I'm new here. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and we have two little boys. I love him but the fall has been stressful and we were drifting apart.
We met a couple last year that we really hit it off with. The husband became attracted to me, which I did not realize at first until he touched my briefly shoulders one evening. I tried to ignore these advances and other very subtle advances, but we did keep seeing them as a couple. We were never alone and he did this with all present. I hoped it would go away by ignoring him but he and I have a lot in common and really get along. Every time I try to say something I loose my nerve or someone comes by because we are never alone. I was scared to say anything. I have never been in this situation before. But now it was like I was tied to him by this dilemma. And our interaction was mostly about our interests. No intimate talking, no verbal acknowledgment of this. We did stare at each other a couple of times and that was intense.
The four of us continued to occasionally see each. 6 times in 4 months but I realized the last time we saw each other that I needed to ignore him altogether that night but he kept making comments and trying to get my attention. I felt like he was starting to loose control of himself but exposing his attention to his wife or my husband.
So I told my husband that I was attracted to his man and that nothing has happened between us. He was understanding and felt that I could just tell him to back off and he would stop.
So I called my friend's husband privately (which I have never done before) after a three weeks of no contact. I said that I wanted to make sure that he understood that nothing is going on and he denied all of the attention. I told him specifically about touching me and winking at me made me uncomfortable but he said would turn the page and the conversation ended well. He asked me and I told him that I told my husband about his advances.
He called me back two hours later. He told me it was the worst 2 hours of his life and that no one had ever accused him of this before. So I now feel very bad that my inaction led to him been so attached to me. He told his wife about my accusation and she was "taken aback". I have not heard from them since. It has been a week and I feel very badly for causing this chaos for my friends.
I have done a lot of reading and have turned my attention to my own marriage but feel very stressed at meeting my friend. I feel like I had to stop this and it was the right thing to do but where do I go from here?
What do I say to my friend?
Hyla, welcome to marriage builders.
You did good in telling your husband. There are some things you can do beginning now to ensure that you do not continue in a one sided emotional affair and can kill this now.
I strongly suggest you tell your husband that you are still having thoughts/feelings about the other man. I would also suggest you ask him to help you.
Here are a few things to get you started:
1) No more private conversations with members of the opposite sex
2) No more contact with this man. The fact he was doing this and then denying it, tells me he was interested and is now denying it to cover his butt.
3) You and your husband need to do the emotional needs survey here on the site.
Begin by reading
here. and then do the questionnaire
here<--- Lastly, you should not be saying anything to the other man. There is an attachment for you there and it will make it difficult for you to remain faithful in your marriage. If anything needs to be said there, let your husband say it. Another man has no business touching you at all.
CV