Marital,
I agree he shouldn't enable her IB but his wife has left because of years of neglect - major LB from RR. He's walking a fine line with her right now and it can tilt either way. The wife is not ready to deal with her issues of independent behavior, at least not now. This is just my opinion of course

Gg

GG, and Marital,

I agree about enabling her IB. But totally agree, i have LB so bad for a very long time and feel like i am on a Tightrope daily. I did not get a strategy from Dr. Harley for this, so no idea how to handle it. She is not willing to discuss anything about IB, and is dredging up past anger from past instances (always while crying though hard) the crying causes an instant Migraine as well. (does this fall into LB? )

Some direction on this issue would be Fantastic...I am not giving her much money right now. Never more than $40 at any given time.

Ideas would be well recieved under the RR roof right now. I have done a ton of investigation last few days. No A going on that i can see.

Thanks
RR

What has been investigated?? Did I miss that part?

RR, have you been able to check her email/FB accounts? Have you checked her cell records? Have you placed a GPS or VAR in the car?

Susie,
Have checked out thoroughly. She is driving one of her parents cars no way to place on either. It would have been, and continues to be utterly impossible IMHO. Not being blinded in the Dark here, just 99% sure there is NO A going on. I currently have only Car. I know some here belive its A, under circumstances just have a hard time thinking that is even remotely possible.

Thanks RR

@marital -

Need your take on this. Should he expose to family and friends that he is separated from his wife and that he is fighting for his marriage?

I think this might do two things. One it might keep her from rewriting their breakup.

Two, if their is an OM somebody might know and be willing to clue him in. Also she wont be able to rewrite that he was willing to let her go and be with OM.

RR, this is VERY vague. What have you checked (email, phone, FB what?)? When did you check? Have you checked regularly? We need you to be specific.

DUDE. Be 197% sure. 99% ain't chit. Trust me, if she is cheating, it WILL be in this little pretend, fantasy, 1% gap of yours. Absolutely WILL.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand, then keep doing what you've been doing. And no, don't enable her IB. If she wants anything from you, she needs to commit to being with you.

You don't pay the checker girl at the grocery store to exist, do you?

Right, so why would you do that for her?

Susie,
i am very nervous about exposing methodolgy and details here, in case it is located by Wife. I will say, that i am 99% sure there is absolutely no OM at this time or A going on. The 1% is such a small window of opportunity, that its almost non existent. I hope you can appreciate, but i am a very very Savy Internet Marketing Consultant and know my way around the Internet way better than Most. Hope this helps, and please, if i offended you in any way, i am sorry, was not my intention.

Thanks for all your input, advice and Help
RR

Clark, this is some good insight, i have told 1 of my good friends, my parents, and the one friend today. They all know i am Using MB principals, changing behavior and wanting to save my marriage. I have not said a word to her parents at all. We are not close. As of today, she has not even told them i have a new house 7 blocks away from them and thats been 3 weeks. She is a very private person, and apparently is keeping it that way at this point.
I am so curious to see what MaritalBliss has to say on this.



HeadHeldHigh,
no i wouldnt pay the checker girl, she is not asking me for money at all. I have offered about $40 each week, nothing more, enough for smokes and whatever. Remember, she has no income (other than what parents are giving her)living in a Camp Trailer in back of parents for privacy, no car / unless she borrows parents, shes pretty much up the creek. Since i am on fine line. So figuring the 40 shows good faith, but not enough to enable her IB, i could easily be wrong though. She has so much pride, she wont ask for money no matter what, she even offered to give me back the 2 plus carat ring a few days ago.

Any more insight is good. Today i am at peace for the first time in 3 weeks. It feels pretty darn good.

Warmest Regards,
RR

No worries ~ you didn't offend me...

The only thing I can say is that the reason I am pushing to make sure you check everything out is...I was so completely close-minded to the possibility of an A that I missed the evidence that was right under my nose. Same thing happened to my sister. Same thing happens here on the boards all the time.

Anyway, one other thing, if she has a cell, I hope you are checking the records and blocking your phone and calling any unknown #s and investigating anything suspicious. We have had people here have FB affairs, text affairs, without even ever seeing the person, etc. It doesn't matter if she doesn't have a car. Good luck!

RR, there are common methods that can be used to confirm an A. And you don't have access to them! You say you can't do anything with her folks' car. You don't have access to her computer. You don't have access to her phone. You don't know where she goes when she's not behind her parents' house.

It would be difficult to confirm an A or lack of one since you have no access to your W.

No, I wouldn't do this just yet. At least not in the sense of "Exposure" as we define it here. He has no evidence of an A, but making a lot of exposure noise to the tune of fighting for his marriage will tip his hand that he's actively trying to save his M. If there is an A it may make it more difficult to uncover.

I hope you're right about the 'no-affair' thing, RR. Because you risk a lot if you haven't absolutely confirmed this 110%. We've had posters on this site who argued with us for months, and then finally tried one snooping thing we suggested - and busted their spouse's A. They wasted months arguing with us.

But sure, RR, talk with helpful family members for advice on how to work through hard times in a marriage. You may get some useful advice.
What have you read on this site?

Is there an opportunity to turn this around to your benefit? Is this an oppty to improve relationship? Would her parents be open to hearing you out, just like you explained to the friend, about how you are working on yourself and have hope to save the marriage. Or are her parents closed minded? What type of relationship do her parents have as husband and wife? It would be great if you can get her parents on board to support you in saving the marriage. As a parent I would be worried if I had a 40 year old dauther who keeps returning and has no means of supporting herself. I would question what would happen when I'm not around anymore.

Something else to consider...
There was another guy who posted here about his walk out wife - no matter what he tried, the wife always had a reason for not returning and she would always go back to past incidents even from 10 years prior. It ended up the wife was in a depression and needed medical help. Your wife is 40 - has she been to a doctor and had physical - 40 and beyond bring a lot of hormonal changes to females.

Gg

@Maritalbliss-Talking to family members is a bust. I have one close friend that is very aware whats going on, and is my backend support. He knows i am committed. My parents, are just like well, i guess thats what happens, Very passive.

Based on conversations with Wife, her parents really know nothing at this point since she moved in with them. She hides outback most of the day in camper working on Internet Blog Business. Rarely leaves the house, they still dont know i have moved, and the 2 kids do not know i have moved or that she wants a divorce. All they know she has taken off her ring. She claims she is a private person, and does not want people knowing her business. (I think this is an excuse to push most of the blame on me and Validate her Walk Out, and her IB)

I have read, EN and LB Needs and Questionaires, MB Concepts, Book his needs her needs, Can one spouse save marriage, have read these ones about 8 times each. I am now reading them all every other day, as part of my 3 hours of studying and practicing. Also i had Appt with Dr. Harley on wednesday this week. Also read Divorce Remedey, and Dr. Phil Relationship rescue, did not like either one, the MB principals solid all the way around. I went through all the documentation i could find, on MB homepage, each letter, all of DR. Harleys writings..



Her parents are pretty old fashioned and close minded. They know i have used manipulation and verbal nice guy in the past. I think they would just see it as talk and hollow words. It could go either way (my guess they would love to see me gone, they blame me for the financial problems, yet loved me when we were making 300k a year Five Years ago.) I would run the risk of probably blowing her right out of the water now for talking to them IMHO.

Her parents married 36 years. Relationship is one of existence, definately not healthy. Mom is constantly yipping and yipping at husband about every little thing. In 10 years i have rarely seen a few hours go by without her nagging.

The only problem I see is that you are filling your day up with Relationship. If all you do is Relationship, then all you will be able talk about is relationship. Include other things in your life so that you have other things to talk about.

Right now you are in Plan A. Cool it on the Relationship talk with wife. Talking the talk is great, but now you need to walk the walk. One way to work on the walk is to use MB on other people.

Clark,
thanks for the Input sir... Actually started that this morning believe it or not. Your re-enforcement just made it easier.

Wife started NC yesterday with me saying 1-8 weeks and she would call. I know under MB thats not good for me, as it allows for no Love Bank Deposits, however in the meantime, i am working on myself, and practicing MB principals with others. No texting, calls, email, or in person, or snail mail. I know i am suppose to respect her boundaries and wishes, this is going to be hard, as i know what damage its causing, not helping.

I am pleasntly surprised how easy some of it truly is once you understand. The hardest thing for me, is the Speculation, will she come to her senses or wont she.

Last night was the first night of Peace and Tranquility i have had in weeks, and it felt fantastic. Heart hurts for Marriage and Wife, but peace is pretty soothing. Finally able to quit playing the Coulda, Shouda, Woulda tapes in my head yesterday for the first time.

Thanks again Clark, for your kind words and insight...I am always listening. (This was a huge LB for me, Listening)

RR

Happy New Year to All, thanks for the support, kind words and help.

I just watched the Movie "FIREPROOF" at home by myself, probably the best thing i have done in Years. If you havent watched it yet. Uplifting, creates Hope, makes you think, and most importantly, Explains, "NEVER GIVE UP..." I loved this movie. I would normally never watch this kind of thing, now its so easy. THANK YOU MB and POSTERS

RR

That's not a 1% gap. That's the grand canyon.

HeadHeldHigh,
what are you saying? This case is Hopeless, and i should just let it go? Grand Canyon, what would you have me do, i know you are well aware of the situation from the beginning of thread.

The last time i spoke to her was yesterday at 4pm my time, she requested NO CONTACT. This has been a tough night, first New Years in 11 1/2 years without her. I am quite sad, and it took every ounce of my Being to Respect her, and not TEXT!!! 1 1/2 days of NC seems like at Eternity.

So many people, are just saying, Quit, throw in the Towel, Move on, shes left you. For me its not that easy.... I wish it were, i am just hoping for a flicker of light to come on in her head...that allows me a small window of opportunity to Prove my Love for her... I will Not Give up on her, til the last ounce of Fight is gone. Being apart, then NO CONTACT, My chances seem to keep shrinking. I dunno.. If i chase her, I will surely lose that way for sure, by not respecting her wishes.

The good things are, i have taken accoutability with my own actions and myself. I realize i made so many mistakes its a wonder she stayed around this long. I do believe everything happens for a reason. I have another Friend thats marriage is entering crisis mode, but both are willing to work on it. I have introduced them to MB, and they are both partaking after just one week. So even if i fail, due to my own behavior and actions in my Marraige. Something good always comes about, and right now, i am working my Butt off to become the very best Possible Husband I can. Thats what i look forward to every day, working on me, to save my marriage, and make me a better person.

If i don't, what little connection we have, that had a chance of Blossoming will Wilt away.

Tonight...I am in the Fight, but feeling Hopeless, even with a great Plan with Dr. Harley...

RR

I'm pretty sure that HHH is flagging what a lot of us have been telling you: these are very strong indicators of affairs.