I am a bit confused. I thought exposure was used in plan B after a period of plan A?

When Should An Affair Be Exposed?
By Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.
10.28.09
This week, again I�ll be taking a question from the Forum to help clear up a conflict regarding one of my common recommendations about when to expose an affair. The issue of exposure comes up when a betrayed spouse has first learned about the affair. Should it be exposed to others, or kept secret? I generally recommend exposure. When should it be exposed? I usually recommend that it be exposed immediately. To whom should it be exposed? I recommend that family, friends, children, clergy, and especially, the lover�s spouse be informed. Exposure in the workplace depends on several factors.

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Whenever a betrayed spouse tells me that they�ve just discovered their spouse�s affair, my advice is almost always the same: Let others know about it. Tell your children, family, friends, clergy, and especially the lover�s spouse, if they have one. And this is even to be done during what I call plan A (making an effort to make as many Love Bank deposits, and as few withdrawals as possible). The problem some people have with that strategy is that it conflicts with the goal of plan A because it�s likely to cause massive Love Bank withdrawals. An unfaithful spouse almost always considers such exposure to be a worse act of betrayal than their affair itself.

But the alternative, helping the unfaithful spouse to keep the affair a secret, is enabling the addiction, prolonging the agony. In the long run, making the affair public knowledge without any forewarnings, threats, or bartering (which by themselves can create massive withdrawals) actually reduces the number of Love Bank withdrawals made by the betrayed spouse. It�s my opinion that the advantages of immediate exposure usually far outweigh the disadvantages.

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

I am a bit confused. I thought exposure was used in plan B after a period of plan A?

Another exception to the Policy of Joint Agreement when confronting infidelity is what I've called, "exposure." I highly recommend that while in plan A you tell your friends, family, the lover's spouse, your pastor, and possibly your wayward spouse's employer that your spouse is having an affair. It's a very controversial recommendation, and a clear violation of the Policy of Joint Agreement. But I've found exposure to be one of the most effective ways to end an affair quickly while in plan A.

But your effort to end the affair with thoughtfulness and care, and even exposure, doesn't always work. In many cases a wayward spouse is so trapped by the addiction that he or she does not have the will-power to do the right thing. Once in a while the fog lifts and the cruelty and tragedy of the affair hits the wayward spouse right between the eyes. In a moment of grief and guilt, he or she promises to end it. But then the pain of withdrawal symptoms often brings back the fog with all its excuses and rationalization, and the affair is on again.

Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.

So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B

I talked to my wife today and told her that now is the time to break off the relationship. She responded that maybe after our trip she will feel better about doing that, but wouldn't make any promises...in her words. She also stated that she knows what she is doing is wrong but doesn't know if she CAN break off all contact.

I am doing exactly what got me to this point I am hoping for a change instead of taking action.

She is asking me to do the same thing that is the foundation of her anger. Me, "not caring" is how she put it.

Melody
As of right now I am looking at using Facebook for most of it. We have 40 or so mutual friends and family members that I would send a message to revealing her affair. I am still trying to get on the OM FB page. It's an entertainment page..he is a record promoter..so I am not sure how effective it will be. I am also still working on the message, not sure what I want to write yet. Any suggestions are welcomed!!!

Tried talking to the OM today. I sent him a text to call me, I wanted to talk to him about the affair he is having with my wife. Of course he didn't call and my wife was desperately trying to protect him. I kept the pressure on most of the day, but no call. He won't answer his cell or respond to my text. My wife asked me to leave him alone.

I did find out his wife's name and I am pretty sure where she lives. They live 3 hours away so getting a hold of her info is proving difficult. Any suggestions on the best way to get her cell number or house number? Should I let OM know I plan on talking to his wife? In the case I can not get a hold of her is there another strategy I could use? Sorry, for all the questions, but I am planning the exposure this weekend and I want it to hit hard.

I think so, but I am not 100% sure. I do not plan on telling them about the exposure.

They live in the Philadelphia area. I could do some more research and take a drive. I do know his work address and location.