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I am not at all concerned that your wife has not reacted to your letter. Her reaction is not that important. The important thing was for you to tell her your conditions. And yes, she may laugh or get angry or ignore it. NOW. But you will have planted the seed and as her affair dies, she will pull your list out again.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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She has not been served yet. My lawyer and I acknowledged her filing but we haven't completed mine yet. We have until early June.

I called the OM early on to tell him what would happen legally if he didn't cease contact. He understood and at that time headed for the hills. He told me and her sister that he didn't want a relationship and wouldn't be waiting on her if we ended in divorce.

Now, I really can't say if he's back in the picture physically or if he's just stayed in the picture with her emotionally. For all I know she's hooked on the idea of being single...or at least without me.

I asked the lawyer about sending the OM a letter or something and they basically said there was nothing they could do legally except subpoena him and all his information. To do that, we have to call a hearing...I think. All that legal stuff gets confusing to me. My lawyer also told me to definitely NOT contact the OM anymore. I REALLY want to just to remind him of what he should be prepared for legally.

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I thought you might say that about her reaction. Y'all told me that before. That's just my impatience getting the best of me again. Sorry.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
Now, I really can't say if he's back in the picture physically or if he's just stayed in the picture with her emotionally. For all I know she's hooked on the idea of being single...or at least without me.

Being single is not an addiction, though. She is addicted to the OM. Sometimes people can be addicted to serial cheating but there is no indication of that here. My best guess is that the affair is in full swing.


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I asked the lawyer about sending the OM a letter or something and they basically said there was nothing they could do legally except subpoena him and all his information. To do that, we have to call a hearing...I think. All that legal stuff gets confusing to me. My lawyer also told me to definitely NOT contact the OM anymore. I REALLY want to just to remind him of what he should be prepared for legally.

That would be PERFECT! You should have him subpoena the OM and force the OM to turn over all his records. Are you filing on grounds of adultery? And will your wife be served soon?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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So if I subpoena the OM we have to call a hearing. I'm not sure what calling a hearing entails or what it accomplishes in regards to the divorce process. I don't want to "rush" things to a point where we can't turn back, but I REALLY want to take some sort of action to scare him completely out of the picture.

I am filing on the grounds of adultery. I told her this quite a while back if it got to this point. So she is aware of the fact that my counter file will be on those grounds.

I'm working on the paperwork now. I didn't know if I should take the entire time that I have to legally counter file (30 days from the day I got her paperwork) so she would have time to think about things.

I'll call my lawyer tomorrow morning and find out what has to be done to subpoena the OM. If she can subpoena the OM without calling an actual hearing, that would be great! I'm just unsure of what calling a hearing will have to accomplish in legal terms. I know what WE want to accomplish. Do you know anything about the hearing?

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I was very disappointed when the lawyer told me that they couldn't send the OM a letter that basically says he needs to cease contact or legal action will be taken.

I was going to contact him again to reiterate my legal points but I was told not to do that anymore. I was very disappointed about that too.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
So if I subpoena the OM we have to call a hearing. I'm not sure what calling a hearing entails or what it accomplishes in regards to the divorce process. I don't want to "rush" things to a point where we can't turn back, but I REALLY want to take some sort of action to scare him completely out of the picture.

I find it very frustrating that I have to explain to you why it would help things to call the OM into a hearing. Can you guesss why?

And yes you do need to RUSH. You need to serve your wife and have the OM subpoenaed so they will understand that you are not going to roll over and play dead. The whole point of this exercise was to bring conflict into the affair. And that opportunity is being completely forfeited. I am not sure why.

It would be a good idea to serve your wife on grounds of adultery, have a hearing with the OM, thereby causing enormous conflict in the affair and then ........... backing off. You will have probably run off the OM, given your wife a wake up call and secured legal protection.

So....why in the world are you waiting?

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I am filing on the grounds of adultery. I told her this quite a while back if it got to this point. So she is aware of the fact that my counter file will be on those grounds.

All completely meaningless unless it is REALITY. Why in the world would she take you seriously if you don't do that?

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I'm working on the paperwork now. I didn't know if I should take the entire time that I have to legally counter file (30 days from the day I got her paperwork) so she would have time to think about things.

There is nothing for her to think about if you don't do anything. Just talking about it is not the same as doing it.

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I'll call my lawyer tomorrow morning and find out what has to be done to subpoena the OM. If she can subpoena the OM without calling an actual hearing, that would be great! I'm just unsure of what calling a hearing will have to accomplish in legal terms. I know what WE want to accomplish. Do you know anything about the hearing?

A hearing would be wonderful! The OM can be sworn in on the stand to give sworn testimony about his affair. While you watch!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I was very disappointed when the lawyer told me that they couldn't send the OM a letter that basically says he needs to cease contact or legal action will be taken.

I was going to contact him again to reiterate my legal points but I was told not to do that anymore. I was very disappointed about that too.

Again, talk is cheap. He needs to see ACTION. Threats are a waste of time with cheaters. It is the equivelence of giving your battle plans to the enemy so they can kick your [censored] more effectively.

It is better to just move in for the kill without warning.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I am filing on the grounds of adultery. I told her this quite a while back if it got to this point. So she is aware of the fact that my counter file will be on those grounds.

Empty threat.

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I was going to contact him again to reiterate my legal points....

Empty threat....

Threats do not work with a wayward. As you have learned. Your threats are not working. And will not work. Threats do not cause conflict because they are hot air.

Filing on grounds of adultery and hauling that RAT into court for a hearing is what will cause conflict.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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No, no, no Mel. You misunderstood my first quote above. I know what subpoenaing him will accomplish. I want that!

My concern/worry/fear is because I don't know this process. I don't want to do something like call the hearing or whatever and back myself into a corner where I lose the option of stopping the process. Does that make sense?

I totally understand that something needs to be done to prove I mean what I'm saying (which I whole-heartedly do mean it). I thought by her knowing I have talked to my lawyer, answered (but not agreed to) her filing and her knowing that I and my lawyer were working on my counter filing needed to "sit" with her for a short time while I work on my paperwork. I didn't realize that I needed to rush my part.

Bottom line, I guess because I don't know this process I didn't know where the "point of no return" comes in. I just didn't want to push myself there and not be able to say "I'm not signing that".

Make any more sense?

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I understand your meaning. I'm with you. I'll call my lawyer tomorrow and find out what we need to do to subpoena the POSOM.

I would LOVE to do that! Can't wait to see both their faces.

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Don't be frustrated with me. I don't have to be beaten as hard as I have been to get me on board. My "reluctance", if you want to call it that, now is that I don't know this legal process.

I just don't want to ask my lawyer to begin or do something that might force me to follow through with an actual divorce when all I meant to do at the time was take a small step.

All is good...I'm with you.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I totally understand that something needs to be done to prove I mean what I'm saying (which I whole-heartedly do mean it). I thought by her knowing I have talked to my lawyer, answered (but not agreed to) her filing and her knowing that I and my lawyer were working on my counter filing needed to "sit" with her for a short time while I work on my paperwork. I didn't realize that I needed to rush my part.

Do the tough stuff NOW and then you sit back. Otherwise it is an empty threat. She needs to see papers suing her on grounds of adultery and OM needs to be dragged into court for a hearing. THEN you drag things out........

There is not a point of no return.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I had thought of adding abandonment on there. Is that necessary, on your opnion?

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I understand your meaning. I'm with you. I'll call my lawyer tomorrow and find out what we need to do to subpoena the POSOM.

I would LOVE to do that! Can't wait to see both their faces.

You got it!! hurray Tell your attorney to move forward and after your wife and the OM are served, then start dragging things out. Remember, she works for YOU and needs to work to suit your strategy.

It takes a long time to get divorced and you can drag it out, but don't allow yourself to be fearful of divorce. That fear has a way of dictating your actions for no good reason. Even if you did get divorced, you could still REMARRY if she made some dramatic changes and met your conditions. And that would not be a horrible thing.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I had thought of adding abandonment on there. Is that necessary, on your opnion?

That would be wonderful!! Anything you use to pile on would be great. She HAS abandoned you and your children. She needs to see what life is going to be like if this goes to divorce. Don't hold back on anything when it comes to legal action. use a BIG STICK LEGALLY and then use the carrot personally. Let the lawyers use the stick instead of you as much as you can.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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So don't actually get them to court or a hearing? Just get them subpoenaed?

Sorry for the stupid questions. I just want to be sure I stay on that "very narrow path" as best I can.

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Mel,

Post back whenever you can. I need to get to bed so I can get up early in the morning to get the babies ready for their last day at school this school year. A little sad about that.

Have a great night and I hope the move is going well.

I'll be back on tomorrow and plan to contact attorney tomorrow as well.

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Night, friend! smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
So don't actually get them to court or a hearing? Just get them subpoenaed?
\
YES, actually get a hearing. You need to drag the OM into court. That is the goal. Get them into court. And after you have done that, then drag things out.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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