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I am a bit confused. I thought exposure was used in plan B after a period of plan A? No, exposure should be done immediately and is the basis of Plan A. When Should An Affair Be Exposed? By Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. 10.28.09 This week, again I�ll be taking a question from the Forum to help clear up a conflict regarding one of my common recommendations about when to expose an affair. The issue of exposure comes up when a betrayed spouse has first learned about the affair. Should it be exposed to others, or kept secret? I generally recommend exposure. When should it be exposed? I usually recommend that it be exposed immediately. To whom should it be exposed? I recommend that family, friends, children, clergy, and especially, the lover�s spouse be informed. Exposure in the workplace depends on several factors.
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Whenever a betrayed spouse tells me that they�ve just discovered their spouse�s affair, my advice is almost always the same: Let others know about it. Tell your children, family, friends, clergy, and especially the lover�s spouse, if they have one. And this is even to be done during what I call plan A (making an effort to make as many Love Bank deposits, and as few withdrawals as possible). The problem some people have with that strategy is that it conflicts with the goal of plan A because it�s likely to cause massive Love Bank withdrawals. An unfaithful spouse almost always considers such exposure to be a worse act of betrayal than their affair itself.
But the alternative, helping the unfaithful spouse to keep the affair a secret, is enabling the addiction, prolonging the agony. In the long run, making the affair public knowledge without any forewarnings, threats, or bartering (which by themselves can create massive withdrawals) actually reduces the number of Love Bank withdrawals made by the betrayed spouse. It�s my opinion that the advantages of immediate exposure usually far outweigh the disadvantages. here "Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am a bit confused. I thought exposure was used in plan B after a period of plan A? Whole article What are Plan A & Plan B From the article Another exception to the Policy of Joint Agreement when confronting infidelity is what I've called, "exposure." I highly recommend that while in plan A you tell your friends, family, the lover's spouse, your pastor, and possibly your wayward spouse's employer that your spouse is having an affair. It's a very controversial recommendation, and a clear violation of the Policy of Joint Agreement. But I've found exposure to be one of the most effective ways to end an affair quickly while in plan A.
But your effort to end the affair with thoughtfulness and care, and even exposure, doesn't always work. In many cases a wayward spouse is so trapped by the addiction that he or she does not have the will-power to do the right thing. Once in a while the fog lifts and the cruelty and tragedy of the affair hits the wayward spouse right between the eyes. In a moment of grief and guilt, he or she promises to end it. But then the pain of withdrawal symptoms often brings back the fog with all its excuses and rationalization, and the affair is on again.
Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.
So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B Ray Hope this helps. Dr H finds men as a rule usually can Plan A for about 6 months. If recovery for the M can't be agreed upon within that time then he recommends going into Plan B. Total seperation. nESRE
Last edited by nesre; 06/13/11 11:24 PM. Reason: to
M 29 yrs DS 28 DD 18 Me 53 FWH FBS MTA signed 5/11/2011 D final 5/16/2011
Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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Thank you all! I had a light bulb go off in my head today as I was thinking of your posts. I am doing exactly what got me to this point in my marriage with my wife. I am hoping for a change instead of taking action. She is asking me to do the same thing that is the foundation of her anger. Me, "not caring" is how she put it.
I talked to my wife today and told her that now is the time to break off the relationship. She responded that maybe after our trip she will feel better about doing that, but wouldn't make any promises...in her words. She also stated that she knows what she is doing is wrong but doesn't know if she CAN break off all contact. She did offer to leave her cell phone at home if it eased my mind....yeah...that would do it... Our trip is 3 weeks away and I believe exposure needs to happen now if we are going to have any chance of reconnecting on our trip.
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The offer to leave her cellphone at home is probably an indication that she has an affair phone. A pay-as-you-go sort of phone.
Exposure needs to happen YESTERDAY. She might get angry but for certain your marriage can survive that. But not the ongoing affair.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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I talked to my wife today and told her that now is the time to break off the relationship. She responded that maybe after our trip she will feel better about doing that, but wouldn't make any promises...in her words. She also stated that she knows what she is doing is wrong but doesn't know if she CAN break off all contact. Good job, Ray!! I would help her break off contact by calmly and strategically raising holy unmitigated hell in her affair with a well planned out exposure. Who are your exposure targets?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I would first, go to the OM's facebook page and copy and paste all his contacts into a WORD document. Change your own facebook picture to one of you and your wife. Open up your family pictures to everyone. Good exposure targets will be:
1. the om's parents, family members, HIS WIFE, as many people as possible on his facebook page [we have a sample letter and can walk you through the process] This will be a very critical exposure because it will RUIN any notions of a future. Your wife will not be welcome into his family if they all know she is a married woman who is cheating on her husband
2. your wifes parents, your parents, close friends and family. Tell them all about the affair and ask them to USE THEIR INFLUENCE TO PERSUADE HER TO END HER AFFAIR. NO ONE should keep their knowledge a secret because that defeats the purpose
3. all of your children and hers
4. pastor, if any
It is best to do this all on the same day in one fell swoop to get the maximum effect. When you are done, I would make plans to visit the OM and tell him that hell is coming his way. Tell him to never contact your wife again.
I predict the above will effectively kill your wife's affair. Most OM are wimps who do want any trouble. The goal is to cause as much trouble as possible for the OM each and every time he contacts your wife.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody As of right now I am looking at using Facebook for most of it. We have 40 or so mutual friends and family members that I would send a message to revealing her affair. I am still trying to get on the OM FB page. It's an entertainment page..he is a record promoter..so I am not sure how effective it will be. I am also still working on the message, not sure what I want to write yet. Any suggestions are welcomed!!!
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I am doing exactly what got me to this point I am hoping for a change instead of taking action. You get it!! We like to say around here that "hope is not a plan!" Hope has never saved a marriage in my experience around here. She is asking me to do the same thing that is the foundation of her anger. Me, "not caring" is how she put it. Again, you GET it. By not fighting for your marriage you are showing her you don't care very much. So many FORMER wayward wives on this board are so grateful that their husbands fought for their marriages. For many, it was the first time they ever did.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I feel in control for the first time.....thank you. I will post an update ASAP.
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Make sure not to send any messages on FB too fast, because you might get banned from sending messages for a bit if you do that.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Melody As of right now I am looking at using Facebook for most of it. We have 40 or so mutual friends and family members that I would send a message to revealing her affair. I am still trying to get on the OM FB page. It's an entertainment page..he is a record promoter..so I am not sure how effective it will be. I am also still working on the message, not sure what I want to write yet. Any suggestions are welcomed!!! Can you find the OM's parents and family members? Can you find his WIFE, especially? That might be a GREAT HIT. I would personally call her parents and your parents and ask them to intervene. If you send a message to family and friends, I would not post it on a facebook wall [that will get lost and defeat your purpose] but send them either emails or private facebook messages. IF YOU SEND THESE LETTERS OVER FACEBOOK, SPACE THEM OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO YOU DON'T GET SHUT DOWN FOR FLOODING. Say something like this: I am sending this to our nearest and dearest friends and family in a special request for your help. The purpose of this email is to not to humilate or embarrass but to ask for your help. My wife, WW, is in an adulterous affair with a man named Joe Loser. He is a married man from Loserville, PA. I have known of the affair for a year now and have tried everything in my power to get WW to end her affair. To no avail. This has broken my heart and caused untold grief for me. I am now asking that you, as our dear friends and family, use your influence to persuade WW to end her affair. At the very least, I ask for your prayers. I love my wife and want so much to save my marriage. I know that cannot happen unless she ends her affair. Thank you all for your support and for being there for us. RayofHope
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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BE sure and CALL her parents! Ask them to call her and use their influence to persuade her to end her affair. Parents can be very effective!
And tell your kids tonight. They deserve to know that she is risking their security all for ................nothing. A big fat nothing.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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p.s. when she finds out you exposed her, she will be FURIOUS and will make all manner of threats. DO NOT LET IT BOTHER YOU. It is an expectation. Just don't fight with her and don't allow her to draw you into a fight. You have taken the crack away from the crack head is all that has happened. She is expected to be crazy. Just tell her, I am sure sorry you are upset, but I thought every one should know about your affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody,
I am in the process of trying to find the OM's wife. My wife's Mother has a mental illness and does not have any influence with my wife. Her step father died a few years ago so, I was thinking of having my father call and talk to her. She respects him tremendously and use to always ask him for advice. If anyone can get through to her he can.
I am not looking forward to the $hit storm that is about to hit, but in a weird way I wish someone would had done this for me when I abused alcohol.
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Tried talking to the OM today. I sent him a text to call me, I wanted to talk to him about the affair he is having with my wife. Of course he didn't call and my wife was desperately trying to protect him. I kept the pressure on most of the day, but no call. He won't answer his cell or respond to my text. My wife asked me to leave him alone.
I did find out his wife's name and I am pretty sure where she lives. They live 3 hours away so getting a hold of her info is proving difficult. Any suggestions on the best way to get her cell number or house number? Should I let OM know I plan on talking to his wife? In the case I can not get a hold of her is there another strategy I could use? Sorry, for all the questions, but I am planning the exposure this weekend and I want it to hit hard.
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Tried talking to the OM today. I sent him a text to call me, I wanted to talk to him about the affair he is having with my wife. Of course he didn't call and my wife was desperately trying to protect him. I kept the pressure on most of the day, but no call. He won't answer his cell or respond to my text. My wife asked me to leave him alone.
I did find out his wife's name and I am pretty sure where she lives. They live 3 hours away so getting a hold of her info is proving difficult. Any suggestions on the best way to get her cell number or house number? Should I let OM know I plan on talking to his wife? In the case I can not get a hold of her is there another strategy I could use? Sorry, for all the questions, but I am planning the exposure this weekend and I want it to hit hard. I would not tell the OM or your wife that you plan on telling anyone. That will just neutralize the impact of your exposure. Does the OM live with his wife?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I think so, but I am not 100% sure. I do not plan on telling them about the exposure.
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I think so, but I am not 100% sure. I do not plan on telling them about the exposure. ] Can you drive to his house and knock on the door? That is what I would do. Gather your evidence and just go there.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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They live in the Philadelphia area. I could do some more research and take a drive. I do know his work address and location.
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They live in the Philadelphia area. I could do some more research and take a drive. I do know his work address and location. This is what I would do if I were you. That will likely have the effect of running the OM off if you come knocking and calmly and respectfully tell his wife about the affair. Do you have a friend that could come with you?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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