Thanks, I'll check around NP!

When our kids were babies, we belonged to a church where the mothers had developed a babysitting pool. No charge, just had to be active in the pool to use it. Just a thought.

No church here, thanks though.

Given this:


I think this:


Is probably not a good idea. ML do you commonly drink to the point of blacking out?

No not at all. I went through a few months after that incident without drinking at all then only with my husband. At this time we have a drink together once in a while, not to get drunk and definitely not to the point of blacking out.

Margie, have you read about Extraordinary Precautions here yet?

Have you talked with your husband about what HE needs from YOU to feel safe in the marriage?

General question to those who have BT;DT. I know that a Wayward spouse needs to do anything in their power to help their betrayed spouse recover, even if it is listening to them vent. At what point, however, should the line be drawn?

The reason I ask is this


Now if there were no infidelity involved I'd say strive to make UA time pleasant (you should absolutely NOT LB in any way0, if he begins to love bust, your personal boundaries should motivate you to remove yourself from the situation until he can be pleasant.

However, a significant reason for his LBing is Margie's infidelity. What should she/ shouldn't she put up with?

I have read about EPs but haven't talked to BH about his needs.

I know I really need to do that and I took a step by asking him to fill out the ENQ, I just feel rejected that he hasn't yet-it sits on our coffee table untouched.

I'm prepared to do anything and everything in my power to recover my marriage. I just don't want to keep bringing up the A, possibly starting a fight, even if I deserve it. I know that's me still being selfish... I'm trying to overcome my fear of fighting with him. I really am.

If he won't fill out the ENQ, just leave it for now.

Have you ever in the past talked about ENs? Do you have ANY idea where to start? I ask because with WH I didn't hear him for a long time when he told me about his needs.

You need to bring up the A and find out if that is the real reason for his withdrawal. Maybe there is more going on here. Many BS's would be thankful to have someone as committed to saving the marriage as you are - I'd be over the moon if my WH was!

A few years ago we used some self-help marriage books that talked about the emotional needs...but I don't remember his. Awful of me, I know.

As for where to start, I'm just working on not making him mad and hoping that some of it happens to fulfill an EN or two.

I'll try and get up the guts to ask if the A are the reason for his withdrawing. I actually don't think it's the A, I really think he's just tired of me. Bringing it back to not fulfilling ENs and not being beneficial towards the marriage in general because of not knowing how to...until now.

Send DD11 and DD8 to bed every night at 9; tell them they don't have to go to sleep; they can stay up and read if they want. (Give them lights on their beds.) Then you guys spend 9-11 together. That's 14 hours right there.

Funny, DDs do go to bed at 9.

It's just awkward. We don't have SF. (We did for months after DDay. Just the past 5 wks or so he started turning me down when I'd initiate.) I can give him a kiss when I'm going somewhere or when he gets home from class, but we're currently sleeping on the living room couches-separately.

Most of our time, admittedly is spent watching TV. How do I break that habit?

ML, are you SURE he is not having an affair himself? The withdrawal, not wanting SF....those can be clues that he is being unfaithful himself!

Should I just out right ask him? I see him being highly offended by that. He's only gone to class and clinicals and I know his schedule. In the past two months he's only gone out with a friend of his maybe 3 times and besides that never goes out, no secret phone calls or texts I don't know about. He's not secretive about anything...

I would just hate to rock the boat in that way if it wasn't necessary. I mean, WHO am I to be asking HIM if he's having an A after what I've done? KWIM?

Don't bother on here !! You will be called every name under the sun !!

Thanks but I saw your thread...

I appreciate the help and advice I've been getting here. You don't have to appreciate it. That's your choice.

Your affair does not justify him having an affair. I wouldn't ask him, I'd just snoop around and see if you find anything.

Right now, your boat is sailing through some unpleasant waters... it needs to be rocked a bit.

I'm sorry I'm not really equipped to counsel on dealing with affairs, I just wanna let you know that I'm pulling for you. You have to accept that he may not recover from your affairs - this marriage may not survive. After that you need to do EVERYTHING in your power to live the MB principles. Meet his ENs as best as you can (try to meet the 4 intimate ones at least), Don't Love Bust, Be completely transparent, Put in place your EPs and let him know they are there.

Be the best you can - go above and beyond and create a safe place for him to come out when he's ready.

Have you considered he may be depressed? Is he willing to consider it and maybe get some ADs?

I don't know how willing he is to consider himself depressed. I know he was diagnosed ADHD as a kid. I've been diagnosed and medicated for depression and anxiety so it's not unheard of. It is something he's familiar with. He was going to IC but missed an appointment and just never scheduled again. Same with our marriage counseling. Right now he's at the point where he says he's open to me earning him back but he's tired of trying.

I don't know. I'm so confused now.

No; don't do this!

If you do ask him, it'll tip him off that you suspect and if there is anything, it'll make him take it more deeply underground.

What you need to do is snoop on him, yourself. Your marriage needs to value snooping as a virtue.

You need to get to the point where you trust that he is not having an affair because you've personally verified it. (And not because of just wishful thinking or because you think "trust" is a virtue.)

Agreed!

bingoaway