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I will certainly offer one. How does that work? Does BH just make a list of questions for me to answer?

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Originally Posted by Fluffy_mouse
From earlier i didn't really finish, my closest female friend is married to BHs closest friend. Since exposure, they as a unit have seemed to side with him. Tough they have been kind to me when we have been together since then, I feel hurt and alienated. My life has typically consisted of home, the gym, and errands. My main source of social interaction has been with BH, he is truly my best friend but the lack of social interaction also meant that I had nobody to vent to, nobody but him to take out my stresses and frustrations on and that wasn't healthy.


Through this my sister has been my rock. It is not a stretch to say that I might not be around today if it wasn't for her. On days when I cannot bring myself to do anything, she has forced me to eat and drink. She went out with her friends for a day and i didnt realize that i had gone for 17 hours without drinking anything and couldnt figure out whyi was so dizzy i couldnt stand up straight. She has run my business for me when I was unable and when I need to spend the time with BH. She has kept my spirits as positive as she can and been there for me when all I can do is sit in bed and sob. I suspect this also may be a reason BH wants me to stay with her rather than move somewhere on my own.
To answer the question of why I didn't give the tenants notice 2 months ago, he didn't want me to and up until this weekend I have been at home 3-5 days of the week.
At this point I have to remind myself not to get my hopes up too high about anything that seems like a positive situation. It was not just his parents he told that he was committed to about my going, he told his aunt and uncle as well. This was before he announced that he needed his space, it is possible that he has canceled it by now and I just don't know about it yet. Canceling it would just let me have a credit on the airline anyways so if he canceled it and then decided he didn't want me to go the only one who would be out Anything would be me.
I am trying not to pressure him but he is aware of the deadline for the tenants. I have told him numerous times that we can always get new tenants and I can move back there whenever the 45 days is up but so far he is reluctant to do that. The only other thing I can think of that I may be doing to add pressure is that I have expressed how hard his flip flopping is on me and he has seen how much it hurts me each time he has done it in person or on the phone. This is another part of what makes me reluctant to let on exactly how badly I am doing emotionally (and starting to be physically as a result). Where does my telling him how much of an effect this is having on me stop being radical honesty and start being a guilt trip?
I hope I am not asking a bunch of stupid questions. My actions have been so selfishly motivated for so long I don't even know where to begin with what is selfish and what is reasonable so I end up not taking any action for fear it will be selfish and make things worse.


FM,

You are not asking stupid questions at all. The fact that you are asking questions and really trying to work the program tells me that you are sincere in not just working on your marriage but on yourself.

I had a lot of the same questions you have now. I was not sure where the line was and if I was overstepping my boundaries. I do like your plan for waiting for the books to come and "ASKING" if your H wants to get together and go over them. The key word is asking not demanding. It will be hard and sometimes you will want to demand but you have to constantly remind yourself that YOU are the one who created this with the A.

Even if your marriage was not in a good place before the A made it worse and the A is why your H is all over the place with you.

One other thing I noticed that was pointed out to me and I am going to point it out to you as well is your statement below:

The only other thing I can think of that I may be doing to add pressure is that I have expressed how hard his flip flopping is on me and he has seen how much it hurts me each time he has done it in person or on the phone.

This statement is full of "me" and selfishness. Again, I was the same way and had to try to see things from my H's eyes. I broke him and I can't count the number of times that he flip flopped back and forth and the number of times I told him how much it hurt "me". Look at things from his perspective and try to understand.

One last bit of advice is baby steps....this is going to be a very long road. Do not overwhelm yourself with thoughts of your potential future...it will tear you apart. Take one day at a time and do little things to improve yourself.

I am happy you have your sister to confide in. I was worried when you said you had no girlfriends to talk to. My sister was my rock as well and If I did not have her and my small circle of close friends, I would have gone crazy.

One other question you asked me was about telling your H some of the things you have begun to do to "change" who you are. Again, it is a fine line of feeling like you are reporting to him to earn points in his favor. In my case, I did tell my H some of the changes I was making but it took a long time for him to actually care and even believe that the changes were real and legit.

Don't just go through the marriage builder motions, really make changes and hopefully your H will see the changes without you having to broadcast them.

Start with "asking" if he will at least read the books with you and complete the worksheets....baby steps


Stay close to this site as well. Have you listened to the radio show?

Last edited by fifteenyears; 01/06/13 10:39 PM.

Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11

Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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I have not listened to the radio show yet, I have read almost all of the articles that related to our situation and countless threads ( I'm currently on page 11 of yours)
I am aware it is selfish to let my husband know he is hurting me but how do I prevent it in person or on the phone? It seems like common sense to me not to tell him out of nowhere about the extreme physical reactions I am having now that we are only communicating minimally but I am not able to control myself from breaking down when we are discussing it in person. And as it has been made clear as day, as soon as he will allow it, in person is how it needs to be to work on reparations.
I mentioned earlier that I sent his mother an apology letter but was unsure if I should tell him or not, I didn't have to. She told him and he sent me an email thanking me for doing that. I once again wasn't sure if I should list my efforts yet so I simply said you're welcome , that it was the right thing to do and that she is another person who I took for granted and would appreciate the opportunity to treat her better if you'll let me.
Thank you for confirming my instinct about the books. I do have another question along those same lines. I mentioned earlier that one of my actions was to contact the pastor about confirmation classes. He got back to me this evening and said they are currently a few sessions into one but he encouraged me to start coming and he would make up the missed sessions privately with me and H after the last class. I think starting immediately even though it is over a 2 hour drive from here to church would demonstrate dedication as well as get me started with acting on taking the class rather than talking about it. The question I pose sort of has a what if in it but i think it is important to have a plan for either outcome.
If I ask H if he would be willing to go over the books with me and he says he does not want to see me, should I still go to the class and service afterward? Should I discuss it with him? Would it best be approached as " i have committed myself to attending confirmation class at church this weekend. I would be grateful if you would attend with me but I understand if you do not want to.(if he does not want to attend class) How would you feel about me attending service afterward? If it would make you uncomfortable I can leave immediately after the class ends." Or should i ask him if he even minds if i attend? Also, how far in advance should I have this conversation with him? I don't want to spring it on him at the last minute but I also would like to wait until the books arrive, assuming they come mid week, so that I have that as another reason to come down. I know the importance of face to face time and any communication at all but I don't want to push him or make him uncomfortable.

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Free app for radio show just look in the App Store for marriage builders radio

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Just downloaded. Thanks!

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A Good show about a wayward wife. Tell us what you think.

Radio Clip on a Wayward Wife
Segment #2
Segment #3


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Where do i go from here? can i go anywhere from here?

This email is going to be hard to read. I'm very sorry how hurt and hopeless you are going to feel and if I could do it another way I would. First and foremost, I appreciate the effort you have show the last few weeks.

This weekend I found the much needed clarity I've been searching for. I feel like I am rediscovering myself. I have feelings of hope and optimism for the future which I have not felt in such a long time.

Being married to you has been extremely hard on me and I feel that I have misplaced my values along with my happiness along the way. I truly believe I am better off not being with you, it tears me up to say that but it's what I feel. I have given all I have to you and you didn't appreciate, respect or show me any support or gratitude. The affair was the culmination of all things that I despise about your personality. You showed your selfishness, lack of respect and commitment (something I never thought you would do). It also showed me you were trying to put this on me because I wasn't showing you love in your way. You reflect blame on everyone but yourself. You need to own this affair and know that it was your actions that killed it. You have put me last on you list of priorities and I am a fool to have allowed myself to be treated like that for such a long time.

I've been trying to look past all the bad stuff and focus on the good. Well there really is no good and no benefit to try andwork things out. I feel that if I did I would be doing it out of obligation and not out of want. I would be staying to try and salvage the past and the time I have put into this relationship. In order to heal this marriage both parties need to want to be together. I don't want to wholeheartedly try and I believe when it fails it will be so much harder on the both of us.

I'm glad you are working on yourself and I pray that you will have the strength to carry on with this enormously important goal. But please, I beg of you, do not do anything stupid or try to hurt yourself. You will gain nothing form it. Feel free to respond back if you desire.

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Fluffy, sometimes your best prayer is "God, get me through the next 5 minutes." Twelve times an hour, if necessary.

You're where I deserved to be 4 years ago. I'm sorry you've put yourself in this spot, and I appreciate how it must hurt.

Divorces aren't insta-quick. The best you can do from this point is to be steadfast in your EPs and take those occasional chances that will ensue to let him know that you're still willing to work & be all-in. (While knowing yourself that the chances may not come this week or next, or ever.) Quit wanting this to be resolved instantly, or thinking that it's reasonable that it should be.

Pressuring him for a decision, or to reverse the decision it sounds like he's made, probably will only burn your last bridge to him.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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This was my response
If that is your decision I owe it to you to respect it. I could be selfish and go on about my needs and wants but that wouldn't be productive to the person I want to become despite this obstacle.
There are several small things we will need to discuss over the next few days but I am in no physical or mental state to try to calmly or rationally deal with anything right now. I am the one who did you wrong and if the way I can make amends is by making your decision to end the marriage as easy and friendly on you as possible then that is what I will do.
I do not want to say anything that I will regret in my emotional state so for now I will say goodnight, I love you, and I am sorry

I gave the tenants notice last night so they know that they need oe move out and I will be moving back there as soon as they do.
Your prayer for the next five minutes sounded a lot like me last night. I did not go more than 20 minutes at any point last night between checking the phone and have not stopped shaking uncontrollably. I think I have run out of tears from dehydration, only sobs come out now.

For now I think my best course of action would be to comply with whatever steps that he wants to take towards the divorce without complaint. Is this a correct instinct?

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
A Good show about a wayward wife. Tell us what you think.

Radio Clip on a Wayward Wife
Segment #2
Segment #3
Did you listen to these?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I'm not trying to be glib, but in most cases the condemned gets one last request.

I recommend this to be yours:

BH, please do yourself a service and join the MB site. The folks there can help you prepare for the future, regardless of your choice of what it is to be.

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Here's a question, and I'm surprised it hasn't been brought up already...

Is there any chance your husband has met someone else since you've been separated?

I see what may be some red flags:

The first is the wishy-washiness on trying to reconcile, how when you were there fore weekends it was yes, then he reconsiders a day or two after you leave.

The second is his desire to keep you 110 miles away.

Usually the posters here can spot the signs of someone involved in an affair a hundred miles away, it's all so typical. I'm not as sure on this one, but the question needs to be explored.

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Fluffy, I have been following your thread and felt compelled to post, because I�ve been where you are at�actually, I am still where you are at. I understand the pain you feel. I wake up every morning with the knowledge that I ruined my life, and received nothing in return.

Your BH may be done, he may not. We can�t know the answer to that. Honestly, he probably doesn�t know the answer to that, and may not for some time to come. GO is right, you certainly can�t pressure him for a decision. It�s his right to end the marriage. You and I gave our H�s gold-plated �get out of marriage free� cards. So what CAN you do?

You can work on your side of the street. You can be serious about the changes you want to make in yourself. You can try to figure out what your BH�s top EN�s are, and try to meet them from afar. I doubt he despises more about your personality than he loves, or he never would have married you in the first place.

I saw a little anecdote the other day:
Originally Posted by Which are you?
A young woman went to her grandmother and told her abo...ut her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.

Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, "Tell me what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they got soft.She then asked her to take an egg and break it.

After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.

Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked. "What's the point,grandmother?"

Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity--boiling water--but each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her granddaughter.

"When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?

Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level?

AUTHOR UNKNOWN

. . .For when I am weak, then am I strong.
see - 2 Corinthians 12:10

It made me think�and although unfortunately I believe that I am the egg, you have a choice to make for yourself, dear heart. If you truly want to be the woman � and possibly the wife � you are meant to be, if I were you, I�d #1, pack my things and move back closer to BH. He may still decide to divorce you, but 110 miles away from him is nowhere near where you need to be for him to see the changes you are making in your life. #2, I�d take his email and in response, write him a love letter. I don�t mean full of hearts and rainbows and empty promises. I mean what you�ve gained from MB thus far. That you understand that in the past, you weren�t the wife you should have been. Of course you were selfish and blamed others � you were wayward. That you failed to care for your BH and you failed to protect him. Few of us actually enter into marriage knowing how to make a truly good marriage. Armed with MB, you now have the tools to do so.

But the one thing you can�t do is to refuse to make changes�because we were wayward, there is something fundamentally broken within us and we have to address our flaws and shortcomings or risk remaining a wayward forever. I may not have the love of my husband anymore, but I am not the same woman I was in 2009.



FWW

"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
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Wulffpack_girl , I put your post on my "Notable Posts" thread. Thanks you.

Here


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I am as certain as I can possibly be that he has not found someone new and that his actions are solely a result of the pain I caused him. The last two weekends I was there we spent with his parents. His mother is a very strongly Church oritented woman and the two of the are very close. She fully supports him in any decision so if he decided to leave me because of someone else, she would say that she supports that but that it would be cruel to give me hope if he is even thinking of starting with someone new. If she had knowledge that BH had any interest in anyone else she would Nt have been able to look me in the face without letting me know.

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Originally Posted by Fluffy_mouse
Where do i go from here? can i go anywhere from here?

I can feel the desperation in your question. Fortunately, this forum includes former WW's who are giving you excellent advice. They each have wisdom they earned during their own painful journey.

"Can I go anywhere from here?" <~~~ Does anyone have a choice? Time will carry you forward. Make coffee !!!!

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Originally Posted by Fluffy_mouse
I am as certain as I can possibly be that he has not found someone new and that his actions are solely a result of the pain I caused him.

I know which MB basic concept is your best friend right now.

The love bank
Your affair did not completely empty the bank. You still hold some currency there.

What have you got to say about that?
Let's talk.

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Quote
This email is going to be hard to read. I'm very sorry how hurt and hopeless you are going to feel and if I could do it another way I would. First and foremost, I appreciate the effort you have show the last few weeks.

This weekend I found the much needed clarity I've been searching for. I feel like I am rediscovering myself. I have feelings of hope and optimism for the future which I have not felt in such a long time.

Being married to you has been extremely hard on me and I feel that I have misplaced my values along with my happiness along the way. I truly believe I am better off not being with you, it tears me up to say that but it's what I feel. I have given all I have to you and you didn't appreciate, respect or show me any support or gratitude. The affair was the culmination of all things that I despise about your personality. You showed your selfishness, lack of respect and commitment (something I never thought you would do). It also showed me you were trying to put this on me because I wasn't showing you love in your way. You reflect blame on everyone but yourself. You need to own this affair and know that it was your actions that killed it. You have put me last on you list of priorities and I am a fool to have allowed myself to be treated like that for such a long time.

I've been trying to look past all the bad stuff and focus on the good. Well there really is no good and no benefit to try andwork things out. I feel that if I did I would be doing it out of obligation and not out of want. I would be staying to try and salvage the past and the time I have put into this relationship. In order to heal this marriage both parties need to want to be together. I don't want to wholeheartedly try and I believe when it fails it will be so much harder on the both of us.

I'm glad you are working on yourself and I pray that you will have the strength to carry on with this enormously important goal. But please, I beg of you, do not do anything stupid or try to hurt yourself. You will gain nothing form it. Feel free to respond back if you desire.

I really like your husband !!!!! He provided us with a fantastic blueprint of his personal love bank.

You have good taste in husbands.

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Wulffpack
Thank you for the story, it is certainly something for me to think about. Somehow I doubt I am the egg but whether I am the carrot or the coffee is still to be determined. Right now I feel broken and in despair.

BH wrote again letting me know he hopes I am doing ok, just let him know when and what needed to be discussed in the near future and as things arise and let me know this is the hardest thing he has ever done and he can't imagine a life without me.
I know it isn't over until its over but he keeps saying it is over then throws back a tiny glimmer of hope.

I let him know that I ordered the books already and plan to use the to improve upon myself regardless of his decision. That I cannot imagine my life without him either but I will try my hardest not to try to convince him to change my mind with my words, not because that isn't want I want more than anything because it is, but because I need to show the respect for his decisions I have been failing to show all along. That now I have to pray that he will be led to the right decision whatever that may be.

I have given the renters notice and they have responded that they will begin looking for a new place. Officially they have to be out by march 1 but if they are able to be out any sooner I will be moving back sooner. I agree that change will be a lot easier to show from 110 yards away than 110 miles.

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Pepperbank,
Would you please help me navigate the blueprint to his love bank? I am so lost and confused right now and since at least for the time being I have to figure out how I can meet his ENs and make love bank deposits without imposing myself on him or even discussing them with him advice from other members is pretty much all I've got.

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