I will post those ASAP... I wanted to get off last night so we could work on our books... Empty house for the evening, it was a rarity!!

Great news. You and your H sound excited to get back on track.

Dr Harley and Joyce talk frequently about how many conflicts they have each day. The conflicts come up all the time. However, the Harley's are adept at conflict resolution and negotiation. They resolve their conflicts in minutes.

Hope you are doing some reading in "Lovebusters".

AM

These are our answers: H's first

2's
Affection
SF
IC
AO

3's
Recreational Companionship
Physical Attractiveness
Domestic Support
Admiration
Disrespectful Judgements
Annoying Habits

4's
Honesty and Openness
Financial Support
Family Commitment
Selfish Demands
Dishonesty
IB

His goal is to create a lifestyle that is fulfilling for both of us and he thinks that if he achieved that goal the other two would be easy.

My answers:

2's
SF
Honesty and OPenness
Family Commitment
Disrespectful Judgements
Independent Behavior

3's
Affection
Intimate Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Physical Attractiveness
Domestic Support
Selfish Demands
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits

4's
Financial Support
Admiration
Dishonesty

My goal is to avoid being each other's source of unhappiness and if we could do that the other two would be easy.

I'm not sure that H has seen my answers, although I am not hiding them. Do we talk about them...?? We haven't done the LB questionnaires yet, it said we need to read through chapter 8...

There is alot of good stuff here! The top 3 needs can be resolved by scheduling UA time and focusing on meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation and recreational companionship. MEeting those 4 needs will make the greatest love bank deposits.

Since you both cite AO's and DJ's as your most serious lovebusters, I would focus on those chapters this week. You don't want your UA time to be ruined by lovebusters.



Its interesting that you only have ONE intimate emotional need in your top 5. That might be because you are emotionally detached from him. When that happens, one tends to place a higher value on the non intimate ENs like FC and Openness and honesty.

What is the issue with Physical appearance? You both list this as "sometimes disappointing."

My suggestion would be to schedule out at least 20 hours of undivided attention time for next Sunday through Saturday. Get in as much as you can for this week, but next week can be your first full week. The bulk of that UA time should be scheduled out of the home, for example, 4 - 4 hour dates. Can you do that?

Dress nicely and let your spouse help choose your outfit - and vice versa. Write out the dates, times and planned activities. Plan on meeting all 4 intimate EN's during these evenings.

I would also jump to the lesson on Angry Outbursts in Chapter 5. You absolutely HAVE TO eliminate them because every time one of you has an AO, it causes massive withdrawals. It will undo anything good you have achieved. That is where I would really focus.

If either of you can't get your AO's under control, you really need to consider taking an anger managment class.

Mrs WLD,

Good stuff. Mel is absolutely correct. UA time is not fun if you are having AOs during the time you are spending together. Eliminate AOs first, DJs and SDs. The SDs and DJs escalate into the AOs.

AM

Some key points about UA time:

1. make sure you both enthusiastically agree about the activities - no capitulation or compromise! You must both like the plan

2. agree to keep your conversation PLEASANT and SAFE. Avoid talking about your relationship problems. Be pleasant and smile

3. change your clothes and look and smell your best!

4. absolutely no lovebusters!

AM is right. An angry outburst can RUIN the entire evening! And this means AO's at other drivers, other people, etc. The last time my H had an AO at other drivers, I just told him to take me home because I didn't want to be around him when he did that. It upset me alot! That was in 2007 and I can count his AO's since then on 2 fingers.

Even BEING angry and holding it in and wreck an evening, so neither one of you should go there.

Capitulation can also ruin an evening. I got my H to agree to go to this fancy Italian restaurant once [I worked him over! ] and I paid dearly!! He fussed at traffic the whole way there and then found fault in everything about the restaurant. So it must be an enthusiastic agreement rather than a reluctant agreement.

Interesting thought that AO's aren't only directed towards H...

Exactly.

We have friends, the couple who preach that "it is not healthy to hold your anger back" .

To them this "principle" means that just burst it out. Most commonly it means that the one who happens to be the closest at the moment, usually their spouse, is the one who gets the worst part of it.

Angry people tend to consider everyone as idiots, morons, etc. Anybody who is driving in front of them or working with them or tending them, is an imbecile... It took me a while to understand that, for example, a road rage - even if it is not directed to me or my spouse personally - is the same AO as any other.

Please help...

How do I nicely say that something H does hurts my feelings? If the kids do/tell him something, something that should be shared... fr example my younger D came home sick today from school and my older D went to a friends house after school. H knew about these things and I have asked him previously to keep me posted on these kinds of things. This is the kind of thing that, for ME, is a huge LB, I listed it on my marital questionnaire in the family commitment section. This hurts a lot when he does this... I have asked him nicely to do this in the past, even given him examples of things i would like to be informed about... I certainly don't expect to be told EVERYTHING that the girls talk to him about... But certainly these two things were important. He apologized, said he "meant to" tell me... but I get that a lot... I am sad and don't know what to do. We are making progress in our books, I am avoiding LB and IB, PJOA'ing all the time, as is he... but this hurts. How do I talk about it??

You did talk about it. You did the right thing in telling him this upset you. Now, just drop it.

Mel,
This time I didn't say anything to him because I was afraid that I would LB or DR... do you mean because I have said something in the past...?

Just remind him to please tell you in the future.

alright, thank you.

Had a really good talk the other night, PJOA'ing about the tattoo. Nothing settled, we agreed we should stop talking about it. Afterwards I told him how nice it was to just be able to talk without being afraid of him getting mad. I stayed calm and pleasant ( I asked him if I did to be sure!! ) and then we went on to work on our books. We both kept thinking of our conversation and both came to the conclusion that we are trying to tackle something too big for us at the moment. The tattoo is equally emotional for us, on different ends of the spectrum. He recognized that it is a problem for me! YAY!!! I had a grreat day yesterday because we actually TALKED the night before and I was sure to tell him that!!!

You did so good!! That is great that you were able to put it aside without lovebusters. You did the right thing in putting it off until later. Later, you will be more skilled at negotiating.

Might be time to start scheduling some undivided attention time. Did you get the workbook?

Dang it!! I KNEW I was forgetting something....

Just placed my order for the workbook...

Did I hear a certain somebody's email on the radio show last Friday?? Here is the link, go to 12:32 here