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OK OK How do I get the truth

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a lie detector test? snooping on her phone, sim card readers? key logger on comp. Gps in car...........VAR in the car.............stay calm get the truth so you know what you are dealing with.
Expose to everyone that is important to your spouse including the work HR department..
You have to stop the contact between them first.......then the withdrawal from that relationship will happen while you meet his needs, then together you can rebuild your marriage...........
don't let him know what your plans are.........


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Originally Posted by Meh
OK OK How do I get the truth

Hello Meh,

The answer is...

Polygraph.

You let your WW know that you feel that for the M to recover there has to be total honesty.

Let her see you looking up the polygraph examiner in the phonebook and go ahead and make an appointment...

but a week from now.

Draw up the specific questions you want answered with only specific yes or no answers such as...

Did any part of his body ever touch any part of your body?

I got the same story in the beginning...

We never had sex....we only kissed....we had sex one time....we had sex several times...to an affair that had gone on for years.

I made it clear to Mrs.Flint that I needed the truth and if the polygraph proved she was lying we were done.

She confessed BEFORE the test.

Most do.

God bless.

Jim



FWW 48 had EA and PA affair with my brother which ended in 2006. Me BH 53. Happily recovering with a new and better marriage through MB!!! My thread - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2110024#Post2110024
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there have been about a 1000 texts, 20 pix messages

She has had so many oppurtunities to meet him

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My DH initially said he NEVER touch that woman; and then it was only once. The truth was that it was over the course of eight months and six over-nights with probably several times during those nights (excuse me while I go throw up). It was hard for me because I got trickle truth until I kind of tricked my DH into telling me the truth. I exposed his A to HR and the ppl they both worked with. My DH has a high position where he works and they had been watching him and knew about his A. Surprisingly I didn't know they knew at the time but I told my DH that they knew and they were going to meet with me the next day and give me all of the details about his A. This was like a miracle because his boss and HR were actually planning to meet with me and tell me but that night my DH broke down and cried and told me everything. All of the nasty details.

Cheaters become so slick and lie so well, sometimes you have to play them at their own games to get the truth. Once my DH told me the truth we had MC with the Harleys and implemented MB which has worked like a miracle.

It sounds like your WS and the OM are still in co-hoots (sp?) together and are lying for each other. I wouldn't be surprised if they are comparing notes with each other. You have to find a way to get enough allies on your side and expose so badly that there is no way for her and the OM to keep their secrets. You might want to tell your W someone they work with knows the truth about them meeting and tell her you are going to meet with the person the next day to see what they know. It's sad but you have to pull out all the stops to get these liars to tell the truth sometimes.

My DH could have lost his wonderful job by me exposing his A and in fact we were kicked out of the foreign country we were in, he was re-assigned and forced to go to counseling. I didn't care. I had to know the entire truth. Exposure to everyone is your best first response. Your WW is lying about the extent of her A, and the OM is gaslighting and lying to his W. Don�t fall for the tricks and lies that a WS can tell. Stand up for yourself.

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I found out initially when the OM's wife found texts referring to their meeting together. I pieced it together from texts from my wife's phone.

My wife did not admit to it until I made a specific reference to a meeting at a particular city on a particular date. Only when she knew that I knew did the truth start slowly coming out. But it was a trickle truth story for about two months until it all came out.

Unfortunately, your wife believes she needs to "protect" you from the painful "truth." It is virtually universal for this to happen. Your wife believes the truth will only hurt you more. She doesn't think you deserve to know the reality of the A for your "well-being."

You need some type of specific truth. Most cell phone companies will let you order the last 90 days of texts by mail. But it will take a notarized signature from your wife to make this happen in most cases. Or you could ask her to take a polygraph.

She nor the OM will give up the truth easily.


Me: FBH (2010) and FWH (1996): 40
Her: FWW and FBW: 40

2011: In recovery

A's are merely chocolate-covered cancer lollipops.
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I just told her that we have local polygraph in town and I am making an appt. I told her it is foolproof and that if she fails it I will leave her.

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You are exactly right - she is scared to hurt me more


ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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I have to tell her work

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Hello Meh,

Just wanted to let you know about a post called, "Joseph's letter".

It puts into words what we all felt.

One word of caution, if you share it with your WW you MUST remove all references to Marriage Builders as you DO NOT want her here yet.

Just type it into the search area of the discussion forum in quotations for it to come up.

Maybe someone will post a link to it for you.

God bless.

Jim


FWW 48 had EA and PA affair with my brother which ended in 2006. Me BH 53. Happily recovering with a new and better marriage through MB!!! My thread - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2110024#Post2110024
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Originally Posted by Meh
I know - you have to be right




She has gone to "study" so many times and left the house saying she had to go to the library - in fact it just dawned on me that she used to always study at home and just in the last semester said she needed to go to the library.
redflag redflag redflag

That's where she 'found the time'.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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OK - freaking out now


She just said "You are losing it. I am not taking a lie detector test."

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Originally Posted by Meh
OK - freaking out now


She just said "You are losing it. I am not taking a lie detector test."
Then she needs to get out. Tell her you're not going to live with a liar and a cheat. Meh, don't back down from this. She's got plenty more to tell you.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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[censored] I am shaking right now

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Meh,

Well,

Deep breath...

They all say that.

Because she doesn't think that you are serious and will try to bluff you into dropping it.

You just got the answer that you knew in your heart.

Now you get to work getting HER to understand that you want to recover you M.

And that honesty is necessary.

Did you make the appointment?

She MUST see that you are serious and not just threatening.

Stay CALM and do not engage her in an argument.

Just stay the course with the polygraph.

Plan A her and just be matter of fact about the upcoming polygraph, mark it on the calendar.

Let HER talk if she wants to.

Jim


FWW 48 had EA and PA affair with my brother which ended in 2006. Me BH 53. Happily recovering with a new and better marriage through MB!!! My thread - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2110024#Post2110024
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Meh,

Don't be fooled. She's not trying to "not hurt you." She's covering up her own actions, either to go underground with the A, or so she doesn't look worse.

Just stay calm and stay the course. You don't want to go thru a false recovery.

Those are horrible. I went thru FR for about six months and I'm still twitchy (to the point of PTSD), even two years later with a fully-repentant FWW.

You've got to get the whole truth, and do it ASAP, for your own sanity.


BH 52
FWW 50
S26 S24
EA 3/07-1/09
PA 5/07-10/08
NC finally established after eight false starts: 1/23/09
Final Version of Events 6/09
In a solid Recovery, and lucky beyond belief.
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Meh, Did you have a chance to read "Joseph's Letter" yet?

Don't engage your WW right now.

Let it sink in to her what you have said.

No arguments right now.

Stay calm and vent HERE not at her.

Jim



FWW 48 had EA and PA affair with my brother which ended in 2006. Me BH 53. Happily recovering with a new and better marriage through MB!!! My thread - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2110024#Post2110024
Joined: Dec 2010
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Honesty is what you need. The truth will hurt but you have a right to know.


Me: FBH (2010) and FWH (1996): 40
Her: FWW and FBW: 40

2011: In recovery

A's are merely chocolate-covered cancer lollipops.
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OK I will vent here - done with polygraph threats for now ---- I told her I am speaking with an attorney tomorrow and that she will lose everything if she refuses the polygraph.


I am going to rad Josephs letter now

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Meh, Remember that WS's are the most selfish creatures on Earth...

It seems she wants to stay married to you...

she just doesn't want to tell you the truth because she doesn't see a reason she should have to.

Make sure she sees that it is to HER benefit to confess because you are willing to work on recovering the marriage with her IF she is honest about the affair...

and that you can have an even better M than before the A.

You need to give her a reason to confess that she thinks will benefit HER.

Jim



FWW 48 had EA and PA affair with my brother which ended in 2006. Me BH 53. Happily recovering with a new and better marriage through MB!!! My thread - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2110024#Post2110024
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