'unblock' herself on his BIM and then I can't read their emails, and I won't even know if I'm at risk for aids... he is lying to the intermediary saying he is not going to meet her now, but he is with her, as we speak...


BW:34
WH:37
M 4 years, together 8 years
D-day of third EA with a coworker 1/6/10
PlanA 1/7-16/10
PlanB 1/17/10
~starting 16 months of grad school 1/9/10-will require class attendance 9-5 on 2 Saturdays and 2 Sundays every month
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If you are going to go in to Plan B then you won't read or snoop or anything. It really does save you from the drama. It is hard but it gets easier when you realize how good you can feel. This is a really hard time and you have to realize how strong you were to get to this step.

Thinking of you.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Plexle Offline OP
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Question why would a husband take out the trash in the midst of a separation??


BW:34
WH:37
M 4 years, together 8 years
D-day of third EA with a coworker 1/6/10
PlanA 1/7-16/10
PlanB 1/17/10
~starting 16 months of grad school 1/9/10-will require class attendance 9-5 on 2 Saturdays and 2 Sundays every month
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((((Plexle))))
OK, well now you know what your dealing with.
So won't Dr. H

At the advice of Dr H for your specific sitch Plan B will be a place for you to heal. As soon as you get the word from him you probably should isolate yourself from any information about WH.

This will probably be hard untill you let all the ppl involved at work etc etc. know that you don't want to hear about it. Good IMs will be invaluable.

Prayers going out to you and stay tight here with the many ppl who have come thru this and are going thru it right now.

You will have your dignity and self-respect restored in time.

I salute you Plex


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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Plexle Offline OP
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Sort,

You're a really great 'sort' of poster on here. I just wanted to say that, I was re-reading alot of what you said you made me calm and feel confident.

At work, I've worked so hard to get where I am and force people to overlook its not my last name that got where I am--its my work ethic, so... I don't intend to comment at all to anyone about this at work, I will have to maintain my management position. And, that s protecting me. Plus, I wouldn't be able to hold it together probably while speaking of what he has done... and I can't spend my work life in the bathroom sobbing....

I have an appointment Wednesday morning with the Doc... I guess to cement details of planB since I didn't get any from DocH before implementing it. Luckily I do have intermediary who knows the whole story, including DocH's observations, and she's supportive of our marriage... Even allowing H to stay temporarily at her house (she has kids and a husband herself so it won't be for long).

If, at the meeting last night with OW, the OW succeeded in unblocking herself on the instant messaging system and as a result they will not have to use email-- I will have no way to protect myself or monitor his adultery, and will probably not be able to reconcile with him... I KNOW that's hard to understand,after everything I've been thru, but that's where I'm at... I'm feeling I need to prepare for life without him if I do lose that resource to see if he crossed the line and became physical. I just can't accept that. Period.

I realize the affair will die, he will wake up and realize he's been played... But I am not confident it will happen before they become physical. That being said, and having read the urgency he feels in wanting to hug her or whatever... If I lose that resource, I will lose hope, how can I reconcile and monitor him if thats gone... I have no way of protecting myself if thats the case.... How can I walk unarmed into the battleground,again?



BW:34
WH:37
M 4 years, together 8 years
D-day of third EA with a coworker 1/6/10
PlanA 1/7-16/10
PlanB 1/17/10
~starting 16 months of grad school 1/9/10-will require class attendance 9-5 on 2 Saturdays and 2 Sundays every month
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I think you are doing fine Plex.

I hope you can have any monitoring software transfered to your IM so you wont be upset by it.

Of course it is up to you what you want to do with your marriage. IDK what is the problem with WH or why he feels he needs so much attention from OW. All I see is that it hurts you.

Dr. Harley is the expert here and I am not. I hope you see that I would support your WH if he posted here also. The thing I would support is.. your marriage. If and when he wants to learn how to be married I am sure he will be welcomed here. This is a place of learning and nobody shoud take sides.

As it is now, you are on the "side" of what is right in a marriage. That is my opinion and I think most of the ppl here will agree. Bottom line, Dr H is the authority on reconciliation and restoration and I for one will not second guess him.

In the end its about you and you being treated right. Thats what I will stand for here for you. Understand that right now we on the forum are standing up for you in a place that your Husband should be, and he can't,(or wont), for whatever reason. When its all over you wont need us as much because you will come through this. You allready are making the right decisions.


Thank you for the compliment Plex and I hope you will be around so we can help with the process of healing. I realize you are self-sufficient but you don't have to be alone.

See ya soon smile


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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Plexle Offline OP
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Melody,

Know any good planB letters? Like for our situation? I counsel with DocH tomorrow and I wanted to have a draft ready...

Zero contact with WH. Only thru IM (told IM to tell him to pay the oil heating bill $900 and due in full or no more heat here!!! *gasping* he really put that one off...)

Nooo


BW:34
WH:37
M 4 years, together 8 years
D-day of third EA with a coworker 1/6/10
PlanA 1/7-16/10
PlanB 1/17/10
~starting 16 months of grad school 1/9/10-will require class attendance 9-5 on 2 Saturdays and 2 Sundays every month
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So what did the Doc say about a plan B letter for your sitch?


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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Plexle Offline OP
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DocH liked the one that I wrote. So I left it for him here at the house to get when he arrived with the IM for more things and visiting the dog.

Bad news is apparently I gave it to WH at the wrong time, for WH left me a letter of his own--a temper tantrum style letter- in its stead when he came with the IM to get more things and visit the dog.

That was terribly upsetting--but at least I have good support, get think it thru and realize it for what it was 'I'm not getting what I want' speech--Fainne and others to get me thru the relaity of his 'tantrum' response.

Also the oW has convinced him I can read his emails so he obsessed about that and threatened to get another pager.

I am abiding by my planB letter--no contact with him until he stops contact with the OW. Interesting, today H tells our IM that he told oW to give him space... and yet my tantrum letter states that she is a friend and not giving her up...

*sigh*

Back to healing.


BW:34
WH:37
M 4 years, together 8 years
D-day of third EA with a coworker 1/6/10
PlanA 1/7-16/10
PlanB 1/17/10
~starting 16 months of grad school 1/9/10-will require class attendance 9-5 on 2 Saturdays and 2 Sundays every month
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You are doing great. Have faith. I really think he just never expected you to stand up to him. Give him time to digest it and realize he'll have to respect you.

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Awesome plex
So what fun and uplifting activitys do you have planned? Baby yourself and do all the things you can to keep your mind busy.

The gals here have a lot of suggestions for women going through this kind of Plan B. Im sure you are reading about them.

You are gonna be alright!!!

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Plexle Offline OP
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Hi,

I left my planB letter for him to find, while he visited the dog and got more things with an IM.

crybaby He left me a letter of his own... It was devastating. It wasn't expected and it was in MY safe place, and I was doing WELL with no contact and HEALING...

He opens with "First of all I'm also sorry for what I had done to put you in pain and hurt you by having conversation where you had read what you did." He's sorry he got caught, not that he stole the candy. uhuh

*DocH said his red flag was when H really never seemed to get that hiding the relationship was essential wrong, because it brought pleasure in a time of stress.*

he wants me to know he loves me and he will always love me but after saying that he's been unhappy and cannot continue to be that way, and how I haven't noticed I made HIM unhappy (when was he planning to tell ME that and not the OW??) He doesn't expect perfection at all as he isn't perfect either...

Basically, said he will not stop contact as OW is good friend, she understands him and he doesn't want to spend his lifetime with HER. He wants me to understand him, his vision, his pictures and I always block it... think

He says too many sessions with DocH, obvious he's money hungry (he doesn't realize I scheduled the sessions) and he's going to find his own counselor to get his own anger out and help him to understand me, so I need another counselor to help me understand HIM.

He goes on to say that the fact that I don't trust him is ruining our marriage and that he "KNOWS" I'm reading all his email messages and its invasion of privacy, he goes on to threaten he will be forced to get a pager 'of his own' (I pay for his) if I don't stop as he is certain I found a way to read them. This is OW's influence, and having teenaged children I'm sure she uses the same techniques for monitoring. My husband hasn't used email with oW since the night he was asked to leave my home for our separation and went straight to meet her. twoxfour He really does love me so much and hurts badly that we can't work it out as he misses me, home and the dog.

He goes on to make 'demands' of his own: I seek counseling with a different counselor, don't give HIM demands, respect his private conversations.

he elaborates further he in alot of pain but he'll stand strong and he'll survive. "I love you so much and I hope we can talk in person"

COMPLETELY MISSED THE POINT of my planB letter. After a devastating sobbing session, I read it again, analyzed it and I have it:

Its a temper tantrum letter. Reminiscent of that screaming child wanting candy at the food store cashier station. rant2 Have to do as usual and ignore those...

I stand behind my letter--it was heartfelt and the path back to me. I will NOT respond to this muckety muck...

Meanwhile H s telling IM that he told OW to 'give him space' and she has agreed to do so. I personally think he's telling her (the IM where he also staying) what she wants to hear, to mooch out another week, rent-free... He's a savvy manipulator and he's got 'woe is me' down pat. Tsk. This is because he always says "I know" when the IM says 'you should stop contact and focus on your wife, that s OW is not your friend, she knows she's a barrier in your marriage"....

As usual, he says "i know" but he really means Nooo

Sadly, no emails have been sent to the counselor he states that he wishes to see, that he states emphatically he wants, to get issues inside himself out...
frown what an exhausting evening....

Hugs to you all.

Last edited by Plexle; 01/21/10 01:09 AM.

BW:34
WH:37
M 4 years, together 8 years
D-day of third EA with a coworker 1/6/10
PlanA 1/7-16/10
PlanB 1/17/10
~starting 16 months of grad school 1/9/10-will require class attendance 9-5 on 2 Saturdays and 2 Sundays every month
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Plexie, I'm pretty severely hearing impaired, although not totally deaf, and I think your WH needs to grow up!

I would NOT let him come to visit the dog, even with the IM.

He needs to understand what it is REALLY like not to have you in his life.

If he leaves any more notes, do not open or read them. Give them to your IM and let her deal with him. Her role is to protect you from his crap and not pass on any information other than necessary information such as financial info.

As for his not believing he's in an affair, NO WH who is "just talking" or "being friends" with another woman behind his wife's back thinks he's in an affair.

Being deaf just means that he can't hear, and maybe can't speak as hearing folks do. It shouldn't keep him from growing the heck up!

You do NOT need to be reading his emails or knowing what he is doing. Plan B is to PROTECT you and take you out of his drama. When he really decides to grow up and be the husband you deserve, he WILL tell you whether or not his affair became physical. Make sure he understands that you require total openess and honesty before you will let him come home.

Stay strong, Plexie!


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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hug
2 U 2

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Originally Posted by Lady_Clueless
Plexie, I'm pretty severely hearing impaired, although not totally deaf, and I think your WH needs to grow up!

Quote
Being deaf just means that he can't hear, and maybe can't speak as hearing folks do. It shouldn't keep him from growing the heck up!

Lady_Clueless, while I do appreciate your feedback for Plexle, I feel the need to respond to these.

When we say we are deaf, what we mean is we are not just physically deaf, but also culturally deaf. We already know we can do anything except hear, that infamous quote.

I don't think your intent was to offend, but it seems like you relate being deaf to not being grown up. I don't think anything Plexle or I said indicated this at all. We know many fine strong 'grown up' deaf adults. We're pretty grown up ourselves too.

Also, I do take issue with the words "hearing impaired". Why do you accept and use that label? It's like saying you are broken or not normal, and that is wrong. Why not "hard of hearing"?

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Originally Posted by Fainne78
When we say we are deaf, what we mean is we are not just physically deaf, but also culturally deaf.

Can you help me understand what you mean by culturally?

I don't think your intent was to offend, but it seems like you relate being deaf to not being grown up. I don't think anything Plexle or I said indicated this at all. We know many fine strong 'grown up' deaf adults. We're pretty grown up ourselves too.

I took it as a slight at the husbands childishness accually but maybe you saw the statement as globally stating "Deaf people need to grow up" I am sure she didn't mean that at all. Maybe if we knew a little more about culturally deaf we would understand but it seems that you saw the implication but didn't see the intent in what she said.


Also, I do take issue with the words "hearing impaired". Why do you accept and use that label? It's like saying you are broken or not normal, and that is wrong. Why not "hard of hearing"?

Some ppl are touchy with labels and its hard to know what to use as terms. In the hearing world that term is used all the time and its second nature for us to use it. Its "politically correct". I know what you mean tho because sometimes it seems so "over compensating".

George Carlin was a master in the english launguage and its inflections that hide true meanings. He has a shpeel about a certain term and maybe you will agree that some of us hearing ppl can read between the lines.

___________________________________________________________

"In WW2 there was a phychiatric condition when men would come back from the tension of war called "Shell Shock". It described what happened to Men who were in battle and were terrified for such a long period of time that their nervous system wuld eventually break down. That very same condition in the Korean War was described as "Battle fatiuge" (The term doesn't sound as violent or descriptive as Shell Shock does it)
By the time the Vietnam War had these type of casualties they changed the term to even something more vague, "Post Tramatic Stress Disorder".
To me, I can understand how wondering when the next bomb or bullet was going to kill me.. "Shell Shock" would scare the heck out of me and I can relate better to the condition. PTSD is such a technical all encompassing term it almost sounds like the soldier is expected to talk himself out of it.

____________________________________________________


So whats my point? I hoped that you see that we can read between the lines and nobody here intends to say the wrong thing.

It seem that you are very sensitive to the words we "say"(type) but don't read between the lines and see that we are on you guys side. Is it because us hearing ppl don't see the written word as specifically as the Deaf? Are we so bombarded with words and terms that we forgot what they mean?

If you read back in this thread you will see when you guys took offense to what some of us said and told us so the responses tapered off for a few days. I don't talk to any of the people here outside the forum but in my opinion I could easily assume you offended them. Now when we start posting again you can't see that everyone here trys so hard to be helpful and get offended again? I honestly don't understand whay this is happening and I would love it if you could help me.

Please give us hearing people a break. We have to sort thru all the BullChit daily and as hypocritical as we are we really could use some enligthtenment from the deaf who hear more with thier eyes than we aknowledge with ours.

I Think Dr H will be very good for plex as a counselor and I will pray for her and her husband.


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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