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SteveinJAX #2418663 08/19/10 11:03 AM
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Originally Posted by SteveinJAX
We have some friends coming in town tomorrow that are on my side of this, and they are going to talk to her. Another friend of hers is going to call her on Saturday to talk to her. A

Having mini confrontations with her like this will, I think, numb her to the coming nuclear exposure (which is the most effective way to do it). I would hold off on all these folks "talking" to her until you've got all your ducks in a row. All she will do is gaslight everyone...

Hang in there.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SteveinJAX #2418665 08/19/10 11:08 AM
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I don�t know if it will help you, but try to find a way to detach yourself emotionally from your WW in the sense that she�s not the woman you married or know but is an alien you have to deal with in an unemotional, logical way that is free of emotions.

I use to not understand what it meant when a soldier said he coped with the stress of combat and the fear of death by accepting that he was dead already. That didn�t make sense to me until I went through this ordeal with my ex and had a custody fight that followed.

If you accept that you�re already dead, then you can respond without fear. If you accept that your wife is already lost then you can deal with her in a more unfeeling and logical manner that detaches your love for her from the actions you must perform to either save your marriage or eventually divorce.

It�s all easier said than done, but it�s a philosophy and coping mechanism worth chewing on. It�s easy to look back in hindsight and say, �I should have done x, y, or z with my ex when I dealt with the infidelity.�

The fact is we act with what we know at the time and make decisions based on that. The difference with you is that you have a group of folks willing to do the thinking for you.

The actions we recommend are with the intent of ending the affair (all of us have that goal), saving your marriage (if you chose to do so), or protect yourself legally for your children (my own personal crusade and a sentiment others here share).

The woman you knew is dead. Whatever emerges from this ordeal will be a new thing. It will either be a life without her or a totally new marriage based on principles you didn�t have before infidelity reared its ugly head. Either way, recapturing the past is a non player, which is something I never understood or accepted when I went through my own situation.

We�re all rooting for you, regardless what happens. I�m surprised you have yet to hear an anger filled rant from her for exposing.

SteveinJAX #2418668 08/19/10 11:11 AM
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Hi,

I just read through most of your thread and wanted to chime in to say that you are doing a great job with all of this.


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

RedsWife #2418688 08/19/10 11:52 AM
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Yes, right now all I want to do is save our marriage! For us and for our family. I have taken steps to protect financial interests and limit her access to funds to only support the children (groceries, gasoline, etc.) I pay all of the bills, which are now debited from my own separate checking account.

She will not have access to funds to pay for anything to support her affair, or to retain a lawyer, or anything else for that matter.



Me: BH (35)
WW (29)
DD (5)
DS (1)
D-Day: EA 8/7/10
SteveinJAX #2418694 08/19/10 12:18 PM
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I suggest you call her mother, she is the only person in her family that value marriage, the rest of her family DON'T hence why they have divorced remarried and divorce again and remarried once more.

CALL HER TODAY!! Let her KNOW EVERYTHING!

SteveinJAX #2418711 08/19/10 01:20 PM
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Originally Posted by SteveinJAX
We have some friends coming in town tomorrow that are on my side of this, and they are going to talk to her. Another friend of hers is going to call her on Saturday to talk to her. All of these folks are on my side and they told me they are going to tell her that she needs to wake up and realize what she is doing to her family and that she is making the biggest mistake of her life. I am hoping that will help. And I will continue to recruit anyone and everyone that will support me and have them convince her that she just needs to stop this.

Steve, in view of all that you said in this post, I would call her mother NOW and get the rest of your exposures done. [the OM's family, facebook friends] I don't care that your wife sniffed her nose at you about the previous exposures, that is to be expected. But you need to get to her mother NOW and ask her mother to use her influence to persuade her DD to end her affair. Tell the mother she is having an affair with Joe XX, who is also married and separated from his wife. Tell her through some intel you have done, there was a plan to move out so she could carry on her affair. ASK FOR HER ADVICE.

It is ok if your wife sniffs at your exposures. They still have an impact on the affair. It will also have an effect on whether or not the OM is ever accepted into that family.

Maybe plan a grand exposure for tomorrow to time with your friends coming to town?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2418715 08/19/10 01:25 PM
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Ok, got it, thanks.

Anyone know of a good PI. I want to definitely find out if this guy is married and how to find his wife. My online searches are turning up nothing other than a marriage license to another woman, and it's really frustrating.


Me: BH (35)
WW (29)
DD (5)
DS (1)
D-Day: EA 8/7/10
SteveinJAX #2418720 08/19/10 01:30 PM
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BTW... got Survivng an Affair yesterday, so I am reading that this evening. I am on duty at work today so I can't go home until tomorrow afternoon.

I have my own counseling appointment tomorrow evening. I asked the counselor two questions... is she promarriage? Yes. And, is she familiar with Dr. Willard Harley? Somewhat. I told her a lot of my discussions would reach back to what Dr Harley talks about in HNHN. We'll see how that goes.


Me: BH (35)
WW (29)
DD (5)
DS (1)
D-Day: EA 8/7/10
SteveinJAX #2418734 08/19/10 02:03 PM
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One other thing. I got this from reading wheels thread.

Mel, I know you say not to unplug the internet because I need that to collect intel, but since OM is 800 miles away or so, it would be extremely difficult for her to see him, so at why not cut off her means of communication with him. She is dependent on e-mail right now to keep the EA going. I can tell her that I want her to focus on us, our family, and our marriage, and I will not allow her to continue her destructive actions by continuing to carry on her EA with the OM. I would cut off her cell phone and the internet (sacrfice I am willing to make for myself as well since I can still talk to you all from work). I would cancel long distance service on our home phone, and that should about cover it, other than snail mailing each other.

Let me know what you think of this, and if this is a plausible plan, when should I enact it?


Me: BH (35)
WW (29)
DD (5)
DS (1)
D-Day: EA 8/7/10
SteveinJAX #2418736 08/19/10 02:07 PM
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Originally Posted by SteveinJAX
Ok, got it, thanks.

Anyone know of a good PI. I want to definitely find out if this guy is married and how to find his wife. My online searches are turning up nothing other than a marriage license to another woman, and it's really frustrating.

Call the police station and ask them for a referral. They often know of good PI's.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


SteveinJAX #2418737 08/19/10 02:08 PM
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Originally Posted by SteveinJAX
Mel, I know you say not to unplug the internet because I need that to collect intel, but since OM is 800 miles away or so, it would be extremely difficult for her to see him, so at why not cut off her means of communication with him. She is dependent on e-mail right now to keep the EA going.

Can you wait one more day to see if you can get more evidence?

Also, did you read what I said about exposing to her mother? That will be a key exposure. Even if the mother is a dud it will create pressure on your wife.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


SteveinJAX #2418738 08/19/10 02:12 PM
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Originally Posted by SteveinJAX
One other thing. I got this from reading wheels thread.

Mel, I know you say not to unplug the internet because I need that to collect intel, but since OM is 800 miles away or so, it would be extremely difficult for her to see him, so at why not cut off her means of communication with him. She is dependent on e-mail right now to keep the EA going. I can tell her that I want her to focus on us, our family, and our marriage, and I will not allow her to continue her destructive actions by continuing to carry on her EA with the OM. I would cut off her cell phone and the internet (sacrfice I am willing to make for myself as well since I can still talk to you all from work). I would cancel long distance service on our home phone, and that should about cover it, other than snail mailing each other.

Let me know what you think of this, and if this is a plausible plan, when should I enact it?

This is a tough one. Does she have internet access at work? If so, she will just contact him there.

Cut off her cell phone? She will just get an affair phone (prepay cell) that you can't track. I should know, my WW got three of them.

You don't want to lose your sources of intelliegence, but you also don't want to allow this to go on under your roof. Let's see what the others think.

schtoop #2418743 08/19/10 02:28 PM
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The way I want this to play out is for you to get some real evidence of the affair and then expose the hell out of it to everyone, including the OM's side of the family. Once that happens, the affair is usually dead in the water.

At that point, you ask her to send the OM a no contact letter and stop all contact.

It would be AFTER that point that you shut down the internet if she STILL contacts the OM.

Shutting down the internet is a LAST resort not a first resort.

I am hoping for an explosive exposure.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2418756 08/19/10 02:52 PM
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Ok, I'll keep trying to collect the intel. Keylogger has been relatively quiet today.

Mel, yes I will contact her mom, but would like to contact her at the same time I am exposing OM's side as well. I don't want to keep having numerous exposures. I want the next one to be the end all be all one if you know what I mean.

Schtoop, she does not work, her only internet access is from home, or else go to library or internet cafe, but at least it's not under my roof. Completely understand about the prepay phones.

So I suppose no one knows of a PI they can recommend?


Me: BH (35)
WW (29)
DD (5)
DS (1)
D-Day: EA 8/7/10
SteveinJAX #2418765 08/19/10 03:25 PM
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Originally Posted by SteveinJAX
One other thing. I got this from reading wheels thread.

Mel, I know you say not to unplug the internet because I need that to collect intel, but since OM is 800 miles away or so, it would be extremely difficult for her to see him, so at why not cut off her means of communication with him. She is dependent on e-mail right now to keep the EA going. I can tell her that I want her to focus on us, our family, and our marriage, and I will not allow her to continue her destructive actions by continuing to carry on her EA with the OM. I would cut off her cell phone and the internet (sacrfice I am willing to make for myself as well since I can still talk to you all from work). I would cancel long distance service on our home phone, and that should about cover it, other than snail mailing each other.

Let me know what you think of this, and if this is a plausible plan, when should I enact it?

She will just get another means if you cut off the internet. She'll get a cell phone with internet, or use computers at the library, etc.

So if she wants to contact him, she will. As long as you have your intel source, you might as well capitalize on it.

Your cutting off those things will only be a temporary impediment. Waywards who want to make contact would quickly get around the internet and cell phone not working. Then your intel source goes away.

This will be a tough case. My XW's affair was with a man old enough to be her father, two states away.

Eventually she moved out to carry on her affair as it was too tough to keep it going while at home.

This is one of the hardest to kill because it's mostly fantasy, and little chance for either of them to Love Bust one another.

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Alright calling around to some PI's in my area right now, any specific questions I need to ask these guys. I have the OM's e-mail address, cell phone number for sure... they should be able to track him down and find out whether he is married and the contact info for his wife, right? I hope so... I really want to catch him and expose him. It's been eating at me for days.


Me: BH (35)
WW (29)
DD (5)
DS (1)
D-Day: EA 8/7/10
SteveinJAX #2418782 08/19/10 04:24 PM
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Originally Posted by SteveinJAX
Alright calling around to some PI's in my area right now, any specific questions I need to ask these guys. I have the OM's e-mail address, cell phone number for sure... they should be able to track him down and find out whether he is married and the contact info for his wife, right? I hope so... I really want to catch him and expose him. It's been eating at me for days.

Can you also find out where he works and the # to his work? There might be some opportunities there.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2418789 08/19/10 04:41 PM
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Yep, will do.


Me: BH (35)
WW (29)
DD (5)
DS (1)
D-Day: EA 8/7/10
SteveinJAX #2418790 08/19/10 04:46 PM
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Hey, I just ran across this piece of information. Am I setting myself up for some trouble here....


Beverly Ann O'Brien v. James Kevin O'Brien
Case No. 5D03-3484, 899 s.2d 1133 (Dist. Crt. App., Fla., February 11, 2005)
Court holds that the unauthorized use of a spyware program to capture screen shots of a husband's online communications violates Florida's Security of Communications Act, modeled after the Federal Wiretap Act, 18 U.S.C. Section 2501, et seq. An intermediate Florida appellate court accordingly affirms the trial court decision to bar the wife from introducing these screen shots into evidence in her divorce proceeding with her husband.

Without authorization of her husband, a wife installed a spyware program known as Spector on a computer he used. The program took frequent screen shots of his computer activity, and thereby captured online chat conversations, instant messages and emails sent and received by the husband, including, apparently, his private online chats with another woman. These screen shots were copied and stored in a file on the husband's computer. The trial court found the communications had been illegally intercepted in violation of the Act, and refused to admit them into evidence in the parties' divorce. The intermediate appellate court affirmed.

Florida's Security of Communications Act, Section 934.03(1)(a), makes it a crime to "intentionally intercepts � any wire, oral or electronic communication �". The statute defines "electronic communications" as "any transfer of signs, signals, writing, images, sounds, data or intelligence of any nature transmitted in whole or in part by a wire, radio, electromagnetic, photo electronic or photo optical system that affects intrastate, interstate or foreign commerce �" Section 934.02(12). The statute defines "intercept" as "the aural or other acquisition of the contents of any wire, electronic or oral communication through use of any electronic, mechanical or other device."

The Court held that the Spector spyware program "intercepted and copied the electronic communications [at issue] as they were transmitted" and thus intercepted them in violation of the Act. In reaching this result, the Court rejected the wife's argument that no interception occurred, because the communications were necessarily stored on the husband's computer before being displayed on his computer screen. Said the Court:

The Wife argues that the communications were in fact stored before acquisition because once the text image became visible on the screen, the communication was no longer in transit and, therefore, not subject to intercept. We disagree. We do not believe that this evanescent time period is sufficient to transform acquisition of the communications from a contemporaneous interception to retrieval from electronic storage.

The Court went on to uphold the trial court's refusal to admit this evidence. Said the Court:

Because the evidence was illegally obtained, we conclude the trial court did not abuse its discretion in refusing to admit it.


Me: BH (35)
WW (29)
DD (5)
DS (1)
D-Day: EA 8/7/10
SteveinJAX #2418800 08/19/10 05:18 PM
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Do you own the computer?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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