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LisaL77 #2641556 07/02/12 05:47 PM
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Originally Posted by LisaL77
You can text me, but please do not call. Like I said, I need to detach emotionally and I cannot do it if we are communicating.


Lisa, a text message is a form of communication!

banghead

He can threaten, plead, beg, cajole, blame, fill your lovebank or lovebust it via text.

In a true Plan B you wouldn't truly know if he was dead or alive.

He would have ZERO ways to contact you and manipulate you.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

indiegirl #2641560 07/02/12 06:01 PM
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I am working toward finding my own place, I promise you. I hear what you are saying and I understand it, I just cannot implement it immediately.

Because he has custody of DD, if his ex hears that he moved out and is not welcome here, she will petition to regain custody of my DSD, even though her husband (DSD step dad) has a rage disorder and was abusive enough to give DSD PTSD after 12 years of abuse.

She is a fractured, broken child who hates therapy but is forced to attend counseling. For now, until I can find a place...this has to do. He is very cruel, mean and angry right now and was taking it out on US. He is unfit to care for DSD alone full time. I was on the phone with his brother when he went off and his brother called him and gave him a spanking. Told him to move out and file for divorce since he wants to be single so bad.

Oh, and I am not even responding to this crap:

Lisa,

I understand that you need to detach emotionally so you might be able to forgive me and rebuild in the future, or because it will make it easier if you decide to leave me. i will text before i come home to give you advanced notice.

I am currently in a discovery phase trying understanding the scope to which i had been lied to and played with on my emotional needs. I am also trying to empathize the level of hurt i caused you at the same time. Im not discussing this with OW anymore, i needed to hear the lies. I have also been talking with some third party musicians who knew the score. They are telling me the truth. I need to hear all this in order to give it its burial and deal with my grief so i can give my family full attention. It hurts more because i hurt you. Music as important to me as it is still just a hobby, not a person.

I know i cheated and continued to lie to you, but i had to hear the lies for myself. I just did.

Im not sure of the outcome of us since i probably hurt you too much. But current time away is working at repairing my thinking and placing my anger in the proper direction (away from my family)

I really did need the solitude to think and reflect, and imagine what a life alone might be like, and im not sure thats what i want. I never really knew how much you cared about me, but now i hear you say it and i believe it. My unhappiness still comes from some unidentified place.

All that i know right now is that i hurt you badly, and hurt a lot of other people. When the dust settled i wasn't there for you the way i should have been, and previous to that as well. She certainly wasn't there for me in the end.

I do remember the passion that you and i had for each other years ago. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. So its gotta be in there somewhere like you say. I love our family, and the dogs, and our home. You and DD are all the family i got.

I will respect your space. Im very sorry.

Like I CARE that his POSOW lied to him. He promised her he would leave me for her. She promised him she would leave her BH for my WH. My WH followed through and revealed. She never did and had no intention of doing so. HA! That's what you get hooking up with a trashy gold-digger bar slut.

Last edited by LisaL77; 07/02/12 06:16 PM.

BW Me, 42
WH Him, 45
Affair began in 10/11
Married 10 years
Together 12 years
1 step-daughter, age 16
D-day 6/1/12: WH had affair w/ woman who sings in a blues band/he plays blues guitar
7/2/12 he broke promise of NC with OW & moved out
7/3/12 he expressed desire to recover
7/16/12 Things really smoothed out
LisaL77 #2641569 07/02/12 06:19 PM
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You're agreeing to a recipe for disaster. Your motives are good, but it will still wind up being more harmful for you and DSD in the long run.

How would you handle it when he refuses to leave before you're ready to come home? Which is what I would bet my bottom dollar would happen in 3 days or less. Do you stay away from your own home? Do you cave?

To make this work, you need to be the one calling the shots, not compromising with someone who wants to keep you on the abuse wagon.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Neak #2641571 07/02/12 06:23 PM
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Lisa, why don't you solve the DSD problem by calling the mother and having her come get the girl? If he is abusive and can't care for her, you can help her get primary custody. That would be best for the DSD.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Neak #2641572 07/02/12 06:27 PM
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But you know if I move out, I cannot take her with me. She is not mine, she will be stuck with her angry father who has been treating us terribly. If I stay, I cannot forbid him from entering, otherwise we could lose custody (a hard battle to win last year) and she goes right back to her capitulating mom and abusive step dad.

Right now, he is staying with his VERY elderly parents, helping them out in the process. This way, his ex wont pull the trigger on suing to reverse the custody.

Right now I love being alone. I am not committing Love Busters against WH and he is not snapping and scaring us with his anger. Really? You trusted a two-timing, gold-digging Skank who sings in a band and cheats on her husband with you? Who said she only married him so he would take care of her and her kids? Way to go, WH!


BW Me, 42
WH Him, 45
Affair began in 10/11
Married 10 years
Together 12 years
1 step-daughter, age 16
D-day 6/1/12: WH had affair w/ woman who sings in a blues band/he plays blues guitar
7/2/12 he broke promise of NC with OW & moved out
7/3/12 he expressed desire to recover
7/16/12 Things really smoothed out
MelodyLane #2641573 07/02/12 06:29 PM
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omg NOOOOOO. My DSD spent 12 years since age 4 under the care of her drunk, non-confrontational mom and abusive, loud, angry step dad. We JUST RESCUED HER FROM THIS. The kid has PTSD from it and is totally fractured and shell-shocked.

I need to stay with her. She says I am the only mom she has, and told her dad not to bring his whores around here.


BW Me, 42
WH Him, 45
Affair began in 10/11
Married 10 years
Together 12 years
1 step-daughter, age 16
D-day 6/1/12: WH had affair w/ woman who sings in a blues band/he plays blues guitar
7/2/12 he broke promise of NC with OW & moved out
7/3/12 he expressed desire to recover
7/16/12 Things really smoothed out
LisaL77 #2641575 07/02/12 06:35 PM
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Surely there are other relatives who can take her in? Because you can't stay there and stay in contact with him.

You need to find a way to remove yourself from this situation.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


LisaL77 #2641576 07/02/12 06:44 PM
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Originally Posted by LisaL77
Right now I love being alone. I am not committing Love Busters


But you will continue to meet his needs.

Don't you understand how damaging it is to meet his needs right now?


You need to get good legal advice as to how to manage the custody situation.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

LisaL77 #2641577 07/02/12 06:44 PM
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Originally Posted by LisaL77
omg NOOOOOO. My DSD spent 12 years since age 4 under the care of her drunk, non-confrontational mom and abusive, loud, angry step dad. We JUST RESCUED HER FROM THIS. The kid has PTSD from it and is totally fractured and shell-shocked.

I need to stay with her. She says I am the only mom she has, and told her dad not to bring his whores around here.
Lisa, I would call a lawyer and find out just what your options are under these circumstances. If the bio mother is completely unfit, and the father is now deemed unfit by your stepdaughter, she may just have enough say in who she wants to stay with regardless of parentage. She's 16, not 6, so I'm pretty sure any thoughts she has on her best interest would be taken under serious consideration.


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


LisaL77 #2641579 07/02/12 06:50 PM
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Originally Posted by LisaL77
My She says I am the only mom she has, and told her dad not to bring his whores around here.


But if you are both powerless to keep him out, what can she do about it?

He could bring a whole troop of skanks in tomorrow and apparently, you would both have to just take it.

If he decides OW is his true love, and you're his divorce buddy, he will simply bring her around and enforce her on the two of you.

Waywards love to daydream about the OW and BW holding hands and singing kumbaya on the high holidays. Both in love with him. Their children smiling at wayward dads happiness.

Then, after your nervous breakdown, he would simply take DSD and she would be in the care of a wayward and his ho.

Her only hope is for you to bust up the A and for that he needs to experience Plan B.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

indiegirl #2641582 07/02/12 07:03 PM
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I see my attorney 7/5, and I WILL be asking about a separation agreement that includes alimony support and him paying attorney fees. That last bit is new in NY state. With alimony, I could get a small condo and remove my two dogs and myself out.

I realize I am not fully ready to implement Plan B, but since he decided to 'move out' I thought it would be nice to severely limit his communications with me. He is driving me to a nervous breakdown and I'm tired of it. It's soooo quiet here. If I wasn't high on nerve pain drugs, I'd drink on the front porch, and watch the sun go down.

And since I did not respond to his weird excuse-making email, he sends this one:

Well goodnight. I hope you're feeling okay. Ill make this my last correspondence for awhile until you say its okay.

He might be hearing from my attorney before hearing from me. Honestly.

Last edited by LisaL77; 07/02/12 07:09 PM.

BW Me, 42
WH Him, 45
Affair began in 10/11
Married 10 years
Together 12 years
1 step-daughter, age 16
D-day 6/1/12: WH had affair w/ woman who sings in a blues band/he plays blues guitar
7/2/12 he broke promise of NC with OW & moved out
7/3/12 he expressed desire to recover
7/16/12 Things really smoothed out
LisaL77 #2641592 07/02/12 07:52 PM
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Hi LisaL77

I have a suggestion about the shotgun. Perhaps you can call the local police station and ask if it can be stored there. I'm not sure about their protocol for things like that, but if you explained the situation, they might have reason to keep it stored for you.

Or, get a gun safe and keep the key with you.


johnstwin-

"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther

Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!

johnstwin #2641619 07/02/12 10:21 PM
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You are an enabler, my friend. That's not meant as an insult, just an observation.

The worst thing about your mindset is that you consign to yourself responsibilities and tasks THAT ARE NOT YOURS, but having absorbed them, utilize them as props for your own enabling actions.

The classic type is the mother of a shiftless, unemployed child (typically a son) who is not only not working, but not seeking employment, and spending all his hours on video games or some such nonsense. Meanwhile Mom, cooks, shops, and cleans for him because otherwise "He won't be able to take care of himself!" Which is EXACTLY why she should stop.

The DSD is NOT your responsibility. Start with THAT premise, and everything else starts to align. YOU only have to provide for YOU. You are the only one needing support and care from yourself as you escape from contact with toxic WH. Get yourself out of that house, in whatever way necessary.

Your supporting DSD is enabling BH's irresponsible actions. Whether he can man up and care for her, or she must revert to her mother (with whatever that entails) cannot be your concern, and certainly cannot be part of the algebra you employ to take care of yourself. Your "tenderness" for DSD is not really doing her any good in her long-term life. Whatever good or bad environment she is to be placed in is the doing of her Father the WH, and her Mother, who made her own choices about preferring the abuser over her own child. You cannot afford those feelings right now.

She's not going to be under your care forever. Putting off the inevitable is only damaging you.

NeverGuessed #2641623 07/02/12 10:35 PM
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Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
The worst thing about your mindset is that you consign to yourself responsibilities and tasks THAT ARE NOT YOURS, but having absorbed them, utilize them as props for your own enabling actions.


laugh nodding in agreement ......


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2641628 07/02/12 11:00 PM
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Unless you can establish a custody claim to her. That would allow you to have her, and still move out. Step-parents in your type of sitch may have more parental rights than they realize.

If you're not willing to hand the responsibility of DSD over to WH, then fight for her and get your legal rights established. Keeping the status quo just isn't an option. You'll have a breakdown, possibly even be declared unfit, and then where will DSD be?


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Neak #2641683 07/03/12 07:24 AM
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You guys are dead on. I have the most unrespectable Plan B going. I see my attorney 7/5 at 3:00. I need to know what I am entitled to regarding alimony.

I am going over in my mind who I want my IM to be and I think my former neighbor (retired pastor) is a good choice. I will contact him tonight. I need tips and training on IM process so I can provide the limits to him. Child care, household, finances and separation/divorce topics only?

My mortgate pre-qualification is still in process. I will start getting moving boxes.

Never Guessed, it breaks my heart to ditch my DSD. But I hear you and the information has penetrated.

johnstwin, I am going to put that stupid shotgun back in his closet. He is an adult and needs to be responsible for himself

Last edited by LisaL77; 07/03/12 07:28 AM.

BW Me, 42
WH Him, 45
Affair began in 10/11
Married 10 years
Together 12 years
1 step-daughter, age 16
D-day 6/1/12: WH had affair w/ woman who sings in a blues band/he plays blues guitar
7/2/12 he broke promise of NC with OW & moved out
7/3/12 he expressed desire to recover
7/16/12 Things really smoothed out
LisaL77 #2641690 07/03/12 07:38 AM
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Originally Posted by LisaL77
I am going over in my mind who I want my IM to be and I think my former neighbor (retired pastor) is a good choice. I will contact him tonight. I need tips and training on IM process so I can provide the limits to him.

He sounds like a great choice. If he is agreeable, send him this link

IM Training School


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

indiegirl #2641697 07/03/12 07:57 AM
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THANK YOU FOR THE LINK!

Here comes the blizzard of texts!

I miss you I dont want anything to do with her

Im sorry

I will give my full commitment to working this out

I have been a fool
and played for one

I will write the email today and let you read it

You can go to verizon account and change the password to something only you know.

I'll make a family facebook (as opposed to your "Single Hip Guy" one?? Sorry, unfair judgment there)

and I want to try couples counseling again

Im so sorry


WHATEVER.

Last edited by LisaL77; 07/03/12 07:58 AM.

BW Me, 42
WH Him, 45
Affair began in 10/11
Married 10 years
Together 12 years
1 step-daughter, age 16
D-day 6/1/12: WH had affair w/ woman who sings in a blues band/he plays blues guitar
7/2/12 he broke promise of NC with OW & moved out
7/3/12 he expressed desire to recover
7/16/12 Things really smoothed out
indiegirl #2641698 07/03/12 08:00 AM
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Lisa, I haven't posted to you before. I have caught up on your PB prep.

Do you know what the laws are for 16 YO's on your state? Where I live, 16 YO's can live on their own, so I wonder if she can choose where she wants to live.

When you are more prepared for a full on PB then you will re-send the PBL, and get dark. You'll need to block all avenues for contact from your WH.

I understand that you want to protect your DSD, thing is, right now, YOU need protecting from your WH.

Don't pull the trigger on PB until you are FULLY prepared and don't send that PBL until the moment you are ready.



BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Scotland #2641704 07/03/12 08:13 AM
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Lisa, in the meantime do not respond to any of his texts.
You are in plan A until you have your IM.
The atty should give you good advice regarding the house, temporary spousal support, etc.
It is extremely important that you document and let the atty know about the husbands threats to comit suicide etc. because that may enable the atty to get a restraining order against your husband from returning to the house.

If he does it again call The police

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