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I will post those ASAP... I wanted to get off last night so we could work on our books... Empty house for the evening, it was a rarity!!
Weez Oh, so you dug way, way, deep down in your heart and found the love still there!?! Our 7 year old upon hearing that we weren't getting a divorce
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Great news. You and your H sound excited to get back on track.
Dr Harley and Joyce talk frequently about how many conflicts they have each day. The conflicts come up all the time. However, the Harley's are adept at conflict resolution and negotiation. They resolve their conflicts in minutes.
Hope you are doing some reading in "Lovebusters".
AM
BW - 70 WH - 65 M - 35 years D-day - 17 Apr 08 H broke contact 11/1/09 Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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These are our answers: H's first
2's Affection SF IC AO
3's Recreational Companionship Physical Attractiveness Domestic Support Admiration Disrespectful Judgements Annoying Habits
4's Honesty and Openness Financial Support Family Commitment Selfish Demands Dishonesty IB
His goal is to create a lifestyle that is fulfilling for both of us and he thinks that if he achieved that goal the other two would be easy.
My answers:
2's SF Honesty and OPenness Family Commitment Disrespectful Judgements Independent Behavior
3's Affection Intimate Conversation Recreational Companionship Physical Attractiveness Domestic Support Selfish Demands Angry Outbursts Annoying Habits
4's Financial Support Admiration Dishonesty
My goal is to avoid being each other's source of unhappiness and if we could do that the other two would be easy.
I'm not sure that H has seen my answers, although I am not hiding them. Do we talk about them...?? We haven't done the LB questionnaires yet, it said we need to read through chapter 8...
Weez Oh, so you dug way, way, deep down in your heart and found the love still there!?! Our 7 year old upon hearing that we weren't getting a divorce
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H's first
2's [serious, but not enough to threaten our marriage unless resolved] Affection SF IC AO
3's [sometimes disappointing, but not a serious problem] Recreational Companionship Physical Attractiveness Domestic Support Admiration Disrespectful Judgements Annoying Habits There is alot of good stuff here! The top 3 needs can be resolved by scheduling UA time and focusing on meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation and recreational companionship. MEeting those 4 needs will make the greatest love bank deposits. Since you both cite AO's and DJ's as your most serious lovebusters, I would focus on those chapters this week. You don't want your UA time to be ruined by lovebusters. My answers:
2's SF Honesty and OPenness Family Commitment Disrespectful Judgements Independent Behavior
3's Affection Intimate Conversation Recreational Companionship Physical Attractiveness Domestic Support Selfish Demands Angry Outbursts Annoying Habits Its interesting that you only have ONE intimate emotional need in your top 5. That might be because you are emotionally detached from him. When that happens, one tends to place a higher value on the non intimate ENs like FC and Openness and honesty. What is the issue with Physical appearance? You both list this as "sometimes disappointing." My suggestion would be to schedule out at least 20 hours of undivided attention time for next Sunday through Saturday. Get in as much as you can for this week, but next week can be your first full week. The bulk of that UA time should be scheduled out of the home, for example, 4 - 4 hour dates. Can you do that? Dress nicely and let your spouse help choose your outfit - and vice versa. Write out the dates, times and planned activities. Plan on meeting all 4 intimate EN's during these evenings. I would also jump to the lesson on Angry Outbursts in Chapter 5. You absolutely HAVE TO eliminate them because every time one of you has an AO, it causes massive withdrawals. It will undo anything good you have achieved. That is where I would really focus. If either of you can't get your AO's under control, you really need to consider taking an anger managment class.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mrs WLD,
Good stuff. Mel is absolutely correct. UA time is not fun if you are having AOs during the time you are spending together. Eliminate AOs first, DJs and SDs. The SDs and DJs escalate into the AOs.
AM
BW - 70 WH - 65 M - 35 years D-day - 17 Apr 08 H broke contact 11/1/09 Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Some key points about UA time:
1. make sure you both enthusiastically agree about the activities - no capitulation or compromise! You must both like the plan
2. agree to keep your conversation PLEASANT and SAFE. Avoid talking about your relationship problems. Be pleasant and smile
3. change your clothes and look and smell your best!
4. absolutely no lovebusters!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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UA time is not fun if you are having AOs during the time you are spending together. Eliminate AOs first, DJs and SDs. AM is right. An angry outburst can RUIN the entire evening! And this means AO's at other drivers, other people, etc. The last time my H had an AO at other drivers, I just told him to take me home because I didn't want to be around him when he did that. It upset me alot! That was in 2007 and I can count his AO's since then on 2 fingers. Even BEING angry and holding it in and wreck an evening, so neither one of you should go there. Capitulation can also ruin an evening. I got my H to agree to go to this fancy Italian restaurant once [I worked him over! ] and I paid dearly!! He fussed at traffic the whole way there and then found fault in everything about the restaurant. So it must be an enthusiastic agreement rather than a reluctant agreement.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Interesting thought that AO's aren't only directed towards H...
Weez Oh, so you dug way, way, deep down in your heart and found the love still there!?! Our 7 year old upon hearing that we weren't getting a divorce
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Exactly. We have friends, the couple who preach that "it is not healthy to hold your anger back" . To them this "principle" means that just burst it out. Most commonly it means that the one who happens to be the closest at the moment, usually their spouse, is the one who gets the worst part of it. Angry people tend to consider everyone as idiots, morons, etc. Anybody who is driving in front of them or working with them or tending them, is an imbecile... It took me a while to understand that, for example, a road rage - even if it is not directed to me or my spouse personally - is the same AO as any other.
Last edited by Mrs_Recon6mo; 08/23/12 02:08 PM.
Me, FWW: 43 Mr_Recon6mo, FWH: 44 DD20 and DS23 3 cats Married 23 years, together 24 Divorcing
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Please help... How do I nicely say that something H does hurts my feelings? If the kids do/tell him something, something that should be shared... fr example my younger D came home sick today from school and my older D went to a friends house after school. H knew about these things and I have asked him previously to keep me posted on these kinds of things. This is the kind of thing that, for ME, is a huge LB, I listed it on my marital questionnaire in the family commitment section. This hurts a lot when he does this... I have asked him nicely to do this in the past, even given him examples of things i would like to be informed about... I certainly don't expect to be told EVERYTHING that the girls talk to him about... But certainly these two things were important. He apologized, said he "meant to" tell me... but I get that a lot... I am sad and don't know what to do. We are making progress in our books, I am avoiding LB and IB, PJOA'ing all the time, as is he... but this hurts. How do I talk about it??
Weez Oh, so you dug way, way, deep down in your heart and found the love still there!?! Our 7 year old upon hearing that we weren't getting a divorce
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I am avoiding LB and IB, PJOA'ing all the time, as is he... but this hurts. How do I talk about it?? You did talk about it. You did the right thing in telling him this upset you. Now, just drop it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mel, This time I didn't say anything to him because I was afraid that I would LB or DR... do you mean because I have said something in the past...?
Weez Oh, so you dug way, way, deep down in your heart and found the love still there!?! Our 7 year old upon hearing that we weren't getting a divorce
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Just remind him to please tell you in the future.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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alright, thank you. Had a really good talk the other night, PJOA'ing about the tattoo. Nothing settled, we agreed we should stop talking about it. Afterwards I told him how nice it was to just be able to talk without being afraid of him getting mad. I stayed calm and pleasant ( I asked him if I did to be sure!! ) and then we went on to work on our books. We both kept thinking of our conversation and both came to the conclusion that we are trying to tackle something too big for us at the moment. The tattoo is equally emotional for us, on different ends of the spectrum. He recognized that it is a problem for me! YAY!!! I had a grreat day yesterday because we actually TALKED the night before and I was sure to tell him that!!!
Weez Oh, so you dug way, way, deep down in your heart and found the love still there!?! Our 7 year old upon hearing that we weren't getting a divorce
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You did so good!! That is great that you were able to put it aside without lovebusters. You did the right thing in putting it off until later. Later, you will be more skilled at negotiating.
Might be time to start scheduling some undivided attention time. Did you get the workbook?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Dang it!! I KNEW I was forgetting something....
Weez Oh, so you dug way, way, deep down in your heart and found the love still there!?! Our 7 year old upon hearing that we weren't getting a divorce
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Just placed my order for the workbook...
Weez Oh, so you dug way, way, deep down in your heart and found the love still there!?! Our 7 year old upon hearing that we weren't getting a divorce
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Did I hear a certain somebody's email on the radio show last Friday?? Here is the link, go to 12:32 here
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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