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Originally Posted by Micalex
I've decided that I will not be posting again until my BS weighs in on thses discussions.

This is why you are failing. Those wholesale changes you claim you are making shouldn't be contingent upon your BSs response. There is no more negotiation...that ship sailed when you chose to have an affair.

There IS a chance for recovery if you make these lasting lifestyle changes. Understand that you could do everything right at this point, and she could still leave. You will still only be able to blame yourself.

Also understand that regardless of what she decides, if you don't make these changes, any future relationship you have is certainly doomed.

Do the right thing.


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Originally Posted by Micalex
After all The Marriage builders forum is a social network too.
How when it's anonymous and you have no way of getting personal information?



FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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This will be my first (and likely, last) post on this thread, colleagues.

Did anyone else notice that this poster's resistance/belligerence increased exponentially when he was - strongly - advised to delete his Facebook account?

This was just one of the negative "hygiene factors" I detected which caused me to follow, but not engage, this thread.

Mikey talked (typed?) a good fight, but when it came to the crunch, in the words of Tallulah Bankhead, "There was no 'there', there!"

(As an aside, how do the females here feel knowing that Mikey envisioned this site as a social networking opportunity?)

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Originally Posted by Micalex
Maybe I should get rid of the Internet too...but wait I'll stop talking to the lovely people on marriage builders. That wouldn't be good now would it.


Ohhhh...the sarcasm phase....

The truly UNrepentant ALWAYS revert to sarcasm.

That sure didn't take long.

committed

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Originally Posted by Micalex
People have suggested that I get rid of all my social networks. Is or isn't the marriage builders forum a social network?

If you cannot be trusted on Marriage Builders, you definitely should leave the forum AND delete your Internet. I would agree with you. Good bye.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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This guy is not serious. A wayward who fights this hard to maintain something as stupid as Facebook is not serious about recovery.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Micalex
I've decided that I will not be posting again until my BS weighs in on thses discussions.

In other words he hopes his wife is not as savvy as forum people and will let him cut corners. This is a guy who absolutely does not want to give up Facebook, which should be a huge red flag to his BS.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Micalex
I've decided that I will not be posting again until my BS weighs in on thses discussions.

Micalex,

From one adulterer to another - This above quote is a bad idea.

You can come back and post without your wife weighing in on the topics. I'd highly recommend it if you're serious about recovery.

To be honest, your wife should NOT come on your thread anyway. We advise spouses to avoid this when entering recovery.



Is MB a social network? Of course not, we don't come here to socialize, we come here to survive adultery. HUGE difference! But you already know this, you're just irritated and you're using sarcasm as a way to demonstrate this irritation. Please stop this, it withdraws love units from your wife and causes her further pain and doubt when you behave this way.


Is Facebook a necessity? Of course not, most people thrive and survive without it. If you're paying attention, many people are finding it irrelevant to the future of networking anyway. And there are many other ways to share photo's with those we love.


What are you willing to do to insure success in recovery?

Your character is either being reborn or it's not.
Your actions determine the answer.






Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Originally Posted by Micalex
..... if only for people to stop basing their opinions on false premises.


From one adulterer to another, this concerns me greatly.

I haven't seen any false premises on your thread yet.

Can you be more specific?










Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Originally Posted by Micalex
People have suggested that I get rid of all my social networks. Is or isn't the marriage builders forum a social network?

Marriage Builders site has purposely gotten rid of the "private message" function. This means that any given conversation between opposite sex adults has hundreds of eyes looking at it. Pretty difficult to start a secret love-bank account on MB. MB disallows people to post their email address in public. Therefore, you will not see "Hey Joe, this is Sue. Send me an email so I can offer you my help".

Facebook, on the other hand has a functioning private message function. Very easy to start a hidden relationship on FB.

No pouting allowed.

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Originally Posted by Micalex
People have suggested that I get rid of all my social networks. Is or isn't the marriage builders forum a social network?
If the marriage builders forum is an avenue by which you can conduct an affair, then, by all means, eliminate it.


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confused Now I have to call my BS and tell her not to look at the thread... or maybe I shouldn't so that she can comment and stop this nonsense about me not doing things without her telling me to do so because I know someone is going to say that.

FACEBOOK HAS BEEN DELETED!
I was in the process of de-activating my Facebook page (the only social network website I'm on) whilst you sent your email HerPapaBear. Took the decision to avoid all this back and forth. So that's DONE!!! No more Facebook page.
Tried to de-activate my Skype account too but unfortunately you can't so further to deleting all females from my contact list excluding my mother which I did two days ago...I will ask my BS if she wants to change my password and I don't even need to know what it is. If I need to use it I will ask her if I can and to whom I would need to call.


I am committed to changing my life...for me and not for anyone else. As I said quite a few times already I am only here to get advice and guidance. After reading Dr. Harley's book ( whilst still with OW) I knew what I needed to do even though it was difficult to do. Why? Because something in me says that if the marriage builders strategy cannot help save my marriage probably nothing will. What I like about Dr. Harley is that he made "common sense". Lots of people and counsellors do not.

I gave up a well paying job and the place I called home for 4 years in order to get away from my OW. So YES I would get irritated when people question my "newly found" commitment. Fact is the questioning of my commitment was part of my stupid rationalization for having an affair in the first place.

The difficulty in getting many different views at the same time is that to the receiver of those views it can appear to be inconsistent. An example ...some people are saying on this forum that my wife should come on. Others that she shouldn't. Which voice of wise reasoning should I listen too. Personally I want to be Open and Honest with my wife about everything and anything but I also want to listen to the advice of those who have been through this before.

N.B. Please take it from someone who has managed these tools for a living. Whether it's in the form of Instant Messaging, Blog, Forum or website they are all Social Networking Service Platforms. visit http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_networking_service

Maybe I try to be overly technical but that's the IT brain in me.

POINT IS FACEBOOK IS NOW DELETED! Now on to deciding what magazines or books I can read.

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Well done. You may go thru FB withdrawal. Thats ok. When I told my wife FB had to, she did/said the same things that you did/said. Many have and thats why you got the response that you did. Experience speaks MUCH louder than words. BTW, when my WW finally deleted FB, I did too, without telling her that I would. That boosted her a bit and let her know that I was willing to abide by the same EPs that I was asking her to. There was FB withdrawal because it can be an addiction of sorts.


Me - BH 49 years old
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Also, there are many spouses on this forum that post separately. Sometimes the vets ask the spouse to chime in on their threads and sometimes that ask them to stay away. If you're not sure why they say something, simply ask them instead of getting frustrated and blaming conflicting advise. Therre is a reason and everyones situation is treated differently, because they are different.

You seem like a very logical and analytical type (me too). You're going to have to stow that reasoning power of yours because this process takes a great deal of humility and trying to reason your way out of specific advise will only get you more responses that you wont like. Stick around and you'll see what I mean.


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Micalex, almost all of the advice you receive here concerning your marriage *IS* consistent, because this is not an "opinion" forum when it comes to the rules. Dr Harley's rules reign supreme here. Those of us here screwed up our own marriages and only saved them using Dr Harley's concepts.

Whether or not your BS looks at your thread - which she WILL - is not a matter that Dr Harley has ever commented or likely even cares about. So using that as an excuse to ignore the advice you receive here is not going to fly. Nor are people likely to help you here if you dismiss any advice you dislike by saying its up to your wife. Sure, you have to know what makes her uneasy, but that does not negate your obligation to affair proof your marriage in areas where she has no experience or awareness. We do have that awareness, on the other hand.

Folks here do want to help you, but very few are going to stick with you unless you lose the teenage drama queen attitude. You are not a teenage gurl and we are not your momma. We don't have to help you, after all.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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dramaqueen


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Micalex
confused Now I have to call my BS and tell her not to look at the thread... or maybe I shouldn't so that she can comment and stop this nonsense about me not doing things without her telling me to do so because I know someone is going to say that.

Welcome back!

I encourage your wife to read your thread, she'd be crazy not to.

What I DON'T recommend is that she "post" on your thread.


It's really that simple.






Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Originally Posted by Micalex
.... Now on to deciding what magazines or books I can should read.

What books of Dr. Harley's have you read since the affair ended?


Last edited by HerPapaBear; 04/23/13 09:55 AM.




Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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"You seem like a very logical and analytical type (me too). You're going to have to stow that reasoning power of yours because this process takes a great deal of humility and trying to reason your way out of specific advise will only get you more responses that you wont like. Stick around and you'll see what I mean."

He will need to start USING that logic and reason in order to recover his marriage. An inability to put aside his emotions, as we have seen demonstrated here, will doom his chances. It's great to question the reasons behind a specific step. It is not great to concoct lame excuses and rationalizations.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by HerPapaBear
Welcome back!

I encourage your wife to read your thread, she'd be crazy not to.

What I DON'T recommend is that she "post" on your thread.


It's really that simple.

Bingo!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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