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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
Being the analyzer that I am... What if the OM decides to pursue WW out of spite after I call and confront?

He is pursuing her NOW, so what would be the difference? If he continues to pursue her, you continue to make his life HELL. But typically, OM run like the cowards they are when faced with any conflict. They don't want the bother.

And keep in mind that you have best odds of winning. His relationship with your wife is doomed. 95% of affairs die within a few months and of those that make it to marriage, they have a 70% divorce rate. That is because the traits that made them possible, dishonesty, deceit and thoughtlessness destroy the affair. On the other hand, 65% of marriages stay together after affairs. My money is on you!!

I fear for that RAT when you go after him!! Hell is coming his way!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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What if the OM decides to pursue WW out of spite after I call and confront?

Dude, exactly how is he NOT pursuing her now - out of spite or not?

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Back at it this morning.

I'm having a very difficult time dealing with the anger/resentment that I have for what she did. I keep running the thoughts over and over in my head of how she could say some of the things that she has said and how she willingly allowed another man to have his way with her....twice (as far as I know).

I have to work VERY hard sometimes to keep these thoughts and feelings from allowing myself to just tell her that if she wants him THAT bad then to go on and go to him! Of course, that's not what I want but sometimes I really feel like telling her that if she wants out and wants him so bad then to just get out and don't come back.

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...just tell her that if she wants him THAT bad then to go on and go to him...sometimes I really feel like telling her that if she wants out and wants him so bad then to just get out and don't come back.

Here's what you do:

1) Tell US those kinds of things. (See, you did good so far!)

2) Get back to work on the PLAN!

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I have to say that even though I do not fear the OM in the least, I know about some of his family and they have proven to be a rough bunch, so to speak. I am a little concerned that when I send more exposure letters and/or when I call him, they will become involved and potentially do something stupid. Advice on that?

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I have to say that even though I do not fear the OM in the least, I know about some of his family and they have proven to be a rough bunch, so to speak. I am a little concerned that when I send more exposure letters and/or when I call him, they will become involved and potentially do something stupid. Advice on that?

Focus on problems that you actually HAVE instead of problems you don't HAVE.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Your exposure so far has not been effective. Are you exposing the affair? Have you spoken to all of her family members and asked them to speak to her?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I have spoken to her family members. They all appear to be saying that they "can't tell her what to do". There are a few that have been talking to her and telling her that the OM will never be accepted and that he will never be allowed into their homes.

Some are also telling her things like I have been saying in regards to the kids never being able to be around him if she chooses to be with him.

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Everyone seems to want to "help from afar" if that makes sense.

Honestly, I think she's starting to actually think about whether it's a good choice for her after I told her about filing for custody and that my kids will NEVER be allowed around him...which I meant every word of.

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And she has no reaction to any of this?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I have a meeting to attend for about an hour but will definitely be back on after. I'm having a pretty low point today.

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Her brother-in-law told me that when he told her that she really should think very hard about what she would be giving up and what she would be getting before she went to him. She told him that she would think about everything.

It appears from the outside (of her head) that nothing has seemed to phase her except for maybe the custody thing.

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What I have wondered is why she told her family members? She really didn't "spin" the story. She did leave out his name when she told them but so far, everyone that she told had a pretty accurate summary of the story. I then filled in the details for them.

I have also been wondering if she did that to signal in some way to me that she needs help getting "away" from him and the thoughts of him.

She has been quite a bit more cordial and sympathetic in some ways toward me at home lately. Don't know if that means anything at all.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I have to say that even though I do not fear the OM in the least, I know about some of his family and they have proven to be a rough bunch, so to speak. I am a little concerned that when I send more exposure letters and/or when I call him, they will become involved and potentially do something stupid. Advice on that?


lfh, I would stay on this and blow up his world TODAY. You want to cause as much havoc in that affair as possible. You want him to be calling her up screaming about your interference. That will cause huge conflict in the affair. The more conflict you cause in the affair, the faster it will crumble.

I am getting concerned because your actions seem to have no effect whatsoever on the affairees. That is a BAD SIGN. It means you are not effectively hitting the affair. You will know you have effectively dealt a blow to the affair by the reaction. Has there been any reaction at all?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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No reaction from what I have been able to see which is one reason I am beginning to think nothing I do is going to help.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
What I have wondered is why she told her family members? She really didn't "spin" the story. She did leave out his name when she told them but so far, everyone that she told had a pretty accurate summary of the story. I then filled in the details for them..

But didn't she tell them something like this: my marriage is bad so we are splitting up. And by the way, after I left I got back in contact with OM!"

that sounds much better than the truth: "I am leaving my husband and children to pursue my affair with OM."

She started the affair BEFORE she left you and it is WHY she is leaving. Is she telling these people she is leaving her husband and children to pursue her affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
No reaction from what I have been able to see which is one reason I am beginning to think nothing I do is going to help.


Something is wrong..


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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What did you say to her mother about the affair? EXACTLY?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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What do you mean by something is wrong?

I'll elaborate on what I told her mother after my meeting. I'm getting kind of worried right now.

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I actually told her mom to tell me what WW told her and then I filled in the blanks with the rest of the info. Told her that I thought WW was leaving to go back to OM.

Last edited by looking_for_help; 03/28/12 09:47 AM.
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