We just went to Barnes and Noble, they were out... Go figure! Heading to dinner, will order online when I get home...

I am stunned. Do you control the conversations in the rest of your life this way?? You are in danger of losing the best MB peer that you can have, and you do this??? Are you a controlling person? That you are actually attempting to direct a peer in how to respond to you??

You need to yank up your Big Girl Panties and LISTEN like a big girl. This isn't the old days of watching marriages fail right and left while everyone schmoozed everyone else and talked about recipes.

You have work to do. The first item on your To Do List is to SHUT UP, LISTEN, STOP TRYING TO CONTROL THE PROCESS AND LEARN. It helps no one but you. MelodyLane doesn't get paid to post to your thread.


For crying out loud.

Mrs WLD,

Ending lovebusters will get you immediate improvement. It is hard to love/like each other when you are tearing into each other. Mel has laid out an excellent way to start.

Did I miss something from an earlier post? Is your husband on board?

AM

AM,
I don't think you have missed something... Yes H is on board. I am just hurt that once again we are HERE... Tired of feeling like I'm the only one working on things...

ML...
Thanks... Working on it... I am listening...

Just downloaded the questionnaires and am ordering the books. H leaves for business trip Tuesday morning and will be gone through the week. When he returns, I will be gone for 2 days. I feel very angry right now and am afraid to talk about anything!!! I don't WANT to LB, but not sure I can control myself right now...

OH! I ALSO ordered the book for counselors to give to ours so that SHE is on the same page as well...

controlling yourself is something you CAN do, and you can make that number 1 on your list!

it sounds like you both have travelling jobs? that's hard on a M. when do you get your UA time?

We don't usually travel, he goes about 5-6 times a year. I am usually not going anywhere, this is a fluke that we are scheduled this way.

As far as when do we get or UA time...?? We currently don't make time for that. (See... I OWNED that...!!) We are in conflict, yes, but I have feelings of withdrawal as well. I had no idea, but since I first came out here just 2 short days ago, I have been doing MAJOR soul searching and have opened my eyes to just how bad things are...

*******PLEASE KEEP THIS IN MIND BEFORE YOU CRITICIZE ME********

I am currently undergoing a change in medication. I am very quick to anger and tears and have been for the last two weeks. Today I should hear from the doctor's office about an additional medication. Clinical chronic depression, ADD, OCD... all of it runs in my family, on both sides, for generations back. As far back as the abuse goes...

THIS IS NOT A CRUTCH FOR ME, I am simply putting it here because if any of you understand what these illnesses are like, then you will understand the "whys" of some of our actions. I believe that my H is also depressed (as it runs in his family as well), he has ADD and he has anger issues. To his credit, he has done a lot to control his anger over the past few years.

however... THAT ^^ is one thing that contributes to my feelings of fighting all by myself to make this marriage work. I feel like the thermometer... if my reading gets too high, then it is time to do something about it. :'( I need HIM to recognize it as well... I have said this too him before and like always, he works on things for awhile then once the skies clear up, I have the responsibility again.

So, this morning, I see myself as an enabler (TAKING the responsibility and sacrificing myself to avoid tension). I have done this is some fashion for years, I'm going to say 2 to be accurate. My "taker's" feeling are so strong!!! This weekend has been a blessing in disguise. I had simply forgotten all of this... I am so glad that I am back and that H is already aware of MB and the good it did for us once...

I have a long day of work and an MRI after, there won't be much time to talk to H tonite. However, my intention is to do the Marital Problem Analysis this evening, and ask him to do his. Please ML, confirm that this is just "information gathering" for both of us and that we are only supposed to accept each other's answers. He knows that I ordered our books so tonight I THINK I want to tell him just how bad I see things... or do I just do the questionnaire...??? I can see that if I follow up the questionnaire with conversation about it, that could lead to LB and/or AO on both our parts... So do I NOT talk about it?!?

I have access to this forum on my phone and will check back periodically...

Thanks!! Especially to ML for not turning your back on my tantrum.

Mrs WLD,

UA time is hugely important - maybe most important if you can avoid lovebusting during the UA time. Take a few minutes once a week (Dr. Harley always says at Sunday at 3PM) and schedule your week. There should be a minimum of 15 hours of UA time (more if things aren't going well in the marriage) and 15 hours of family commitment time with your children (do you still have kids at home?) I am guessing your son is an older teen. Getting teens to participate in family time is difficult, especially if they have not been doing it all along.

The UA time should be spent meeting each other's more intimate emotional needs, typically affection, intimate conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. Schedule all of it. The workbook, "Five Steps to Romantic Love" has a worksheet that can be used to schedule the UA time as well as a graph for tracking. There are many, many posters here who note that whenever their UA time drops, they feel less connected and unhappy in the marriage.

Do these two things (eliminate the lovebusters and spend at least 15 hours a week UA) and much of your depresson and anger may be relieved. Being happy in your marriage will make you both happier people.

AM

Yes, this is just information gathering right now. Ask him to be radically honest on his paper and you must also agree to be radically honest. [but not by making disrespectful judgments!]

Then come back here and tell us what you each had to say.

Will your husband go through the Lovebusters assignment with you?

Did you know the #1 cause of depression in women is a bad marriage? Women who are happy in a romantic marriage are not depressed.

This is the SECRET to Marriage Builders. It is the magic bullet that changes marriages. The worksheet for UA time is in the workbook and it should be scheduled out as ArmyMama described.

Ok, quick update before I go home (waiting on my MRI). I called H as I left work to say hi, check in... Old habit from "back in the day" of 10 years ago that I DIDN'T lose... Reminded him of my appointment now. I told him that I spent all of my free time this past weekend on HERE and that I now realize that WE have a Lot of work to do. I told him that I would like us to jump back on board here and I told him where I left the.... Marriage questionairre thingy... The first one ML said to do. I asked him to fill one out, to be brutally honest and not worry about hurting my feelings; I promised that I wouldn't get hurt or mad, that I recognize these questions to be information gathering only!! He said ok; I then asked the same of him. I told him that I ordered us two books, one for each of us, and told him about the highlighters and the work we have laid out for us. I told him that ML has started our process and that I really want to commit.... He didn't say anything...

Crap they called me....

We have two beautiful daughters, 16 and 18. SO much of our time these past four years have revolved around them. We are very involved in school functions, I'm sure a little too much, as in, we sacrifice our UA time for it. Our girls very much like to be around us, we are blessed to be "that family" where all their friends like to hang with us.. LOL Our girls tell us they are lucky to have parents like us and when they see lack of discipline in other kids/families, they THANK us for raising them the way we have done. We are blessed with both of them...

Yes, as parents we ROCK!!!!!!

I read this today during my lunch. At first I was thinking.. OMG... WHAT will we talk about/do?!? I was almost dreading it. Then by the time I was finished with the phone call before my MRI, I could see a possibility that it won't "be so bad"... LOL

I found myself deciding to hold my tongue today with a snappy comeback to his hurtful tone... yay!

I don't feel anymore like I need to avoid conversation lest I blow up... He certainly seems agreeable to all of this. Tomorrow he goes away and I won't see him until Sunday. I will be here, reading and learning...

Mrs WLD,

You sound as if you have great kids. Sorry, I inferred that one of the girls was a boy. Poor reading comprehension. Certainly, you and H have excelled at family commitment. Also, they are old enough that you don't have babysitter issues. You and H can go out on dates anytime you plan one.

OK, I think this might sting a bit. Telling your husband you want him to post on the board, read the books, highlight in them, fill out the questionnaire etc is a selfish demand. People don't like it when they are bossed around by their spouse, or anybody for that matter. Thoughtful requests work much better.

Also, once again, you acted independently, without negotiating with your husband about his wishes. Working MB is a good goal, but ordering all the books first is independent behavior nonetheless. Practice POJA. POJA everything. I think Mel already posted about lettuce negotiation and early on, my H and I negotiated who to vote for on "America's Got Talent". Now, we negotiate everything.


Regarding conversation: My H had an affair. At the beginning of working the MB workbooks, our conversation was limited to the weather and the dog. But, after a short period of time, we began to laugh again and actually enjoy each other's company. I think it was easier to wrap the conversation around the recreational companionship. In the beginning, we would walk the dog (RC), hold hands (affection), talk (IC), and kiss in the woods (ok, not actual SF).

AM

AM,
Nope didn't sting... Just felt stupid for not seek g the obvious!! This morning I printed out the POJA and all associated links... Stapled it all together, included the love busters questionairre, and approached him. I asked him if he agrees with the fundamentals of MB. He said yes. I asked if he thought we could repair our relationship by utilizing the program, he said yes (in a non- direct way that hurt and I ignored it), I then told him what I had printed out and ASKED him if I could give it to him to read on his flight today. He said yes. I pointed out that the ideas I had printed were based on advice I got here on how/where to begin. I concluded with asking him if he thinks he could have the packet read and the questionairre filled out by the time he for home and he said yes, with a Smile.

Okay I am pissed off!!!!!! I just had to leave for work, I asked H what he would be doing doing his down time in Chicago. He replied with probably going out to dinner and happy hour with his coworkers. I politely asked him to not spend as much time with his coworkers as he does spending time working on marriage builders concepts i.e. the questionnaire and reading the materials that he agreed it was alright for me to give to him. He replied with I will not do that, the social aspect of this convention is very important to how I do my work. So he said "I can't do that" I asked him you can't do that, or you won't do that? He said I won't do that. I will not promise you that that will happen. He then asked me if I understood why he needed to socialize, I replied with no I don't really understand. He answered, "well I'm sorry you feel that way." this is a HUGE trigger for me... To be apologized to in that fashion... We have talked several times about that fashion of apologizing, I have explained to him that that is not a sincere apology to me that that is very patronizing to me. How can he be sorry for my feelings???? Especially when he's the one that hurt them?? He doesn't apologize for hurting my feelings, just for the fact that I don't f&;@...
I am driving to work right now using Siri on my iPhone and I am shaking.....