Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 14 1 2 3 4 13 14
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
Thanks, I'll check around NP!


Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04

DD11
DD8
DS3

In a big ol mess...
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 843
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 843
When our kids were babies, we belonged to a church where the mothers had developed a babysitting pool. No charge, just had to be active in the pool to use it. Just a thought.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
No church here, thanks though.


Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04

DD11
DD8
DS3

In a big ol mess...
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,164
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,164
Given this:

Originally Posted By: MargieLoll
A couple of nights before he moved out he, BH and I were up late drinking (heavily). BH went to bed. I blacked out except for a few parts of the evening that made me think we had sex. I don't remember sex at all. The next day when I talked to the guy he made it very clear that we had sex.


I think this:

Originally Posted By: NewPetals
Once your son is in bed, perhaps you could take time to have a drink,


Is probably not a good idea. ML do you commonly drink to the point of blacking out?


Me - 44
DW - 39
Married 16 years
DS10
DS6
DD4
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
No not at all. I went through a few months after that incident without drinking at all then only with my husband. At this time we have a drink together once in a while, not to get drunk and definitely not to the point of blacking out.


Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04

DD11
DD8
DS3

In a big ol mess...
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
Margie, have you read about Extraordinary Precautions here yet?

Have you talked with your husband about what HE needs from YOU to feel safe in the marriage?

General question to those who have BT;DT. I know that a Wayward spouse needs to do anything in their power to help their betrayed spouse recover, even if it is listening to them vent. At what point, however, should the line be drawn?

The reason I ask is this

Originally Posted By: Margieloll
I don't care about having alone time at all. Just want UA time with BH without fighting, LB and the like.


Now if there were no infidelity involved I'd say strive to make UA time pleasant (you should absolutely NOT LB in any way0, if he begins to love bust, your personal boundaries should motivate you to remove yourself from the situation until he can be pleasant.

However, a significant reason for his LBing is Margie's infidelity. What should she/ shouldn't she put up with?

Last edited by Vibrissa; 05/03/10 02:05 PM.

Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'
HIYA!
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
I have read about EPs but haven't talked to BH about his needs.

I know I really need to do that and I took a step by asking him to fill out the ENQ, I just feel rejected that he hasn't yet-it sits on our coffee table untouched.

I'm prepared to do anything and everything in my power to recover my marriage. I just don't want to keep bringing up the A, possibly starting a fight, even if I deserve it. I know that's me still being selfish... I'm trying to overcome my fear of fighting with him. I really am.


Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04

DD11
DD8
DS3

In a big ol mess...
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 738
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 738
If he won't fill out the ENQ, just leave it for now.

Have you ever in the past talked about ENs? Do you have ANY idea where to start? I ask because with WH I didn't hear him for a long time when he told me about his needs.

You need to bring up the A and find out if that is the real reason for his withdrawal. Maybe there is more going on here. Many BS's would be thankful to have someone as committed to saving the marriage as you are - I'd be over the moon if my WH was!


Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10

Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10

Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012

Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
A few years ago we used some self-help marriage books that talked about the emotional needs...but I don't remember his. Awful of me, I know.

As for where to start, I'm just working on not making him mad and hoping that some of it happens to fulfill an EN or two.

I'll try and get up the guts to ask if the A are the reason for his withdrawing. I actually don't think it's the A, I really think he's just tired of me. Bringing it back to not fulfilling ENs and not being beneficial towards the marriage in general because of not knowing how to...until now.


Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04

DD11
DD8
DS3

In a big ol mess...
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: MargieLoll
Question: What are the best ways to spend UA time, cheap and with kids running around? Worst part is DD11 and DD8 are leaving in a month to be with their dad for the summer so I'm going to have DS3 (4 by then) all summer and no real options for a sitter.

Thanks


Send DD11 and DD8 to bed every night at 9; tell them they don't have to go to sleep; they can stay up and read if they want. (Give them lights on their beds.) Then you guys spend 9-11 together. That's 14 hours right there.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
Funny, DDs do go to bed at 9. smile

It's just awkward. We don't have SF. (We did for months after DDay. Just the past 5 wks or so he started turning me down when I'd initiate.) I can give him a kiss when I'm going somewhere or when he gets home from class, but we're currently sleeping on the living room couches-separately.

Most of our time, admittedly is spent watching TV. How do I break that habit?


Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04

DD11
DD8
DS3

In a big ol mess...
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 738
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 738
ML, are you SURE he is not having an affair himself? The withdrawal, not wanting SF....those can be clues that he is being unfaithful himself!


Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10

Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10

Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012

Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
Should I just out right ask him? I see him being highly offended by that. He's only gone to class and clinicals and I know his schedule. In the past two months he's only gone out with a friend of his maybe 3 times and besides that never goes out, no secret phone calls or texts I don't know about. He's not secretive about anything...

I would just hate to rock the boat in that way if it wasn't necessary. I mean, WHO am I to be asking HIM if he's having an A after what I've done? KWIM?


Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04

DD11
DD8
DS3

In a big ol mess...
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 337
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 337
Don't bother on here !! You will be called every name under the sun !!

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
Thanks but I saw your thread...

I appreciate the help and advice I've been getting here. You don't have to appreciate it. That's your choice.


Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04

DD11
DD8
DS3

In a big ol mess...
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
Originally Posted By: MargieLoll
Should I just out right ask him? I see him being highly offended by that. He's only gone to class and clinicals and I know his schedule. In the past two months he's only gone out with a friend of his maybe 3 times and besides that never goes out, no secret phone calls or texts I don't know about. He's not secretive about anything...

I would just hate to rock the boat in that way if it wasn't necessary. I mean, WHO am I to be asking HIM if he's having an A after what I've done? KWIM?


Your affair does not justify him having an affair. I wouldn't ask him, I'd just snoop around and see if you find anything.

Right now, your boat is sailing through some unpleasant waters... it needs to be rocked a bit.

I'm sorry I'm not really equipped to counsel on dealing with affairs, I just wanna let you know that I'm pulling for you. You have to accept that he may not recover from your affairs - this marriage may not survive. After that you need to do EVERYTHING in your power to live the MB principles. Meet his ENs as best as you can (try to meet the 4 intimate ones at least), Don't Love Bust, Be completely transparent, Put in place your EPs and let him know they are there.

Be the best you can - go above and beyond and create a safe place for him to come out when he's ready.

Have you considered he may be depressed? Is he willing to consider it and maybe get some ADs?


Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'
HIYA!
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
I don't know how willing he is to consider himself depressed. I know he was diagnosed ADHD as a kid. I've been diagnosed and medicated for depression and anxiety so it's not unheard of. It is something he's familiar with. He was going to IC but missed an appointment and just never scheduled again. Same with our marriage counseling. Right now he's at the point where he says he's open to me earning him back but he's tired of trying.

I don't know. I'm so confused now.


Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04

DD11
DD8
DS3

In a big ol mess...
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: MargieLoll
Should I just out right ask him?


No; don't do this!

If you do ask him, it'll tip him off that you suspect and if there is anything, it'll make him take it more deeply underground.

What you need to do is snoop on him, yourself. Your marriage needs to value snooping as a virtue.

You need to get to the point where you trust that he is not having an affair because you've personally verified it. (And not because of just wishful thinking or because you think "trust" is a virtue.)


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 738
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 738
Originally Posted By: markos
Originally Posted By: MargieLoll
Should I just out right ask him?


No; don't do this!

If you do ask him, it'll tip him off that you suspect and if there is anything, it'll make him take it more deeply underground.

What you need to do is snoop on him, yourself. Your marriage needs to value snooping as a virtue.

You need to get to the point where you trust that he is not having an affair because you've personally verified it. (And not because of just wishful thinking or because you think "trust" is a virtue.)


Agreed!


Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10

Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10

Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012

Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
bingoaway

Page 2 of 14 1 2 3 4 13 14

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (35yrsLater), 10 guests, and 50 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Spartan Point He, OnTheRocks, Alise245, CVT, Olivia 80
71,700 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,537
Posts2,322,686
Members71,700
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5