Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 11 of 59 1 2 9 10 11 12 13 58 59
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by looking_for_help
Being the analyzer that I am... What if the OM decides to pursue WW out of spite after I call and confront?

He is pursuing her NOW, so what would be the difference? If he continues to pursue her, you continue to make his life HELL. But typically, OM run like the cowards they are when faced with any conflict. They don't want the bother.

And keep in mind that you have best odds of winning. His relationship with your wife is doomed. 95% of affairs die within a few months and of those that make it to marriage, they have a 70% divorce rate. That is because the traits that made them possible, dishonesty, deceit and thoughtlessness destroy the affair. On the other hand, 65% of marriages stay together after affairs. My money is on you!!

I fear for that RAT when you go after him!! Hell is coming his way!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
What if the OM decides to pursue WW out of spite after I call and confront?

Dude, exactly how is he NOT pursuing her now - out of spite or not?

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
Back at it this morning.

I'm having a very difficult time dealing with the anger/resentment that I have for what she did. I keep running the thoughts over and over in my head of how she could say some of the things that she has said and how she willingly allowed another man to have his way with her....twice (as far as I know).

I have to work VERY hard sometimes to keep these thoughts and feelings from allowing myself to just tell her that if she wants him THAT bad then to go on and go to him! Of course, that's not what I want but sometimes I really feel like telling her that if she wants out and wants him so bad then to just get out and don't come back.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
...just tell her that if she wants him THAT bad then to go on and go to him...sometimes I really feel like telling her that if she wants out and wants him so bad then to just get out and don't come back.

Here's what you do:

1) Tell US those kinds of things. (See, you did good so far!)

2) Get back to work on the PLAN!

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
I have to say that even though I do not fear the OM in the least, I know about some of his family and they have proven to be a rough bunch, so to speak. I am a little concerned that when I send more exposure letters and/or when I call him, they will become involved and potentially do something stupid. Advice on that?

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I have to say that even though I do not fear the OM in the least, I know about some of his family and they have proven to be a rough bunch, so to speak. I am a little concerned that when I send more exposure letters and/or when I call him, they will become involved and potentially do something stupid. Advice on that?

Focus on problems that you actually HAVE instead of problems you don't HAVE.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Your exposure so far has not been effective. Are you exposing the affair? Have you spoken to all of her family members and asked them to speak to her?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
I have spoken to her family members. They all appear to be saying that they "can't tell her what to do". There are a few that have been talking to her and telling her that the OM will never be accepted and that he will never be allowed into their homes.

Some are also telling her things like I have been saying in regards to the kids never being able to be around him if she chooses to be with him.

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
Everyone seems to want to "help from afar" if that makes sense.

Honestly, I think she's starting to actually think about whether it's a good choice for her after I told her about filing for custody and that my kids will NEVER be allowed around him...which I meant every word of.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
And she has no reaction to any of this?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
I have a meeting to attend for about an hour but will definitely be back on after. I'm having a pretty low point today.

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
Her brother-in-law told me that when he told her that she really should think very hard about what she would be giving up and what she would be getting before she went to him. She told him that she would think about everything.

It appears from the outside (of her head) that nothing has seemed to phase her except for maybe the custody thing.

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
What I have wondered is why she told her family members? She really didn't "spin" the story. She did leave out his name when she told them but so far, everyone that she told had a pretty accurate summary of the story. I then filled in the details for them.

I have also been wondering if she did that to signal in some way to me that she needs help getting "away" from him and the thoughts of him.

She has been quite a bit more cordial and sympathetic in some ways toward me at home lately. Don't know if that means anything at all.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I have to say that even though I do not fear the OM in the least, I know about some of his family and they have proven to be a rough bunch, so to speak. I am a little concerned that when I send more exposure letters and/or when I call him, they will become involved and potentially do something stupid. Advice on that?


lfh, I would stay on this and blow up his world TODAY. You want to cause as much havoc in that affair as possible. You want him to be calling her up screaming about your interference. That will cause huge conflict in the affair. The more conflict you cause in the affair, the faster it will crumble.

I am getting concerned because your actions seem to have no effect whatsoever on the affairees. That is a BAD SIGN. It means you are not effectively hitting the affair. You will know you have effectively dealt a blow to the affair by the reaction. Has there been any reaction at all?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
No reaction from what I have been able to see which is one reason I am beginning to think nothing I do is going to help.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by looking_for_help
What I have wondered is why she told her family members? She really didn't "spin" the story. She did leave out his name when she told them but so far, everyone that she told had a pretty accurate summary of the story. I then filled in the details for them..

But didn't she tell them something like this: my marriage is bad so we are splitting up. And by the way, after I left I got back in contact with OM!"

that sounds much better than the truth: "I am leaving my husband and children to pursue my affair with OM."

She started the affair BEFORE she left you and it is WHY she is leaving. Is she telling these people she is leaving her husband and children to pursue her affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by looking_for_help
No reaction from what I have been able to see which is one reason I am beginning to think nothing I do is going to help.


Something is wrong..


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
What did you say to her mother about the affair? EXACTLY?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
What do you mean by something is wrong?

I'll elaborate on what I told her mother after my meeting. I'm getting kind of worried right now.

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
I actually told her mom to tell me what WW told her and then I filled in the blanks with the rest of the info. Told her that I thought WW was leaving to go back to OM.

Last edited by looking_for_help; 03/28/12 08:47 AM.
Page 11 of 59 1 2 9 10 11 12 13 58 59

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 138 guests, and 92 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,810
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5