Oh, no. You want to nail him strong and hard while the you-know-what is hitting the fan. Do this now.

This is a disaster. My hardly know what to say.

Why don't you tell her you have a better idea, that you know of a counseling center that specializes in recovering from affairs, ask her to cancel the appt. tomorrow, and instead have a phone appt with MB?

just sent this email to OM

I just want you to know that I am not done fighting for my wife and family, not by a long shot. You offer nothing except devastation and I will never let it happen. You may have WW snookered for the time being but no one else. I will not stop until you are gone.

You should realize that her family knows who you are, and knows that you are intentionally destroying this family. You can never be a permanent part of her life.

..............................

I don't think there's anything I can do about the IC, but I will give it a try

Nice letter!!

Good job on the letter, fight!

just had a brainstorm, think its a good one...

in our state judges ask kids of a certain age (ours are old enough) who they want to live with in a custody battle. I can tell her that if it should come to this I will be petitioning for custody, and why, and everything will come out.

Also if she leaves, ExH will obviously know and could petition for custody as well.

.

fight, listen to ML about the IC. When I got here, my WH was seeing an IC who was encouraging a separation (this is common for IC's to encourage this kind of stuff to waywards who are complaining about being controlled or needing space!).

Mel's first post to me was about losing the IC. I went and dug it up for you. It is from '07. I am so glad she posted this to me and that I listened...it could have been a disaster...


Link: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=146544&Number=1958889#Post1958889

The IC didn't work for me at all with regard to the marriage counseling.

In fact, the IC believed my WS and thought I WAS THE ONE lying.

In fact, he lied to the IC so well, that the IC said that I was horrible for wanting to make my ws want to remain married and that our best bet was to separate and "seek counseling for the pending divorce so we can be friends".

Is that the crap you want to pay for? Trust me. It was a total waste of time and $. My xwh had the whole IC snookered.

I like that word by the way. I wonder if the origin of that word has its' humble beginnings in Jersey?
[img:center]http://ts1.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail.aspx?q=397536340348&id=05bcec0d9cc77e015b3ea1d5939232f0[/img]

Anyhow, like Dr. Harley says, IC is USELESS if the ws is still active in the affair. It does no good whatsoever. You can't HEAL a marriage where one is actively cheating.

Only see a MB counselor who uses real MB principles or get phone counseling from MB.

I asked WW if she would be interested in counseling that specializes in dealing with infidelity...answer was a flat no, nothing more said. Obviously, she understood that it would be with someone who was pro-marriage.

Another valley...I am really hurting. I feel like I need to vent some emotion but after last night I'm not sure

I feel really defeated right now and I don't know how much longer I can endure this pain

Answer was a flat no right now. You are not defeated not by a long shot. You don't quit on us, and we won't quit on you.

Try this the next time counseling comes up, fight - tell her you've heard of a great place where therapists counsel couples to help them turn an 'okay' marriage into a fantastic one. Don't talk about 'specializing in infidelity' - she'll immediately feel on the defensive and will refuse.

Sorry you're at such a hard point, fight - hang in there!

there is not the slightest crack in her resolve to end our M and continue the A.

She is set in stone right now, even after her meltdown last night. She is not going to joint counseling of any kind without a major change of heart.

I dont want to give up...but I am not seeing any light at all

nononono, you are not defeated! This is far from over. Please don't despair. This is a hard fight, fight, but it is FAR FROM OVER! You have a much greater chance of winning than does OM. See, 65% of marriages stay together after affairs, whereas, only 5% of affairs don't crumble within 2 years. This affair will crumble as it is kept out in the sunlight.

I would not expect her to agree to marriage counseling right now. She still believes there is hope in the affair. She is hoping to do damage control. You just need to chill out and stand firm against the affair while it goes into free fall.

You just hang tight here. This is going well. You need to focus on bursting her fantasy, so think of ways to do this. I need you to paint a very ugly picture of her future if the marriage does not survive. For example, let her know that if it comes to legal action, you will be suing on grounds of adultery and having the OM subpoeanaed. You will be letting the boys' father know of her affair so he can take steps from protect them from this corrupt man.

Paint it as ugly as you can. SHE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT YOU WON'T ROLL OVER. Most WW's fantasize about replacing the husband with the OM in an easy transistion. You will ruin her plans if you paint a picture of ruin and humiliation.

In fact, I would insist to her that you both sit down and tell the boys about the affair together. [ this will wake her the hell up] Make the case that since her affair effects them too, leading psychologists suggest that it is bad to give kids false explanations about the tension in the home. It teaches them dishonesty. use some of the facts cited here by Dr Harley:

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here

well first off, as usual Mel, you are wellspring of hope. The knowledge you share has changed lives.

I finally slept last night. Woke up and realized that I am focused only on my rollercoaster, and not seeing the churn and turnoil of hers. This moring she finally allowed me a glimpse:

"I am so confused, I have to make sure I'm doing the right thing. I can't keep coming back to this point."

In would take this to mean that consequences are starting to be apparent. She is trying to prop up her resolve but reality is giving it a beating. She has acknowledged that DS1 will be "devastated". She looking for the magic way to move ahead w/OM but there isnt one.

I will be working on the ugly picture all day today so that when she gets home, a gallon of gasoline goes into the fire.

I think you can use this to fan the flames of reality that are licking at her feet. Tell her you know that DS1 is very upset and "have you thought about what we will tell him?" "I think we should be telling him the truth about the affair sooner rather than later so he understands the situation." "Psychologists recommend the children are told the whole truth.."

And even though she might not agree to do that right now, it will surely be a wake up call!

Another suggestion is to get an appointment with Steve Harley for yourself. He will tell you what to say to get her on the phone with him. [usually something like, this counselor wants to get your perspective so he can help me with all this] Once Steve gets her on the phone, he can be very effective in selling her on the prospect of finding that same romantic love in her marriage. He will tell her "wouldn't the ideal solution be to have those romantic feelings WITHIN your marriage?"

See, she doesn't believe she can have that within your marriage. He can show her how it can be done.


Yep! And you thought she was firm in her resolve. She is not! She is about as clear and decisive as a falling down drunk. She will swing back and forth until her alcohol is gone. That is why it is so important for you to keep the heat up under the OM's feet. [you are doing a great job on that, btw!]


Good man!! And don't allow yourself to despair. Truly, I know this is scary but there is nothing going on here that makes me think this is over. I have seen 10x worse than this do an 180 degree. Everything your wife is saying is a result of her fogbabble.

Mel -

Thank you...I think I see my reality clearly. If I give up, its over. If I do this halfway, its over. Either of these courses of action yields the exact result I fear. Also today I will be pumping up her 4 older brothers - who are squarely on my side - for round 2. Got lots to tell them about OM and the jeopardy this will put their nephews in.

The most logical solution for your wife and all concerned is for her to find the love she wants in your marriage. So she needs to understand 2 truths: 1. the affair is impractical and unworkable and 2. her marriage contains her best hope. The trick is to get through the fog and convey those truths.