What I am saying, is that you need to pull your head out of your butt, kick yourself out of this pity-party, and fully confirm to the nth degree that there is no affair.

Maybe you are thinking the wrong way about what an affair actually is.

Why do you avoid the prospect so profusely?

In all honesty, if you found out she was seeking the time and attention of another man, would it be over? Would you still want to recover? Is THAT why you keep denying it?

What the grand canyon is, is that she LIVES on the internet - which is open and rife with opportunity for an affair to develop.

LONG before social network sites blew up, affairs were blossoming over simple e-mail and chatrooms.

This "time to sort things out" crap, and the amount of time indicated, is probably the time needed for a face-to-face with an AP she has been interacting with online and/or otherwise.

She'll "sort it out" by getting a good boffing, and then comparing you and the OP.

The best support you have had that she isn't having an affair, came from a poster WHO HAD AN AFFAIR HERSELF YEARS AGO, AND HASN'T EVEN COME CLEAN WITH HER OWN HUSBAND.

Dude, wake up.

If you want to fight, KNOW what you are fighting.

@headheldhigh

I understand what your saying, I have no way at this point to run that down...an Affair. EA wouldnt surprise me right now, but for the most part, as i do know, She does not leave parents house, and has been gone very little since she left me.

I have no access to her phone or computer, so not sure what i should do. She has no car, but borrows parents on occassion.

This No Contact business at her request is tough. But apparently all the other programs besides MB suggest THE NO CONTACT BY ME. (i feel screwed) all i can do now is schedule another appt with Dr. Harley for Thurs this week, and see what he thinks about where we are at. It just blows my mind she can be at the new house with me, and still want out. Last time i saw her was on Tuesday Last week.

Looking for ideas...

Thanks

Man up! You know where she is, show up! With flowers!

Your every word and action must say; I WILL NOT LET THIS END THIS WAY, AND I WILL BE THE MAN YOU DREAM OF FROM THIS DAY FORWARD!

Arm yourself with the concepts here, and live them!

HeadHeldHigh,

I would love to show up with flowers, QUESTION, is that not a HUGE LB, when she has asked for NC from me for 1 to 2 weeks. So far just finishing up the 4th day today.

I need to show affection and build trust, but in the past, up until wed, all i did was discuss Relationship and MB. Next phase is work, kids, hobbies, and No Relationship Talk.

I know now from Dr. Harley the biggest challege is trust. For her, she has told no one really whats up.

I just dont want to do a Drive by, and have that fall into an LB, using Disrectful Judgements. She commented on teh LB questionaire and i QUOTE "He is a Master at all 4" and i have been working my butt off on getting MB education.

Thanks for your Insight
CherishHer

Could you have flowers delivered to her? Or leave a rose on her car seat? An affectionate gesture to show you're thinking of her.

If she contacts you upset, apologize and let her know you will wait until the time limit is up.


Hmmm I like the idea of a single rose, personally, romantic and simple- no pressure from dealing with a delivery man.

Thanks for the valuable input. I decided at this point, to respect her for her No Contact request. In the meantime i am scheduling another apptointment with Dr. Harley This week, and see what the next steps are.

Just finishing Day 5 No Contact, longest we have ever gone in 11 1/2 years without talking at least on the phone. Its tough, the will to go see her is strong. I just think if i do that, i LB with a Disrepectful Judgement.


Writing in my Journal off and on throught the day, every day, it helps, but its causing a lot of dreams about her at night. She has her ring off now, i dremed last night she had it on and was lying next to me. Emotions and Brain thoughts are wild, confusing, and crazy at times.

Thanks to everyone...your support is Amazing.

Cherish Her

You are in a dark crisis point in your life. Its a valley that can seem like a failure and scary. Dr Harley presents a path that helps us or assures us even in darkness growth can happen. Its like the path we were on had a tether and it was based on early learned behaviors no longer working for us. I know this may sound odd, but take these images/dreams and all the feelings you are feeling and take it all in. Try to notice everything or be very present. Its a great idea to write in a journal. Get a massage. Go exercise each day. Clear your mind. You may need to see a doctor if you get depressed or become overly anxious and sick.

Anyway, then pretty soon you might feel like you can see a new future and new ways to manage your relationship with your wife. You know you can't go back to participating in your relationship as before as it leads to a dead end and more darkness. At this point its hard to know if what folks here are saying to do is relevent or even realistic. It might also be your own view of the past that is restricting you. And you know your wifes viewpoint also might be restricting you and opening up other choices.

I found out we learn 50 % of our "patterns" in the first 8 years of life. Then we learn 45% more of our "patterns" by 18 years old. So that only leaves us 5% of our patterns to be learned the rest of our lives. Therefore we all have 8 year old in us often running our lives! I love that. But now we use the 5% we have to take in new very powerful stuff to override our 8 years old with Dr Harleys program. Ha.

Certainly you have made huge strides like so many of us who come here really annoyed with their 8 year old selves. (I hope you take this with the humor intended.) What a difference this program is making in my life. I seriously appreciated your encouragements and I am so sorry this past weekend was such a crush. I'm glad you enjoyed Fireproof Marriage, its a good visual affirmation. I'd watched it with my husband and at the time he was walled off, at least to me directly.

We did have a lovely New Years weekend with good conversation. I'm coming to terms with how the MB program causes my husbands status quo or familiar to be threatened and he then pulls back. He adds love bank deposits and quickly withdraws and shakes me up. Last night I threw out a concrete and I believe reasonable goal after reading a note from a member here (and after I've read this from Dr Harley several times here too) I suppose the whole New Years resolution thing gets to me.

Anyway, we both decided to enter the MB program to re-develop romantic love almost one year ago. But my husband resisted it overtly and covertly for several months. He would argue he's not resisting it these days but he's still passively resisting it. Its a control thing. Its keeping us stuck. We've got a couple of serious obstacles.

Here is a visual of these obstacles: We're on a river with a heavy current after a storm. My husband is trapped on a separate floatation device, a barge. So I have to float in circles near his "barge" while he tediously putters around. I can see from my view where he's stuck on this barge. I've suggested to him how he could get unstuck (and so have others) but that would require a new less familiar way or giving me a voice. Meanwhile my floating device is breaking down--- badly. I'm grabbing onto whatever I can to keep myself patiently floating around but adding to my device which seems frail in comparison to the barge. Others come on to the scene and only see whats going on at that moment and suggest I remain patient as my husband seems very professional and capable and he's deceptively helpful and charming to them. I get this feeling and fear for my own obliteration--- of my voice and my physical existance. I have a sense of urgency to get help and am not sure I should depend on my husband anymore. That's the result of independent behavior and indifference and the fears I developed. Still, I have come to understand this current we are in (MB) and the log jam is still breaking up and we'll soon be on our way.

Anyway, I have this goal that when we complete our construction later this month we surpass the 15 hours UA goal and up it to at least 25 hours as this is the amount of time to reach romantic love over a 5 to 8 weeks period. We have come along way in how we operate and I'd like to go to the next level. I'd like to be well on our way to reaching romantic love by the time we go on vacation in March. I'd like to eliminate the obstacles that don't make the best use of the time we do have together. I realize I'm only 50% of the equation and would need his cooperation and I asked for this. He agreed as this was our intention in the first place. I think its going to be like going on a diet. You can't eat the same way if your going to lose weight. Anyway, this is my new vision.

Graceful,
First off, Congrats on getting your H to engage in MB with you, and it sounds like your on a great path to Romance. Thank you for taking the time to share your story with me, and giving so much detail. It's inspiring to say the least. I am doing my best to hang in there based on the fact Dr. Harley says, Emotions are variables and can Change.

The biggest struggle, is knowing she is 7 blocks away, and i am so dialed in to my MB education, Just ordered the Home Study Course today, and am Determined to become the very best possible husband. She derserves that Love and Care. I can only hope at some point, she opens up the door just a little crack to let me start.

Right now, she has requested some time as you know, and asked for No Contact. Its impossible to make any kind of a Deposit with No Contact. Day 6 is coming to a close today, and I love the education i am getting, but am so Sad at my past behaviors. If i had only Known?

I continually hope each and every day, she will just give me a sliver of opportunity to show her. Eeryone around me is recognizing the Huge Changes, and they are consistent.

No angry outbursts for 7 weeks.
Only Cussed one time in 6 weeks.
And am so Cognicant of all my LBing behavior, that i am practicing it on everyone i talk to. I want these to become strong Long Term Habits and Behaviors.

Thanks again for sharing, that post, just allows me to keep hanging in there, and gives hope she will give me a Sliver of Chance.

By the way, Please keep working hard on your MB with H, you guys are going to be in a pattern of Loveful Bliss i have no doubt before your Vacation. Then Hit the Romantic stage and off you go. Best Wishes...

Warmest Regards,
Cherish Her

Hi Cheri,
I think you did the right thing respecting her wishes, showing her you can control yourself. You have to show her you can be different than before - that is what will help her start to build her trust over time. I would not go two weeks without contact. I don't see a problem with you making contact, either sending a card, flowers or something to show you're thinking of her. When you first dated what were some of the things you did that she enjoyed?

gg

Miss GG,
thanks for the support. Its not easy to control, but getting easier, and i know its about enforcing habitual behavior on MB principals.

She loves Flowers an in years gone by i would bring some home every couple of weeks, Hand Made Cards, Good Wine,she loves the little magazines like Star,Enquire <--- the junk ones for entertainment, Chocolate, Snack Candy and Art. She also loves the casino's for gambling nights, but that is 2 1/2 hours away and require overnight committment on her part.

I actually sent a text 2nite in regards to Cell Phone bills, and got a response, and we had a text conversation. I kept it all about Business, and was able to plug in Financial Accoutability and Stability, which is all part of MB for me. Got an intersting response, that alluded too, i cant do that, but if you pay the bill i will be grateful, if not i will Try to Understand. And as we work through everything well just wait and see what happens. (this was in regards to her keeping the account in her name for now, and not giving me the password to pay the bill online) It was like she was saying, perhaps we can work these things out, and then you can have it.


The way that came out, it was like either, i have been thinking about working things out with you and see what happens, or as we work things out and go our separte ways. It was almost like a PooP test, to see if i was going to use DISREPECTFUL JUDGEMENTS by telling her exactly why i needed the password, and if she wouldnt give it to me, she could pay the bill herself. That would have been my old behavior and it was nice at how easy it was.

Very confused after the Text Conversation. No more than 2 weeks, so now that i texted, am i in another 2 week holding pattern?

Thanx Cherish Her

@CherishHer -

Remember no relationship talk.

I think it might be okay to start romancing. But let's let others give their input.

You gave me a cool idea.

1. Flowers
2. Wine
3. Magazines
4. Chocolate
5. Snack Candy
6. Art
7. Casino

Now you text her "Pick a number between 1-5" this week. Whatever number she texts back you get for her.

After you've Plan Aed enough. Then add six and seven.

Clark,
now your awesome, brother that is a great Idea, and Once a week is enough you think for now? That would give me something too look forward too each week as well.

She actually saw me driving down the road early this morning, i didnt see her at all. I get a text 2 mins later.

Text says - Your up Early (From Wife)

all i responded with was (Good Morning, How do u know i am Up?)

Wife Text back -(You passed me going down ***** rd)

Next text from Wife - i didnt respond (Anyway, didnt mean to bother you, just surprised to see you up and at it this early)

Me Text- Sorry I missed you, been up this early every day. Hows work going and D1/D2 doing?

That was extenet of it, couple more chit chat exchanges, thats the first contact in 6 days with her in any way, shape or form. Trying to Respect the No Contact.

Clark, i love your idea, i want to put some more thought into it, and try to come up with a few ideas to implement with that.
1 or 2 times a week would be my Question...

Kindest Regards,
Cherish Her

Sounds like withdrawal. She texted to get her "fix."

She's insisting no contact from YOU, leaving you hurting and writhing, but - well, hey, if she feels like it, it's totally ok.

Or maybe she WANTS you to fight for contact.

Maybe if you don't respond the way she wants when she initiates contact, then she'll hold it against you.

Chin up, smile, live your life. Be pleasant when she breaks her own no contact rule, but don't be clingy or desperate. You did that well bud.

Head Held High,
thank you for the support and kind words. It felt right, and i am discussing nothing on Relationship.

Totally agree, if i fight for contact i think i LB Badly.

If i dont respond, she is definately going to hold it against me. Either way, makes for tough choices.

Thanks, definately keeping chin up tody, happy to be alive, and no way i am going down clingy or Desperate. Great input, btw, i did text her pick a # between 1 and 7, just dropped off a very small package, all fun, No Romantic anything in it, with a Card, congrats on her Work Achievement,she just hit a Career Milestone.

Warmest Regards,
Cherish Her

Today has been pretty cool, for the first time in years, over the last 2 weeks, have really refrained from putting expectations on anyone. I realize now how much i did it before, and the more i release this, the easier things get.

Wife has texted me a bunch today, i sent the last text hours ago, she didnt respond at all. At first i was aggravated, then realized i am putting expectations on her behavior rather than not worrying about it. As soon as i realized this, i was off to make dinner, had a great meal, relaxing now in front of the T.V. and studying the MB concepts and Program.

Days like today, make all the hard work so worth it. Thanks to MB Concepts , Dr. Harley and all the Posters, very much appreciated today. And i am exercising big big patience, which is really nice.

Cherish Her

There's a saying (I don't remember who said it) "you don't know better until you know better" or something to that effect.

Self awareness is a wonderful thing friend, it makes our life journey so much more interesting.

Gg

Awesome.

I know you read my little language breakdown on "expectations."

To be honest, I can't exactly say that it's by-the-book - but I really do believe that expectations lead us down a path to LB's.

Goals give us something to strive for in ourselves. Versus an unmet expectation, when we don't meet a goal, we can take that failure as a lesson, adjust, and further strive toward our goals.

How do we meet goals?

Update: Thursday.... ***** HELP HELP NOW WHAT *****

Wife texted me yesterday, we chatted off and on all day via text. She is avoiding any real In depth personal questions, like what did D1 decide to do, move,switch jobs, switch colleges. I am ok with this at this point, she intitated all.

I asked her out for tonight early yestready around 11am. She never replyied to the question, rather answers a lot of my questions with questions. At 10:30 she says we can Talk about when we get together 2morrow night. I am like OH... she is suppose to call me today.

DO you have any Ideas...?

Thanks
Cherish Her

Have a romantic, pleasant evening, and avoid relationship talk?

If she brings it up, state "I really do want to talk about this, but how about tonight we just enjoy each others company, and have a good time?"

Good luck Cherish. I think just be happy and upbeat when you two are together. Try and talk a lot about her and what interests her. Steer clear of seeking answers. She may not be ready to tell you anything positive. My H does not ask about me either but engages in good conversation if I talk about him, his interests, job, etc...The person who left is trying to separate emotionally and we are the ones trying to reconnect so make as much conversation about her as you can.

I see my H all the time even though we are separated because we have 2 kids. We get along great but find it blows up in my face if I ask him to try or to talk. Once together we are good and can play board games or go to a restaurant. So please don't make that mistake. People who leave need the control. It is part of why they left....boy, I wish I was better at doing what I say.

Again, good luck!