There is one thing missing off your list that is important to your wife - if you return to old behavior, how are you going to stop yourself?

I agree with Vib on anonymity.

Don't read into it - you're only going to make yourself troubled over something you don't know for sure.

Click on notify moderator and have your thread moved to surviving affair forum.

You being in marketing - did you help her with her business?

Stay calm so you can think clearly.


Gg

Desperate for some Help and Input or Insight here....I am Exercising Kindness and Patience no matter what.

I had asked W to go to a very romantic christmas light tour yesterday, for the date to be tonight. We agreed that she would let me know by 3pm. I am been in the dumps for hours, at 2:59 i get a text. You around? So i called her.

She agreed to go tonight, her only comment, That seems awfully Romantic, and i am not sure how comfortable i am with that, but i will go.

I am excited as i can work on meeting her EN's some more, and avoiding LB's and Relationship talk. I was actually shocked and felt like i would be going by myself. Hence why i was so down and depressed again.

I am trying really hard to Exercise Patience and Kindness with everyone and everything daily. Had i just been more patient, i wouldnt have been worrying all afternoon.

UPDATE: 4:27pm Got a TEXT from Wife that SAID - Ok, this is why I'm worried about going tonight. It seems like a "DATE" is it?

I asked for permission to call her, she agreed, i called, and told her it was nothing more than her and i being able so spend some time together. (Not sure what else i could say here, or whats going on in her head, Would love some thoughts or INPUT) She has agreed to go, but would not give me a definate time, so i didnt push it, i told her i would eat and shower, and to call me. (Still wondering if she is going to back out at the very last minute...Now i am very very Nervous) What else could i have done here BETTER? I did ask her if there was something else she would like to do, she said not really. I may have pushed a little bit at the end, i think this UA time is very very important right now.

So 2nite we will see how this goes if she keeps the date, and she does have an appt with DR. Harley on Tuesday, and i have not brought the appt up at all. I know she got the email from Dr.H office. Exercising Patience and Kindness.
Cherish Her

I wouldn't bring up the magazine article.

@maritalbliss, good idea, figured i would let that arcticle slide. Also do you have any ideas as to what i should do, am i trying to get to Much UA time with her at twice a week right now?

Your thoughts, on my last post above..

At times i feel like i am so close to her coming around, then others, a mile away.

Thank you for your insight..

Cherish Her

My thoughts? No relationship talk. Don't bring up the magazine - don't even 'fish' about it, like "So, read any good magazine articles lately?" KWIM?

Your goal is to engage her in an enjoyable evening. You want her to leave you after the (non)date with a warm feeling toward you.

Don't get all sugary, though. She'll be looking for you to be over the top with your niceness and will mentally use it against you.

GG,
wow i had not even considered what to do if the old Behavior started to rear its head. (Perhaps, give her the ability to say its time to Get an Appt with steve, or dang it..i am at a loss for ideas. I will have to think on that one..)it never occured to me.

She always helped me in business, when she started this website dedicated to the outdoors, i knew it was going to be big, and wanted to give her space, and not take over like i normally would. Since its inception 3 months ago, i have done one thing right. I never took over, and only offered insight to it when she asked.

Trying to stay calm is so much easier said than done. I am trying to hard to Exercise Kindness and Patience with her, and with everyone around me.

If you have ideas that i could place on the Sheet in regards to behavioral patter change, i would love to hear them.

Thanks
Cherish Her

Does this also mean, no rubbing her leg, or giving her massage, or any kind of Physical affection to fill her LOVE BANK WITH? Affection was her #1 EN..

Thanks again, i feel like a School Boy all over again, in regards to whats acceptable and whats not.

I am not even sure she is going to follow through with it at this point... sounds like she would rather go buy a movie and watch it here...or something that does not feel Romantic in any way like a beautiful lights.

Thank you so much

Cherish Her

My wife and I agreed on a code word for her to say that would snap me out of my old rotten behavior - "Pscyho Steve". My name is not Steve.

Psycho Steve is the abusive OCD husband of one of my wifes best friends. I never ever want to be like him and don't want to be compared to him.

We started this last summer when I was still becoming aware of how I had been treating my wife for the last few years. She keeps it in reserve and let's it fly when I'm being an [censored]. It grabs my attention and then I go for a walk to think about my actions and clear my head. Then when I get back we discuss calmly.

It's a long road to recovery. Stay focused without being hyper focused. Keep busy and do stuff for you too. It's hard to stay away.

Take your cue from her on affectionate gestures.

Don't short-sell an evening at home with a movie All kinds of good things can come from that.

Monday update, trying weekend. W is suppose to have Appt with Dr. Harley, 2morrow, when she went to look at follow up email last night, she wants to cancel because of the cost, and shes broke. She claims i am broke, yet you can spend 200.00 on a measly 50 minute phone call. (Does not see the Value)

I have maintained calm voice, kindness and paitence for weeks, without anything negative and no AO for 8 weeks. I simply told her...

That i trust you to make the best decision for you, if you feel there is something in our marriage worth salvaging i would say keep appt, if your doing it out of Guilt or to appease me, then dont do it, ultimately the decision and choice is yours, and i trust you to make the right choice for you.

She told me over weekend, that her parents and family dislike me, and she has told them all weeks ago, its over and we are naver working it out. At this point, she does tell me, if we did get through things for some reason, they would respect her decision to work it out. But family and friends are really killing the Opportunity.

They are all reminding her to stay away from me for fear i will suck her right back in. So for now, she is sneaking around seeing me and stopping by, taking no calls where others can hear her, and deleting all my texts as they come in. (my observations)
Lastly, she is wanting to move into the house she always wanted this week, and bring D1 which is staying with her at her parents, and D2 whos in college who is living with Boy Friends Parents and family. She wants them both to move in with her and not me.

Today, i feel really beat down, tired, and worn out. I am getting very little EN's met for myself, and continue to give non stop with Kindness and Patience. Not a meeting goes by, that she does not point out shes broke and homeless (living in camper at parents)and no income. In addition, that i hear about every negative thing that ever happend in our Marriage, and how this or that wasnt right.

She has made no effort to read, his needs her needs, or any of the MB Concepts i printed out for her. She talks on occassion in 3rd person about "as we work through things" but never, hey, lets try, i don't want to give up. She is hinting at needing space again... and exercising Massive IB.

I feel at times i see her taking baby steps, but then days like today, i feel completely HOPELESS and Question my RESOLVE.
Not wearing her ring around me really hurts.

Today i am at a crossroads... She is living in a Camper,Her situation with family is Highly Negative about our marraige, She has D1 living inside parents house in a room with boxs, and D2 living with Boyfriend and his Family.(She beats herself up constantly about being Homeless and not taking care of D1 and D2. So the question is, do i leave her in this Contaminated enviorment, or Choice #2 Deal with the IB, and move her into a house with D1 and D2, where they are happy, and at least i can visit or come by, without her having to Sneak around familys back to see me. I feel like i have to make a Choice on Which is the Lesser of 2 Evils. Family and situation or IB in her own home.

Not expecting her to keep Dr. Harley appt at this point, and if she does, i think it will be all based on Guilt, very doubtful she will do a second appointment due to cost.

Thanks...
CHERISH HER

You are feeling part of the intended effect of the Plan A --> Plan B scenario.

While you are doing double time trying to rebuild your LB$ account with her, hers is being whittled away. This is why Plan A needs to have a definitive time line, so that you aren't completely empty should you move in to Plan B. If she won't participate, it still may be a good idea for you to make the call, just so you can set your length for your Plan A.

Some men can endure a Plan A for up to 6 months - this may not work well for you.

All that dredging up the past is fogbabble - she is having her needs met by other men and you are being weighed and measured by your flaws, while they are being weighed and measured with only their strengths.

It may not just be the family she is hiding her interaction with you from, but also from the other men.

However, if you are doing well enough that she is putting this work in, then keep it up. You want to be as pleasant and attractive as you can possibly muster before you pull the rug out (if you decide to follow the Plan A --> Plan B course of action).

Again, do some searching and reading on fogbabble, it will really help you be able to dismiss the nonsense she is spouting.

*edit*

Forgot to expand on the intended effect comment.

The "upshot" to the Plan A/Plan B scenario, is that if followed properly, if it fails, you will no longer be in love with her - you can have a pretty clean break when it's time to walk away.

Sherlock Holmes said (paraphrased), "When you know you have listed all possible solutions to a problem, and eliminate all but one, that one, NO MATTER HOW UNLIKELY, is your solution."

You had a marriage that was troubled, and you admit that you were not a superior supplier of your wife's EN's.
You say your wife is, and/or claims to be a verey private person.
Your wife evidently is not highly motivated by sexual touch (her bed attire, your sleeping position).
She leaves you and talks of divorce. (Leaves you WHY? If your communication was that faulty, you could just have easily ignored each other from the next room.)
She jealously guards her cell phone access and has become accustomed to quickly eliminating received texts. (Uhhh, do you really think it's only YOURS she got so protective about?)
You have done a great deal to show her that you will be there to supply the EN's she was missing from you all those years, but her reaction is to say, "I wish you a nice life, and hope you find somebody else." (She wasn't getting the EN's filled from you before, and declines to let you try to supply them now. So her needs are being filled by........?)
She tells you now that she is talking to other men who make her "feel good." You don't know who "they" are (and it's probably only a question of who "he" is.)
She is well familiar with e-based communication and interaction. Not that she'd have to be; my mother could have set up an alternate e-address in about 30 seconds.
Now she decides that speaking to the one person who might facilitate the repair of your marriage is "too expensive".

Move this thread (you've heard this before) to the "Surviving an Affair" board. Your wife is actively conducting an (at least) Emotional Affair.

Wifey (hereinafter referred to as "WW") had her Love Bank go empty - continued LB's, no refilling EN supply.
Her "privacy" manifested iteslf as not being able to address this with you.
It wasn't SF that she was missing, it was the softer aspects of a relationship, those that can be supplied without necessary proximity.
She left your home so as to reduce your opportunity to detect her affair - either through careless web access exposure, or continuous (or regularly scheduled) phone conversations/texts.
She is getting her EN's met. She doesn't need your participation at this time. She doesn't know how (or have the courage) to tell you that when she says she wants you to find a better person for yourself, what's left unsaid is "because I already have."
She prefers not to speak to anyone here because at this time she would rather continue getting her EN's supplied by AP, than take a risk, and attempt to have them filled by you.

I would urge you to consider this in your future dealings with your WW. She's not "lost", or "confused", or "unsure". She's emotional cheating on you and your marriage.

CherishHer,
I am doubtful helping your wife into the home of her dreams will help protect your marriage. IMHO it would help her IB and help her close you out. You likely read Dr Harleys chapter in HNHN on IB. Overtime she has closed you out of her various "rooms" and figuratively and literally created a separate house so she can live like a single and treat you like you do not exist. Think about what your marriage room looks like right now and what hers might look like at present. Think about what your/hers marriage rooms would look like if she were to move into this other home with more exclusive rein over her rooms? Would she find reason to integrate with you? I've found it helpful to view our marriage like a third person in terms of how to best take care of it and protect it? Your wife's foggy notions and museings are not about caring for you and protecting your marriage. And if you do go ahead and support her IB under her guise to help her love you again you will have less leverage if you have to move to plan B. Your not LB her you are protecting your marriage. It can be confusing.

Plan A is not about giving your spouse everything they ask for. Meet their needs, yes. Avoid love busters, yes. But do not do things that will harm the marriage.

Your overall message is that you love your spouse, you want to have a happy marriage with them. A marriage filled with romantic love. But you will not support behaviors by either of you that harm the marriage.

So you validate that you heard what the other person asked for. Then you calmly and respectfully apologize for not being able to enthusiastically support your spouse's IB.

And you really should head over the SAA where the experts at fighting fog speak hang out.

@CherishHer -

You do realize that your wife is a WS? That she is using OM to get her ENS met?

Can you admit this?

If you can't it will be really tough for you to save this, if near impossible.

You, sir, are a helpless doormat and need to wake up.

Who cares what her dreams are right now? She's wayward. Her dreams probably include nights in Paris with a 20-year-old John Travolta - you gonna give her that, too?

Cherish,
Valid points made here by everyone. Plan A is to get your wife to stop all contact with other men. Her emotional needs are being filled by other men, not you. She needs to commit to ending all contact with other men. Remember what I posted earlier, you are in the marriage fighting to make it the best marriage. Your wife has chosen to leave you and have contact other men. She's blaming you and using the excuse her family doesn't like you as ammunition to support her decisions. Don't buy into it. You shouldn't help her with the mess she's created until she commits to end all contact with other men and wants to work on marriage.

How old are your DDs and what do they think about you and what's happened?

Cherish,
You never told us how the date went on Sturday night

Gg,
thank you for your reply, i am getting a better understanding of Plan A. I decided to move into the House Myself Friday. Have not told W yet, she is going to be Mad as **** its her dream house, we almost bought it 4 ys ago.

She had her APPT with DR. Harley today, to be honest, he didnt sound very positive, or perhaps thats what i read into it. Once bit Twice Shy, she does not believe that the Belief system will change. Yet, she keeps drawing in a little bit each day. This house deal will proably push her over the top. D1 and D2 are hers from First Marriage, she has cut me off all contact for 5 weeks. She asked me again today about the House, and Said D1 desperately needs somewhere too live. So i am going to offer the new house as the solution, and see what happens.

I scheduled another appt with Dr. Harley next week, and will continue to work on myself. The Only comment W made about todays call was "It made me somewhat Sad.." whatever that means? No idea. At this point i still dont think she has told the D1 D2 anything, but she took her Ring off 3 weeks ago, and its pretty tough to miss 2.5 carats by Kids.

Thanks for reposting...PLAN A, i am starting to get it, and think i will toss the Gauntlet Down Friday, about Ceasing all contact and giving me access to Phone Acct, and then work on us. Otherwise, i cant continue to support the Adultry in our Marriage.

Dr. Harely did say, this is a very tough one, and my best choice is to continue to Work on My personal Belief System.



The date went good, we actually had a great time and ended up Road triping to a Casino, and
stayed in the Same Room together same bed. We did have a good time, and its the first time
we have ever gambled next too each other, little lown all night. I am dosing out tons of
Affection, she is receptive, but does not reciprocate, other than Kissing me on occassion
when i lean in some, i am still initiator. All in all date went well, but after todays call
with Dr. Harely, i have no idea where i am going to stand, and after i Announce that i am moving
into the House and She is welcome to come home, Who knows what, that might push her over the edge.

Thanks for all the support and Help.

Cherish Her