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You need to expose this affair. You need to expose it today.write a letter to the school board and principal.
TODAY

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mrkie,

Please take ALL their advice on exposure and no contact; ALL THEIR ADVICE PERIOD!! When I suspected my W was having an affair, I didn't know about this site. I exposed what I did know to very few people to avoid embarrassment in our small town. It didn't work. While I did demand no contact, I didn't demand a no contact letter. My W continued lying and the relationship (in one form or another) with the OM for almost 7 more years. Now our marriage/relationship is a huge mess. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE ON THIS SITE!!

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Originally Posted by mrkie
She has been without contact for a couple weeks now because she doesn't want him to get fired. I agree the NC is needed, and she agrees she needs to take steps to repair marriage, but says she isn't ready for any steps yet. I can continue Plan A for a while and try to fill her love bank.

Does she still see him at your kid's school events?


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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HDW - This has already been widely exposed both sides. Principal even told my wife she'd be trespassing if she set foot anywhere on school campus outside of office! OM is not at school on administrative leave. I agree if she refuses NC, she is still having the affair, although at this time it is an emotional affair.

BrainHurts - No, the kids sports ended last May, so she doesn't see him at any school events.

I am following what I read from this site for Plan A, to set a 6 month time limit, and then if there is no improvement turn her loose with nothing but memories of love and kindness left behind.


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...she agrees she needs to take steps to repair marriage, but says she isn't ready for any steps yet.

Uhhh, dude, I think you've misplaced your man-marbles!

The wording in your note really means:

...she SAYS she needs to take steps to repair marriage, but she plans to delay and distract me long enough to renew her affair.

and what you should have been able to report is:

..she agrees she needs to take steps to repair marriage, and I told her she has until tomorrow to write the NCL as her first step, or I'll be contacting a lawyer and filing for divorce on the basis of adultery Monday.

You can't Plan A her at this time, friend, because the affair is NOT dead, at least in her squirrelly WW mind.

Let's make a bet: The clock starts now. You go ahead and "reason" with her into composing the NCL, and we'll time her! The over/under is "frickin' never". I'll take the "over".

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If she refuses the no contact letter it is an active affair.
That is the first sign that the affair has not ended.
Did you also expose to your son?

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Did you expose to your children?


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I hate to do this, but some active and persuasive voices on this thread are giving confusing and conflicting advice.

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You can't Plan A her at this time, friend, because the affair is NOT dead, at least in her squirrelly WW mind.

This is NOT what Dr. Harley says in "Surviving an Affair" and on this site:

Dr. Harley:

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If exposure itself doesn't end the affair immediately, my advice regarding what to do next is usually different for husbands and wives. I encourage husbands to try to stick to avoiding arguments and meeting their unfaithful wives' basic needs (Plan A) as long as possible (six months to a year).

Read this whole article (actually ch. 13 from HNHN's):

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8001_affair.html

From the way I read it, there are three steps that can be used to break up an affair when the WS is unwilling. The first step is exposure, then plan A, and finally plan B. All of these are strategies to end the affair.

RECOVERY cannot begin until the affair is over and no contact has been established for life. RECOVERY is different from plan A, it begins when both spouses are enthusiastically implementing all MB's principles into their relationship.

But yes, you can be in plan A when there is an active affair, in fact that is what it was designed for.

Last edited by schtoop; 09/28/12 12:01 PM.
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From what I've seen, mrkie has followed the proper steps, including a direct hit with exposure to OM's school and principal, and now is going to a strong plan A as Dr. Harley recommends.

And yet some are still telling him he is doing it wrong. No wonder new posters get confused!

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schtoop - thanks so much for confirming. I read Dr. Harley's article as well and was using that as my guide.

Yes, exposure was also to our 4 children, first to the 15yr old boy, then to the 13yr old girl, then to the 11yr old boy & 8yr old girl together. So my wife had to go through telling it 3 times and watching their hearts break. Our 11yr old boy now has suicidal tendencies and is soon going for professional help. frown My wife is taking him so she can explain to the Dr. and show him the letter and graphic picture my son wrote to her.

I need Plan A support - keep strong/confident, no love busters, and struggle to push out angry thoughts that would only cause more conflict.


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The first step is exposure, then plan A,

Fair enough, schtoop, no argument. The problem is that the Plan A I see here is another "stickless wonder", so in effect it translates into Plan Doormat (or Plan Cake-baker, your choice.)

She must be made aware that HE has the "Get Out Of Marriage Free" card, and is willing to use it, unless/until the affair is killed dead, with an NCL stake through its unnatural heart.

I'll agree (somewhat wistfully) that my "two day" deadline might have been a bit aggressive, but it was to make a point. When the BH has his foot on the throat of the affair, that is NOT the time to start playing fair.

Woman find men that are decisive and resolute attractive and desirable (so I've been told by my bride, and Melody Lane). BE THAT GUY is all that is being advocated here. "Whenever you get around to it, in your sweet time, and when you feel as 'one' with the NCL, sweetums," is NOT the model of the underlined characteristics.

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Originally Posted by mrkie
Our 11yr old boy now has suicidal tendencies and is soon going for professional help. frown My wife is taking him so she can explain to the Dr. and show him the letter and graphic picture my son wrote to her.

Wow.

So she drives your son to suicidal tendencies and now gets to drive him to the doctor for treatment? That'd be a big "Hell No!" in my book. You need to go to that appointment as well. By herself, she'll downplay all of it to save her own skin to the detriment of your son's health. Without the true story, no medical personnel can adequately treat anything.

That you didn't completely blow your top with your WW upon learning of your son's thoughts is odd. She cheats on you, drives your son into a mental anguish and, well, what's the result? What is the consequence?

How have you verified NC? Keylogger, spyware on cell? Anything?

Your WW, it seems, believes that she has all of the time in the world to, maybe, stop the adultery. You would do well by informing her otherwise before you lose your momentum.

Last edited by Northwood8900; 09/28/12 01:25 PM.

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Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
"stickless wonder"

Hopefully, not for long.


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Originally Posted by Northwood8900
Originally Posted by mrkie
Our 11yr old boy now has suicidal tendencies and is soon going for professional help. frown My wife is taking him so she can explain to the Dr. and show him the letter and graphic picture my son wrote to her.

Wow.

So she drives your son to suicidal tendencies and now gets to drive him to the doctor for treatment? That'd be a big "Hell No!" in my book. You need to go to that appointment as well. By herself, she'll downplay all of it to save her own skin to the detriment of your son's health. Without the true story, no medical personnel can adequately treat anything.

That you didn't completely blow your top with your WW upon learning of your son's thoughts is odd. She cheats on you, drives your son into a mental anguish and, well, what's the result? What is the consequence?

How have you verified NC? Keylogger, spyware on cell? Anything?

Your WW, it seems, believes that she has all of the time in the world to, maybe, stop the adultery. You would do well by informing her otherwise before you lose your momentum.

x2

No way would I trust WW with a counselor. She could easily play it as "See what my horrible H did to our son" and all other sorts of spin. That is the LAST thing you need...some touchy feely counselor being sucked in to how horrible you are as a husband and father because you shouldn't have exposed, blah, blah puke I would strongly suggest you be present during these consults.

ETA: I would also talk to your boy privately about his anger and feelings.

Last edited by black_raven; 09/28/12 01:49 PM.

BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by mrkie
schtoop - thanks so much for confirming. I read Dr. Harley's article as well and was using that as my guide.

Yes, exposure was also to our 4 children, first to the 15yr old boy, then to the 13yr old girl, then to the 11yr old boy & 8yr old girl together. So my wife had to go through telling it 3 times and watching their hearts break. Our 11yr old boy now has suicidal tendencies and is soon going for professional help. frown My wife is taking him so she can explain to the Dr. and show him the letter and graphic picture my son wrote to her.

I need Plan A support - keep strong/confident, no love busters, and struggle to push out angry thoughts that would only cause more conflict.


So sorry for this. You will be going to the appointment with your son, correct? Was the OM his coach or one of your other DS?

Have you talked with your DS11 yourself? What does he say?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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mrkie Offline OP
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I am seeing the same Dr. the day before to give him the full story, show him my wife's letter, tell him about my son's behavior, tell him how my wife has been brainwashed by the OM into minimizing any impact.

The problem is that if I go with my son, she will opt out. I was hoping that her taking him the following day and talking to the Dr. would also open up the door for her to also get help at some point. She really needs help with issues from before the affair (rising independence/claustrophobia with marriage)

No the OM was not his coach.

Yes, I talk with all of my children one on one daily. My DS11 generally says he is so impatient and frustrated that there's nothing he can do to fix the situation. He wrote a very harsh letter to my wife with a picture of him stabbing himself, and has talked about doing that on several occasions. He's fine most of the time, but once a week hits that low spot right before bed and fortunately I detect it and we talk through it.


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Are you on ADs?

So the OM didn't lose his job?

You've verified 100% NC between your WW and OM?

What are her top ENs? How are you doing with meeting them?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by mrkie
I am seeing the same Dr. the day before to give him the full story, show him my wife's letter, tell him about my son's behavior, tell him how my wife has been brainwashed by the OM into minimizing any impact.

I know your Dday is recent and this is a hard pill for a BS to swallow but the sooner you accept this, the better...no OP brainwashes a WS. That is BS denial.

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The problem is that if I go with my son, she will opt out.

redflag

Quote
I was hoping that her taking him the following day and talking to the Dr. would also open up the door for her to also get help at some point. She really needs help with issues from before the affair (rising independence/claustrophobia with marriage)

If she can't handle her own problems, why do you trust her to handle DS11's? DS11 may be upset during/after counseling. Are you really going to trust WW to act right and not fall apart with tears, guilt etc in front of him? He doesn't need that. I would strongly suggest you be present even if you don't say much and ensure your WW doesn't meltdown in front of your son.

Quote
Yes, I talk with all of my children one on one daily. My DS11 generally says he is so impatient and frustrated that there's nothing he can do to fix the situation. He wrote a very harsh letter to my wife with a picture of him stabbing himself, and has talked about doing that on several occasions. He's fine most of the time, but once a week hits that low spot right before bed and fortunately I detect it and we talk through it.

Keep the lines of communication open with him. I know it is hard to hear and see your child struggling with feelings like that but I also think it is completely normal...sad and horrible but normal.

Prayers to you.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by mrkie
I am seeing the same Dr. the day before to give him the full story, show him my wife's letter, tell him about my son's behavior, tell him how my wife has been brainwashed by the OM into minimizing any impact.

Your WW hasn't been brainwashed, mrkie. To say that she has been is to say that she was powerless to cheat on you. No. She did it on her own and was quite willing during the event.

Originally Posted by mrkie
The problem is that if I go with my son, she will opt out. I was hoping that her taking him the following day and talking to the Dr. would also open up the door for her to also get help at some point.

Then let the baby stay home. Sheesh!

Go because your son needs you to go. It's obscene to say that your son will be going without his one sane parent so that the insane one can participate in his healthcare. She's done such a standup job so far in taking care of her family, right?

Besides, she won't be using the meeting get help for herself. If she wanted help for herself, she would pursue that on her own.

You need to go. You need to take charge of this.

Originally Posted by mrkie
She really needs help with issues from before the affair (rising independence/claustrophobia with marriage)

Poor boundaries around men and allowing them to meet her ENs are the reason she had the affair. Not whatever bs she has fed you as the reason.

She's an adult, mrkie. Start treating her like one and not as some powerless toddler to didn't know what they were doing.

Are you afraid that she'll leave you if you hold her accountable for her (likely active) adultery?

Originally Posted by mrkie
Yes, I talk with all of my children one on one daily. My DS11 generally says he is so impatient and frustrated that there's nothing he can do to fix the situation. He wrote a very harsh letter to my wife with a picture of him stabbing himself, and has talked about doing that on several occasions. He's fine most of the time, but once a week hits that low spot right before bed and fortunately I detect it and we talk through it.

And what is your WW doing about any of that?

What are you doing to ensure NC? Keylogger or spyware?


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Quote
Woman find men that are decisive and resolute attractive and desirable (so I've been told by my bride, and Melody Lane). BE THAT GUY is all that is being advocated here.
I agree. Your son is suicidal. It's bigger than just a squabble with you and your wife. This is much bigger than that, and includes your SON.

Get your marriage back.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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