So in other words, what drives behavior is character.

It's not events. Events only expose character.

A spouse filing for divorce doesn't drive the character of the WW being divorced. It exposes her character.

If she cozies up with the OM, then you have your answer. If she comes to your lawyers office and says, it's true, I hurt my husband and I'll agree to any terms to save the marriage, a post-nup, a pre-defined divorce agreement if I don't demonstrate my love and devotion to my betrayed husband, he can have it all because I've done that much damage.

I think any BH would respond to that sort of humility and contrition.

But if the WW just runs to the OM, is that because of a defect in his choosing divorce or in her character.

Her character 100% of the time is where the defect lies.

YEG WHERE ARE YOU??

EXACTLY. It simply exposed her character and her true intent. We have had so many divorces stopped and marriages turned around the years, that I know from experience that wild horses will not a WS who is serious about saving the marriage. In the case you mention, MB, the WW was not serious at all or she would have done something. She did nothing. And the BS was better off without a WS who wasn't going to try anyway. And he was legally protected.

YEG,

Been catching up on your thread. There are TONS of parallels between what you're being fed and the situation I went through.

Please understand that while we pile on you, we're rooting for you. We WANT you to recover your marriage or get a good deal if you D.

But the problem is that you're not following the advice you're being given.

Like you, I had a WW that was very manipulative and played me like a fiddle. Like you I got sweet talked into certain divorce agreements which did nothing more than set her up to be in a great situation once we split.

This is where we offer the advice we offer. It comes from experience.

There is only one option for divorce: Full out war where you're looking to take anything and everything. Make divorce look so ugly and nasty that she doesn't want to go down that path and risks losing everything if she does.

This doesn't mean that will necessarily go down that path. It's a front to the concessions you can give at a later date to settle things. But the appearance must be that she is going to lose her shirt if she goes down that path.

She wants CS calcualted on $25k instead of $50k? Tough. Her earning potential has been shown to be $50k so that is what will be used.

She's lawyered up, so the odds are that she's following advice on how not to lose her shirt, which included moving back into the house and taking away your opportunity to file for abandonment, which set you up for your son.

The problem you have is the one I had. You love her and don't want this so you're playing a half a$$ed game where you hope she will wake up.

Well, she's not playing the same game. She's using your love for her to manipulate you into better deals for herself.

Trust me. I speak from experience. My WW took me on dates, had SF, promised me we'd be back together again after some healing time, and basically left me signing away everything.

Once the ink was dry, she ran off with her new found freedom, all our stuff, and the kids. So I was left holding empty promises and not much more. She left me unemployed, broke, without my kids, and depressed beyond belief. I spent about $70k to correct the errors and I'm really just now getting above water, 4 years after the D.

So remove your emotions. Don't think of her as your wife. Think of her as a person you don't trust that you have to sign a contract with.

So fight. Fight hard, be a hardass, and don't compromise.

YEG hasn't posted since the afternoon of 7/6...hope all is well...

Listen to Helpthelostdads.... he always has good advice.

This is the way I see it and what I've stood by.

1) Divorce should not be used as a tool for reconciliation. Of course, when you are trying to recover, definitely paint the divorce process as painful and difficult as possible and make it a very unpleasant alternative to recovery. But, once the decision has been made to divorce and papers are filed, then the door to recovery is closed, permanently. I was not willing to take that step (divorce) until I was 100% convinced that it was inevitable. I just don't see holding onto hope when things are proceeding through the legal system, and I don't think it's a good way to force your spouse to make a decision.

2) Divorce is a business deal. You are trying to get the most custody and most money you can get in the deal. You must take the emotions out of it, wether they are anger and you are looking for retribution, or left over feelings for your spouse and trying to appease them. As in business, you can choose to be totally ruthless, or you can try to be as fair as possible - both approaches can be successful depending on the circumstances. However, you will never come out ahead by rolling over.

Get yourself a lawyer and plan and counter her every move. You can be sure that your wife is and she sounds like a smart one to me!

Not true. We were three days away from the divorce being final when I stopped the divorce. Filing for divorce is for PROTECTION until the outcome is known. If recovery happens, a divorce can always be stopped. If it doesn't, then the protection is already in place.

With that said, if a divorce is filed, the person filing should seek all relief available to them and not hold back in hopes of recovery. That is the sensible thing to do. In Yeg's case, it is the ONLY sensible thing to do based on his WW's actions and behavior.

Don't get me wrong, I am not advocating this approach for others, it's just the way I felt and what worked for me.

Ya...I'm getting worried about him too...I wonder if there is a way we can email him can't we?

Filing for divorce doesn't make things final. It certainly shows an ugly alternative to recovery.

But it's a path that should be followed if there appears to be a no progress being made by a wayward. It's ugly and it sucks, but having that in the back pocket is simply insurance and protection.

Yeg, you okay? Please post and at least say hi so we'll know you're okay.

Hi YEG,

I have to assume at this point that you are not wanting to be bothered by an MB member, but nonetheless, I just wanted to say hi and bump your story up.

I hope that you and your W are making honest progress toward reconciliation and recovery.

On the other hand, I fear that you may be one of the BH's who stop in, look and listen, try hard, and then take your own advice and disappear. I hope that is not your case.

Anyway, good luck, and I hope you have brought enough of MB away with you to not only permit self-change, but to give you a good chance to save your M.

The best to you,

Tom

Hey Yeg, I was looking at another user's post and realized that you haven't posted in some time. What's up?