no sir. i'm contrite 2 YEARS after the fact, and if you want to know what took it took to get me there, you're going to hear it via email, because it's not fit for this forum. i heartily endorse Plan A and Plan B as described, because i KNOW i would not have responded to Plan A, and that Plan B would have been our first hope at recovery. Plan A AND Plan B would have given me perspective and reminded me of what my marriage was worth. as it stands, i'm on this forum 2 years later still trying to get my mind right.

Wheels said it best. WE REWRITE HISTORY. she may very well believe right now that she can't recall a single happy moment out of those 7 years. SHE...IS...LY...ING. hopefully one day she'll recognize the truth--that you were probably good to her, and that she couldn't accept it because she was preoccupied w/ OM.

look, i'm not predicting outcome...your mind's in the right place and you're following through as you should--read Mark1952's thread on hope vs. expectations, though. i can't find the link. everyone's been telling you to you need to squelch your expectations, but that needs to be tempered by a hearty dose of hope.

email me, for real. **edit** i'll tell you precisely why i bounced back, and precisely why YOU are doing the right thing by adhering to Plan A and Plan B.

RN:

Could you post a short summary as to why you bounced back? That will be helpful to YEG a large number of men in this forum.

Thanks

CIAO

Maybe. I guess we will see. PB will work its magic either way.


Id love to hear the story but im not comfortable doing private emails. Sharing personal topics in an open environment is fine for me but doing personal topics in private with a member of the opposite sex.

Its just a barrier I have to set on myself and I know you understand.


I just gotta hope in the program. She seems pretty clear headed already. Very calm and reserved.


I dont think my mind is in the right place. I think it is giving up fast. The easy D path looks better and better. Maybe PB will help. Distance may make it easier.

I want some hope. Maybe I can get a call in to Obama for a hope stimulus package.

Seriously I want to do this. Im having a hard time with FILs just be patient comments. He doesnt like that I gave her a deadline. I didnt even give her a real ulitmatum. He isnt going to like her getting kicked out and I really dont care anymore. She is making this unbearable. If she wants time to think then go think. Its HIS daughter that is driving the M into the ground not me. The BS you BOTH caused this is getting annoying. I may have not been viligent and was not the best husband but I have taken steps to fix myself and the M. She has done nothing.

ILs mostly are on the WS side...for obvious reasons. My FIL still does not understand why I left and later on asked WH to leave the marital home so I could have my home back..FIL thinks I should have not done that when WH had stated clearly for over a year that he wanted to move out ...and that he no longer loved me. Plus he had been in an A for over a year...but still FIL does not get it. They always say: it takes 2....
but it takes one to cheat...I did not make him.
blessing

TJ/



RN... this is a HUGE no-no on MB and precisely why private messaging is disabled. This should be an automatic boundary for those in recovery. Do you see that?

This is an anonymous forum, no one knows you IRL or really anything about you. There's no reason to feel uncomfortable about sharing here... we've heard it all, and no one is going to look down their nose at you for sharing something like this. In fact, it would probably be MORE than helpful for some of the BHs on here to hear it.

/TJ

Nope....

BAD...BAD.... Idea.

There should be NO emailing between members of the opposite sex on this forum....no PRIVATE conversations at all. This is what starts affairs.

committed

Need some input here.

Tommorow the WW and I have a scheduled R talk to discuss her commitment to the M. I need a flow path for the possibilities.

First path is she is willing to recommit. This is unlikely and I don�t think its going to happen. If it does then Im scheduling an appointment with Steve asap.

Second is she wants to separate. This is pretty likely. All the signs are pointing here. If she wants this what do I say?
I realize I cant convice her or educate her. My plan Is to ask her to move out of the house. Im also going to see if she will let me schedule and appointment with steve to talk about dealing with DD5 for the separation. She said she would talk to him for this.

Third Is she �thinks� she wants to separate and �might� want a divorce. She will say she hasn�t made up her mind yet. That�s also pretty likely. Not quite sure what to do about this. Do I say I need space and ask her to leave? Then later I can give her the PB letter?

Help me come up with a script. I know im going to get the no R talk but this is my PB entry point. I need to know she isn�t coming back in PA for my sanity prior to going PB.

Do I tell her that if she leaves I�m pursuing a legal separation? Or just let her wonder and sweat it. I must admit im worried I am giving her what she wants by going PB. Its been 2 months.

If she does not behave like RN or Sparkle you go to Plan B.

Plan A does not work well with her. She is a Plan B type WW.

I think you know this.

Good luck. In the end you will be fine regardless of the outcome. You are young and a great man. There are millions of women that are dying for men like you.

I accept that. Its the only thing thats going to knock her off the fence.

Im just looking for words to tell her. The conversation I should have.

On D-day i told my wife:

"It is over, I am getting a divorce". That was ,my Plan A-B in one.

With this info she became a cooperative motivated WW and therefore we were able to stayed married. IMHO, you need a motivated WW and your wife may need plan B to become motivated.

Listen to what she says and then announce you are going Plan B with no words regarding your willingness to take her back. If you say once again you are dying to take her back she will not take you seriously.

NO MORE THREAD-JACKING AFTER THIS, PROMISE!
I�ll post it on my thread to avoid further T/J!

WHOA. YEG, Stanley, Committed, Meggy, and everyone else who happens across this�that was GRIEVOUSLY ill-advised and frankly stupid of me. I apologize, and I thank for stepping in to point out what really should have been obvious to me.

I saw that the PM feature was disabled, but I thought it was a tech glitch�it never occurred to me that maybe the administrators realized it was a counterproductive feature for a MARRIAGE�.BUILDERS�.FORUM. And it�s ironic, I posted last night that my internal boundaries are super-strict now, and I�m all wary and careful�evidently not so much. Eye-opener. THANK YOU, ALL.
This has led me to some serious thought about boundaries, which I now realize I totally lack.
Done thread-jacking, YEG, sorry!

STOP THE F-ING R TALK!

You are talking this thing to death. She knows what you want. You are tipping your hand for plan B. Have a date in mind, and if she doesn't fully commit by that date (without talking about it 500 times in between now and then), go to plan B and give her the letter. It's that simple. I don't understand why you need to rehash things out with her every other day. Stop it! It's only going to make her not want to be with you.

Shut up about it, plan A great (i.e. no R talk) for a little while longer, then - BAM - hit her with plan B. That's your plan. Quit with all the overanalyzing and talking through it BS. Maybe if you talk about it more with her for another 100 hours things will change. NOT!

Keep
It
Simple
Stupid

YEG, Mark just gave this advice to another person on another thread who is contemplating going into Plan B. I think you could use it too.



Very simple... no deep heavy relationship talk, just spell it out... how it is for YOU. You are hurting me and I want it to stop. Either p**p or get off the pot.

Thats pretty eloquent. Thats what I will do. No trying to educate her. Just ask her if she is willing to commit. No answer or a no im leaving will be essentially the same thing.


Its because I hurt. Im a fixer type. Standing back isnt my strong suit. It will be in a few days though.


Its no big deal.


Lots of people here are needy. I know I am. I just have to be careful. I would be ok 99% of the time I talked to a person of the opposite sex. Its that 1% of the time im worried about.

Its weird because I can FEEL myself getting wayward the longer im in the ENs desert. I FEEL attracted to other women and just start wondering stuff. I just need a friend to talk too. Or there is nothing wrong with dating a person im probably getting a D anyways. Bad bad bad.

So to sum it up its not you its me.

Yeg, if you haven't got a support network other than this forum then I would suggest getting an IC. I have one, it is just like rent a friend really. It really helps to talk about this stuff.

That is exactly why you should have stayed in plan B, or move into as fast as you can! You are hurting! You need to get into plan B, to help you, remember plan b is for you not your wife.

I have an IC. I just end up talking about the same thing I do here. My parents are decent as well but they want me to just dump the b&*(#. So i dont talk to them much about it.


Hold me a spot. Ill be in the Plan B line really soon.

YEG,

The very frustrating thing about trying to help you is that people are giving you great advice, you seem to think you have the better answers, and you come off as needy, pathetic, and completely unattractive to the wife you claim you want back. We're telling you what you need to do, yet you refuse to follow the advice.

You are not a mystery. You are a pathetic puppy dog begging for scraps from the master's table. That is completely unattractive to your wife. You say you're not a 180 kind of guy. Well then you'll be a man who won't recover your marriage.

Being nice will not work. Talking about the relationship ad nauseum, will not work.

Carrying on with your life, pretending not to hurt or need her, will get you much further.

I may sound harrsh, but I'm speaking as a man who behaved as you're behaving. My ex never respected me because I never gave her a reason to. Learn from my mistake.

Odds are against me anyways.



You sound harsh but I cant say your wrong. Alot of the reason she hasn't come back maybe was that I was too available. That will be remedied tommorow.

I couldnt do 180 during PA. i sucks A$$ at it. Gonna have to do a better job at PB. last time i wasnt quite set up. i didnt have my mind right and I let myself get sucked in the first speed bump I got. Everything is lined up now though. Im writing a new PB letter at work tommorow. Im using the PB letter from princessmeggy. DD5 will be at my moms house so she will be away from the fall out. I have DD5 till sunday at least so she wont witness WW breakdown. My parents can watch DD5 if I get too emotional. We all know I have a tendancy to do that. im transferring all the bills to my name from the house. That way she cant mess up my credit. Im dropping her off my cell phone plan.

As an aside I finished day 40 of the love dare today. I guess if there is ever a message from above to move to PB its now.

Should be a quick conversation at least. Hi how was your day? Good thats great. BTW have you decided to recommit to the M? No? heres your note. Exit stage right.

Sure her bag is already packed for the weekend so should be around long enough to eat dinner.

For once there will be no begging, pleading or educating.

nice job, Yeg....
This will make a huge difference for her, if you are gone she will be lost for a while....let that happen, stick with your Plan B and wait her out....
go on with your life, spend time with your kids........
let her feel you not being there for her, not supporting her financially......she will get the message real quick and that's what you are looking for......REALITY!!!!
I'm proud of you, you have learned a lot and have given it a great Plan A so far......but it's time for her to get off the fence.....one way or another your life will go on and be better for you with a little time......