Margie,

Here is what I am seeing and why I am on you about things. You said

See this quote? Do you know what I read in it? Let me paraphrase it so that you see what I see Your first sentence is good. However, the start of the next sentence essentially says BUT... That "BUt" negates all you have said about understanding where he is coming from. A "but" or an "however" removes an apology, it removes an "I understand what you said...", it removes any statements that are meant to indicate apology, understanding, or empathy.

Do you see what I am saying? You really really have to focus on your actions and remove the "but/however" from your statements. You focus on correcting you and let him worry about fixing him.

One other thought, do you really think that cooking/cleaning and doing other things you don't want to do are going to make amends? You making a sacrifice without a POJA is wasting time. You being happy to see him, you doing things with him, you being happy and smiling will help him. You don't know his needs yet, but I would guess that high is SF (only if YOU enjoy it), you being happy, you enjoying his company, you helping him with things will go a long way in showing him that you really do want and need him in your life.

I will expand on the "you enjoying it" comment for a moment. Most men find SF very satisfying and enjoyable IF their spouse finds it enjoyable. Most men find an enthusiastic partner very much a turn on. So oddly our enjoyment depends on our spouse enjoying it. Not all men are like this, but most of them are. This little lesson actually carries over to other parts of life. Most men are happy when their W's are happy because it indicates to them that they are providing a life/lifestyle that is pleasing to the W and thus it means they(the men) are succeeding.

You will understand more and more of this as you read here, read the articles and experiment on your H. Try a few of these things and watch him/his body language/his behavior afterwards.

Just thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

Update:

More texts to that girl. Asking for sexy pictures, asking if they'd have a chance if he moved back to Dallas... Message back and forth from a girl on the single's site. She's asking to meet up. I don't think he's answered yet...

((Margie)) I'd say that's enough to establish an EA - asking for naughty pics and stuff. That should be enough for an exposure. IMO (and I'm no expert) you should consider doing a double exposure of both him and you. Approach it from the stand point of 'we've both made mistakes and need your support to build a better, healthy marriage.'

I can't remember if your own infidelities have been exposed but I know if it were me and a friend exposed her husbands EA to me and then after the fact I hear about her ONSs I'd feel pretty upset.

This way - he has nothing to throw at you to justify his EA. You simply tell him your view of marriage has changed and you want to build a healthy marriage, which requires you both come clean about your affairs.

Well there ya go. Solid proof. What's your plan?

I... I don't know.

I KNOW exposure is the thing to do.

I feel like I was just starting to make progress with us, him *letting* me be nice to him, joking around a little etc.

I know exposure will ruin that. And I'm afraid he will have the attitude of I'm gonna do whatever I want, I'm not "into" this marriage anyways (as he's made clear to me repeatedly) etc. He will hide his computer and his phone and I won't have access to anymore information and he may take my computer and lock it up to, at which point I will have no access to anything, especially you guys...

I was able to forward a few messages from his phone to mine from that girl last night but now the forwards are not coming through or they are blank... ?? What do you think is causing this?

My A's were exposed to our parents and his friends.

I do also have to wait for the keylogger I installed to start emailing me. I'm having issues with this. I can definitely get this done when he goes to take one of his exams tonight.

Ok I was able just now to get it to email me (he's sleeping). But now I don't have any proof of anything but what's still on his computer. It won't email me the logs it already has, I don't think. I'll have to look harder, later...

I'm afraid that I don't have enough proof.

I think he has a keylogger on my computer which would compromise the email the keylogger is sending to, the password, info on the keylogger etc.

What if he installs a keylogger on his laptop to catch my logging in password?? Or a keylogger finder-they have those you know!

I'm not really that afraid to expose but I am afraid, like I said, that my proof isn't solid enough and that I'll be made to look crazy....

please help

Margie, did you happen to get the number of the girl he was texting?

Ya I have her phone number, why?

What else can you find out about her from her phone number? You have her name? Tell his parents. Tell anyone you can on her side.

I have her name, have her on facebook. I know I could expose on my, his and her facebook. I'm just plain scared. He's going to take everything, figure out the keylogger, hide his phone (which is not a blackberry or iphone so I can't install a program on it).

I don't know anything about separation. As much as I've been reading on MB for the past couple of weeks I still feel lost right now! I don't know what I would post to expose them, what do I say and how?

Margie, you need to expose.

Even if he locks you out of everything - you already know it. My WH has completely locked me out of everything. But it doesn't mean I don't know what's going on still.

And after you expose, he's going to be angry. Just say calmly, (all together now!), "I will do what it takes to save our marriage!" As I've been told a few times, your marriage can survive his anger, but it CANNOT survive his infidelity.

Thank you so much NP for responding. You're the only one today!

But what do I post?

Friends and Family:

H and I have made some terrible mistakes in our marriage. The latest is his attempt at harboring an EA with OW and dating on single's sites. I will do everything in my power and use all my resources to save our marriage and I'd appreciate your help.

Let me find an example exposure letter (mine has been erased from here). Try not to sound so "blaming."

Well it seems I'm not very good at searching on here, can't find an exposure letter to save my life!

Start out by saying something like:

Dear (person),

I am saddened to inform you that my husband has been involved in an affair with OW. I have proof in the way of etc etc.

I love my husband and will do anything to save my marriage, but this affair must end! I am asking for your help in ensuring it does not continue.

And so on. That's all I can really remember from my exposure letter. Perhaps the vets have more advice? Wait before you send it, I am sure other people will be able to help more!!

I'm going to wait a bit until after he gets on the computer this afternoon. That way when I post it on Facebook it will be awhile before he sees it and can take it off of his wall.

After I post on Facebook and expose-since then it will be "out there", do I confront him on it?

I'm actually not too clear on this one - since I found out and confronted and then it was a few days before I found MB.....

So, bump. Anyone have advice?

I went about exposure by calling everyone who cared about our marriage -- including the other man's wife -- and leading with the following paragraph, more or less.

Hi, friend. I called you today for your advice. WW has been having an affair for the past X months with another man. Although it has not yet become sexual, she refuses to break it off with him and I'm at a loss what to do. I could really use your advice.

That was usually enough to get them on the side of the marriage. Simple and to the point. Do not try to distinguish "emotional affair" or "physical affair". An EA is just an affair that hasn't become sexual YET. It will, given time and conditions persisting as they are.

You're trying to prevent those conditions from occurring. You don't expose for revenge. You expose to end the affair. And the single most powerful exposure is usually the one to the "other side" of the affair: the affair partner's family or spouse.

Please, anyone. H just left to take an exam. I have full access to his computer right now.

Do I really have enough evidence to expose and confront?

Has anyone else's WS installed a keylogger to try and combat the one you installed, or used a keylogger detector?

I am getting so scared. I'm physically shaking. He kept asking what was wrong and I just said nothing. He definitely suspects something...