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Well no evidence on caller id on the dish network receiver... a lot or return calls from some lawyers though. She has an appointment on Thursday for a consultation.

She is now sitting down reading His Needs, Her Needs. I asked her to read it before she rushes into any decision on how to move forward.


Me: BH (35)
WW (29)
DD (5)
DS (1)
D-Day: EA 8/7/10
SteveinJAX #2419083 08/20/10 12:07 PM
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Originally Posted by SteveinJAX
Well no evidence on caller id on the dish network receiver... a lot or return calls from some lawyers though. She has an appointment on Thursday for a consultation.
But she may be calling him, right? I am not familiar with the dish network phone, is there a log of outgoing calls?

I would put a VAR somewhere in the house where she typically uses the phone. It is very unlikely that she has stopped contact...


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
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How to Plan B Correctly
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SusieQ #2419103 08/20/10 12:30 PM
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She may already have an affair phone. Look around and see if you can find it.


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Skype is a possibility as well. Does your logger tell you what ap has been run?

Affair phone is more likely. I�d get the VAR to confirm.

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Well she was definitely talking to hi so other way than e-mail. I came home early from work and it suprised her. Guess she was supposed to contact him because she later sent him an e-mail saying she was sorry, but I had come home unexpectedly. He says I figured it was something like that.

I checked the caller id on all the phones and Dish Network, and her cell phone log online and they were all clean. I don't know if the keylogger tracks applications run on the computer, but I will try it out. No microphone on the computer, so not sure how they would communicate that way.

We talked a little when I got home and she had made an appointment with a lawyer next Thursday. I got her to start reading HNHN but she easily gave up on that. Then she told me that she wasn't leaving me for someone else, she wants to be alone... which I totally do not believe. She can't make it on her own... no job, no money. Can't stay in the house because she can't afford the mortgage, and I'm certainly not paying it if I can't stay in my own home, and no I am not considering leaving my own home. I told her that if she left, she would lose another EN, Financial Security. She would have no stablility in her life and that sent her storming off mad.

I drained the joint checking account down even lower to make sure she can't use our money to pay lawyer fees.


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Originally Posted by Lady_Clueless
She may already have an affair phone. Look around and see if you can find it.
That is what I was thinking.


W (me) 44
H 43
Married 19 years
DS 17
DS 15
DD 13
DD 8
SteveinJAX #2419136 08/20/10 01:34 PM
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Originally Posted by SteveinJAX
I checked the caller id on all the phones and Dish Network, and her cell phone log online and they were all clean. I don't know if the keylogger tracks applications run on the computer, but I will try it out. No microphone on the computer, so not sure how they would communicate that way.

Search for a secret cell phone. They are cheap and easy to get. Can you install a VAR in the room she would most likely call from?

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I told her that if she left, she would lose another EN, Financial Security. She would have no stablility in her life and that sent her storming off mad.

Bravo!! Keep injecting reality into the affair!

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I drained the joint checking account down even lower to make sure she can't use our money to pay lawyer fees.

You're doing great!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2419171 08/20/10 02:44 PM
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She has an affair phone! Start snooping at night while she is asleep for her secret phone.

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Originally Posted by SapphireReturns
She has an affair phone! Start snooping at night while she is asleep for her secret phone.

Or get a jammer and hide it in your home. No more cell phone calls.



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Well, I haven't posted in several days, so I thought I would get back on here and update you.

First, things are still going down hill. PI found that OM was married and now divorced, so know OM wife to expose to. I exposed the affair to everyone, my friends, her friends, OM friends, and all that did was drive a wedge further between us. Her family wants her to leave, and she still wants to leave.

She has a consultation with an attorney on Thursday, and I have on on Friday. She has no money to file for divorce through an attorney because I have transferred it all out of our joint accounts leaving her enough money to take care of the kids. I told her I would continue to support the kids, and the bills would continue to be paid.

I am run down, sick and tired of trying to save something that she has not interest in saving. She wants to leave and I feel completely helpless to stop her now. She can't just leave because she has no job and no way to take care of herself. She is looking for a job but with her not having any experience in her field and not having worked in the last 6 years, I believe it will be extremely difficult for her to find work. So right now we are stuck. She won't leave the house because she can't afford to, and I won't leave the house for fear of perception of abandonment of the family.

I do not want to pursue a long, drawn out legal battle which will cost us both a fortune and everything I have worked so hard to save for our future. I would rather come to a mutual agreement and make it as painless for all involved as possible.

I feel like a coward for thinking about just letting her end it, but I just don't know what else to do at this point. I don't want to let her go, but I don't want to lose everything I have worked so hard for if and when she does divorce me.

One positive note, I suppose. Yesterday I spoke with a Navy Chaplain about all of this, and he wanted me to get her in to come talk to him. He is extremely promarriage. I talked to my WW last night about seeing him and while she said she already knows what he is going to say, she agreed to meet with him next week. So I am making that appointment today.

I think this is my last last effort to try to save our marriage... I just don't know what else to do.


Me: BH (35)
WW (29)
DD (5)
DS (1)
D-Day: EA 8/7/10
SteveinJAX #2420103 08/24/10 06:54 AM
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Steve, it takes much longer than this to save a marriage from an affair. You have just started! The effects of exposure have just begun to take place. Exposure infuriates the WS but it causes the affair to start crumbling. When they get over their fury, which doesn't last long, you make a soft place for her to land while the affair crumbles.

Let her go to an attorney! And let her find out that she will destitute. Let the reality sink in. Steve, it is unlikely you will ever be divorced. Your marriage has a much better chance than the affair. The affair has a 5% chance and your marriage has a 65% chance.

You need to just sit back and wait for her affair to crumble. Don't cooperate, don't let her carry on her affair conversations in the house and be as polite as possible.

Don't give up before you ever get to the battle field!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2420116 08/24/10 07:35 AM
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Melody, thanks for the kick in behind. I agree I am going to sit back and watch for now.

Still snooping for that affair phone too because she has not e-mailed him in 3 days. I know she is communicating with him via other means.

Going to hit the electronics store and pick up some voice recorders... any other devices you recommend?


Me: BH (35)
WW (29)
DD (5)
DS (1)
D-Day: EA 8/7/10
SteveinJAX #2420118 08/24/10 07:39 AM
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I apologize, I haven't read the whole thread but I noticed your last post and you sound disheartened.
It sounds like things are going as they should.

Originally Posted by SteveinJAX
First, things are still going down hill. PI found that OM was married and now divorced, so know OM wife to expose to. I exposed the affair to everyone, my friends, her friends, OM friends, and all that did was drive a wedge further between us. Her family wants her to leave, and she still wants to leave.
It may feel like exposure has driven a wedge between you, but it hasn't, really. Her anger over this is typical, it is the EXPECTED reaction.
Her secret life has been ratted out to people who are important in her life, her disgusting behaviour has been revealed.
She's peed off, again this is typical.
Ignore her reaction to this. Ignore it, ignore it and ignore it.
Behave like the man who did the right thing to save his family, cuz you did do the right thing.
I'm sure the Carrot and the Stick of Plan A have been suggested, worth reading again and again ...... it takes practice to get onto.

Not sure why her family wants her to leave???


Quote
She has a consultation with an attorney on Thursday, and I have on on Friday. She has no money to file for divorce through an attorney because I have transferred it all out of our joint accounts leaving her enough money to take care of the kids. I told her I would continue to support the kids, and the bills would continue to be paid.
So she has a consultation, big deal. She has no money, you have seen to that, good job on that one. Hopefully her family will not lend her the cash, since you wrote that they support her leaving.
You don't need to participate in convo's about D. You can hold onto the mantra that you believe in M, and you can say this to WW.
Stick to your mantra and do not get into a p*ssing match with her irrational words. It's easy to do, it's also a huge LB to her on your part. You will make the OM look like the better choice.
Your goal is to make yourself the better choice.

Quote
I am run down, sick and tired of trying to save something that she has not interest in saving. She wants to leave and I feel completely helpless to stop her now.
Of course she has no interest in saving the M, she is HIGH on OM. This is also typical at this stage of the game.
To her, it's the easy way out, easier to run to OM and live the fantasy life that she believes exists, rather than face the consequences of this A.
While you can't stop her from doing anything, you are not helpless, far from it.
You can influence the A and help to end it. You've been doing this so far.
You can make yourself to be the better choice, make the M a safe place to come back to.
Review Plan A.

Quote
I feel like a coward for thinking about just letting her end it, but I just don't know what else to do at this point. I don't want to let her go, but I don't want to lose everything I have worked so hard for if and when she does divorce me.
You're giving up before the battle is over.
Until NC with OM is in place, WW cannot go through withdrawl from her addiction to OM and that fantasy life.
Breaking up the A is a key turning point.
Have you found that secret phone yet?

Quote
One positive note, I suppose. Yesterday I spoke with a Navy Chaplain about all of this, and he wanted me to get her in to come talk to him. He is extremely promarriage. I talked to my WW last night about seeing him and while she said she already knows what he is going to say, she agreed to meet with him next week. So I am making that appointment today.
This is good.
It wouldn't surprise me if she cancelled or couldn't make the appt., at the last minute.
Don't argue this if it happens.
You can let her know that you are hurt and disappointed, and leave it at that.

Quote
I think this is my last last effort to try to save our marriage... I just don't know what else to do.
You've just begun, it's a hard and painful battle.
Stick to the plans laid out.
You can do this. We BS's are a strong bunch!

It is possible to get through this and have a stronger M than before. smile


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


SteveinJAX #2420120 08/24/10 07:44 AM
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Originally Posted by SteveinJAX
Still snooping for that affair phone too because she has not e-mailed him in 3 days. I know she is communicating with him via other means.
I remember searching for the A phone too, made me crazy.
If only there was a sensor to detect such a thing as you wander around the house, you know like a stud finder!


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


Vittoria #2420124 08/24/10 07:55 AM
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Yeah I wish there was such a device. Thanks again for the enouraging words.


Me: BH (35)
WW (29)
DD (5)
DS (1)
D-Day: EA 8/7/10
SteveinJAX #2420130 08/24/10 08:02 AM
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Search her car carefully. The car is a favorite place to both talk to OM and to hide the affair phone.

Vittoria #2420136 08/24/10 08:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Vittoria
I apologize, I haven't read the whole thread but I noticed your last post and you sound disheartened.
It sounds like things are going as they should.

Originally Posted by SteveinJAX
First, things are still going down hill. PI found that OM was married and now divorced, so know OM wife to expose to. I exposed the affair to everyone, my friends, her friends, OM friends, and all that did was drive a wedge further between us. Her family wants her to leave, and she still wants to leave.
It may feel like exposure has driven a wedge between you, but it hasn't, really. Her anger over this is typical, it is the EXPECTED reaction.
Her secret life has been ratted out to people who are important in her life, her disgusting behaviour has been revealed.
She's peed off, again this is typical.
Ignore her reaction to this. Ignore it, ignore it and ignore it.
Behave like the man who did the right thing to save his family, cuz you did do the right thing.
I'm sure the Carrot and the Stick of Plan A have been suggested, worth reading again and again ...... it takes practice to get onto.

Not sure why her family wants her to leave???


Quote
She has a consultation with an attorney on Thursday, and I have on on Friday. She has no money to file for divorce through an attorney because I have transferred it all out of our joint accounts leaving her enough money to take care of the kids. I told her I would continue to support the kids, and the bills would continue to be paid.
So she has a consultation, big deal. She has no money, you have seen to that, good job on that one. Hopefully her family will not lend her the cash, since you wrote that they support her leaving.
You don't need to participate in convo's about D. You can hold onto the mantra that you believe in M, and you can say this to WW.
Stick to your mantra and do not get into a p*ssing match with her irrational words. It's easy to do, it's also a huge LB to her on your part. You will make the OM look like the better choice.
Your goal is to make yourself the better choice.

Quote
I am run down, sick and tired of trying to save something that she has not interest in saving. She wants to leave and I feel completely helpless to stop her now.
Of course she has no interest in saving the M, she is HIGH on OM. This is also typical at this stage of the game.
To her, it's the easy way out, easier to run to OM and live the fantasy life that she believes exists, rather than face the consequences of this A.
While you can't stop her from doing anything, you are not helpless, far from it.
You can influence the A and help to end it. You've been doing this so far.
You can make yourself to be the better choice, make the M a safe place to come back to.
Review Plan A.

Quote
I feel like a coward for thinking about just letting her end it, but I just don't know what else to do at this point. I don't want to let her go, but I don't want to lose everything I have worked so hard for if and when she does divorce me.
You're giving up before the battle is over.
Until NC with OM is in place, WW cannot go through withdrawl from her addiction to OM and that fantasy life.
Breaking up the A is a key turning point.
Have you found that secret phone yet?

Quote
One positive note, I suppose. Yesterday I spoke with a Navy Chaplain about all of this, and he wanted me to get her in to come talk to him. He is extremely promarriage. I talked to my WW last night about seeing him and while she said she already knows what he is going to say, she agreed to meet with him next week. So I am making that appointment today.
This is good.
It wouldn't surprise me if she cancelled or couldn't make the appt., at the last minute.
Don't argue this if it happens.
You can let her know that you are hurt and disappointed, and leave it at that.

Quote
I think this is my last last effort to try to save our marriage... I just don't know what else to do.
You've just begun, it's a hard and painful battle.
Stick to the plans laid out.
You can do this. We BS's are a strong bunch!

It is possible to get through this and have a stronger M than before. smile

Vittoria put it in words much better than I could. I just wanted to let you know that this is a very normal thing, and it gives you the upper hand. Do not feel like you lost anything. What you did is gain control of the marriage. You have all the time to decide what to do, you can sit on your hands and let her go bonkers.

I am concerned that her family wants her to leave. I do not see this often, probably because WW has told them how much you emotionally abuse her, and that she is in an unhappy marriage and this exposure is proof of all this. It is a very common script among WS, this is why exposure needs to be done soon with great force so this type of rebuttle doesn't sink in with the WS family and friends. (not pointing fingers at you, just lurkers that may not want to expose in time. You did fine)

What really helps is to Plan A and let the whole world especially your wife and her family see the perfect man. Let her know that you are willing to fight for your marriage, and you have all the time in the world.

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Thanks, Wheels. Think I am going to lay back for awhile and see what happens. I am going to focus on finding that affair phone though. That is bugging the crap out of me.


Me: BH (35)
WW (29)
DD (5)
DS (1)
D-Day: EA 8/7/10
SteveinJAX #2420146 08/24/10 08:29 AM
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Find it and destroy it, let her know that you will not tolerate this affair.

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I'm going to disagree with Sapphire here on the destroying it part. I agree that if you can find it she should be confronted with it, but destroying it will not be a Plan A moment.

In fact, angry destruction of the phone will feed the "crazy jealous husband" picture she is painting for people that is the likely cause of her folks supporting her leaving you.

The answer to this dilemma is to SHOW people your true intent by loving actions (Plan A stuff like following POJA on daily stuff, demonstrating that you have a plan and are not just reacting out of spite and anger etc) and by repeating the mantra that you are doing what you believe in by fighting for your family.

JMO.

Mark

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